The Ugly Things People Say

My apologies (once again) for the lack of recent blog posts. Someday I'll learn to be more consistent (or not. It's me we're talking about here).

I've hopped on the blog today because I need to address something. Something I've lost sleep over. Something that turns my stomach to the point I can't stand it. Something that my brain just cannot understand.

Do you know why so many women stay silent about infertility? Aside from the shame of not being able to reproduce, and the stigma surrounding infertility and loss, it really boils down to this:

Because of what people say.

Because of the backlash of horrific comments people make.

Because for whatever reason, when someone is having trouble conceiving, people seem to think that our desire to have children is selfish and unwarranted.

Because people think we should just accept it and not seek help.

Because people are heartless, cruel, and lack compassion for those going through a horrific experience.

I read an excellent article yesterday about why fertility treatments should be covered by insurance (you can read it here). Some (not many) insurances will cover parts of treatment. A rare few will even fully cover them. Most though, will not cover anything. Instead couples are left to scrounge every penny, take out loans and credit cards, and rack up tremendous debt all in the hopes of having what everyone else got for free: a family. The average cost of one cycle of artificial insemination (IUI) is over $1,000. For ONE MONTH. We did two of those. The average cost of in-vitro fertilization (IVF) is over $10,000. EACH. And there are no guarantees. A couple can easily spend upwards of $50,000 and have nothing to show for it. But it is human nature to want to try. A couple who goes through fertility treatments has a very strong desire for children, and would do anything in their power to have a child.

I should really learn not to read comments on articles related to infertility, or any article for that matter. It's bad for my mental health. This society has become a bunch of anonymous jerks hiding behind a computer screen typing out insults to strangers. It's disgusting and it makes me fear for the future of our world. Here are some of the responses to that article that almost made me vomit:

The world is overpopulated and we shouldn't be helping people have kids and causing more population problems.

If you can't naturally conceive and don't want to adopt, you're not fit to be a parent.

Infertility is not a disease and has no effect on a person's health.

If you're infertile, you should just accept it and move on. Not everyone should be able to have kids.

Having insurance coverage for fertility treatments is comparable to covering plastic surgery. It's elective.

I don't want my money going toward people having more kids that are just gonna mess things up.

Infertility treatments cause babies to be born that shouldn't be born and they have multiple health issues because they were conceived through IVF.

And my favorite:
People who go through infertility treatments are mostly wealthy people who have the money anyway.

*sigh*

I am not making these up. I paraphrased, but you can read them for yourself below the article. Disgusting. Repulsive. Bordering on inhuman. None of these comments have any basis in fact either.

I couldn't sleep last night because I just couldn't get my brain to understand how horrible people can be. How cruel and unforgiving this world is. As I was thinking about it again this afternoon (because I haven't been able to let it go) I realized that part of the reason people are so heartless about infertility is because they are so uneducated about it. Most people have no idea how horrible it is to go through, what it all involves, the physical and emotional pain, the yearning for something that is so natural yet so difficult to attain. Perhaps if people were more educated about infertility they wouldn't be so quick to judge and would show more compassion. Perhaps this is why I am so open about it, because I hate seeing people be so cruel to those who are already in so much pain.

I also realized something else.

This world needs Jesus.

More than ever, more people than ever, need Jesus to enter their lives. More people need to know a loving, forgiving, gracious savior. More people need to pour over God's word and look to Him for guidance. More people need to strive to live a more Christ-like life, in a more loving, compassionate manner. Less judgement. Less criticism. More love.

I don't know when exactly we became this world with so much awfulness. There has always been evil in the world, and it will always be here until Jesus returns. But I feel like the way we interact with each other has changed dramatically over my 35 years here on Earth. People used to be more kind, more helpful, less concerned with their own selfishness and more concerned with others' well-being. When did we stop listening to one another? Why must we argue so much and judge people for their believes and decisions? It saddens me that respect no longer seems to be important.

