A few years ago, not long before I started dating my husband, I had a dream. In my dream was a little girl. Her name was Elizabeth Grace. It was a very vivid dream, one of those dreams where you don't realize you're dreaming. When I woke the next morning, I knew that the girl in my dream was my daughter. It was then that I knew some day I would have a daughter, and her name would be Elizabeth Grace.
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It's been almost four years since I've had that dream, and I'm still waiting for my daughter Elizabeth Grace. Hence the name of this blog, "Waiting for Grace." To me it has a dual meaning:
1. I'm naming it after the daughter I hope to have sooner than later, a sign of struggling with infertility.
2. We never have to wait for God's grace. It's always there. But sometimes we are stuck waiting for Him to reveal His plan to us, and in that waiting we can experience God's grace in many ways.
This blog has been on my heart for a while. At first, I wasn't sure I wanted to share something so personal. I mean, God created me as a person who wears her heart on her sleeve and anybody that knows me knows I am a very open person about just about everything...but infertility is something that even the most open people tend to keep hidden. But God kept telling me to share my story. At first it was just family and close friends, then I expanded my circle a bit, and then I connected with some other women who are currently experiencing or have experienced infertility. Then I felt God telling me to tell the world about it. I thought about starting a blog...but why should I do that? There are hundreds of infertility blogs out there already, some of which I read regularly myself. What's one more? Who am I to write more sad stories for people to read about? And then He said to me, "who are you not to? You have a story to share. One that many will relate to, one that may give people hope. I want you to share it." It was then that I seriously started thinking about starting this blog.
So here I am, writing about something most of the world never even thinks about. The pain of infertility, the pain of never knowing if you will be a parent, and the pain of coming so close only to have it taken away. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for two years, and this past year has been full of heartache. Two miscarriages, fertility treatments, contemplating adoption, and most of all trying to make sense of this storm we are in. I have had many difficult days, and many days when I was angry with God. He and I have had many screaming matches over the past year - and by screaming matches I mean ME yelling at HIM. WHY??? Why are you doing this to us??? Why are we not good enough to be parents??? Why have you taken two of our babies away??? It has been an emotional roller coaster with more lows than highs. But all the while, I know God is with us. I know He is guiding us through, and I whole-heartedly believe that good things will come of it. Do I believe that I will have my own children? Honestly, I don't know how to answer that. I want to believe. I want to believe with all my heart that God has children for us...but after two years of this, it is not an easy thing to believe. That's the honest to God truth.
But this blog isn't really about me. It's about hope. We all have our struggles...our storms of life. If there is one thing that I have learned over the past two years, it's that everyone has a story. And until you take the time to listen to someone's story and hear what struggles they have or are facing, you will never know who they truly are. Our society is very quick to judge others for their actions...but we are not so quick to listen. I have made it a point over the past few months to listen more, and I have learned so many things. When I listen, my perspective changes. It is amazing to find out someone's story, and why they are the way they are. God made us all unique in our own way!
So while I share my story, my wish is that you find HOPE here. I have heard countless stories of people who have found hope during the storms of life...some of which you may hear from on this blog at some point. My struggle is infertility, but your struggle may be different. Maybe it's illness, or poverty, or an abusive relationship, or something else. Maybe you can relate to my struggle with infertility, and maybe not. My struggle with infertility is the catalyst for spreading the message that God wants me to share.
God loves you.
God adores you.
God will carry you.
God will make it ok.
God will make it possible.
God has a plan for you.
It is my goal that those who do not struggle with infertility will have a better understanding of it from reading this blog. It is my goal that those struggling with infertility will read this blog and feel like they are not alone. And it is my goal that everyone finds hope here, no matter what their struggle.
Blessings,
Adrianne
