In the Waiting

This has been a tough week for me. I have come full-circle on one of the most difficult years of my life. This time last year, I was pregnant for the second time...and in a few days we would lose that baby too. We had lost our first baby just 9 months earlier. We would try again several times with the help of fertility drugs and IUI (artificial insemination) before deciding to take a break at the end of November last year. We were emotionally and physically spent. I had nothing left in me to keep trying, and felt God telling us to rest a while and regain some strength. Our fertility doctor wanted us to consider IVF (in-vitro fertilization), but after much prayer and discussion decided that wasn't right for us. We looked into adoption agencies and talked to adoptive parents...but that wasn't right for us at the time either. And so we waited...and waited...and waited some more. Still, God told us to rest. This winter, I felt myself slipping into depression. The deadness and darkness of winter overcame me. I withdrew from everything...from people, from my music, from my career...and sat day after day crying out "why??" I didn't want to face my problems. I didn't want to face my fears. I would much rather sit in the dark and not deal with anything. I certainly didn't want to hear what God had to say. I was angry, I was depressed, I wanted Him to solve all my problems NOW or leave me alone.

When spring came, I felt the fog start to lift and, like the buds on the trees beginning to emerge, I felt myself start to come back to life. I could feel my lungs breathing in a new kind of air. It was fresh, full of life and possibilities. I began to eat right and exercise again. I got a new haircut and a pedicure.  I was starting to feel small glimpses of my former self come back to life. I was starting to feel good about myself again.

As I was pulling out of the funk that I had been in for months, I started listening to God more. I always thought I had listened, but I realized I had been listening like a teenager listens to her parents. My answers were more like "sure, ok God. Whatever you say," as I ran out the door to do something completely different. It wasn't so much that I was being defiant, it was more that I only heard what I wanted to hear. My mother calls it "selective hearing" (she claims my father has had this since the day they married. haha!). I have recently started listening more...really listening. I realized that I was doing things that God didn't intend for me to do. I was on a career path that He had not intended for me, at least not at this time in my life. And so I did a complete 180 and am now on a completely different path...but the right path. And it feels so good, so right. THIS is what God has intended for me!

This winter, my husband and I decided to give ourselves until June to make any further decisions about having a baby. We needed to focus on ourselves for awhile. I needed to focus on my health, specifically. June has come, and God is still saying WAIT. I don't know why, but He is. I know I'm getting older, and in 6 months I'll be at that magic age of 35 when the fertility world starts to panic. I'll have all sorts of labels plastered on me that make me high risk (but after two miscarriages, I probably have that label anyway). But, God wants us to wait just a little while longer. I'm not gonna lie - it is HARD! But I know that we are getting there. We are doing things now that will give us a better chance of having a baby later. My spontaneous personality is having a lot of trouble with that. I want all my wants and needs fulfilled NOW, not later! But we will get there. We still have hope. We know God always fulfills his promises, and we know that, in some way or another, we will be parents.

God is starting to reveal little things to us, and we know we have many decisions to make over the summer about many things. Not only do we have baby-making decisions to make, but we have career, house, financial, and other decisions to make. We have been in a period of waiting for a very long time...but we feel the time for action drawing nearer. Little by little, God is revealing to us our next course of action. We are trying to be obedient and do what He has called us to do. We know we won't have to wait forever, even when sometimes it feels that way.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. -Romans 8:28

On the Road to Recovery - Mary's Story

Struggles. We all have them. Everyone struggles with SOMETHING. No one is perfect, no one has it all together despite what they may portray to the rest of the world. Everyone has an inner struggle that they are so desperately trying to overcome.

