What a difference a year makes

I love the Timehop app. I think it's really neat to be able to see exactly what you were doing, or what was going through your mind, on this day years ago. It's also neat to see how much you have changed over the years. At the top of my Timehop this morning was a day I spent with my grandma a year ago. It was fun, and tearful, to reminisce spending time with her.

As I scrolled down there were some other memories (something about cats and laser pointers - I'm sure that was fun!), and then there was a memory of going to a bridal show 5 years ago. I was engaged to my husband at the time, and loved going to bridal shows, scoping out vendors, and of course getting free stuff. ;-) I remember that season of my life being on of the happiest! Being engaged, planning your wedding, and knowing that you had finally found "the one" is an exhilarating time in life.

I kept scrolling, and the last Timehop memory that appeared was six years ago.

It read: "is beginning to wonder if it's ever going to be her turn."

(side note: this must've been back when we all still talked about ourselves in 3rd person on Facebook). But I know what this memory is about. I had just turned 30 a week prior to this status update. I was still single, and hadn't been on a date since my previous engagement ended badly 3 years before that. Most of my friends were already married (I had been to many weddings without a date), many of them were already starting families. And here I was, alone with very little hope that I would ever find anyone. For the moment, I had forgotten God's promise and was laying pity on myself for not being married...or even having a boyfriend.

But would you believe that about a month later, on Valentine's Day, I went on my first date with my husband? Crazy, right!? A couple months later we were talking about getting married, and 8 months later we were engaged! And then a year later I was rounding up free goodies at a bridal show.

What a difference a year makes.

I'm sure you can imagine how I felt at age 30 being the single one among lots of married friends. I felt alone. I felt forgotten. I didn't understand why God would let other people get married and not me. I'm a good person! I do everything right! What's wrong with me?? WHY NOT ME?!? I was angry, confused, and hurting. But God had promised me a husband. I remember one night collapsing on my bed in tears, crying out to God, angry that I hadn't found a husband yet. And in that moment, I heard an audible voice say, "don't worry, he's coming." It startled me and reassured me at the same time. If I could go back and talk to 30 year old me, I'd tell her to be patient. I'd tell her to hold on to that voice that told you he was coming...because he was. He did. God always delivers on His promises. Sometimes, often times, His timeline is different than ours.

A couple years after my husband and I were married I found myself in the same angry, lonely, forgotten place. But this time it was not having the baby we so desired. 36 year old me is wondering when it will be her turn to be a mom. 36 year old me is sometimes angry, confused, and crying out to God WHY NOT ME?!? But I know that God made me a promise years ago. I KNOW that I will have a daughter. And it may not happen today, or tomorrow, or next month, or even next year. But it WILL happen. Because God promised me it would, and God ALWAYS keeps His promises!

I'm getting better at it, slowly. The other day a friend told me his girlfriend is pregnant, unexpectedly of course. And I was happy for him. Truly happy! It's been a long time since I could be truly happy for someone who got pregnant without trying. Did I still have a twinge of jealousy? You bet I did. Did I was it was me making that announcement? Of course. But I was able to take the news without tears, and congratulate my friend with no hard feelings, and even pray for them. That is major progress. I never thought I'd be able to get to that point.

But while the tears still sometimes flow, and I still get angry and have tantrums that can rival a toddler, I also know that God is working on our miracle. And some day...maybe it will even be next year...I'll scroll through my Timehop app and see a day when I was frustrated with infertility. And then I'll see a post of my newborn baby, or a fun day with my kids. And I'll remember being in this place and how the struggle changed who I am.

And I'll remember that it was all worth it. My husband was well worth the wait. My kids will be well worth the wait, too. And when they're old enough I'll tell them all about our struggles, and I'll tell them the same thing I told my husband: If I had to go back and do it all again to be with you, I would. Because you are worth every single tear, and every moment of struggle.