In His Hands

This song has been running on a continuous loop in my head for the past week or so:

Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm

Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn

In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands

All my life
All of me
Held in your hands

All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands

"Sovereign" by Chris Tomlin

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This song has been speaking to me for days. It's been a rough couple of weeks...I haven't been myself lately. God is asking me to do things I'm not sure I can do. He's asking me to do things that I have no idea HOW to do. There are obstacles, HUGE OBSTACLES, in my way and I have no idea how I'll overcome them. But then I listen to this song, and I remember - GOD ALREADY KNOWS!! He knows what your obstacles are. He knows how you will overcome them. He will prepare the way for you if you only let Him. How will these things He is asking me to do come to pass? I have absolutely NO IDEA. But if I just trust in the Lord, and truly put it in HIS hands, it will all be ok. Listening to this song reminds me that I am EXACTLY where I am supposed to be. God put me in this exact place, at this exact point in my life, because he knew I needed to be here to get there. He knew the people that needed to cross my path and the events that needed to occur. I am where I am supposed to be. As I listen to this song, I am reminded of these things:

Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
God is everywhere, from the highest mountain to the deepest valley. He is with you.
 
With me in the calm
With me in the storm
When the waters are still, He is with you. When life brings you a hurricane, He is with you. 

Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
He is with you when you experience joy, and He is with you when you are experiencing great sorrow. He is even with you when you've cried so much that you have no tears left.
 
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn
He will walk with you through your darkest times, and He will be there to greet you when the darkness lifts and the sun rises. Even when you can't see the light coming, He is walking along side you, guiding you through the dark and towards the light.

In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
He has designed your whole life. From the time you were born until the time you return back to Him, He has every detail worked out. Trust in Him. Wrap yourself in His arms and trust that He already knows what the final puzzle looks like.

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God will never stop loving you. He ALWAYS LOVES YOU. No matter what. Even when life is hard, in the long run it will work out for good. Trust that the trials He has put you through are for a reason and will make you stronger.

All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands

All my life
All of me
Held in your hands

All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands
Everything is in HIS hands. Everything. Release all your hopes, your fears, your dreams, your worries, your sorrows...all of it release into God's loving hands. Reach up and receive His blessings upon you. Feel Him take your hands and work in your life.

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You are a beautiful, blessed, and LOVED child of God.  Never, ever forget that. We all know that life isn't always easy. We all have trials, we all experience pain and loss. But God knows what we have been through...He knows what we will be going through. The more we say, "God, I give my life to you" and mean it, the more we will find peace in our lives. Hold onto the hope that God has bigger, better plans for your life. Trust in Him and remember, He already has it all figured out. Isn't that wonderful?

Click below to listen to "Sovereign"

Nobody Expects to be Here

It's amazing how some people think that we expect hard times to fall on us. That somewhere along the way, deep down we expect to hear those devastating words - you can't have kids. You have cancer. A loved one has died. Just because we learn to live with these life-changing words does not mean that we ever expected to be in this situation. I never in a million years would have pictured myself at age 34 without kids, struggling to come to terms with the fact that I can't have kids normally like everyone else, and starting to consider that I may never have kids. No, that wasn't exactly part of the dreams I had for my life. Get married, have babies, live happily ever after. Isn't that what normal people do? Why am I so abnormal? Why is it so easy for everyone else and so hard for me? Some people talk to me like this was always a part of the plan...like I expected trouble. Like I budgeted for the thousands of dollars it would take to possibly conceive a child. But the fact of the matter is, I didn't expect it. Nobody expects it.

A friend of mine recently found out that she'll never be able to have kids. She's not even at a point in her life where she's thinking about having kids yet. She just went in for a routine yearly exam and came out with the most devastating news a woman can get - you'll never be able to bear your own child. An old high school friend and I recently reconnected because she is now seeing a fertility specialist after years of trying. Every conversation we have has some element of "I didn't expect it to be like this."

Whatever your struggle, whatever your pain, you didn't expect it to happen to you. When we were kids, we dreamed of a life full of happiness. We get married, we have kids, maybe a dog (or cats in our case!), and we all live happily ever after like they do in Disney movies. But that's not how life really ends up, is it? Somewhere along the way a huge wrench will be thrown into your plan. Suddenly you're thrown into a world where everything is upside down, nothing is going right. Suddenly the things you once thought important don't seem to matter as much anymore because you have to focus on this new, painful, path that has been laid out in front of you. It is filled with thorns to prick you, rocks to trip over, and ditches to fall in. It gets muddy sometimes and you feel stuck. You feel like you can't move anywhere - or maybe it's that you can't decide whether it's better to get pricked or to fall again. You know there's a clear path somewhere in the distance, but you can't always see it. Even when you get a glimpse of it, you wonder if you'll ever get there.