Let me tell you about my friend Mary. I met Mary about 4 years ago at my former church. The first time I saw Mary, before we even said one word to each other, I knew we had something in common. You see, Mary is not what we would consider a "normal" size. She isn't even what most would consider "fairly large." Mary is extremely obese. So large in fact, that her life is in danger. Her body is failing her, her organs are straining to support her, and she is on borrowed time. The moment I first saw her my heart ached for her, because I knew her struggle. I knew that deep down something was troubling her, and her inner struggle was showing on her outside. That morning, I prayed that God would connect me to Mary somehow. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to help her. But I didn't know how, and I certainly didn't want to offend her by approaching a very delicate subject. So I waited, and eventually Mary ended up coming to our community group, and our friendship began.

I haven't written about my struggle with my weight on this blog. Five years ago I weighed 374 pounds. I was miserable. I couldn't walk very far, and I could barely make it up one flight of steps without gasping for air. In August 2009 I had Lap Band surgery and my life began to change. I lost 162 pounds, and with that regained my life (and in the process got married to the love of my life!). I remember the night I made the decision to change my life. It was Christmas Eve 2008. I had thoroughly enjoyed my Christmas Eve...and by thoroughly enjoy I mean I was stuffed so full I could barely move. I felt sick. By then I had been researching weight loss surgeries for over a year, but was determined I was going to lose the weight by myself. I didn't want to be "one of those people" who needed surgery to lose weight. But that Christmas Eve, it became very clear to me that I needed to do something drastic or I was not going to live a very long life. The tears started to fall as I realized how sick I really was, and how much I needed help. In that moment, I decided I was going to have the Lap Band surgery. I cried myself to sleep that night. It was one of the lowest points in my life.

As I began the process to have the surgery, and following my surgery, I had to face many demons. I physically could not overeat anymore, so I was forced to deal with my struggles in other ways. I talked to counselors and went to Overeaters Anonymous, and finally began to piece my life back together. It was a brutal process, but it was a necessary one.

Eating disorders are scary. We talk often about anorexia and bulimia, which are very serious life-threatening diseases...but we rarely talk about compulsive overeating and food addiction. We brush off overweight people as lazy and tell them that they just need to eat less and exercise. Sometimes this is the case...but in my friend Mary's case, and in my case, it is far from it. My friend Mary and I suffer from an eating disorder. One that most of the medical community does not even recognize as a real disorder. It is just as serious and life-threatening as anorexia or bulimia. If someone can starve themselves because of a mental illness, why is it so difficult for us to believe that someone can do the opposite? Why must we belittle overweight people and brush off their obesity as just eating too much? My friends, compulsive overeating/food addiction is not really about the food. Let me give you a little glimpse into my (and my friend Mary's) life:

-An anorexic/bulimic has a distorted body image. They see themselves as fat, when in reality they are extremely thin. A compulsive overeater/food addict also has a distorted body image. They see themselves as thin when in reality they are extremely obese.

-An anorexic/bulimic starves themselves or vomits as a coping mechanism. A compulsive overeater/food addict copes by eating more (and almost always unhealthy) food.

-A bulimic can't stop themselves from throwing up food. A compulsive overeater cannot stop themselves from eating.

-An alcoholic is addicted to alcohol. Even one sip will trigger an alcoholic into relapse. A food addict is addicted to food (almost always multiple foods, or even just food in general). Even one bite of a certain food will send them into relapse. I once ate one cupcake that sent me into a 4-month relapse. ONE CUPCAKE.

You see where I'm going with this. This is not just having an inkling towards candy bars or emotional eating when you have a bad day. This is a serious mental illness. I have been in recovery from compulsive overeating and food addiction for 5 years. I have relapsed multiple times. I have gained weight and lost weight. I am currently not at my lowest weight in the last 5 years because of multiple relapses due to the tremendous stress I've been under with infertility and miscarriage. But I'll get there, and I'll be ok. But it is a struggle every single day. Every meal, every hour I have to make conscious decisions about what I am going to eat. I have to be more careful than most people because, if I am not careful, even the tiniest bite of something can send me into a full-out relapse and I will be back where I started. I have an eating disorder. It is a mental illness, and one which most of the world does not understand.