I don't know how to change this...I don't know if it CAN be changed. But what I do know how to do is be as loving, compassionate, and respectful of a person as I can. I know how to model in my own actions how I would want to be treated by others. I know how to put others first, I know how to listen.  And that, well, that's at least a start.

And I know how to pray, and to talk to Jesus about my problems and desires. I know how to pour over God's word and see the truth when the enemy tries to get me to believe lies. I know our God is a loving God and He will not fail me! I am not perfect by any means. Somedays I can be a horrible person too! But thank you Jesus that I don't have to be.

And thank you Jesus that, on those days when I am feeling attacked by horrible words said by people who clearly don't know You, that I can come to you. You will comfort me and hold me, and lay peace on my troubled heart. You will wash away the tears the enemy has brought on me, and remind me that You are the Way, the Truth, and the Life.

Soak in His presence.

When the world troubles you, find peace in the One who made you.

And perhaps even pray for those that don't know Him. Because everyone needs more Jesus. Everyone.

40 Days Without Facebook

Well friends, I did it. I survived 40 days without Facebook. 40 days without scrolling endlessly through my newsfeed, without likes and pictures of cats and gourmet dinners and selfies and strangers getting into virtual arguments. And you know what? It wasn't all that bad. In fact, I found it quite refreshing. To tell you the truth, I wish it would've been longer. On Saturday evening I was actually a bit bummed that I was getting back on Facebook the next day. For a bit I actually considered not reactivating my account. But alas, I did and I'm back.

So why the Facebook fast? Well, leading up to Lent this year I really prayed about what to give up for the 40 days of Lent. Most years I give something up, but it's trivial like chocolate or something. One year I gave up swearing (that one didn't last long! Haha!). But as my faith has grown this past year and my relationship with God continues to change, I really wanted to make this Lenten season sacrificial. I wanted to give up something I rely on, something that would truly be a struggle and would change how I live my every day life. It wasn't until a few days before Lent that the idea to give up Facebook came to me from someone else who attends our church. At first I thought it was impossible. How will I communicate with people that I only talk to through Facebook? What about my business? I do use Facebook quite extensively for business. I also admin a couple groups. What would happen to those? But God kept saying to me, "give it up." And so I obeyed. And I'm glad I did.

I wish I could tell you that during my Facebook-free time I became a completely different person who lost a ton of weight, invented a miracle cure, became a millionaire, found the solution to world peace and discovered the meaning of life...but a las life without Facebook did not solve any world problems. It didn't solve any problems really. But I did learn a few things I'd like to share:

1. I can find plenty of ways to waste time.

At first it was Pinterest. I think I pinned more things in the first week than I have the entire time I've been on Pinterest. Oh the things I was going to do! Yeah, none of those happened. Pinterest became my new newsfeed. I also crocheted a bunch of stuff and signed up for Etsy with the intention of selling crocheted baby hats (I still haven't opened the shop). I also did quite a number working through my Netflix queue. I spent a lot of time planning what I was going to do...but not a lot of time doing it. I don't really think I accomplished any more without Facebook than I did with it.

2. People will freak out that you're not on Facebook

Seriously. It was almost comical the way people reacted. I actually got phone calls and/or text messages from friends asking me why I de-friended and blocked them on Facebook. Really?!? First, I don't play the passive-aggressive game of de-friending and blocking. I talk to people directly if/when I have an issue with them. Second, I did post a status update saying I was deactivating my account until Easter and if you wanted to keep in touch with me, message me for my email/phone #. I got exactly ZERO responses from that post. You would think that if people really wanted to talk to me that don't already have my info, they would've responded. Perhaps people didn't see it, I don't know. But either way, it just goes to show you how differently we communicate these days. When I posted my first status on Easter Sunday, there was a plethora of "I missed you" type comments. I just shook my head. If you really missed me all that much, I have a phone and email. Use it. It all felt so superficial (minus a few folks who just missed my sarcastic updates and I actually talked to during Lent).