I told my friend the other day that, while I hate the fact that people have to go through struggles, I'm glad that there are people I can talk to that are going through (or have gone through) the same (or similar) thing. It's a paradox of sorts I guess. I don't wish infertility on anyone...it is just one of the most awful things to endure. But if I have to go through it...if someone else has to go through it...I'm thankful that we have each other to lean on. Is it fair? No way. I wish I could be like those people who pop out babies without even trying. I should have two kids by now...one would have either just been born or about to be born, and the other should be coming up on their 1st birthday in April. But they're not here. They're in God's hands right now - and so are you. You see, while we're going through these difficult times in our lives we do have one person we can ALWAYS rely on. God may not stop bad things from happening to you, but He WILL walk beside you - or even carry you - when they happen.

Earlier this week I had a particularly difficult day. Just one of those days where nothing went right and negative people kept interfering in my life. As a musician, it is music that soothes my soul and what makes me feel closest to God. So I sat down at my piano, opened my notebook full of worship songs, and played. I don't know how long I sat there and played and sang, but it was a while. A peace started to come over me, and I felt God reaching down and touching my heart. In that moment, I knew He was there and things would be ok.

We don't expect struggle. We don't expect bad things to happen to us. But when they do, God is with you. We will get bruised and broken...but when we begin to heal, the bruises fade and the bones strengthen. Be gentle with those who are experiencing the unexpected struggles. Be the kind of person that reaches out, lets them know you'll hold their hand while they walk this rocky, prickly, muddy path, and helps them to put back together the pieces of their torn soul.

Let's Talk About Sex

Well hello readers! I have not been keeping up very well with this blog, and I apologize. I started the "Waiting for Grace" project to bring hope to those who are suffering, and I feel like I have let you down lately. I really have no excuse, and I am sorry. Please forgive me for my negligence, I will try to do better!

Now, to the topic for today. I had a couple conversations with someone recently about how our society is so reluctant to talk about infertility, miscarriage, and infant loss. I recently read an EXCELLENT article on the topic, which you can find here. We live in this age where people feel the need to share just about everything. Social media has made us an over-sharing society, where we are able to know every minute of everyone's lives. Never before has there been a generation that shares so much. The age of anonymity is gone. Of all my 300+ Facebook friends, I could probably tell you almost every single one of their political affiliations, religions, where they live, what vacations they've been on, who's married or single (and who they're dating), their occupation (and what their company is currently promoting), and so on and so forth. And hey, I'm no different! I love sharing what's going on in my life, and I love seeing what's going on in others' lives. I advertise my business with pride. I've connected with some pretty awesome people through Facebook...and in case you didn't know the story, Facebook is the vehicle through which my husband and I reconnected over 4 years ago. The reason this very blog was started was because of people I've connected with through Facebook! I'm not knocking it at all - I'm just as addicted as the rest of you. BUT, with all this over-sharing, we still can't talk about the hard stuff.

I know people (myself included) who have shared struggles on Facebook that have been criticized for it. And not just criticized, downright ridiculed and *gasp* DE-FRIENDED!! I'm sorry, REALLY?!? We have created this culture that doesn't even require TALKING TO PEOPLE. You don't agree with someone? De-friend them! Heaven forbid you actually TALK to someone about what's bothering you. No, that would mean actually HAVING A CONVERSATION, and it might even require some COMPRISE or COMPASSION. OH THE HORROR!!! /End mini-rant.

Ok, back to my point. Even if Facebook weren't around, even if we weren't living in this over-sharing society, infertility/miscarriage/infant loss still would be a taboo subject. I imagine it has been that way for centuries. And I think it's time for that to change. We don't even like to talk about how babies are made. Ok yeah, we all know boy and girl have sex and 9 months later a baby comes. But in all honesty, until my husband and I started trying to make a baby, we didn't know just how complicated it really was. When we started to think about trying, we both just thought "Yeah! We'll just have lots and lots of sex and eventually Ade will get pregnant!" (my husband was very excited about the lots and lots of sex!) Then someone recommended a book to me called "Taking Charge of Your Fertility." Whoa. As I read through this book, I was shocked. SHOCKED I tell you! I had no idea that there were only a couple days a month you could actually get pregnant, and all the stuff about ovulation and what to look for and taking temperatures and...wow. Talk about overwhelming! Even through all the high school sex-ed classes and the "birds and the bees" talks, no one ever mentioned how to get pregnant. All the focus was on how NOT to get pregnant, which, when you're young and single is of the utmost importance. But where are the classes that teach you about what to do when you actually WANT to get pregnant? I've never seen one. We don't want to talk about that part. No, that would mean actually talking about sex and *gasp* encouraging that married people actually have sex! Oh my non-virgin ears, please stop!

