Let me back up a bit, so you all understand where I'm coming from. It is amazing to me how God puts us in exactly the right situation at exactly the right time. This past fall, my husband and I made a heart-wrenching decision to leave our church. It was a church that we both loved and had helped us grow in our faith tremendously. We were married in that church and met some of our closest friends at that church. The worship team that I was a part of there was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. But as much as we loved it there, we also knew it wasn't the right place for us anymore. So with heavy hearts we said our goodbyes and ventured out into the world of what I call "church shopping."
It took awhile, but in January my husband and I finally felt like we had found our new church home. I can't quite explain it, but at some point my husband and I just looked at each other and said, "we belong here." This church has challenged our faith in so many ways in the short time we've been there, and every single sermon has spoken to us in a unique way. Through this season of our lives, we have been led through some tough questions, challenges, and revelations given to us by God through the pastors on Sunday mornings. My husband and I have worked through a lot over the past few months. There is no doubt in our mind that God brought us to this particular church, at this particular time in our lives, to listen to these particular people speak, to work through these particular obstacles that we are facing.
About a month ago I experienced one of the most powerful services I can remember in my lifetime. I've certainly had my share of grief over the past two years. I knew the topic of the sermon going in, and expected I might shed a few tears...but I was in no way prepared for what happened to me in that hour.
Our pastor spoke about grief, and how we deal with grief when we've experienced loss and "hit the wall" of faith so to speak. How sometimes we have to sit at that wall for awhile before we can push through it, and then how we push through it to experience God on a whole new level. I've been sitting at this wall for quite awhile, afraid of what might happen if I push through. I've pushed through walls of faith before, I've been through times of darkness. But this time has been so different for so many reasons. I've been afraid to walk through that wall. I'm still afraid, but as an act of obedience to God I have started to push through this wall. It's not easy, but it is making me grow as a person.
During the service, our pastor had us reflect on our losses. There was a little survey in the bulletin where we were to write (fill in the blank style) about our losses. What our loss was. How we felt when we experienced that loss. Those were easy to fill out. When I lost my babies, I was angry, hurt, sad, confused, questioning "why," betrayed...basically every negative emotion a human can feel. Writing these things down brought all the emotions back to the forefront of my mind. Tears began to fall. Our pastor spoke a little more, telling the story of when he lost his father and helping us work through the emotions we were all feeling. How we had to let go of our losses and give the to God in order to be able to move on. It doesn't mean we don't love the people we lost. It doesn't mean we never think about them. It doesn't even mean we're ever done saying goodbye. I don't think there was a dry eye in the room.
And then came the hard part. Letting go. I remember this moment clear as day. The sentence read "Now, I am letting go. I am saying goodbye to ." As the tears started streaming down my cheeks, I knew I had to write it. But I didn't WANT to write it. My hands trembled. I felt my husband put his arm around me. We hadn't spoken one word since the service started, but we both knew what the other was thinking. In that moment, I let God's spirit take over me and I felt him say to me, "you have to write this. I know you don't want to, but you have to. It's ok, I've got you." My pen hovered over that blank line for what felt like an eternity. Finally, as the music began to play, and as an act of obedience to God, I wrote it: "my babies."
I don't remember much of the next few minutes. I know there was music, and I know I couldn't sing because every time I tried more tears came. I know I felt the spirit of God surrounding me like I hadn't felt in a long time. There were hundreds of people in the room, but at that very moment it felt like it was just me, my husband, and God. I pictured my babies being scooped up into God's loving arms. I said a silent prayer, telling God that I trusted Him to take care of them until I came home to meet them. Even now as I write this, tears are streaming down my cheeks once again.
I know I was supposed to be in that very place on that Sunday morning. God had work to do with me and my husband that day. My husband and I came home that afternoon and we wrote a note to our angel babies. We told them that we love them, and that we look forward to meeting them in heaven. We told them that they have people in heaven that love them, and people here on Earth that love them. And we told them that God will take care of them while we are still here on Earth. We signed it "Mommy & Daddy" and sealed it in an envelope.
I received a Chinese lantern at a conference in January. I was never sure how I was going to use it until that morning. My husband and I have decided that, as a symbol of releasing our angel babies to God in heaven, we are going to release this Chinese lantern with the note we wrote to our babies. Because of our schedules and this crazy weather we've been having, we haven't yet found a night that we have been able to do it. But we will. It is something that will help us in the healing process, since we never got to have funerals for our babies. There was never anything we did that symbolized them going to heaven so that we could say goodbye and have closure. Now we have that.
I've realized through all this that I haven't been able to move on and heal because I haven't been able to close the door to the past. I love the babies we lost, but dwelling on the losses will not help me heal. I have come full-circle on one of the most difficult years of my life...two miscarriages and losing my cousin. It was rough. I've finally been able to let go and say goodbye. Does it mean I'll never grieve again? No. Grief can last a lifetime. There will always be reminders around us of those we lost. There will be times we wish we could share moments with them. We will always miss them. But to be able to move on is important. To say goodbye is important. I said goodbye to my babies as an act of obedience...it wasn't because I wanted to. But God knew I needed to, and God always knows better than I do!
I'm in a better place of healing now. I'm listening to God better now. I am pushing through the wall of faith that I've been sitting at for so long, afraid of what's on the other side. And you know what? I'm liking what's on the other side. I'm not quite there yet, but I am seeing glimpses of what is coming...and it is wonderful. God will provide, and if you only just take the time to listen to Him, He will guide you through. Rarely is it ever easy, but always it is worth it.
"Come near to God and he will come near to you." -James 4:8
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