Someday...

I have been intentionally quiet on the blog for a while now. Partly because I needed a break, and partially because this fall was incredibly busy. We bought a house, took a vacation to Aruba, and had a calendar that was more full than usual. I've been doing some writing, and I have some things to share in the coming weeks. But first, a 2014 recap.

2014 was a year of change for me. Looking back at the past year, my husband and I are definitely in a much different place than we were this time last year. We are living in a new home - our home. We are finally not at the mercy of landlords and enjoying the wonders (and DIY projects) of homeownership. Early in 2014 we found a new church home. A place that has led us closer to Jesus, that has helped us work through some issues we didn't even know we had in the first place (crazy how God does that, right?!). We took our first trip out of the country, experiencing an act of generosity that I still can't quite wrap my head around (and will be the subject of at least one blog post in the near future). After much debate and prayer, I finally figured out what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life...at least for this particular season. Embarking on new business ventures and enjoying all it has to offer. And near the end of 2014, I made the decision to be baptized as an adult. It was a decision that I did not take lightly, but for me was a symbol of a new chapter in my life.

Yes, it has been a roller coaster, both physically and emotionally. I had many moments in 2014 when I felt like I could conquer anything and I was full of hope. I also had many moments when I felt defeated, drug through the mud and kicked down, unable to get up. I am forever grateful for the people that have been there to pick me up this past year when I couldn't get up myself. I am forever grateful for a loving God who has carried me when I couldn't walk myself. I'm not so sure I would be here if it weren't for those people and our loving Father.

Over the Holidays we were blessed to be able to see most of our family and friends, including all their little ones. I'll be honest - it was hard at times. Oh how I wanted to be chasing after a little one of my own, or excusing myself to go breastfeed my baby. I wanted to be able to join in the conversations of how tired I am or how my child is sleeping at night, telling stories of the messes my kids made and swapping child-rearing advice with the other moms. I wanted to have people fawning all over my baby and wanted to hold him or her, handing the baby back when he/she got fussy. I wanted to send out a Christmas card with our family. Our complete family - me, my husband, and our two kids.

The other day my husband and I were with a group of close friends, and I realized how much has changed in just a few short years. 5 years ago most of the people in this particular group were single, and only one couple had one child. This year, everyone was married and most of the couples have at least one child - some have 2 or 3. This year, I was in the minority. While everyone else was having conversations amidst tending to their children's needs, I was the childless one with no one to look after. Joining in on conversations has gotten more difficult. I can only offer so much to a conversation about kids. Yes I am a former teacher and an aunt, and I have plenty of stories to share about my nieces and nephews. But it's different. I don't know what it's like to be sleep deprived because my child won't sleep. I don't know what it's like to worry every single moment of the day about my child's safety. I don't know the guilt mothers carry that they're doing the right thing for their child. I want sleepless nights. I want guilt. I want to worry.

I was prepared for the onslaught of pregnancy announcements on Christmas day, and this year did not disappoint! I am truly happy for all of these people...and some year, maybe even next year, that happiness won't be accompanied by tears of sadness and jealousy, but rather tears of joy. Some year. Not this year. Each Christmas since 2011 I have thought, "well next year we're certain to have a baby by this time!" Four Christmases now that I've had those thoughts. The first one wasn't so bad, we had only been trying a few months. The next one hurt pretty bad, as we had experienced our first miscarriage only 3 months before. 2013 was even worse, after another loss and multiple failed fertility treatments. And this year, 2014, it was almost like a routine feeling. This year I found myself having more cautious thoughts. My thoughts this Christmas were hopeful but guarded. Maybe God will bless us with a baby this year, but maybe He won't. I continue to have faith. I continue to have hope. But I have to put my trust in God to give my husband and I exactly what we need. I don't know why we haven't been given children yet. I don't know why it is so easy for others and so hard for us. 

What I do know is this. I serve a loving God who has different plans for every person. I know that struggle leads to triumph, and if we listen closely we will hear God telling us exactly how to find victory. I know there is a reason why some people have children easily and others don't. I don't know what that reason is, and I don't pretend to understand it in the least. I know that my struggles have led to some good things, and to friendships I wouldn't have otherwise. I know that I am not alone. If you are struggling, neither are you. 

