Someone told me recently that they admire my attitude during this infertility process. Meaning (I think) that they admire how I've been able to find the bright spots in this journey and show gratitude for things I normally wouldn't. Oh, if they only knew! If they only knew how many times I've cried myself to sleep. How sometimes even the sight of anything baby-related brings tears to my eyes. How the smallest thing can turn into a gigantic emotional breakdown. If they only knew the fortress I've had to build around my heart to prevent it from breaking even further. The conversations I've had to excuse myself from because they were too much to handle. How I struggle to be happy for pregnant women and newborn babies. Oh yes, if they only knew the flood of tears that were being held back by that smile.
From a fairly early age I learned to put on a happy face when life got my down. My very first job was a ride operator at Hersheypark, where I learned to be "Hersheypark Happy" even when I was having a bad day. Tourists don't care what's going on in your life, they just want to enjoy their vacation. And it was my job to make sure that happened. After college I went on to be a music teacher. There's very little room for having a bad day when you're in front of a room full of eager young faces ready to learn. It is the teacher's job to be positive and encouraging. It's no business of the students' how bad your life is at that moment. I lived through a school tragedy where I had to be strong for my students mourning the loss of their classmates, and put my own sorrows aside until the students left and I could get in my car and cry all the way home. And now as a Mary Kay consultant, it is important to be positive always for my customers so that I can provide the best possible customer service for them. Even as a worship leader at my church, it is important to stay positive as we draw the congregation into worship. Yes, I am very experienced at putting on a happy face when I am feeling the complete opposite.
I quite often wonder if there are tears behind a person's smile when I talk to them. Maybe it's because the past couple years have been filled with tears of my own. I also wonder if people can see that my smile is fake, or if they think I'm genuinely happy. Have I had moments of genuine happiness over the past year? Of course I have! I have so many things to be grateful for and so many people and things that bring happiness into my life. But there are sometimes when I don't know if it's possible anymore to be genuinely happy without that nagging, sinking feeling inside me. There are days when my emptiness consumes me. Some days are filled with more tears than others.
But perhaps my friend was on to something when they spoke of my attitude. I saw a quote once that said something like life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. Your attitude can make a BIG difference. So I choose to focus on the positive things in my life. Those good things that keep me going. My husband, my niece and nephews, my amazing friends, my cats (yes, my cats!), my music, and so much more. There are days when I fail at this miserably, and fall back down into the deep abyss of sorrow, swimming through my lake of tears. And that's OK. Sometimes you just have to let it all out. Sometimes the world throws so many things at you all at once and you just need to sit and cry. But I often feel like I can't cry in front of people, so I put on my Hersheypark Happy face and act like all is well and good with the world. How does one find that balance between happiness and sharing your sorrow?
I invite you to cry. Whatever is going on in your life, whatever your current struggle, just give yourself the time to sit and cry. It's ok. You don't always have to be strong. It's ok to be weak when life gets the best of you. And after you've cried, reach down and find the smile behind the tears. It's there, you just have to reach for it. Because behind all those tears is a God who loves you and will never leave you. He knows sorrow. He knows the greatest sorrow of losing a child, as He gave up His only son for you. And He still loves you and He still loves this world, despite how humans make every attempt to hurt Him. And when you find this inner peace that God gave you, and you find that smile behind all those tears, maybe, just maybe, that smile can be a genuine happiness...even if only for a moment.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Jericho
When I was a little girl, my Dad would tell me Bible stories before bed time. The Battle of Jericho was always one of my favorites. I would ask him to tell me the story, and then we would dance around the room singing the song "Joshua Fit the Battle of Jericho" pretending to play the trumpet. (It's no wonder where I got my goofy side from.) ;-) My dad always talked about putting on the armor of God and fighting battles. Little did I know how true this story would ring for me one day.