3. You will miss some stuff...but most of it is worth missing

Some of the stuff I missed was superficial, like the blue & black/gold & white dress (for the record, I saw blue & black). You won't get some of the jokes on TV because you haven't seen what's gone viral that week (or that day). Oh well. Tomorrow the social media world will be onto something else anyway. Some of it was more serious, like my cousin being in the hospital. Thankfully I have a great family who kept me informed and *gasp* I actually talked to my cousin directly to tell her I was praying for her. You know what I didn't miss? All the negativity. The rants. The hatred for people who don't have the same beliefs as you. The shaming and the defamation. The calling perfect strangers horrible names. And all the other trash that is out there in Facebook land. Nope, I didn't miss all that crap one bit!

4. Facebook is an invaluable business tool

When I decided to give up Facebook I considered just keeping my business maintained, but then decided this had to be an all or nothing thing. I have a business Facebook page and a private group for my preferred customers, and both went away during Lent. I wish now I would've kept them. Normally I would not admit this, but my business took a hit while I was away from Facebook. I never realized how much Facebook really has done for my business. Many of my customers communicate with me via Facebook, and I have obtained probably about a third of my regular customers through Facebook in some way. I did run a couple promotions through email with my customers during Lent, but did not get the response that I can get on Facebook. In business, you communicate with your customers in the way that they respond best. I've learned that my customers respond best through Facebook. Who would've thought? A valuable lesson learned that will help my business grow in the future.

5. Without an audience, my life is boring

No really, I am not an exciting person. At all. We all make our lives seem better than they really are with witty status updates and comments. But in reality, none of us have lives that are THAT cool. Most of us are just living our everyday lives and watching everyone's highlight reels unfold on social media. Don't compare yourself to others' Facebook highlight reels. You most likely don't know what is going on the rest of the time. That said...

6. Facebook can mask what is really going on in your life

What I wasn't prepared for during my Facebook fast was the onslaught of emotional turmoil that surfaced. I am (or was) admittedly a Facebook junkie. I spent a TON of time scrolling through newsfeed, Facebook stalking people, commenting on stuff, etc. I was spending so much time with my nose in other people's lives that I wasn't paying attention to my own needs. When the drug of Facebook was removed, my own life hit me. Hard. I realized that I have some things that I really need to work though...some of which will probably take professional help. It took me having the time to sit alone with myself in silence to realize that some of my issues are deep. And it's ok, I have no shame in admitting I need help to work through those issues. But I may not have realized I needed that help when I was paying more attention to others than I was to myself.

7. Facebook is a fantastic communication tool

Sometimes it's just easier to post something on Facebook when you have a question, or to send a group message to discuss something. And the Facebook event tool is awesome. Facebook has made it a lot easier to communicate with a lot of people in a short amount of time. I am glad for it. I've reconnected with people from my past on Facebook. Just last year I reconnected with my childhood best friend who I hadn't spoken to in over 20 years. If it weren't for Facebook, I wouldn't have reconnected to the trumpet player/football stud/geek guy from high school and married him. :-) I think personal communication is and always will be important, but Facebook can be a vehicle for both personal and mass communication.

8. We talk a lot about what is posted on Facebook

I noticed so many of my conversations with people were centered around something that was posted on Facebook (and that I of course had no idea what they were talking about!). So many conversations started with "did you see that...on Facebook?" It has become a part of our every day conversation. I don't think that is necessarily bad, but it's annoying sometimes when people just automatically assume that you sit all day and scroll through your newsfeed for conversation starters. 