My resolution this year is simple. I want to be closer to God, and more in tune with His will for me. Whatever that is, however much sense His plan makes or doesn't make, I will do my best to listen and follow. Because it is only through Him that the impossible is made possible. Only through Him can my PCOS be healed. Only through Him can my husband and I be parents. I know without a doubt that it is God's will for us to have children. God revealed this to me in a dream many years ago. I will hold fast to His promise, and I will follow His guidance. Because when there is no hope, when all seems lost, when you think God has forgotten you...know that He hasn't. He will reveal himself in His perfect timing. And someday, maybe while we're here on Earth and maybe not until we meet God again in heaven, we will understand. 

Mom Was Right: Lessons in Compassion

The other day I read this wonderful article about a baby who was born because of a uterus transplant. Yes, you read that right. Medical science has now figured out how transplant a uterus into another woman's body. This gives so many women who have lost their uterus for various reasons a new hope. This surgery is still in its early trial stages, and the success rate is not high at all, but it is progress. It is hope. And I celebrate it, as I celebrate any progress in the science of infertility, because it gives me and other infertile women hope that someday infertility can be a thing of the past.

I am a believer that God gives us the ability to discover new medical technologies to do His work here on Earth. Both my husband and I do not believe that faith and science have to be mutually exclusive. God can work miracles through medical science. I have seen it over and over again. I am a living testimony to the wonders of medical science and, hopefully some day soon, so will be my children. Reading articles like this give me so much hope for the future. What a beautiful thing to be able to give women the gift of producing new life! It was a wonderfully beautiful article.

And then I made a mistake. I read the comments.

So much hate. So much judgement. The comments were bile, angry, full of some of the most awful things I've ever heard. I won't repeat the comments, because they are too awful to bear repeating. The happy tears that had begun to fall reading the article quickly turned to painful tears. Perfect strangers throwing awful words and awful comments towards each other. People who thought that others were selfish for wanting children, that they should be more worried about other problems in the world, that they weren't justified in their feelings of despair at not being able to have children. I felt personally attacked.

At one point, I started to write a response to one of the comments. I got a few sentences in and then I thought, what am I doing? Why am I adding fuel to the fire? These people don't know me nor do I know them. It's not worth it. So I erased it, closed the page, and moved on. But I just couldn't shake how hateful and hurtful these people were to others who are going through a very difficult time.

Here's the point: Everyone is fighting something. Everyone has a battle raging inside of them. Everyone has different priorities and different ways they go about things and different beliefs. What may be important to you may not be important to someone else. That does not make your battle unjustified nor anyone else's. We all have inner demons we fight, and we all handle them differently. When did we become a society that cannot tolerate people with different ideas and values? When did it become ok to sit behind a computer screen and type bile comments to strangers and call them harsh names?

I could write a whole other series of blogs on why our society is the way it is. But I will say one thing here...our society is lacking a whole lot of COMPASSION. People have become so consumed with themselves that they have stopped LISTENING. I have two friends who started a non-profit organization simply because they saw a need for "compassionate listening" in our world. And sometimes, all someone needs is an ear to listen. Those ears are hard to come by these days.

Mom was right. If you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all.

If you wouldn't say it to their face, don't type it in a comment on an article, or on Facebook, or Twitter, or anywhere else in cyber world. And if it's mean and you would say it to their face, you should probably reconsider whether it should be said at all. Because as momma said, some things are better left unsaid.

Put yourself in their shoes. If you were fighting a hopeless battle, would you want to hear all those hateful things from people who didn't understand? Definitely not. Be gracious, be compassionate. Someday you might need someone to be compassionate towards you. Chances are, if you weren't compassionate towards someone in their time of need they aren't going to return the favor.

Protect yourself (and your heart and your soul) from the naysayers. If you have people in your life that are constantly ridiculing you, questioning your lifestyle or motives, etc., it may be time to distance yourself from them. I have unfollower, defriended, and blocked many people on social media because I just can't handle their negativity. I am better off not having those types of people in my life. I still love them, I still pray for them, but sometimes it is just better to step away from the toxic people in your life. You will be better for it.