You're probably familiar with the story. In the book of Joshua, God asks the Israelites to march around the city of Jericho once every day for 7 days. On the 7th day they sound the trumpets and the walls of Jericho fall down so the Israelites can enter the city. Crazy impossible story, right? I guess I love to believe in the impossible, because to this day it's still one of my favorite stories of the Bible.
My pastor spoke about the story of Jericho this past Sunday. He is doing a sermon series about God doing impossible things in our lives. Needless to say, I have been intently listening to this series as my husband and I are in the midst of an impossible situation, waiting for God to reveal the impossible things He is doing for us. Many of the points in our pastor's sermons have really hit home over the past couple weeks. As he was talking this past Sunday about how ridiculous it must have felt (and looked to those watching!) to keep circling a city in hopes that the walls would magically fall down at the sound of trumpets, I turned to my husband and said, "I feel like we've been walking around Jericho for two years."
God often asks us to do crazy things. My husband and I have been wandering around for the past two years, sometimes feeling like we're walking in circles trying to discern where to go next. But we keep waiting, we keep having to go back to square one. Every month is another lap around a city built with a fortress that we can't get into. Twice we have come close...so close...we've been standing at the door knocking, only to be thrown back out to continue circling. When will the walls fall? When do our trumpets sound? Will it be fertility drugs that knock the walls down? Will it be more intensive treatment such as artificial insemination or donor eggs or *gulp* adoption? When does this never-ending circle end?
It must look ridiculous to a fly on the wall to watch us do some of the things infertile couples do. Sex during fertile times is about the farthest thing from romantic a married couple can get. I take medications and take frequent trips to the fertility clinic where they analyze my blood and my ovaries and my uterus. I take my temperature every morning and pee on sticks to determine just when it's the right time. We discuss things like whether or not to go away for weekends because we might miss a window, or I might have to go to the fertility clinic for monitoring. Yes, we probably look like crazy people. But these are things that we believe God has asked us to do. He has asked us to put our trust in Him, and He has led us down this path. We haven't made any decisions about fertility treatments without first praying and asking God what He wanted us to do. Have we always made the right choice? I honestly have no idea. But somehow God continues to lead us through it.
Unlike the Israelites, who were told it would happen for them on the 7th time around, we don't know what time will be ours. But we keep walking. We keep moving on and having faith. I don't know why God has asked us to fight this battle...perhaps I'll never know. I don't know why we can't get through the fortress of fertility or how many times we will have to circle that fortress until we are finally allowed to enter. What I do know is God is always with us, and He will never abandon us. Sometimes God gives us solutions that make no sense, and that we never would have expected. I know He will work it out somehow. Maybe my idea of it working out and God's idea of working it out are different. Our pastor shared a wonderful quote on Sunday that helped to put things in perspective:
"Jesus will always give you what you would have prayed for if you knew everything He knows." -Timothy Keller
Obviously, I don't know what Jesus knows about my life or my situation. Nobody does. But I still believe that fortress will come down somehow. It has to. I can't live the rest of my life like this.
A dear friend gave me this scripture yesterday:
"We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but NEVER ABANDONED by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed." - 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (NLT)
GOD WILL NEVER ABANDON YOU. No matter what your struggle, how bad your pain is, or how tough your battle. He will NEVER LEAVE YOU. Sometimes, that is the only comfort I have to hold on to. As you circle your own Jericho, waiting for your own walls to fall down, God is walking with you. He knows your struggles, and He knows your heart. And the beautiful thing is, He already knows how and when it will work out. Just keep walking.
And of course, I simply cannot write a blog about the Battle of Jericho without including the song! My favorite arrangement from my elementary chorus director days. How appropriate that this video is of kids singing it when my Jericho is trying to have children! Enjoy! ;-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji-0CjCKHi8
You're probably familiar with the story. In the book of Joshua, God asks the Israelites to march around the city of Jericho once every day for 7 days. On the 7th day they sound the trumpets and the walls of Jericho fall down so the Israelites can enter the city. Crazy impossible story, right? I guess I love to believe in the impossible, because to this day it's still one of my favorite stories of the Bible.
