Well hello readers! I have not been keeping up very well with this blog, and I apologize. I started the "Waiting for Grace" project to bring hope to those who are suffering, and I feel like I have let you down lately. I really have no excuse, and I am sorry. Please forgive me for my negligence, I will try to do better!
Now, to the topic for today. I had a couple conversations with someone recently about how our society is so reluctant to talk about infertility, miscarriage, and infant loss. I recently read an EXCELLENT article on the topic, which you can find here. We live in this age where people feel the need to share just about everything. Social media has made us an over-sharing society, where we are able to know every minute of everyone's lives. Never before has there been a generation that shares so much. The age of anonymity is gone. Of all my 300+ Facebook friends, I could probably tell you almost every single one of their political affiliations, religions, where they live, what vacations they've been on, who's married or single (and who they're dating), their occupation (and what their company is currently promoting), and so on and so forth. And hey, I'm no different! I love sharing what's going on in my life, and I love seeing what's going on in others' lives. I advertise my business with pride. I've connected with some pretty awesome people through Facebook...and in case you didn't know the story, Facebook is the vehicle through which my husband and I reconnected over 4 years ago. The reason this very blog was started was because of people I've connected with through Facebook! I'm not knocking it at all - I'm just as addicted as the rest of you. BUT, with all this over-sharing, we still can't talk about the hard stuff.
I know people (myself included) who have shared struggles on Facebook that have been criticized for it. And not just criticized, downright ridiculed and *gasp* DE-FRIENDED!! I'm sorry, REALLY?!? We have created this culture that doesn't even require TALKING TO PEOPLE. You don't agree with someone? De-friend them! Heaven forbid you actually TALK to someone about what's bothering you. No, that would mean actually HAVING A CONVERSATION, and it might even require some COMPRISE or COMPASSION. OH THE HORROR!!! /End mini-rant.
Ok, back to my point. Even if Facebook weren't around, even if we weren't living in this over-sharing society, infertility/miscarriage/infant loss still would be a taboo subject. I imagine it has been that way for centuries. And I think it's time for that to change. We don't even like to talk about how babies are made. Ok yeah, we all know boy and girl have sex and 9 months later a baby comes. But in all honesty, until my husband and I started trying to make a baby, we didn't know just how complicated it really was. When we started to think about trying, we both just thought "Yeah! We'll just have lots and lots of sex and eventually Ade will get pregnant!" (my husband was very excited about the lots and lots of sex!) Then someone recommended a book to me called "Taking Charge of Your Fertility." Whoa. As I read through this book, I was shocked. SHOCKED I tell you! I had no idea that there were only a couple days a month you could actually get pregnant, and all the stuff about ovulation and what to look for and taking temperatures and...wow. Talk about overwhelming! Even through all the high school sex-ed classes and the "birds and the bees" talks, no one ever mentioned how to get pregnant. All the focus was on how NOT to get pregnant, which, when you're young and single is of the utmost importance. But where are the classes that teach you about what to do when you actually WANT to get pregnant? I've never seen one. We don't want to talk about that part. No, that would mean actually talking about sex and *gasp* encouraging that married people actually have sex! Oh my non-virgin ears, please stop!
So even when you've figured out exactly what to do to get pregnant (and maybe someone was even kind enough to talk to you about it), and you've tried and tried and done everything right, sometimes it still doesn't work out. Then what? Typical OB/GYNs will tell you to keep trying, and that you're young and have time, yadda yadda yadda. Some will run some basic blood tests, and some will even test your husband. But if you aren't an advocate for your own reproductive health, it can be years before you get referred to a fertility doctor. And then, even if you have the best fertility doctors (which I very fortunately do), there is still a whole new world to navigate with very little (if any) help. You have no other choice but to trust what the doctor is telling you...but what if they're wrong? What if they don't have your best interest in mind? This happens, and it causes even more hurt, pain, and frustration to add to the already painful struggle with infertility. Where do fertility patients find help? Where do we find other alternatives when traditional treatments aren't working? Who do we talk to when we just need to cry? Most of our friends don't understand. Some will tell you they can't listen because it's too much for them. Others will try to listen but just repeat the same stuff you've heard everywhere else. It's ok. Your time will come. God has a plan. And then you're stuck in the loneliest of lonely places, thinking that there's no one else that could possibly understand your struggle. You feel ashamed that you can't get pregnant, even though millions of other women have. What's wrong with you??
Yes, it's extremely difficult to talk about these things. But don't you
think it's also extremely difficult to experience them? Why should women
be left to mourn their babies (or the thought of their babies) alone?
Society puts a lid on infertility and loss, and makes women
experiencing these things to feel shamed. Shame in the fact that I have
trouble getting pregnant, and shame in the fact that both times I got
pregnant I lost my babies in the first trimester. It shouldn't be this
way. It's not our fault. If we were able to talk about these things, and
if we were able to share with others our struggles, we might not feel
so alone. There is no shame in infertility, and there is no shame in
losing a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. The only
shame is that society sweeps these conversations under the carpet and
acts like it doesn't happen. We as women are told to move on and try
again, and treat our losses as if they were just a small stumbling block
on the road to motherhood. It makes me want to scream.
We as a society refuse to delve into the world of infertility and loss, because it's just too hard. Why do I talk about it? Because I know there are other women out there who are struggling, too. I know other women who, like me, still dream of holding their babies in their arms after many years of trying. I know other women who, like me, have lost babies before they even knew their gender or their bellies began to grow. I know women who have given birth to babies that never took a breath in this world. There are too many women in this world who never heard their babies cry.
No one LIKES talking about the innocent lives that should have been. But you know what? It's high time we started talking about it. It is painful. It is recognizing that sometimes even the most natural of things don't work the way they should...that not everyone gets to have the children they've dreamed of. That sometimes even in the most perfect of circumstances, bad things happen.
So I'm gonna talk until I have no voice left (if you know me, you know I'll be talking for a very long time! Haha). I'm gonna write until my fingers fall off. I am tearing off the lid of silence that has been sealed shut for way too long. I'm gonna tell the world that it is NOT OK to pretend infertility, miscarriage, and infant loss don't happen. I'm gonna tell the women who struggle with these things that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Do not be ashamed because the world tells you that's how you should feel. Many women are struggling along with you. And if by talking and writing and spreading this message of hope I have helped only one woman, it will have all been worth it.
No one should be left to suffer alone.