I did not mean to make this blog entry all about me, but I wanted to give you all some insight into what daily life is like for me and my friend Mary. Now, back to Mary. As I got to know Mary, I learned more about her. She is an incredible person. When I met her, she was homeless and jobless. She now has her own apartment and has a career as a freelance artist and graphic designer. Despite her success as an artist, she still struggles to make ends meet. But because of her size and condition, she cannot work a full-time job. It is not because she does not want to, it's because she is physically unable. She runs tech for her church and blesses more people than I can count with her talents. She is a very humble person, and she has a heart of gold. She would do anything for anybody. She has traveled a rough road and has overcome more than most of us will in an entire lifetime. But what amazes me the most about Mary is her humbleness and incredible generosity.

Now, after Mary has helped so many people, it is our turn to help her. Mary's condition is far worse than mine (and mine is/was pretty bad!). She needs help, and she has taken a huge step to get that help. In a couple weeks Mary will be heading down to a treatment center for eating disorders in Florida. She does not know how long she will be there...it could be 3 months, it could be longer. She is being sent to the Florida center instead of the one here in Pennsylvania because her condition is so severe. It is scary for her, but she knows this is where she needs to be. At this center she will receive intensive inpatient treatment for her eating disorder and, God-willing, learn how to live a life free from compulsive overeating and food addiction.

While this center is going to give her the best possible chance to have a long, healthy life, it also comes with a price. A price that Mary cannot pay on her own. It is expensive, even for someone like me who has an average middle-class income. Mary has reached out to ask for money to help her on this journey, which I know was extremely hard for her to do. If you feel it in your heart to help this amazing woman, please click on the link below to access her fundraising page. Every little bit helps, and every dollar gets her closer to recovery. Please consider a donation. If you cannot give money, please pray for her on this journey. She will not have access to internet while she is there, but one of her friends has created a Facebook page for her and will be updating it while Mary is at the center. I will leave that link below also so you can follow her road to recovery.

I know this was a long entry, and if you have read this far - thank you! As Christians we are called to help one another, and this particular situation has been weighing very heavy on my heart. Mary is a beautiful person, inside and out. She has a long journey ahead of her, and I cannot wait for the day when her body is healthy again and can support her stunning inner beauty and her gorgeous soul. :-)

Mary "before." Can't wait to see the "after!"

Donate to support Mary's journey here:
http://www.gofundme.com/HalfMySize

Follow Mary's journey here:
https://www.facebook.com/HalfMySizeMary

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is this week. I dread it. All the happy celebration of moms, the overwhelming TV ads, store displays, emails and Hallmark cards. I am bombarded by reminders that I have no living children. It pierces through my soul like a hot knife. A day that is so happy for so many, and should be happy for me, is a painful reminder of what should have been. Mother's Day is a day of celebration and joy for most people - and it should be! But for some of us, it is a very difficult day. It comes with pain and tears, and memories of the babies we once carried in our wombs. As Mother's Day approaches, I find myself filling up with anxiety. I am surrounded by pregnant women and new moms celebrating their very first Mother's Day. I can't even go to church this Sunday. Being at a new church I don't know how they handle Mother's Day...but I know from 34 years of experience that churches tend to make a big deal of it. And they should. Moms are the ones who give us life, and that is to be celebrated! But I can't handle it. I can't sit there and watch all the other women be celebrated while I suffer in silence. It is too painful.

I have promised to be gentle with myself this week. It may be that I'll be able to go about my week and be fine. But it may also be that I will need to take moments to take a step back. To sit and cry, to write, to sing, or to do whatever will help me through the tough moments. I don't know when or if those moments will come, but if they do I have given myself permission to take the time I need to endure them. And I just want all my friends and family to know, that if I don't seem particularly excited, or even interested, in Mother's Day it's not because I don't love and honor mothers. It's not because I am selfish or want attention or anything of a sort. It's because Sunday is a day that is just downright painful for me. I haven't quite figured out how to handle it, either. And that's ok. If people have a problem with it, well, to be honest that's their problem not mine. I deal with this week and this day as it comes, and sometimes I am ok and sometimes I am not. And this week, I am giving myself permission to be whatever I am at the moment. If you are a bereaved momma, please give yourself the same permission. Nobody but you knows what you feel inside. Nobody but you knows how easy or difficult Mother's Day might be for you. Nobody can tell you how to handle it. Be gentle with yourself dear momma, and take the moments you need to help yourself through this week.