9. You can find both great support and great criticism on Facebook

Our society today is very quick to judge others. Facebook just makes it easier because you can hide behind a screen and type words that you aren't actually speaking. It is unnerving to see how critical people are of others who have never walked in your shoes. I should know, I've experienced it first-hand. On the other hand though, you can also find people who will support you and walk with you. Through Facebook, I reconnected with an old friend a couple years ago who was also walking the infertility road. We've become close friends and still talk on a regular basis. I am in a couple infertility groups on Facebook where I can "talk" freely about my journey among people who truly understand and are walking similar roads. I would not have gotten through some of my struggles without these people, and I am forever grateful for them.

10. Like everything else in life, it's all about balance

Facebook, like most things, has its pros and cons. I think it can be a very addictive thing. I was addicted before I gave it up for Lent, and I think going without it for 40 days was a great way to break that addiction. I definitely plan to keep using Facebook regularly, but I no longer have no qualms about hiding posts and/or people that are offensive or hurtful to me (or honestly just plain annoying). I plan to be more intentional about what I post and more intentional about contacting the people I want to talk to directly. Facebook is great, but it's not the be all end all that some people make it out to be. Take a break from it. Go outside. Read a book. Call someone. Down time is important. Face to face time with people is important. Building relationships is important. The time you spend scrolling through your newsfeed is not time you're going to get back. If you have your eyes constantly on a screen you might miss what's going on around you. Life is better than that. You are worth more than that. So spend less time scrolling the screen and more time scrolling the life happening around you. :-)

Aruba

I don't know about you, but where I live it's been pretty darn cold. We've had near record-breaking low temperatures, snow, freezing rain, high winds, and just all-around winter ugliness. I love winter, but right now I'm ready for some warm air and green grass! So, I figured this is as good a time as any to tell you about our recent trip to a tropical island. Let's take a trip down memory lane to paradise. :-)

Sometime last year (spring I think), my husband came home with news that his parents wanted to take us to Aruba...and they wanted to pay for it. I was shocked. Floored. I'm pretty sure I didn't speak for a few minutes (if you know me, you know that I am rarely at a loss for words!). My in-laws felt bad that the family vacation to the Outer Banks they had planned fell through, and thought we really deserved a vacation after all we'd been through over the past two years. I didn't know how to react, and my first instinct was to say no. We couldn't possibly take a trip out of the country, could we? Who are we to deserve this? What will people think? (That's always a question, isn't it?)

We almost said no to the trip of a lifetime.

I know, you're thinking we were crazy for even thinking of turning it down, right? Well, when you're in our position, it's not so crazy. You see, when you're battling infertility you live in constant limbo. Every decision comes with a set of "what ifs?" and planning long-term is difficult. What if we're in the middle of a treatment cycle? What if I'm pregnant? What if I'm high-risk? What will the doctors say? What if we decide to adopt and we're waiting for "the call?" So many questions that are impossible to answer. After about a week or so of praying and considering these questions, I finally said to my husband, "are we crazy? Who turns down a free trip to a tropical paradise?? We need to go." So we said yes, purchased the trip insurance "just in case," and started to look forward to a week in tropical paradise.

In between saying yes to Aruba and actually going on the trip, a lot happened. We made decisions regarding trying for a baby and began trying again on our own with the help of natural remedies, and we bought a house (a whole other story in itself). I carried an immense feeling of guilt about taking this trip. It was difficult for me to get excited about it, and I couldn't figure out why. And then someone said the most awful thing to me:

At least you can still go on trips like this because you don't have kids.

And I lost it. Just when I had been beginning to accept that we were going on this trip, I completely broke down. Didn't people understand that I didn't care about Aruba as much as I cared about having kids?? How could someone be so cruel to tell me a vacation is better than having a family? I would trade a free trip to anywhere for children! And then it hit me, the reason I was having trouble getting excited about this trip wasn't because I didn't want to go...it was because I didn't want to be able to go. I wanted to be at home with my babies. I didn't want to be able to have the opportunity to take exotic vacations, because I'd rather spend my time at home with my kids. I'd rather my in-laws be giving us money to spoil their grandkids than to pay for a vacation. I begged my husband to cancel the trip. I told him he could go if he wanted but I was staying home. I was a hot mess. But in the end, my husband convinced me that we needed this trip. That it would be good for us. I was reluctant, but I said ok and off to paradise we went.