So even when you've figured out exactly what to do to get pregnant (and maybe someone was even kind enough to talk to you about it), and you've tried and tried and done everything right, sometimes it still doesn't work out. Then what? Typical OB/GYNs will tell you to keep trying, and that you're young and have time, yadda yadda yadda. Some will run some basic blood tests, and some will even test your husband. But if you aren't an advocate for your own reproductive health, it can be years before you get referred to a fertility doctor. And then, even if you have the best fertility doctors (which I very fortunately do), there is still a whole new world to navigate with very little (if any) help. You have no other choice but to trust what the doctor is telling you...but what if they're wrong? What if they don't have your best interest in mind? This happens, and it causes even more hurt, pain, and frustration to add to the already painful struggle with infertility. Where do fertility patients find help? Where do we find other alternatives when traditional treatments aren't working? Who do we talk to when we just need to cry? Most of our friends don't understand. Some will tell you they can't listen because it's too much for them. Others will try to listen but just repeat the same stuff you've heard everywhere else. It's ok. Your time will come. God has a plan. And then you're stuck in the loneliest of lonely places, thinking that there's no one else that could possibly understand your struggle. You feel ashamed that you can't get pregnant, even though millions of other women have. What's wrong with you??

Yes, it's extremely difficult to talk about these things. But don't you think it's also extremely difficult to experience them? Why should women be left to mourn their babies (or the thought of their babies) alone? Society puts a lid on infertility and loss, and makes women experiencing these things to feel shamed. Shame in the fact that I have trouble getting pregnant, and shame in the fact that both times I got pregnant I lost my babies in the first trimester. It shouldn't be this way. It's not our fault. If we were able to talk about these things, and if we were able to share with others our struggles, we might not feel so alone. There is no shame in infertility, and there is no shame in losing a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. The only shame is that society sweeps these conversations under the carpet and acts like it doesn't happen. We as women are told to move on and try again, and treat our losses as if they were just a small stumbling block on the road to motherhood. It makes me want to scream.

We as a society refuse to delve into the world of infertility and loss, because it's just too hard. Why do I talk about it? Because I know there are other women out there who are struggling, too. I know other women who, like me, still dream of holding their babies in their arms after many years of trying. I know other women who, like me, have lost babies before they even knew their gender or their bellies began to grow. I know women who have given birth to babies that never took a breath in this world. There are too many women in this world who never heard their babies cry.

No one LIKES talking about the innocent lives that should have been. But you know what? It's high time we started talking about it. It is painful. It is recognizing that sometimes even the most natural of things don't work the way they should...that not everyone gets to have the children they've dreamed of. That sometimes even in the most perfect of circumstances, bad things happen.

So I'm gonna talk until I have no voice left (if you know me, you know I'll be talking for a very long time! Haha). I'm gonna write until my fingers fall off. I am tearing off the lid of silence that has been sealed shut for way too long. I'm gonna tell the world that it is NOT OK to pretend infertility, miscarriage, and infant loss don't happen. I'm gonna tell the women who struggle with these things that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Do not be ashamed because the world tells you that's how you should feel. Many women are struggling along with you. And if by talking and writing and spreading this message of hope I have helped only one woman, it will have all been worth it.

No one should be left to suffer alone.

Getting Through the Holidays

I've always had a love-hate relationship with the Holiday season. Christmas is absolutely, by far my most favorite holiday of the year. I simply love the magic of Christmas, the lights, decorating the tree, baking cookies, shopping for gifts for my loved ones...all of it. LOVE. IT. I also hate the Holiday season. As a musician and music teacher it has always brought on tremendous stress. Getting ready for holiday concerts, packing in every last bit of instruction before winter break (and hoping they'll remember at least some of it in January), and the inevitable phone calls and emails from parents having wars on religions that they don't practice. Ugh! I don't have nearly the holiday stress anymore since I left teaching, and I can actually enjoy the holidays more than I have in many years. But, the Holidays also bring on memories. Some of them good memories, and some of them not so good.

