Sometime last year (spring I think), my husband came home with news that his parents wanted to take us to Aruba...and they wanted to pay for it. I was shocked. Floored. I'm pretty sure I didn't speak for a few minutes (if you know me, you know that I am rarely at a loss for words!). My in-laws felt bad that the family vacation to the Outer Banks they had planned fell through, and thought we really deserved a vacation after all we'd been through over the past two years. I didn't know how to react, and my first instinct was to say no. We couldn't possibly take a trip out of the country, could we? Who are we to deserve this? What will people think? (That's always a question, isn't it?)
We almost said no to the trip of a lifetime.
I know, you're thinking we were crazy for even thinking of turning it down, right? Well, when you're in our position, it's not so crazy. You see, when you're battling infertility you live in constant limbo. Every decision comes with a set of "what ifs?" and planning long-term is difficult. What if we're in the middle of a treatment cycle? What if I'm pregnant? What if I'm high-risk? What will the doctors say? What if we decide to adopt and we're waiting for "the call?" So many questions that are impossible to answer. After about a week or so of praying and considering these questions, I finally said to my husband, "are we crazy? Who turns down a free trip to a tropical paradise?? We need to go." So we said yes, purchased the trip insurance "just in case," and started to look forward to a week in tropical paradise.
In between saying yes to Aruba and actually going on the trip, a lot happened. We made decisions regarding trying for a baby and began trying again on our own with the help of natural remedies, and we bought a house (a whole other story in itself). I carried an immense feeling of guilt about taking this trip. It was difficult for me to get excited about it, and I couldn't figure out why. And then someone said the most awful thing to me:
At least you can still go on trips like this because you don't have kids.
And I lost it. Just when I had been beginning to accept that we were going on this trip, I completely broke down. Didn't people understand that I didn't care about Aruba as much as I cared about having kids?? How could someone be so cruel to tell me a vacation is better than having a family? I would trade a free trip to anywhere for children! And then it hit me, the reason I was having trouble getting excited about this trip wasn't because I didn't want to go...it was because I didn't want to be able to go. I wanted to be at home with my babies. I didn't want to be able to have the opportunity to take exotic vacations, because I'd rather spend my time at home with my kids. I'd rather my in-laws be giving us money to spoil their grandkids than to pay for a vacation. I begged my husband to cancel the trip. I told him he could go if he wanted but I was staying home. I was a hot mess. But in the end, my husband convinced me that we needed this trip. That it would be good for us. I was reluctant, but I said ok and off to paradise we went.
It was the best decision we've made in a long time.
Oh, did I mention we moved into our new house less than two weeks before we left for Aruba? Yeah, we don't do things easy around here. Haha.
Once we got to Aruba and were able to relax (and had a few cocktails in us) ;), I realized just how much weight I had been carrying. I was more stressed than I realized. For one week, I forgot about all our troubles. The resort we stayed at had very few kids, so we were away from the constant reminder of our empty arms. I had no connections to the outside world. No phone, no internet, I didn't even watch the news. It was so wonderful. Most days I sat on the beach all day, drink in hand, and read. I read 2 1/2 books during that week. I wrote. I took time to see sights in one of the most beautiful places on earth. I snorkeled and took a jeep tour and sailed. My husband and I had several date nights, and were able to spend time together without worry. We were able to not worry about whether or not it was "time" to do the baby dance. It was truly an escape from reality. We just enjoyed ourselves and everything Aruba had to offer for a week. It was incredible.
In the end, I realized that we needed that trip to Aruba more than anything. It came at the perfect time, and while it certainly didn't solve all our problems, it at least allowed us to forget them for a while. It rekindled our marriage, and filled up our souls in a way that is difficult to describe. I came back from Aruba feeling refreshed and renewed (and desperately wanting to see sunshine again...it was 20 degrees when we got off the plane in the US!). Would I go back? Absolutely.
I still struggle with the act of generosity given to us from my husband's parents. Who are we to deserve such a large gift? Well, we're nobody really. But sometimes we are given things we don't deserve. Sometimes acts of generosity, no matter how big or small, are difficult for us to accept. But clearly someone saw in us the struggle and pain we've been facing, and knew we needed a break. They knew, even if we didn't, that a week in abundant sunshine would be good for us. And they were right. And really, in comparison to the huge act of generosity that God gave us through Jesus, a free vacation is a small thing to accept, isn't it? We are all worth more than we realize, even when we don't feel worthy.
And someday, when the time is right and we are able, we will pay it forward.
Besides, where else in the world do you get to see sunsets like THIS?