It was the best decision we've made in a long time.

Oh, did I mention we moved into our new house less than two weeks before we left for Aruba? Yeah, we don't do things easy around here. Haha.

Once we got to Aruba and were able to relax (and had a few cocktails in us) ;), I realized just how much weight I had been carrying. I was more stressed than I realized. For one week, I forgot about all our troubles. The resort we stayed at had very few kids, so we were away from the constant reminder of our empty arms. I had no connections to the outside world. No phone, no internet, I didn't even watch the news. It was so wonderful. Most days I sat on the beach all day, drink in hand, and read. I read 2 1/2 books during that week. I wrote. I took time to see sights in one of the most beautiful places on earth. I snorkeled and took a jeep tour and sailed. My husband and I had several date nights, and were able to spend time together without worry. We were able to not worry about whether or not it was "time" to do the baby dance. It was truly an escape from reality. We just enjoyed ourselves and everything Aruba had to offer for a week. It was incredible.

In the end, I realized that we needed that trip to Aruba more than anything. It came at the perfect time, and while it certainly didn't solve all our problems, it at least allowed us to forget them for a while. It rekindled our marriage, and filled up our souls in a way that is difficult to describe. I came back from Aruba feeling refreshed and renewed (and desperately wanting to see sunshine again...it was 20 degrees when we got off the plane in the US!). Would I go back? Absolutely.

I still struggle with the act of generosity given to us from my husband's parents. Who are we to deserve such a large gift? Well, we're nobody really. But sometimes we are given things we don't deserve. Sometimes acts of generosity, no matter how big or small, are difficult for us to accept. But clearly someone saw in us the struggle and pain we've been facing, and knew we needed a break. They knew, even if we didn't, that a week in abundant sunshine would be good for us. And they were right. And really, in comparison to the huge act of generosity that God gave us through Jesus, a free vacation is a small thing to accept, isn't it? We are all worth more than we realize, even when we don't feel worthy.

And someday, when the time is right and we are able, we will pay it forward. 

Besides, where else in the world do you get to see sunsets like THIS?

When I'm 90

Well you know what they say, when it rains it pours. These past two weeks have been especially trying for me. A lot of stuff has been going on, and as it always seems to be the case everything happened all at once. I have been physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. Most days I've been home only to sleep, and most nights I've tossed and turned unable to turn off my brain. God doesn't give us any more than we can handle, but boy has He been pushing my limits these past two weeks!

My family is enduring some big changes, none of which are easy ones. We've moved one grandma to an assisted living facility, and said goodbye to my other grandma who we are laying to rest this weekend. I've played the middle man to doctors and family members while my parents were on the other side of the country. I've put hundreds of miles on my car driving back and forth to the hospital and homes and stores and everywhere else. My life was put on hold for a week while I cared for my grandma, and then helped her transition to her new assisted living home. And of course, where there are family emergencies there is family drama. Emotionally, I am spent.

But through all the miles, and the phone calls and texts, and the drama and the tears, God has shown me plenty of good. He has shown me so many things to be grateful for. I spent a lot of time with my grandma this past week, reminiscing about days gone by. We talked about my grandpa and how good of a man he was. His humor, and his wit, his love of family (especially his grandchildren), his days playing football, and his love of hunting. And while he's been gone for more than 10 years, I realized he lived a full life and left all of us with so many good memories. My grandma talks about him in such a way that it's hard to describe. Her face lights up talking about her memories of him. She tells anybody who will listen how good of a husband he was to her. And then her face lands on his picture, and she says, "you stinker! Why did you have to leave me?" Her face temporarily saddens, remembering how much she misses him, and then she'll remember another good memory and she's all smiles again.

