When I'm 90

Well you know what they say, when it rains it pours. These past two weeks have been especially trying for me. A lot of stuff has been going on, and as it always seems to be the case everything happened all at once. I have been physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. Most days I've been home only to sleep, and most nights I've tossed and turned unable to turn off my brain. God doesn't give us any more than we can handle, but boy has He been pushing my limits these past two weeks!

My family is enduring some big changes, none of which are easy ones. We've moved one grandma to an assisted living facility, and said goodbye to my other grandma who we are laying to rest this weekend. I've played the middle man to doctors and family members while my parents were on the other side of the country. I've put hundreds of miles on my car driving back and forth to the hospital and homes and stores and everywhere else. My life was put on hold for a week while I cared for my grandma, and then helped her transition to her new assisted living home. And of course, where there are family emergencies there is family drama. Emotionally, I am spent.

But through all the miles, and the phone calls and texts, and the drama and the tears, God has shown me plenty of good. He has shown me so many things to be grateful for. I spent a lot of time with my grandma this past week, reminiscing about days gone by. We talked about my grandpa and how good of a man he was. His humor, and his wit, his love of family (especially his grandchildren), his days playing football, and his love of hunting. And while he's been gone for more than 10 years, I realized he lived a full life and left all of us with so many good memories. My grandma talks about him in such a way that it's hard to describe. Her face lights up talking about her memories of him. She tells anybody who will listen how good of a husband he was to her. And then her face lands on his picture, and she says, "you stinker! Why did you have to leave me?" Her face temporarily saddens, remembering how much she misses him, and then she'll remember another good memory and she's all smiles again.

Grandma will tell you the same story 100 times over, but I don't mind. I never get enough of hearing how she met grandpa, or that one time they went for ice cream, or how she almost dated his brother but fell in love with grandpa the minute she met him. How he was so popular with the ladies, but for whatever reason he chose her. She'll never know why, but she's glad he did. It's a love story for the ages. Their story was even on the front page of the local newspaper many years ago as a featured Valentine's Day story. What love they had! And as my grandpa's health declined from multiple strokes, grandma never left his side. Grandma has taught me so much about life and love.

Helping to move grandma to assisted living was unexpectedly one of the hardest things I've done. I didn't think it would be hard, I've known for awhile now that this day would come. But as I was helping my parents pack up her belongings, helping to decide what to take and what to leave behind, I could feel tears forming behind my eyes. I didn't dare let one shed at the time. I had to be strong. I had to show grandma that this was the right decision, that she was going to love her new home. Every time I picked something up, there was a memory attached to it. Sometimes it was something I gave her, sometimes it was something someone else gave her and it sparked a memory of that person. I remembered sleepovers with cousins in grandma's house, making crafts and baking cakes, polka dancing and sick days on her couch. Oh the memories! I can see why this move is so hard for her. 55 years of memories in that house. I've moved 11 times, and even some of the moves where I lived somewhere only a year were tough ones. I can't imagine leaving 55 years of memories.

Yes, it has been a tough couple of weeks. Yes, we have a large, stubborn, opinionated family (we're Polish, we can't help it!). But through it all, I realized that we have a GOOD family. We have more LOVE in our family than most people ever find. While we may fight, we are always there for each other. But isn't that sort of normal? Families don't aways get along. Gosh, I don't think I can remember a holiday gone by that somebody wasn't arguing with someone about something. But isn't that the case with everyone? Maybe we're not as weird as we think! Yes, we are a family like none other. But gosh darn it, we have it pretty good! I am sure that grandpa is watching over us and is proud of the family he left behind. He taught us well. And grandma, well, she taught us all how to love.

Earlier this week I found myself giving grandma her own advice. Whenever I am upset about something, grandma reminds me that no matter how bad I have it, there is always someone else, somewhere, that has it worse than you. And you know what? She is right! All things considered, I have it pretty good. I have a wonderful loving husband, a gorgeous house, two cuddly kitties, a career I love, wonderful friends, and very large, very loving family. I could go on and on. Life is pretty good, all things considered.

When I am 90, and I am sitting in a nursing home with my granddaughter reminiscing about the old days, I hope I have good stories to tell her. I hope I leave a house full of memories of children and grandchildren, stories filled with love and laughter and all around good times. I hope she doesn't mind hearing the story of how I met my husband 100 times a day, or how it was in "the good old days." Yes, when I am 90 I hope my life was just as full as my grandma's has been. Because it doesn't matter where you live, or what you have, or who your friends are. What matters is the memories you make and the love you share. And when I am 90, I hope I can look back and know that the memories were good and the love was abundant.

Someday...

