There's just something about opening a fresh new planner at the beginning of the year. It is completely empty, unmarked by the previous year's disappointments. It is free from heartache, cancelled plans, and unreached goals. A clean slate. A chance to start over. On those fresh, blank pages lie endless possibilities. What will you do? Where will you go? What surprises will lurk in those pages this year? What story will you write? I simply love leafing through those blank pages, wondering what will fill them, imagining what my life will be like in the coming months. I love to set new goals and have hope for a better year. Ahhh. It is so refreshing. So full of hope.
2015 was a difficult year for me. It started the first week of January and never let up. My grandma, with whom I was very close, fell in January and it began a downward spiral. The next six months would be a wild rollercoaster. In June, Jesus finally called her home. While I was at peace with her passing, knowing that she had lived a good life and was ready to go, I was also devastated. I realized that it doesn't matter if a death is sudden and tragic, or if you've known it was coming for a long time. To those left behind, it hurts. It changes you. You find yourself lost, searching for a way to go on without your loved one, trying to find a new normal. You gain friends, you lose friends. Death can bring out the worst in people.
I've been wanting to write about my grandma's passing for a while...but I just haven't found the right words to say. I have at least 5 blog posts sitting in my drafts folder, all unfinished. None of them with quite the right words to describe how special she was to me, how amazing of a person she was. Perhaps the right words will come this year and I'll be able to share with the world about her incredible life and the many lives she touched. But for now, I continue to search for the new normal, to muster through all the holidays and special moments with watery eyes, remembering the immeasurable joy she brought to my life.
There were other things that happened in 2015, but to be honest I don't remember much else. I know there were wins and losses, victories and failures. I set goals that I didn't achieve. I was going to lose weight, my husband and I were going to revisit the fertility clinic. Neither of those things really happened. Truth be told, I spent most of the year so consumed with family stuff that we barely thought about trying for a baby again. What little effort we did make, whether it be healthy eating or baby making or anything else, it was half-hearted. There wasn't much room for anything else this year.
This is why I am so happy to pick up that blank planner today. It feels refreshing. Those crisp, white, untouched pages are filled with hope. Hope for a better year, for a chance to write a new story, to live a life filled with joy and a sense of accomplishment. Today is completely untarnished. Anything can happen. It feels like a huge dose of grace has just been poured over me, allowing me to forget the past and move forward.
As you've probably noticed, I've changed the name of my blog to "Living in Your Grace." Why the change? Because WAITING for grace just didn't seem right to me. We don't have to wait for God's grace - it's already here! This started as an infertility blog, and I will still write about our journey, but it has morphed into more than that. And while we wait for the child that God has promised to us, we will live in the grace He gives us NOW. Every day He showers us with His grace. There are stories of grace to be told as we travel this road and continue to praise Him. There are victories to be celebrated along this road, and there are moments when we will really need His grace. Even though our child is not yet here, God's grace IS.
I wish all of you dear readers a wonderful 2016. My hope is that it is better than 2015. There will be ups and downs, victories and defeats. But know this - there is a God who loves you more than you can imagine, and He will walk with you through all the hills and valleys this year. He will show you grace when you need it most, and even when you don't deserve it. Because He is just that awesome!
Go make 2016 a good year friends!
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9
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