I also want to tell the world one more thing...and you may think I am crazy, but frankly I don't really care what anyone else thinks. What I want to tell the world is this:

I AM A MOTHER.

My children aren't here on Earth, but God gave me the honor and the responsibility to carry two beautiful souls inside me. Even if it was only for a short time, they were here. I saw them both on an ultrasound screen. I heard our first baby's heart beat. God entrusted them to me for a time, and then He called them home. With both of those tiny babies, my body labored. I was in tremendous pain for days as my body tried to expel them. I delivered both of them at home, privately in my bathroom, with only my husband nearby. I cried in agony, both from the tremendous physical pain, and from the emotional pain. I cried out to God, asking him WHY?!? It is a pain I do not wish on anyone.

But the fact remains. I AM A MOTHER. If you have had a miscarriage, or a stillborn baby, or lost a baby after birth - YOU are also a MOTHER. I am tired of having to pretend that my babies weren't significant. I will meet them one day, I am sure of it. I pray that God also gives me children to tend to and love while here on Earth and watch them grow into adults. I will not give up on that. But I love my angel babies in heaven just the same.

I can't tell you how to treat your bereaved momma friends this Mother's Day, because every bereaved momma handles it differently. For me, I will celebrate with my mother, for she is the one who gave me life! I love my mother for the beautiful woman she is, and I will celebrate her. I will celebrate my grandmother, who has always been like a second mother to me. But outside of my immediate family, while the rest of the world is telling all the women of the world how wonderful they are because they are mothers, I will simply stay away. Away from the media, away from Facebook, away from all the reminders that the world shoves onto me that my motherhood will not be celebrated. Instead, I will sit quietly in prayer and talk to my angel babies, telling them that their Earthly mother loves them and I look forward to meeting them someday. And I will thank God for entrusting me to care for them for a short time, and thank Him for taking care of them in Heaven while I finish what He has for me to do on Earth. That is how I will celebrate my motherhood and honor my heavenly children this Mother's Day.

God Heals the Broken

This weekend was joyful and painful at the same time. Joyful celebrating my grandmother's 90th birthday, and seeing family I haven't seen in a long time. Joyful celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ in the most powerful and uplifting Easter Sunday service I've ever been honored to be a part of. Yes, there was much joy and celebration this weekend!

But there was also pain. This weekend we should have been celebrating our first child's first birthday. He or she was supposed to arrive around April 21st. Instead, our family remains incomplete and childless. 

God has kept me busy around my would-be due date the past two years. Last year, on the day I should have been delivering a baby, I ran my 2nd 5K. I didn't have time to think about what was missing because I was too busy trying to make it to the finish line. This year I was consumed with planning my grandmother's 90th birthday party and preparing for Easter Sunday services. Thank you Lord for keeping me occupied during this time!

There were a few moments this weekend when I felt the tears well up behind my eyes. I remember watching my nephews & niece play in my parents' backyard, wondering what it would be like with my son or daughter playing with them. I remember holding my 10 month old nephew, seeing such joy in his eyes and laughter in his voice. I looked for signs of my sister and my brother-in-law in him, wondering what our baby would look like. Would he/she have my nose? My husband's eyes? Whose hair would he/she get? It's crazy to think that twice now, there has been life inside me, being stitched together by God, just the perfect fusion of me and my husband...that was taken away all too soon.