I have been intentionally quiet on the blog for a while now. Partly because I needed a break, and partially because this fall was incredibly busy. We bought a house, took a vacation to Aruba, and had a calendar that was more full than usual. I've been doing some writing, and I have some things to share in the coming weeks. But first, a 2014 recap.

2014 was a year of change for me. Looking back at the past year, my husband and I are definitely in a much different place than we were this time last year. We are living in a new home - our home. We are finally not at the mercy of landlords and enjoying the wonders (and DIY projects) of homeownership. Early in 2014 we found a new church home. A place that has led us closer to Jesus, that has helped us work through some issues we didn't even know we had in the first place (crazy how God does that, right?!). We took our first trip out of the country, experiencing an act of generosity that I still can't quite wrap my head around (and will be the subject of at least one blog post in the near future). After much debate and prayer, I finally figured out what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life...at least for this particular season. Embarking on new business ventures and enjoying all it has to offer. And near the end of 2014, I made the decision to be baptized as an adult. It was a decision that I did not take lightly, but for me was a symbol of a new chapter in my life.

Yes, it has been a roller coaster, both physically and emotionally. I had many moments in 2014 when I felt like I could conquer anything and I was full of hope. I also had many moments when I felt defeated, drug through the mud and kicked down, unable to get up. I am forever grateful for the people that have been there to pick me up this past year when I couldn't get up myself. I am forever grateful for a loving God who has carried me when I couldn't walk myself. I'm not so sure I would be here if it weren't for those people and our loving Father.

Over the Holidays we were blessed to be able to see most of our family and friends, including all their little ones. I'll be honest - it was hard at times. Oh how I wanted to be chasing after a little one of my own, or excusing myself to go breastfeed my baby. I wanted to be able to join in the conversations of how tired I am or how my child is sleeping at night, telling stories of the messes my kids made and swapping child-rearing advice with the other moms. I wanted to have people fawning all over my baby and wanted to hold him or her, handing the baby back when he/she got fussy. I wanted to send out a Christmas card with our family. Our complete family - me, my husband, and our two kids.

The other day my husband and I were with a group of close friends, and I realized how much has changed in just a few short years. 5 years ago most of the people in this particular group were single, and only one couple had one child. This year, everyone was married and most of the couples have at least one child - some have 2 or 3. This year, I was in the minority. While everyone else was having conversations amidst tending to their children's needs, I was the childless one with no one to look after. Joining in on conversations has gotten more difficult. I can only offer so much to a conversation about kids. Yes I am a former teacher and an aunt, and I have plenty of stories to share about my nieces and nephews. But it's different. I don't know what it's like to be sleep deprived because my child won't sleep. I don't know what it's like to worry every single moment of the day about my child's safety. I don't know the guilt mothers carry that they're doing the right thing for their child. I want sleepless nights. I want guilt. I want to worry.

I was prepared for the onslaught of pregnancy announcements on Christmas day, and this year did not disappoint! I am truly happy for all of these people...and some year, maybe even next year, that happiness won't be accompanied by tears of sadness and jealousy, but rather tears of joy. Some year. Not this year. Each Christmas since 2011 I have thought, "well next year we're certain to have a baby by this time!" Four Christmases now that I've had those thoughts. The first one wasn't so bad, we had only been trying a few months. The next one hurt pretty bad, as we had experienced our first miscarriage only 3 months before. 2013 was even worse, after another loss and multiple failed fertility treatments. And this year, 2014, it was almost like a routine feeling. This year I found myself having more cautious thoughts. My thoughts this Christmas were hopeful but guarded. Maybe God will bless us with a baby this year, but maybe He won't. I continue to have faith. I continue to have hope. But I have to put my trust in God to give my husband and I exactly what we need. I don't know why we haven't been given children yet. I don't know why it is so easy for others and so hard for us. 

What I do know is this. I serve a loving God who has different plans for every person. I know that struggle leads to triumph, and if we listen closely we will hear God telling us exactly how to find victory. I know there is a reason why some people have children easily and others don't. I don't know what that reason is, and I don't pretend to understand it in the least. I know that my struggles have led to some good things, and to friendships I wouldn't have otherwise. I know that I am not alone. If you are struggling, neither are you. 

My resolution this year is simple. I want to be closer to God, and more in tune with His will for me. Whatever that is, however much sense His plan makes or doesn't make, I will do my best to listen and follow. Because it is only through Him that the impossible is made possible. Only through Him can my PCOS be healed. Only through Him can my husband and I be parents. I know without a doubt that it is God's will for us to have children. God revealed this to me in a dream many years ago. I will hold fast to His promise, and I will follow His guidance. Because when there is no hope, when all seems lost, when you think God has forgotten you...know that He hasn't. He will reveal himself in His perfect timing. And someday, maybe while we're here on Earth and maybe not until we meet God again in heaven, we will understand.