Another month, another failed fertility treatment. This month hit me really hard. It was supposed to work this time. My body was finally doing what it was supposed to do, the stars had all aligned and this was going to be the month. I could feel it. Except it wasn't. Now what? Do we shell out more money to maybe have better results next month? How many months can we afford to keep going until our debt limit is reached? We're not the government, we can't just raise our debt ceiling and keep going until something works. I'll be honest, I cried a lot today. I knew even before going in to the doctor what the results were going to be. All the signs that my monthly visitor was on it's way arrived late last night. My body knew. My heart knew. And so it was confirmed. No baby this month. No, you're not going to be parents yet. Another slice of my pie of hope was cut away today. Every month more slices get taken away. I'm not sure how much pie is left...I'm not sure how much hope is left.
I'm going to be real here for a minute. There are a lot of things wrong with this world. There is a lot of evil out there. And most of it, I can accept. I know we're all part of a bigger story, of God's "grand design" if you will. I accept that bad things happen to good people, and there are wars and evil dictators and people who want to hurt others. I don't like any of it of course, but somehow I can accept that it's a part of living here on Earth. But there's one thing I can NOT accept, and that's how good people, people who want nothing more than to have children and would be wonderful parents, struggle so much to have children when there are so many unwanted and unloved children in the world. The Christian woman in me wants to say it's ok and God has a plan and yadda yadda yadda...but I can't. I'm sorry, I just can't. I've seen too many hurting children. As a teacher for 9 years, I saw children who only got a good meal at school. The only people who they felt loved by were their teachers and classmates. The only place they felt safe was at school. I taught children who were abused, neglected, and treated horribly by selfish parents who put their needs ahead of their children's needs. People who throw around the word "abortion" like it's some sort of fashion statement...what I would give to take the "burden" of having a child from them. My mom was a child psychiatry nurse for over 20 years and saw the worst of the worst...far worse cases than I had ever seen. WHY? Why do these horrible people get to have kids without even trying and here I am spending thousands of dollars struggling to have children when I KNOW I would be the best parents I knew how to be?
I don't understand. And I'm not going to try to understand. This is something I have to give to Jesus to understand and accept, because I can not. And I'm finally starting to realize, that's OK. He will take the burdens that you cannot bear. This is a burden I cannot bear, and a journey I cannot walk alone. This is a paradox of the universe that is beyond my comprehension. I will never understand it, I will never accept it. Perhaps someday when Jesus and I meet I can ask him why. Maybe it's not His doing at all...maybe it's the enemy's doing. I don't know and I will never pretend to know.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30
This is where I am right now. I am using Jesus to shoulder my burden. I am holding on to that last sliver of hope. It's small, but it's there. I have to dig very deep to find it some days...like today. That's ok too. Because when you are losing hope, God hopes for you. Others hope for you. Maybe if everyone contributes a tiny piece of hope to someone else's pie, we could all have more hope again. Do you know someone who is hurting who could use a tiny slice of your hope? Do you need a tiny slice of hope from someone? I will admit, I could use some of those slices if you have them, at least where pregnancy and children are concerned. I have slices of hope to give back in other areas and will happily give you hope! Maybe if we all share the slices of hope we do have we could all end up with pies full of hope!