Grandma will tell you the same story 100 times over, but I don't mind. I never get enough of hearing how she met grandpa, or that one time they went for ice cream, or how she almost dated his brother but fell in love with grandpa the minute she met him. How he was so popular with the ladies, but for whatever reason he chose her. She'll never know why, but she's glad he did. It's a love story for the ages. Their story was even on the front page of the local newspaper many years ago as a featured Valentine's Day story. What love they had! And as my grandpa's health declined from multiple strokes, grandma never left his side. Grandma has taught me so much about life and love.

Helping to move grandma to assisted living was unexpectedly one of the hardest things I've done. I didn't think it would be hard, I've known for awhile now that this day would come. But as I was helping my parents pack up her belongings, helping to decide what to take and what to leave behind, I could feel tears forming behind my eyes. I didn't dare let one shed at the time. I had to be strong. I had to show grandma that this was the right decision, that she was going to love her new home. Every time I picked something up, there was a memory attached to it. Sometimes it was something I gave her, sometimes it was something someone else gave her and it sparked a memory of that person. I remembered sleepovers with cousins in grandma's house, making crafts and baking cakes, polka dancing and sick days on her couch. Oh the memories! I can see why this move is so hard for her. 55 years of memories in that house. I've moved 11 times, and even some of the moves where I lived somewhere only a year were tough ones. I can't imagine leaving 55 years of memories.

Yes, it has been a tough couple of weeks. Yes, we have a large, stubborn, opinionated family (we're Polish, we can't help it!). But through it all, I realized that we have a GOOD family. We have more LOVE in our family than most people ever find. While we may fight, we are always there for each other. But isn't that sort of normal? Families don't aways get along. Gosh, I don't think I can remember a holiday gone by that somebody wasn't arguing with someone about something. But isn't that the case with everyone? Maybe we're not as weird as we think! Yes, we are a family like none other. But gosh darn it, we have it pretty good! I am sure that grandpa is watching over us and is proud of the family he left behind. He taught us well. And grandma, well, she taught us all how to love.

Earlier this week I found myself giving grandma her own advice. Whenever I am upset about something, grandma reminds me that no matter how bad I have it, there is always someone else, somewhere, that has it worse than you. And you know what? She is right! All things considered, I have it pretty good. I have a wonderful loving husband, a gorgeous house, two cuddly kitties, a career I love, wonderful friends, and very large, very loving family. I could go on and on. Life is pretty good, all things considered.

When I am 90, and I am sitting in a nursing home with my granddaughter reminiscing about the old days, I hope I have good stories to tell her. I hope I leave a house full of memories of children and grandchildren, stories filled with love and laughter and all around good times. I hope she doesn't mind hearing the story of how I met my husband 100 times a day, or how it was in "the good old days." Yes, when I am 90 I hope my life was just as full as my grandma's has been. Because it doesn't matter where you live, or what you have, or who your friends are. What matters is the memories you make and the love you share. And when I am 90, I hope I can look back and know that the memories were good and the love was abundant.

Someday...

I have been intentionally quiet on the blog for a while now. Partly because I needed a break, and partially because this fall was incredibly busy. We bought a house, took a vacation to Aruba, and had a calendar that was more full than usual. I've been doing some writing, and I have some things to share in the coming weeks. But first, a 2014 recap.

2014 was a year of change for me. Looking back at the past year, my husband and I are definitely in a much different place than we were this time last year. We are living in a new home - our home. We are finally not at the mercy of landlords and enjoying the wonders (and DIY projects) of homeownership. Early in 2014 we found a new church home. A place that has led us closer to Jesus, that has helped us work through some issues we didn't even know we had in the first place (crazy how God does that, right?!). We took our first trip out of the country, experiencing an act of generosity that I still can't quite wrap my head around (and will be the subject of at least one blog post in the near future). After much debate and prayer, I finally figured out what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life...at least for this particular season. Embarking on new business ventures and enjoying all it has to offer. And near the end of 2014, I made the decision to be baptized as an adult. It was a decision that I did not take lightly, but for me was a symbol of a new chapter in my life.