My pastor spoke about the story of Jericho this past Sunday. He is doing a sermon series about God doing impossible things in our lives. Needless to say, I have been intently listening to this series as my husband and I are in the midst of an impossible situation, waiting for God to reveal the impossible things He is doing for us. Many of the points in our pastor's sermons have really hit home over the past couple weeks. As he was talking this past Sunday about how ridiculous it must have felt (and looked to those watching!) to keep circling a city in hopes that the walls would magically fall down at the sound of trumpets, I turned to my husband and said, "I feel like we've been walking around Jericho for two years."
God often asks us to do crazy things. My husband and I have been wandering around for the past two years, sometimes feeling like we're walking in circles trying to discern where to go next. But we keep waiting, we keep having to go back to square one. Every month is another lap around a city built with a fortress that we can't get into. Twice we have come close...so close...we've been standing at the door knocking, only to be thrown back out to continue circling. When will the walls fall? When do our trumpets sound? Will it be fertility drugs that knock the walls down? Will it be more intensive treatment such as artificial insemination or donor eggs or *gulp* adoption? When does this never-ending circle end?
It must look ridiculous to a fly on the wall to watch us do some of the things infertile couples do. Sex during fertile times is about the farthest thing from romantic a married couple can get. I take medications and take frequent trips to the fertility clinic where they analyze my blood and my ovaries and my uterus. I take my temperature every morning and pee on sticks to determine just when it's the right time. We discuss things like whether or not to go away for weekends because we might miss a window, or I might have to go to the fertility clinic for monitoring. Yes, we probably look like crazy people. But these are things that we believe God has asked us to do. He has asked us to put our trust in Him, and He has led us down this path. We haven't made any decisions about fertility treatments without first praying and asking God what He wanted us to do. Have we always made the right choice? I honestly have no idea. But somehow God continues to lead us through it.
Unlike the Israelites, who were told it would happen for them on the 7th time around, we don't know what time will be ours. But we keep walking. We keep moving on and having faith. I don't know why God has asked us to fight this battle...perhaps I'll never know. I don't know why we can't get through the fortress of fertility or how many times we will have to circle that fortress until we are finally allowed to enter. What I do know is God is always with us, and He will never abandon us. Sometimes God gives us solutions that make no sense, and that we never would have expected. I know He will work it out somehow. Maybe my idea of it working out and God's idea of working it out are different. Our pastor shared a wonderful quote on Sunday that helped to put things in perspective:
"Jesus will always give you what you would have prayed for if you knew everything He knows." -Timothy Keller
Obviously, I don't know what Jesus knows about my life or my situation. Nobody does. But I still believe that fortress will come down somehow. It has to. I can't live the rest of my life like this.
A dear friend gave me this scripture yesterday:
"We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but NEVER ABANDONED by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed." - 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (NLT)
GOD WILL NEVER ABANDON YOU. No matter what your struggle, how bad your pain is, or how tough your battle. He will NEVER LEAVE YOU. Sometimes, that is the only comfort I have to hold on to. As you circle your own Jericho, waiting for your own walls to fall down, God is walking with you. He knows your struggles, and He knows your heart. And the beautiful thing is, He already knows how and when it will work out. Just keep walking.
And of course, I simply cannot write a blog about the Battle of Jericho without including the song! My favorite arrangement from my elementary chorus director days. How appropriate that this video is of kids singing it when my Jericho is trying to have children! Enjoy! ;-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji-0CjCKHi8
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
What if it Doesn't?
