What a difference a year makes

I love the Timehop app. I think it's really neat to be able to see exactly what you were doing, or what was going through your mind, on this day years ago. It's also neat to see how much you have changed over the years. At the top of my Timehop this morning was a day I spent with my grandma a year ago. It was fun, and tearful, to reminisce spending time with her.

As I scrolled down there were some other memories (something about cats and laser pointers - I'm sure that was fun!), and then there was a memory of going to a bridal show 5 years ago. I was engaged to my husband at the time, and loved going to bridal shows, scoping out vendors, and of course getting free stuff. ;-) I remember that season of my life being on of the happiest! Being engaged, planning your wedding, and knowing that you had finally found "the one" is an exhilarating time in life.

I kept scrolling, and the last Timehop memory that appeared was six years ago.

It read: "is beginning to wonder if it's ever going to be her turn."

(side note: this must've been back when we all still talked about ourselves in 3rd person on Facebook). But I know what this memory is about. I had just turned 30 a week prior to this status update. I was still single, and hadn't been on a date since my previous engagement ended badly 3 years before that. Most of my friends were already married (I had been to many weddings without a date), many of them were already starting families. And here I was, alone with very little hope that I would ever find anyone. For the moment, I had forgotten God's promise and was laying pity on myself for not being married...or even having a boyfriend.

But would you believe that about a month later, on Valentine's Day, I went on my first date with my husband? Crazy, right!? A couple months later we were talking about getting married, and 8 months later we were engaged! And then a year later I was rounding up free goodies at a bridal show.

What a difference a year makes.

I'm sure you can imagine how I felt at age 30 being the single one among lots of married friends. I felt alone. I felt forgotten. I didn't understand why God would let other people get married and not me. I'm a good person! I do everything right! What's wrong with me?? WHY NOT ME?!? I was angry, confused, and hurting. But God had promised me a husband. I remember one night collapsing on my bed in tears, crying out to God, angry that I hadn't found a husband yet. And in that moment, I heard an audible voice say, "don't worry, he's coming." It startled me and reassured me at the same time. If I could go back and talk to 30 year old me, I'd tell her to be patient. I'd tell her to hold on to that voice that told you he was coming...because he was. He did. God always delivers on His promises. Sometimes, often times, His timeline is different than ours.

A couple years after my husband and I were married I found myself in the same angry, lonely, forgotten place. But this time it was not having the baby we so desired. 36 year old me is wondering when it will be her turn to be a mom. 36 year old me is sometimes angry, confused, and crying out to God WHY NOT ME?!? But I know that God made me a promise years ago. I KNOW that I will have a daughter. And it may not happen today, or tomorrow, or next month, or even next year. But it WILL happen. Because God promised me it would, and God ALWAYS keeps His promises!

I'm getting better at it, slowly. The other day a friend told me his girlfriend is pregnant, unexpectedly of course. And I was happy for him. Truly happy! It's been a long time since I could be truly happy for someone who got pregnant without trying. Did I still have a twinge of jealousy? You bet I did. Did I was it was me making that announcement? Of course. But I was able to take the news without tears, and congratulate my friend with no hard feelings, and even pray for them. That is major progress. I never thought I'd be able to get to that point.

But while the tears still sometimes flow, and I still get angry and have tantrums that can rival a toddler, I also know that God is working on our miracle. And some day...maybe it will even be next year...I'll scroll through my Timehop app and see a day when I was frustrated with infertility. And then I'll see a post of my newborn baby, or a fun day with my kids. And I'll remember being in this place and how the struggle changed who I am.

And I'll remember that it was all worth it. My husband was well worth the wait. My kids will be well worth the wait, too. And when they're old enough I'll tell them all about our struggles, and I'll tell them the same thing I told my husband: If I had to go back and do it all again to be with you, I would. Because you are worth every single tear, and every moment of struggle.

Reflections on a difficult 2015...and hope for the new year

Well hello again blog reading friends! It's been a long time. I took a break from blogging for a few months. It wasn't intentional really, I've been consumed with other things. 2015 was a rough year, but I am ready to put it behind me and move on into 2016. Are you ready?

There's just something about opening a fresh new planner at the beginning of the year. It is completely empty, unmarked by the previous year's disappointments. It is free from heartache, cancelled plans, and unreached goals. A clean slate. A chance to start over. On those fresh, blank pages lie endless possibilities. What will you do? Where will you go? What surprises will lurk in those pages this year? What story will you write? I simply love leafing through those blank pages, wondering what will fill them, imagining what my life will be like in the coming months. I love to set new goals and have hope for a better year. Ahhh. It is so refreshing. So full of hope.

2015 was a difficult year for me. It started the first week of January and never let up. My grandma, with whom I was very close, fell in January and it began a downward spiral. The next six months would be a wild rollercoaster. In June, Jesus finally called her home. While I was at peace with her passing, knowing that she had lived a good life and was ready to go, I was also devastated. I realized that it doesn't matter if a death is sudden and tragic, or if you've known it was coming for a long time. To those left behind, it hurts. It changes you. You find yourself lost, searching for a way to go on without your loved one, trying to find a new normal. You gain friends, you lose friends. Death can bring out the worst in people.

I've been wanting to write about my grandma's passing for a while...but I just haven't found the right words to say. I have at least 5 blog posts sitting in my drafts folder, all unfinished. None of them with quite the right words to describe how special she was to me, how amazing of a person she was. Perhaps the right words will come this year and I'll be able to share with the world about her incredible life and the many lives she touched. But for now, I continue to search for the new normal, to muster through all the holidays and special moments with watery eyes, remembering the immeasurable joy she brought to my life.

There were other things that happened in 2015, but to be honest I don't remember much else. I know there were wins and losses, victories and failures. I set goals that I didn't achieve. I was going to lose weight, my husband and I were going to revisit the fertility clinic. Neither of those things really happened. Truth be told, I spent most of the year so consumed with family stuff that we barely thought about trying for a baby again. What little effort we did make, whether it be healthy eating or baby making or anything else, it was half-hearted. There wasn't much room for anything else this year.

This is why I am so happy to pick up that blank planner today. It feels refreshing. Those crisp, white, untouched pages are filled with hope. Hope for a better year, for a chance to write a new story, to live a life filled with joy and a sense of accomplishment. Today is completely untarnished. Anything can happen. It feels like a huge dose of grace has just been poured over me, allowing me to forget the past and move forward.

As you've probably noticed, I've changed the name of my blog to "Living in Your Grace." Why the change? Because WAITING for grace just didn't seem right to me. We don't have to wait for God's grace - it's already here! This started as an infertility blog, and I will still write about our journey, but it has morphed into more than that. And while we wait for the child that God has promised to us, we will live in the grace He gives us NOW. Every day He showers us with His grace. There are stories of grace to be told as we travel this road and continue to praise Him. There are victories to be celebrated along this road, and there are moments when we will really need His grace. Even though our child is not yet here, God's grace IS.

I wish all of you dear readers a wonderful 2016. My hope is that it is better than 2015. There will be ups and downs, victories and defeats. But know this - there is a God who loves you more than you can imagine, and He will walk with you through all the hills and valleys this year. He will show you grace when you need it most, and even when you don't deserve it. Because He is just that awesome!

Go make 2016 a good year friends!

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9