Yes, it has been a roller coaster, both physically and emotionally. I had many moments in 2014 when I felt like I could conquer anything and I was full of hope. I also had many moments when I felt defeated, drug through the mud and kicked down, unable to get up. I am forever grateful for the people that have been there to pick me up this past year when I couldn't get up myself. I am forever grateful for a loving God who has carried me when I couldn't walk myself. I'm not so sure I would be here if it weren't for those people and our loving Father.

Over the Holidays we were blessed to be able to see most of our family and friends, including all their little ones. I'll be honest - it was hard at times. Oh how I wanted to be chasing after a little one of my own, or excusing myself to go breastfeed my baby. I wanted to be able to join in the conversations of how tired I am or how my child is sleeping at night, telling stories of the messes my kids made and swapping child-rearing advice with the other moms. I wanted to have people fawning all over my baby and wanted to hold him or her, handing the baby back when he/she got fussy. I wanted to send out a Christmas card with our family. Our complete family - me, my husband, and our two kids.

The other day my husband and I were with a group of close friends, and I realized how much has changed in just a few short years. 5 years ago most of the people in this particular group were single, and only one couple had one child. This year, everyone was married and most of the couples have at least one child - some have 2 or 3. This year, I was in the minority. While everyone else was having conversations amidst tending to their children's needs, I was the childless one with no one to look after. Joining in on conversations has gotten more difficult. I can only offer so much to a conversation about kids. Yes I am a former teacher and an aunt, and I have plenty of stories to share about my nieces and nephews. But it's different. I don't know what it's like to be sleep deprived because my child won't sleep. I don't know what it's like to worry every single moment of the day about my child's safety. I don't know the guilt mothers carry that they're doing the right thing for their child. I want sleepless nights. I want guilt. I want to worry.

I was prepared for the onslaught of pregnancy announcements on Christmas day, and this year did not disappoint! I am truly happy for all of these people...and some year, maybe even next year, that happiness won't be accompanied by tears of sadness and jealousy, but rather tears of joy. Some year. Not this year. Each Christmas since 2011 I have thought, "well next year we're certain to have a baby by this time!" Four Christmases now that I've had those thoughts. The first one wasn't so bad, we had only been trying a few months. The next one hurt pretty bad, as we had experienced our first miscarriage only 3 months before. 2013 was even worse, after another loss and multiple failed fertility treatments. And this year, 2014, it was almost like a routine feeling. This year I found myself having more cautious thoughts. My thoughts this Christmas were hopeful but guarded. Maybe God will bless us with a baby this year, but maybe He won't. I continue to have faith. I continue to have hope. But I have to put my trust in God to give my husband and I exactly what we need. I don't know why we haven't been given children yet. I don't know why it is so easy for others and so hard for us. 

What I do know is this. I serve a loving God who has different plans for every person. I know that struggle leads to triumph, and if we listen closely we will hear God telling us exactly how to find victory. I know there is a reason why some people have children easily and others don't. I don't know what that reason is, and I don't pretend to understand it in the least. I know that my struggles have led to some good things, and to friendships I wouldn't have otherwise. I know that I am not alone. If you are struggling, neither are you. 

My resolution this year is simple. I want to be closer to God, and more in tune with His will for me. Whatever that is, however much sense His plan makes or doesn't make, I will do my best to listen and follow. Because it is only through Him that the impossible is made possible. Only through Him can my PCOS be healed. Only through Him can my husband and I be parents. I know without a doubt that it is God's will for us to have children. God revealed this to me in a dream many years ago. I will hold fast to His promise, and I will follow His guidance. Because when there is no hope, when all seems lost, when you think God has forgotten you...know that He hasn't. He will reveal himself in His perfect timing. And someday, maybe while we're here on Earth and maybe not until we meet God again in heaven, we will understand.