"It will happen." If I could count the number of times I've heard this phrase (or some version of it) in the past two years, I'd be rich. Filthy rich. I'd be living in a giant mansion on the top of a hill overlooking a gorgeous view without a care in the world. The harsh reality is though, that when you are struggling with infertility you are facing the very real possibility that it WON'T happen. My body does not function the way it is supposed to. I did not choose for my body to be this way, but it is nonetheless. The possibility of me getting pregnant without medical intervention is pretty much slim to none...and even then there are no guarantees. So why do people feel the need to tell me "It will happen" when neither they nor I really know that to be true?
I know people are just trying to be helpful, comforting me with some sort of optimism. Many people have quoted "God's plan" to me...but what if God's plan doesn't include children? What then? How do I, after wanting children my entire life, come to terms with that? It is always in the back of my mind and something I wrestle with every day.
Every month is another reminder that my body is failing me. Every month I face decisions about things that most of the rest of the world doesn't even know exist, or if they do they know little about. I have a friend who has had four failed artificial inseminations. I have another friend who, after years of treatments and several failed in-vitro attempts, gave up on having biological children and adopted. Recently, I read a book written by a women who has been trying for over 10 years and finally came to the acceptance that she would never have children. This is reality for us infertile people.
So when you tell a couple struggling with infertility that "it will happen," as well-meaning as those words may be, they are often hurting more than helping. At least that's my experience. Have I lost all hope that I'll ever be a mother? No. Not yet. I still WANT to believe that "it will happen." But as the months go by and I'm still not holding a baby in my arms, that hope starts to fade. I am a firm believer in God and His plan, but I don't yet know if His plan for me includes children. I hope and pray that it does...but if it doesn't, that will be something I will have to eventually come to terms with. That is not easy.
What DO you say? Well, sometimes nothing. Sometimes people just want someone to listen, no matter what struggle they are facing. We are such a problem-solving society that we immediately feel the need to put a Band-Aid on every situation. We have to justify someone's situation, we have to compare it to everyone else's and tell someone's story of this that or the other thing. We have to ask a million questions to get to the bottom of things. All this has a time and a place. If a struggling person wants to go into detail, let them take the lead. It's ok to ask questions and try to problem solve when warranted. But sometimes...sometimes the best thing you can say to someone is "I love you and I am praying for you."
Those words mean more to me than anything else. Just LOVE. Just PRAY. Just allow them to BE wherever they ARE, however they FEEL.
Blessings,
Adrianne
I know people are just trying to be helpful, comforting me with some sort of optimism. Many people have quoted "God's plan" to me...but what if God's plan doesn't include children? What then? How do I, after wanting children my entire life, come to terms with that? It is always in the back of my mind and something I wrestle with every day.
Every month is another reminder that my body is failing me. Every month I face decisions about things that most of the rest of the world doesn't even know exist, or if they do they know little about. I have a friend who has had four failed artificial inseminations. I have another friend who, after years of treatments and several failed in-vitro attempts, gave up on having biological children and adopted. Recently, I read a book written by a women who has been trying for over 10 years and finally came to the acceptance that she would never have children. This is reality for us infertile people.
So when you tell a couple struggling with infertility that "it will happen," as well-meaning as those words may be, they are often hurting more than helping. At least that's my experience. Have I lost all hope that I'll ever be a mother? No. Not yet. I still WANT to believe that "it will happen." But as the months go by and I'm still not holding a baby in my arms, that hope starts to fade. I am a firm believer in God and His plan, but I don't yet know if His plan for me includes children. I hope and pray that it does...but if it doesn't, that will be something I will have to eventually come to terms with. That is not easy.
What DO you say? Well, sometimes nothing. Sometimes people just want someone to listen, no matter what struggle they are facing. We are such a problem-solving society that we immediately feel the need to put a Band-Aid on every situation. We have to justify someone's situation, we have to compare it to everyone else's and tell someone's story of this that or the other thing. We have to ask a million questions to get to the bottom of things. All this has a time and a place. If a struggling person wants to go into detail, let them take the lead. It's ok to ask questions and try to problem solve when warranted. But sometimes...sometimes the best thing you can say to someone is "I love you and I am praying for you."