There was a moment this weekend when I was reminded that God has the power to heal. Our church showed a video of several people facing battles and how God has restored them. Naturally, there was a couple in the video who had battled infertility and miscarriage and are now pregnant. The tears came, of course, but in that moment I was reminded that we are not done fighting this battle. We press on, despite the challenges. We keep going, we keep trying, we keep believing that at the end of this long road there is a child waiting for us. In the midst of this battle it is often hard to keep going. So many times I have wanted to give up. So many times I have thought, "is this really worth it?" The answer to that is yes, it is worth it. It is worth every agonizing moment.

My husband and I started watching a series called "The Bible" on Netflix last night (the same series that aired sometime last year). In the very first episode, they portrayed the story of Abraham and Sarah. God promised Abraham that Sarah would bear a son, and He did. Sarah waited many, many years for her son, but God fulfilled His promise. I was reminded last night of the dream I had years ago of my daughter Elizabeth Grace. I know that God has made me a promise, and I know that He will fulfill it. God will heal my womb, I am certain of it. I just have to have faith that He knows what He is doing. Is it always easy? No. Sometimes it seems downright impossible. But I know without a doubt that God is already working on healing me. He already knows when my husband and I will have children, and who they will be and what THEY will have to eventually overcome. He knows, because He has already written our story. 

The other day I was again pondering why it is that my husband and I have been put through this struggle. It is painful, it is agonizing, it makes me question everything I believe in. It has strained relationships...some of which have not survived. It has made me see the world much differently than I did 2 years ago. I am different because of what I have gone through. God has cleansed my soul and made me new. He knew that I would be broken into a million pieces, and slowly be put back together, each piece stronger than it was before. God knew this would be hard on me, but He also knew I was strong enough to endure it. And I also know that He heals, and I have more faith than ever before that He is already healing me. It just took me this long to believe it.

Whatever you are facing, GOD IS WITH YOU.

He is guiding you - TRUST Him

He has created a path for you - FOLLOW Him.

He says He will heal you - BELIEVE Him.

He knows what is best for you - Have FAITH in Him.

Letting Go

I've been putting off writing this blog...because it's a difficult one for me to write. It's not even one that I necessarily WANT to write, but I know I have to. I've started writing this several times over the past few weeks and never quite got through it until now.

Let me back up a bit, so you all understand where I'm coming from. It is amazing to me how God puts us in exactly the right situation at exactly the right time. This past fall, my husband and I made a heart-wrenching decision to leave our church. It was a church that we both loved and had helped us grow in our faith tremendously. We were married in that church and met some of our closest friends at that church. The worship team that I was a part of there was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. But as much as we loved it there, we also knew it wasn't the right place for us anymore. So with heavy hearts we said our goodbyes and ventured out into the world of what I call "church shopping."

It took awhile, but in January my husband and I finally felt like we had found our new church home. I can't quite explain it, but at some point my husband and I just looked at each other and said, "we belong here." This church has challenged our faith in so many ways in the short time we've been there, and every single sermon has spoken to us in a unique way. Through this season of our lives, we have been led through some tough questions, challenges, and revelations given to us by God through the pastors on Sunday mornings. My husband and I have worked through a lot over the past few months. There is no doubt in our mind that God brought us to this particular church, at this particular time in our lives, to listen to these particular people speak, to work through these particular obstacles that we are facing.

About a month ago I experienced one of the most powerful services I can remember in my lifetime. I've certainly had my share of grief over the past two years. I knew the topic of the sermon going in, and expected I might shed a few tears...but I was in no way prepared for what happened to me in that hour.

Our pastor spoke about grief, and how we deal with grief when we've experienced loss and "hit the wall" of faith so to speak. How sometimes we have to sit at that wall for awhile before we can push through it, and then how we push through it to experience God on a whole new level. I've been sitting at this wall for quite awhile, afraid of what might happen if I push through. I've pushed through walls of faith before, I've been through times of darkness. But this time has been so different for so many reasons. I've been afraid to walk through that wall. I'm still afraid, but as an act of obedience to God I have started to push through this wall. It's not easy, but it is making me grow as a person.

