New Level, New Devil

I've been feeling very spiritually attacked lately. Things have been happening...people have been saying things...that just makes me go what the?!? I've been feeling this overwhelming sense of divisiveness among people I know. An overwhelming sense of judgement and hypocrisy and hatred towards others. It saddens me. As I scroll through my Facebook newsfeed and read comments, my stomach turns. People argue with perfect strangers. Make assumptions about people they've never met based on one or two comments. What was once healthy debate has become a game of name-calling and refusal to accept that there may be more than one way to think about things. What has this world come to? The "unfollow" button has been getting many clicks...weeding out those who spew so much negativity I wonder if they ever have a positive thought. On one hand, it's so sad. On the other, I feel the need to guard my own fragile heart from the evils of social media.

In the "real world," outside of social media I feel the enemy trying to attack me more than ever. The enemy sneaks in like a thief in the night, telling us lie after lie over and over until we start to believe it. I've caught myself believing some of those lies lately...and then I say to myself, "what am I doing??" I KNOW that is not true! God himself has told me the truth! I started to believe that my husband and I would never be parents...but then I remembered that God made a promise to me years ago, and that God always keeps his promises. Just because it hasn't happened yet, and just because we are taking a break (again) from trying, doesn't mean that our promise won't be fulfilled. It will be. In God's time. He will bring a child (or children) to us and all this pain, all these excruciating years of waiting, they will all be worth it. I know this. God has promised this.

I have a friend who has a phrase she repeats over and over when she feels the enemy attacking her: "new level, new devil!" she says. She believes (as do I) that when God is about to make something big happen in your life, Satan tries to destroy it. He does everything he can to make sure you don't succeed, that you don't fulfill God's plan. Well there must be something HUGE coming my way, because Satan has been very prominent lately! So much so that I can literally feel evil all around me at times. It's scary and exhilarating at the same time! It means that there are big changes coming my way, that God has a new plan for me and I need to hold steadfast to Him.

I know changes are coming. I've been shown a new potential career opportunity that gets me incredibly excited. It's a process and it won't happen overnight, but it means I'll be making music with kids again...which I know is what I was made to do. My husband and I have also been given another opportunity that we've been praying over. We aren't yet ready to make the specifics public, but could you pray for us friends? Pray that we are able to discern God's plan and submit to his will for our lives and our marriage and family. Pray for the choices we are about to make and the directions we go. It's exciting and scary at the same time, but we feel God may be leading us to a new role in ministry

So yes, new level, new devil indeed! But you know what? God has you. He will take care of you, no matter what. Hold onto your loving God and His word. Pour yourself into Him and He will protect you.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing, and perfect will." -Romans 12:2

The other day I was particularly upset over a stranger calling a relative of mine a "bigoted Christian freak" (or something like that). This is someone I've admired my whole life, and is one of the kindest, most generous people I know. How can someone be so hateful? I truly don't understand. And boy, did the devil enter in and take advantage of that moment! I started questioning everything...I was angry, and hurt, and having my own little temper tantrum/pity party/fight with God in my car. Then a song came on that reminded me that this world isn't what really matters. I am not a slave of this world - I am a servant of the living God. I turned up the volume as loud as I could and sang at the top of my lungs, raising my hand in the air and singing praises to the Almighty. (I probably looked like a total nut case to people driving by, but I didn't care). I felt on top of the world at that very moment! I may have played the song a few more times. Over and over I sang:

I hear a voice and he calls me redeemed
When others say I'll never be enough
And greater is the one living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world.*

Say that again. Out loud.

Greater is the one living inside of me, than he who is living in the world.

My spirit had been lifted, and I remembered that God is the one who matters! It doesn't matter what other people think or say about me! I may not be able to change them, but I can change how I react to them. I can be a person who responds in a loving manner. I can be a person who prays day in and day out. A person who yearns for and pursues a closer relationship with God and doesn't let this world define who she is. YESSSS!!!

God has already redeemed you! YOU. ARE. ENOUGH!!!

And then, my favorite part. The part that brings it all together and reminds me that nothing, no one, is perfect...and that is OK!

There'll be days I lose the battle
Grace says that it doesn't matter
'Cause the cross already won the war*

Ahhhh! Doesn't that just sum it up perfectly?

'Cause the cross already won the war!

Christ has already won! And in turn, YOU have already won! Can you feel it?? Isn't it simply AMAZING???

GOD MATTERS. No one else. Not any person or thing. It's about your relationship with God, and pursuing God's will for your life. It's how you choose to interact with people and how you react to them. It's leaving your life and your sin at the cross, and running into God's arms when Satan tries to pursue you. It's not caring how crazy people think you are because you know what? God is crazy. He is crazy for you and he wants only the best for you. And if you mess up? Guess what? IT'S OK!! God is so gracious that he gave up His only son for you! You don't have to be perfect!


Turn up the volume. Sing your heart out. Raise your hands up in glory. Dance around your living room like a little kid. Relish in the moment and the knowledge that our God is greater...because He has already won.