Those words mean more to me than anything else. Just LOVE. Just PRAY. Just allow them to BE wherever they ARE, however they FEEL.
Blessings,
Adrianne
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
How to Talk to Your Infertile Friends
There are so many things I want to write about, I have a list that keeps growing. But I feel like this needs to come first. I've come to realize that we infertile people are a small and specialized group. Infertility is a lonely place. Those of us struggling with infertility are faced with decisions that the majority of the world never has to think about, and discuss options that most people don't even know exist. We have our own language of acronyms and sayings. It is difficult for us to discuss what we are going through with people who have never been there, because while they are well-meaning people they just have no clue as to all that is involved in the world of infertility. Many times when I am discussing my infertility journey with people I end up spending most of the time explaining the various things we have done, or will be doing, the options and exactly what this medication or this procedure does, etc. etc. It is exhausting when all you want to do is cry on someone's shoulder.
While most of our friends are well-meaning people, I have been told some pretty crazy things in the past couple years. I don't blame people (well, most of them anyway. I have heard some hurtful things from people who should know better, but I digress). In any situation, people who have not been in your shoes probably don't know how to handle talking to you. So I've put together a list of "do's and don'ts" when talking to your infertile friends. I give you this list with love, in hopes that you will have a better understanding of what it's like to hear these things and in turn be a more compassionate person toward them (not that you aren't compassionate already, I am sure you are!). But like I said, infertility is a very lonely and VERY emotional place to be.
So first, here are some things you can do to help your infertile friend:
LISTEN.
Sometimes all we need is a friendly ear. Even if you can't possibly understand where we are coming from, just listening can mean the world to someone.
BE COMPASSIONATE.
You have to understand that we are struggling with the most natural thing in the world - creating life. God created us to procreate, and for whatever reason we are having trouble doing what God created our bodies to do. That is a difficult thing to swallow (and when I get to heaven, it's going to be my very first question!). Be compassionate about your friend's struggles, and give them grace when they fall off the deep end (which can happen at any given moment...especially right after she's had yet another negative pregnancy test).
RESPECT THEIR CHOICES.
Respect that your friend can't handle certain situations right now. When she tells you that she can't handle going to your baby shower, or your kid's first birthday party, or will break down if she walks down the baby aisle at Target, just say "ok" and leave it at that. Celebrations of babies and children are just about unbearable when you're going through infertility. If she can't handle discussing babies and children, change the subject. Also, please please please respect the choices they are making regarding fertility treatments. When it comes to having a family, only the parents have the right to make the decisions about how they will bring children into this world. No one else but their fertility doctor has the right to voice their opinion on the matter. You may or may not agree with what they are doing, but please keep it to yourself. Chances are you've never been in their position, and never had to face their decisions.
PRAY FOR THEM.
When people ask me how they can help, most of the time I tell them just to pray for us. It means so much more to me that someone is praying for us than anything else, and I will be more apt to talk to you about it if I know you are invested in praying for me. Keep your infertile friend in your prayers - pray for guidance in the decisions they have to make, for emotional health, and for comfort when they have a miscarriage or infant loss.
Ok, now here's what NOT to say and/or do to your infertile friend:
DON'T OFFER ADVICE UNLESS ASKED.
I cannot tell you how much unwarranted advice I have gotten in the past two years. People want to tell me how they got pregnant in 3 months, or what diet they ate, or what sexual position is best, and yadda yadda yadda. Someone always has a story of someone they know who struggled to get pregnant and now has 5 kids because they did (blank). They ask me if I've done this that or the other thing. Trust me, we've tried it all. We have a team of fertility specialists working with us who have helped thousands of couples get pregnant. They know what they're doing, and we trust them. Please don't make our decisions any more complicated by offering your non-expert advice.
DON'T TELL US TO RELAX.