I don't think it's any big secret that the Holidays can be depressing for some people. I also don't think it's any big secret that the suicide rate is higher around the Holidays. Why is that? We miss people more around the Holidays. This season is a daily reminder of those we lost, of ways our lives have changed since the year before (or perhaps many years before). My grandfather passed away 9 years ago, and there are still difficult moments around this time of year. This year, the Holiday season is bringing up a lot of difficult emotions for me. This is the second Christmas in a row that I had been planning to be pregnant. This year, I should be well into my 3rd trimester. I should be Christmas shopping for our baby arriving in early February! But, I'm not. Our first baby would have been 8 months old this Christmas. This would have been our first Christmas as parents. The first year we got to send OUR family photo card with OUR baby. The first Christmas we got to see our little son or daughter's eyes light up with delight on Christmas morning (even if he or she didn't understand it quite yet). The first year we got to take him or her to Hersheypark's Christmas Candylane, and sit on Santa's lap, and...well, you get the picture.

It is bittersweet really. I adore the magic of Christmas. I'm having the greatest time shopping for my niece and nephews this year...maybe a little too good of a time. I bought more for them then I usually do this year. Perhaps it's because, well, if I can't spoil my own child I might as well spoil someone else's. But even that has it's tough moments. I was in Old Navy the other day buying presents for my niece and nephews, and back in the baby section I almost lost it. I saw the most adorable clothes that I wanted to buy for my own children. I quickly composed myself to so I could finish my shopping and not look like a total idiot bawling in the middle of a store.

I happened to pass by a Hallmark keepsake ornament the other day that said "the ones we love never really leave us." I teared up when I saw it...because I believe it to be true. I know I'll get to meet my angel babies some day. I know my cousin Nikki is looking down on us. I know because she visits me in my dreams sometimes. I know all these people we have lost are in a better place, and out of pain and not having to deal with the crappy world we live in. But it still hurts. I still want them here. ALL of them. My angel babies, my cousin, my grandfather...everyone I've ever lost. It is difficult to let go and want at the same time.

So how do we cope with all this grief around the Holidays? Well, I don't know if I really have the answer to that. There are moments where it's ok to cry, and to remember. But I also think it's important to focus on the good things in our lives, and the people that we DO have with us. For example, I am not looking forward to Christmas night. Tradition in our family is to get together on Christmas night with my cousins who are local (and anyone else close to our family or who may be visiting) and play games. I'm not sure how many years we've been doing this, but it's been for a long time...like easily more than a decade. My cousin Nikki always organized a "Yankee Swap" game (a sort of white elephant gift exchange). She really got into it, too! She would send out an email every year with the rules (which were always different), and Nikki always came up with the funniest gifts. It was her thing. I asked her sister if we are still going to do Christmas game night this year. She said yes, it will be difficult but we are doing it because Nikki would want us to. It is traditions like family game night that bring me both joy and sorrow. Joy because I will be with family and people I love, sorrow because one of us will never join us for game night again. But we push through, and we try to make some normalcy of the situation. I am sure there will be tears shed on Christmas night. It is inevitable. But we will all be surrounded by people we love, and that is what will help us get through it.

Remember your friends who are grieving and/or struggling this Holiday season. Whether it be someone they lost, or someone struggling with infertility, or someone who can't get home to see their family, or some other reason. Maybe they lost a job, maybe times are really tough and/or money is tight. Whatever the reason, be compassionate. Do something special for them...or better yet, with them! It doesn't have to cost a lot of money. One of my closet friend's family lives 8 hours away and she can't always get home to see them on Holidays. I always extend an offer for her to have dinner with my family. A visit, a phone call, a card...keep in touch with your grieving and struggling friends. I discussed in my last post the power of a simple phone call. Just keeping in touch and letting them know you care says more than any material gift can ever say. If you don't have any grieving and/or struggling friends, consider adopting a family. Bless someone who has less than you. My cousin Nikki always kept several change jars throughout the year, and then right around Christmas would deliver the jar anonymously to someone's house that they knew were in need. Find simple ways to bless people, and find pleasure in the simple joys of Christmas.