During the service, our pastor had us reflect on our losses. There was a little survey in the bulletin where we were to write (fill in the blank style) about our losses. What our loss was. How we felt when we experienced that loss. Those were easy to fill out. When I lost my babies, I was angry, hurt, sad, confused, questioning "why," betrayed...basically every negative emotion a human can feel. Writing these things down brought all the emotions back to the forefront of my mind. Tears began to fall. Our pastor spoke a little more, telling the story of when he lost his father and helping us work through the emotions we were all feeling. How we had to let go of our losses and give the to God in order to be able to move on. It doesn't mean we don't love the people we lost. It doesn't mean we never think about them. It doesn't even mean we're ever done saying goodbye. I don't think there was a dry eye in the room.

And then came the hard part. Letting go. I remember this moment clear as day. The sentence read "Now, I am letting go. I am saying goodbye to                     ." As the tears started streaming down my cheeks, I knew I had to write it. But I didn't WANT to write it. My hands trembled. I felt my husband put his arm around me. We hadn't spoken one word since the service started, but we both knew what the other was thinking. In that moment, I let God's spirit take over me and I felt him say to me, "you have to write this. I know you don't want to, but you have to. It's ok, I've got you." My pen hovered over that blank line for what felt like an eternity. Finally, as the music began to play, and as an act of obedience to God, I wrote it: "my babies."

I don't remember much of the next few minutes. I know there was music, and I know I couldn't sing because every time I tried more tears came. I know I felt the spirit of God surrounding me like I hadn't felt in a long time. There were hundreds of people in the room, but at that very moment it felt like it was just me, my husband, and God. I pictured my babies being scooped up into God's loving arms. I said a silent prayer, telling God that I trusted Him to take care of them until I came home to meet them. Even now as I write this, tears are streaming down my cheeks once again.

I know I was supposed to be in that very place on that Sunday morning. God had work to do with me and my husband that day. My husband and I came home that afternoon and we wrote a note to our angel babies. We told them that we love them, and that we look forward to meeting them in heaven. We told them that they have people in heaven that love them, and people here on Earth that love them. And we told them that God will take care of them while we are still here on Earth. We signed it "Mommy & Daddy" and sealed it in an envelope.

I received a Chinese lantern at a conference in January. I was never sure how I was going to use it until that morning. My husband and I have decided that, as a symbol of releasing our angel babies to God in heaven, we are going to release this Chinese lantern with the note we wrote to our babies. Because of our schedules and this crazy weather we've been having, we haven't yet found a night that we have been able to do it. But we will. It is something that will help us in the healing process, since we never got to have funerals for our babies. There was never anything we did that symbolized them going to heaven so that we could say goodbye and have closure. Now we have that.

I've realized through all this that I haven't been able to move on and heal because I haven't been able to close the door to the past. I love the babies we lost, but dwelling on the losses will not help me heal. I have come full-circle on one of the most difficult years of my life...two miscarriages and losing my cousin. It was rough. I've finally been able to let go and say goodbye. Does it mean I'll never grieve again? No. Grief can last a lifetime. There will always be reminders around us of those we lost. There will be times we wish we could share moments with them. We will always miss them. But to be able to move on is important. To say goodbye is important. I said goodbye to my babies as an act of obedience...it wasn't because I wanted to. But God knew I needed to, and God always knows better than I do!

I'm in a better place of healing now. I'm listening to God better now. I am pushing through the wall of faith that I've been sitting at for so long, afraid of what's on the other side. And you know what? I'm liking what's on the other side. I'm not quite there yet, but I am seeing glimpses of what is coming...and it is wonderful. God will provide, and if you only just take the time to listen to Him, He will guide you through. Rarely is it ever easy, but always it is worth it.

"Come near to God and he will come near to you." -James 4:8