Relaxing is impossible when going through fertility treatments. We are at the fertility clinic at least once a week getting blood taken or having internal ultrasounds, getting poked and prodded in all sorts of places by all sorts of people. Then we're told exactly what days (and sometimes even what times) we have to get it on with our husbands, and sometimes there are shots involved that we have to administer ourselves (or our husbands have to give us). Some of your friends may be trying to get pregnant by artificial insemination or in-vitro fertilization. There is nothing relaxing about trying to get pregnant in a doctor's office or lab. Nothing at all.
DON'T MENTION ADOPTION
If your friend is going through fertility treatments, it means that they haven't given up on having their own biological children. Adoption may be in back of their mind (and they may have even researched it), but they are not ready to go that route yet. Most adoption agencies won't let infertile couples adopt until they have stopped fertility treatments, so for your infertile friend to consider adopting, it means they have to come to terms with the fact that they will never give birth to a child biologically. It takes a long time, and a lot of prayer, to get to that place.
DON'T CRACK JOKES ABOUT IT.
While comments like "do you need some sperm?" or "you can have my eggs" or "you want my kids?" or the worst one "are you sure you want kids?" may seem harmless, they hit us like a knife through the heart. No, I don't want your kids. I want my own. I don't want your eggs, I want mine to work they way they're supposed to. Am I sure I want kids? No, I'm going through all these tests and treatments (some of them quite painful), taking meds that make me crazy, crying my eyes out every single month when I'm not pregnant, because I'm just not sure I want to have kids. Don't be insensitive.
DON'T SAY "AT LEAST YOU KNOW YOU CAN GET PREGNANT" AFTER A MISCARRIAGE.
I heard this phrase from more people than I care to count after both of my miscarriages. In fact, after the first miscarriage it was one of the first things the doctor said to me (not my fertility doctor). How insensitive!!! Yes, I know I CAN get pregnant. I've been pregnant twice...but I've never made it past 8 weeks. Getting pregnant doesn't do me a whole lot of good if I can't carry a baby to term, now does it? If my body is incapable of carrying and delivering a live, healthy baby, then I'd rather never get pregnant again. I don't want to live the horror of losing a baby for the 3rd time. So yes while it's true I can get pregnant, I don't need anyone to remind me that my body has failed me in pregnancy twice.
ABOVE ALL, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS, DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR KIDS OR YOUR PREGNANCY!!!
If you don't listen to anything of my other advice, listen to this. I am constantly bombarded by people complaining about their kids. I use the "hide" button on Facebook very liberally because people seem to think it's a forum to b*%# about what their kids are doing, or how they can't stand being pregnant anymore. Look, I have more friends with kids than not. I get that parenting is difficult. I know there are bad days that you want to throw your kids out the window. When I am a mom, I am sure I'll have those days too. My sister had two very difficult pregnancies and was on bed rest for most of them, I get that pregnancy isn't a walk in the park and can wreak havoc on your body. But you know what? I would LOVE to have those kids you complain about. I would LOVE to have every ache and pain you ever had while pregnant if it meant having my own baby. I can't wait to be up every hour throughout the night because my baby won't sleep, and feel like a zombie for 6 months. I don't care how difficult my pregnancy is, or how difficult my kids are. I just want them. So complain all you want to someone else, just don't complain to your infertile friend. Please.
----------
As I was writing this list, I realized that this list of do's and don'ts could be applied to anyone going through difficult times. If your friend has cancer, don't complain to them about stubbing your toe. If your friend lost his or her job, don't complain to them about not having the money to buy an iPad. We all have our struggles, and it is most important to LISTEN and BE COMPASSIONATE. Remember in my first blog, I said that everyone has a story, and until you take the time to listen you'll never know why someone is the way they are. It may sound cliche, but God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. Advice is warranted when someone asks for it. This is something that I need to work on myself, as I am a person who likes to help others. I am sure I have offered unwanted advice more than once! But isn't it beautiful that God made us all imperfect in our own ways, and that life is a continuing journey of learning and experiencing?