Also remember Christmas is a celebration of the One who came to save us. God came down to Earth in the form of Jesus, to experience life as a human and to die for our sins. God knows human pain because He has experienced human pain. He knows the sorrow of losing a child because he lost his only son. Jesus gave his life so that we don't have to be perfect. How amazing is that?! At Christmas, we celebrate how it all started. Mary and Joseph paid many a sacrifice to bring Jesus into our world. Bask in the glory and the peace and the love of God and his Son. Know that our struggles will pass, and God has a plan that is bigger and better than ours. Know that those that are not longer with us are with Him, and they are doing just fine. We miss them, yes, we will always miss them. But as the ornament said, they will never really leave us.

Blessings,

Adrianne

When God Says, "Not Now."

I have not felt compelled to write in a while, which is weird for me. My head is usually spinning with ideas to write about, eager for my fingers to type it out and share. Such has not been the case lately. I finally felt the urge to write again about a week or so ago, but naturally with the craziness of the Holiday season this is the first time I've actually had time to sit down and write (late at night when I can't sleep. haha).

The past month or so has been difficult. Until recently, I was in a low place and keeping mostly to myself. I was beginning to lose all hope that I'd ever be a mother. I've regained some of that hope, with a heavy dose of skepticism attached. We went through another insemination (IUI) cycle that failed, and that sent me into a pretty deep depression for about a week. We had another consult with our fertility doctor to discuss where to go from here, and during that consult was given a new sense of hope that this fight is not over yet. God hasn't told us NO yet. So we press on and pray for His guidance.

What God HAS told us is that it's time to take a break from all this insanity. During our last treatment cycle, I kept getting this nagging feeling that if I didn't get pregnant this time we needed to take a break for a cycle. Not-so-coincidentally, we were forced to take a break as our doctor wanted to meet with us and regroup and discuss our options. It was the best thing that could've happened to me. I simply needed time to be "normal" again. To not have to live by the calendar, to not rearrange my schedule for doctor's visits, to not have my one good vein abused several times a week and not have someone looking up my skirt at my ovaries again. The physical exhaustion is just as bad as the emotional exhaustion. And I am exhausted. WE are exhausted. It's a monthly reminder that we're not parents yet, and this month with Christmas fast approaching there's enough other stuff to give us that reminder. I don't need needles and ultrasound wands and medications to remind me right now, too.

It's very freeing not having a care in the world about when your next doctor's visit will be, or when your husband will have to take the morning off work again because it's "go time." I don't know how long this break will last. It might be just one month, it might be more. But what I do know is God has been telling us to rest and to focus on our own health. Both my husband and I have seen our bodies change over the past year (mine more than his). It has not been a good year for us emotionally, and that shows in our appearance. We recently made a commitment to each other to start eating better and going back to the gym regularly (a place neither of us have seen in quite some time). And I don't have to worry about exercising too hard because it's around ovulation time, or taking meds that cause me to gain weigh, or not eating or drinking something because there may or may not be a baby inside me. AHHHH! It's just all too much sometimes! 

I think just about every couple who has gone through fertility treatments has taken a break at some point. And that's ok. We need it. We are no good to ourselves when we press on under tremendous emotional and physical stress. Sometimes it's ok, as bad as you may want something, to say "not now." I have no doubt that Sean and I will be parents eventually, whenever and however God chooses for that to happen for us. I didn't have that dream years ago for no reason. God didn't place it on my heart the desire to be a mother for nothing. He is in control, and He will decide when and how the time is right. It's not easy to remember that all the time. Heck, sometimes it's downright impossible. I admit I have plenty of screaming matches with God over my struggle to become a mother. That's OK too. God still loves all of us. We don't stop loving those we care about just because they get mad at us, do we? Neither does God. I have to remind myself of this frequently.

And I admit I have not been listening to God much lately. Rather, I've been yelling at him, asking him "WHY?" and trying to come up with my own solutions. A couple weeks ago I told Sean that's it, we're adopting and sent for info from several agencies. Now I'm not so sure about that...not yet, anyway. I started listening this week, and a sense of calm finally came over me. God is in control. "Relax, Ade," He says, "I've got this all taken care of." You see, God already knows the outcome of this struggle. He knows the outcome of all of your struggles, too. Isn't that wonderful? Sometimes I think, when you're about to go through a trial in your life, God is up there in heaven saying "this is going to hurt, I know. It will hurt me seeing you go through it more than it will hurt you. But I promise it is for a reason and it will all be worth it in the end, you'll see."

God loves you, and He has a plan for you. The more you soak yourself in His presence and submit to His plan for your life, the more at peace you will be. I know it isn't always easy, believe me, I know! But it is worth every small glimpse of peace you may get, even if only for a second.

Blessings,

Adrianne