*lyrics from the song "Greater" by Mercy Me

The Ugly Things People Say

My apologies (once again) for the lack of recent blog posts. Someday I'll learn to be more consistent (or not. It's me we're talking about here).

I've hopped on the blog today because I need to address something. Something I've lost sleep over. Something that turns my stomach to the point I can't stand it. Something that my brain just cannot understand.

Do you know why so many women stay silent about infertility? Aside from the shame of not being able to reproduce, and the stigma surrounding infertility and loss, it really boils down to this:

Because of what people say.

Because of the backlash of horrific comments people make.

Because for whatever reason, when someone is having trouble conceiving, people seem to think that our desire to have children is selfish and unwarranted.

Because people think we should just accept it and not seek help.

Because people are heartless, cruel, and lack compassion for those going through a horrific experience.

I read an excellent article yesterday about why fertility treatments should be covered by insurance (you can read it here). Some (not many) insurances will cover parts of treatment. A rare few will even fully cover them. Most though, will not cover anything. Instead couples are left to scrounge every penny, take out loans and credit cards, and rack up tremendous debt all in the hopes of having what everyone else got for free: a family. The average cost of one cycle of artificial insemination (IUI) is over $1,000. For ONE MONTH. We did two of those. The average cost of in-vitro fertilization (IVF) is over $10,000. EACH. And there are no guarantees. A couple can easily spend upwards of $50,000 and have nothing to show for it. But it is human nature to want to try. A couple who goes through fertility treatments has a very strong desire for children, and would do anything in their power to have a child.

I should really learn not to read comments on articles related to infertility, or any article for that matter. It's bad for my mental health. This society has become a bunch of anonymous jerks hiding behind a computer screen typing out insults to strangers. It's disgusting and it makes me fear for the future of our world. Here are some of the responses to that article that almost made me vomit:

The world is overpopulated and we shouldn't be helping people have kids and causing more population problems.

If you can't naturally conceive and don't want to adopt, you're not fit to be a parent.

Infertility is not a disease and has no effect on a person's health.

If you're infertile, you should just accept it and move on. Not everyone should be able to have kids.

Having insurance coverage for fertility treatments is comparable to covering plastic surgery. It's elective.

I don't want my money going toward people having more kids that are just gonna mess things up.

Infertility treatments cause babies to be born that shouldn't be born and they have multiple health issues because they were conceived through IVF.

And my favorite:
People who go through infertility treatments are mostly wealthy people who have the money anyway.

*sigh*

I am not making these up. I paraphrased, but you can read them for yourself below the article. Disgusting. Repulsive. Bordering on inhuman. None of these comments have any basis in fact either.

I couldn't sleep last night because I just couldn't get my brain to understand how horrible people can be. How cruel and unforgiving this world is. As I was thinking about it again this afternoon (because I haven't been able to let it go) I realized that part of the reason people are so heartless about infertility is because they are so uneducated about it. Most people have no idea how horrible it is to go through, what it all involves, the physical and emotional pain, the yearning for something that is so natural yet so difficult to attain. Perhaps if people were more educated about infertility they wouldn't be so quick to judge and would show more compassion. Perhaps this is why I am so open about it, because I hate seeing people be so cruel to those who are already in so much pain.

I also realized something else.

This world needs Jesus.

More than ever, more people than ever, need Jesus to enter their lives. More people need to know a loving, forgiving, gracious savior. More people need to pour over God's word and look to Him for guidance. More people need to strive to live a more Christ-like life, in a more loving, compassionate manner. Less judgement. Less criticism. More love.

I don't know when exactly we became this world with so much awfulness. There has always been evil in the world, and it will always be here until Jesus returns. But I feel like the way we interact with each other has changed dramatically over my 35 years here on Earth. People used to be more kind, more helpful, less concerned with their own selfishness and more concerned with others' well-being. When did we stop listening to one another? Why must we argue so much and judge people for their believes and decisions? It saddens me that respect no longer seems to be important.

I don't know how to change this...I don't know if it CAN be changed. But what I do know how to do is be as loving, compassionate, and respectful of a person as I can. I know how to model in my own actions how I would want to be treated by others. I know how to put others first, I know how to listen.  And that, well, that's at least a start.

And I know how to pray, and to talk to Jesus about my problems and desires. I know how to pour over God's word and see the truth when the enemy tries to get me to believe lies. I know our God is a loving God and He will not fail me! I am not perfect by any means. Somedays I can be a horrible person too! But thank you Jesus that I don't have to be.

And thank you Jesus that, on those days when I am feeling attacked by horrible words said by people who clearly don't know You, that I can come to you. You will comfort me and hold me, and lay peace on my troubled heart. You will wash away the tears the enemy has brought on me, and remind me that You are the Way, the Truth, and the Life.

Soak in His presence.

When the world troubles you, find peace in the One who made you.

And perhaps even pray for those that don't know Him. Because everyone needs more Jesus. Everyone.