I hope this list has helped to shed some light on what is going through the mind of a person struggling with infertility. Hopefully it will help you to be a more compassionate person to your infertile friends, and to anyone in general who is facing a struggle. It is always best to think before your speak! In general, being a good listener and being compassionate to someone facing a struggle is the best thing you can do, even if you can't understand it. HOPE is found amidst our struggles when we are surrounded with compassionate people to lean on.
Blessings,
Adrianne
While most of our friends are well-meaning people, I have been told some pretty crazy things in the past couple years. I don't blame people (well, most of them anyway. I have heard some hurtful things from people who should know better, but I digress). In any situation, people who have not been in your shoes probably don't know how to handle talking to you. So I've put together a list of "do's and don'ts" when talking to your infertile friends. I give you this list with love, in hopes that you will have a better understanding of what it's like to hear these things and in turn be a more compassionate person toward them (not that you aren't compassionate already, I am sure you are!). But like I said, infertility is a very lonely and VERY emotional place to be.
So first, here are some things you can do to help your infertile friend:
LISTEN.
Sometimes all we need is a friendly ear. Even if you can't possibly understand where we are coming from, just listening can mean the world to someone.
BE COMPASSIONATE.
You have to understand that we are struggling with the most natural thing in the world - creating life. God created us to procreate, and for whatever reason we are having trouble doing what God created our bodies to do. That is a difficult thing to swallow (and when I get to heaven, it's going to be my very first question!). Be compassionate about your friend's struggles, and give them grace when they fall off the deep end (which can happen at any given moment...especially right after she's had yet another negative pregnancy test).
RESPECT THEIR CHOICES.
Respect that your friend can't handle certain situations right now. When she tells you that she can't handle going to your baby shower, or your kid's first birthday party, or will break down if she walks down the baby aisle at Target, just say "ok" and leave it at that. Celebrations of babies and children are just about unbearable when you're going through infertility. If she can't handle discussing babies and children, change the subject. Also, please please please respect the choices they are making regarding fertility treatments. When it comes to having a family, only the parents have the right to make the decisions about how they will bring children into this world. No one else but their fertility doctor has the right to voice their opinion on the matter. You may or may not agree with what they are doing, but please keep it to yourself. Chances are you've never been in their position, and never had to face their decisions.
PRAY FOR THEM.
When people ask me how they can help, most of the time I tell them just to pray for us. It means so much more to me that someone is praying for us than anything else, and I will be more apt to talk to you about it if I know you are invested in praying for me. Keep your infertile friend in your prayers - pray for guidance in the decisions they have to make, for emotional health, and for comfort when they have a miscarriage or infant loss.
Ok, now here's what NOT to say and/or do to your infertile friend:
DON'T OFFER ADVICE UNLESS ASKED.
I cannot tell you how much unwarranted advice I have gotten in the past two years. People want to tell me how they got pregnant in 3 months, or what diet they ate, or what sexual position is best, and yadda yadda yadda. Someone always has a story of someone they know who struggled to get pregnant and now has 5 kids because they did (blank). They ask me if I've done this that or the other thing. Trust me, we've tried it all. We have a team of fertility specialists working with us who have helped thousands of couples get pregnant. They know what they're doing, and we trust them. Please don't make our decisions any more complicated by offering your non-expert advice.
DON'T TELL US TO RELAX.
Relaxing is impossible when going through fertility treatments. We are at the fertility clinic at least once a week getting blood taken or having internal ultrasounds, getting poked and prodded in all sorts of places by all sorts of people. Then we're told exactly what days (and sometimes even what times) we have to get it on with our husbands, and sometimes there are shots involved that we have to administer ourselves (or our husbands have to give us). Some of your friends may be trying to get pregnant by artificial insemination or in-vitro fertilization. There is nothing relaxing about trying to get pregnant in a doctor's office or lab. Nothing at all.
DON'T MENTION ADOPTION
If your friend is going through fertility treatments, it means that they haven't given up on having their own biological children. Adoption may be in back of their mind (and they may have even researched it), but they are not ready to go that route yet. Most adoption agencies won't let infertile couples adopt until they have stopped fertility treatments, so for your infertile friend to consider adopting, it means they have to come to terms with the fact that they will never give birth to a child biologically. It takes a long time, and a lot of prayer, to get to that place.
DON'T CRACK JOKES ABOUT IT.
While comments like "do you need some sperm?" or "you can have my eggs" or "you want my kids?" or the worst one "are you sure you want kids?" may seem harmless, they hit us like a knife through the heart. No, I don't want your kids. I want my own. I don't want your eggs, I want mine to work they way they're supposed to. Am I sure I want kids? No, I'm going through all these tests and treatments (some of them quite painful), taking meds that make me crazy, crying my eyes out every single month when I'm not pregnant, because I'm just not sure I want to have kids. Don't be insensitive.
DON'T SAY "AT LEAST YOU KNOW YOU CAN GET PREGNANT" AFTER A MISCARRIAGE.
I heard this phrase from more people than I care to count after both of my miscarriages. In fact, after the first miscarriage it was one of the first things the doctor said to me (not my fertility doctor). How insensitive!!! Yes, I know I CAN get pregnant. I've been pregnant twice...but I've never made it past 8 weeks. Getting pregnant doesn't do me a whole lot of good if I can't carry a baby to term, now does it? If my body is incapable of carrying and delivering a live, healthy baby, then I'd rather never get pregnant again. I don't want to live the horror of losing a baby for the 3rd time. So yes while it's true I can get pregnant, I don't need anyone to remind me that my body has failed me in pregnancy twice.
ABOVE ALL, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS, DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR KIDS OR YOUR PREGNANCY!!!
If you don't listen to anything of my other advice, listen to this. I am constantly bombarded by people complaining about their kids. I use the "hide" button on Facebook very liberally because people seem to think it's a forum to b*%# about what their kids are doing, or how they can't stand being pregnant anymore. Look, I have more friends with kids than not. I get that parenting is difficult. I know there are bad days that you want to throw your kids out the window. When I am a mom, I am sure I'll have those days too. My sister had two very difficult pregnancies and was on bed rest for most of them, I get that pregnancy isn't a walk in the park and can wreak havoc on your body. But you know what? I would LOVE to have those kids you complain about. I would LOVE to have every ache and pain you ever had while pregnant if it meant having my own baby. I can't wait to be up every hour throughout the night because my baby won't sleep, and feel like a zombie for 6 months. I don't care how difficult my pregnancy is, or how difficult my kids are. I just want them. So complain all you want to someone else, just don't complain to your infertile friend. Please.
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As I was writing this list, I realized that this list of do's and don'ts could be applied to anyone going through difficult times. If your friend has cancer, don't complain to them about stubbing your toe. If your friend lost his or her job, don't complain to them about not having the money to buy an iPad. We all have our struggles, and it is most important to LISTEN and BE COMPASSIONATE. Remember in my first blog, I said that everyone has a story, and until you take the time to listen you'll never know why someone is the way they are. It may sound cliche, but God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. Advice is warranted when someone asks for it. This is something that I need to work on myself, as I am a person who likes to help others. I am sure I have offered unwanted advice more than once! But isn't it beautiful that God made us all imperfect in our own ways, and that life is a continuing journey of learning and experiencing?
I hope this list has helped to shed some light on what is going through the mind of a person struggling with infertility. Hopefully it will help you to be a more compassionate person to your infertile friends, and to anyone in general who is facing a struggle. It is always best to think before your speak! In general, being a good listener and being compassionate to someone facing a struggle is the best thing you can do, even if you can't understand it. HOPE is found amidst our struggles when we are surrounded with compassionate people to lean on.
Blessings,
Adrianne
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