Do yourself a favor and take a break from technology once in awhile. I am a lover of all kinds of technology (my house is full of all kinds of iStuff), but I have come to realize that I need a break from it from time to time. It is addicting to me, and it is a great time waster! I don't know what it is about technology, but it does things to us. It turns us into people we aren't. I've been doing this thing where I spend the first hour of the day and the last hour before I go to bed unplugged. No phone, no iPad, no computer or TV. I take that time to read a book (yes an actual book!) or journal or spend time with God. Is it hard? Yup. Do I do it every day? Nope. But the days I do start and/or finish my day unplugged are wonderful. I am more productive, I sleep better, and I actually stay off technology more throughout the day. Facebook will go on without you, I promise. There will be plenty of drama to read later.

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When I was a young girl, and I would complain about something, my grandmother would always tell me "no matter how hard things get for you, there is always someone else somewhere in the world who has it worse than you." Smart woman that old lady is. She is a genuinely compassionate, generous person with a heart for helping people, always putting others before herself. She never talks bad about someone, even if they're someone that irritates her. She always looks for the good in people. I would love to have a world full of people like my grandmother with compassionate hearts. Our world would be so much better. Instead, we have a world full of self-centered people who measure their self-worth by Facebook likes and have no problem calling perfect strangers awful names. I am glad my grandmother will never see the world of Facebook, because it would break her heart to see what society has really become.

Our Life's Jigsaw Puzzle

I've been pretty silent on the blog for the past few months, and for good reason. My husband and I had an insanely busy summer - 4 weddings, 2 family reunions, me going back to grad school, family and friends visiting, a vacation, and more places to be than I can even begin to remember. Whew! We made it though, and for a few weeks this month my husband and I were able to slow down and breathe. It was so nice...we even got to spend a weekend alone! This week my usual fall mayhem begins meaning I'm pretty much booked solid until Christmas. Being both in direct sales and a musician, this time of year is always crazy. I love my busy life though, and I wouldn't want it any other way!

In between all the insanity of our summer schedule, I also spent a lot of time in prayer and reflection. So many unanswered questions, so many choices to make and things to discern. I'll be honest, there were days I didn't want to get out of bed. I was on an emotional roller coaster. There were days I'd think one answer was absolutely the correct one, and other days I thought the complete opposite. I was in a whirlwind of unanswered questions and grabbing on to whatever answer felt right at the moment...and then I began to listen. I mean REALLY LISTEN to what God was telling me. Sometimes His voice is loud making it blatantly clear what He wants you to do. And other times, more often than not, His voice is quiet. You have to listen carefully to what He's telling you. I think God does this on purpose, to really make us tune into Him and His purpose. Because if God was constantly yelling in your face, you wouldn't have to listen so intently...and you'd probably end up tuning out the yelling eventually and stop listening altogether. I mean, that's what I do when I have someone yelling in my face! So this summer I listened. I waited. I listened some more. I started journaling in a private journal that revealed some things about myself, both beautiful and ugly.

A friend of mine got me into this jigsaw iPad app. This app has tons of cool puzzles, and it also has a "puzzle of the day." The picture of the day puzzle doesn't show the picture beforehand like all the other puzzles do. You just have to click on the puzzle of the day, and as you're putting the pieces together the picture slowly reveals itself. Some are pretty easy to figure out, others not so much. And when there are more pieces to put together, it takes longer and is increases the difficulty. Isn't our life with God just like a jigsaw puzzle? God already knows what the picture in the end will look like. He knows how every single piece of our life's puzzle will fit together long before we're even born. Every second of our life here on Earth, in Heaven, and for all Eternity has already been mapped out. And I know, just like everyone else, that sometimes we try to put two pieces of our life's puzzle together that don't fit. They belong in another part of our puzzle...or maybe they've found their way to the wrong box and don't fit in our puzzle at all. It's hard sometimes, especially when we want those pieces to fit so badly...or when two puzzle pieces are so similar that they LOOK like they should fit, but they don't. Putting together puzzles is challenging, frustrating, but also rewarding. You are putting together a beautiful picture. You have no idea what it is going to look like in the end, but you know it will be wonderful.

Every time we pick up a piece of our life's puzzle, we have to ask ourselves, "where does this piece go? Is it time to add this piece to my puzzle? Is it even MY puzzle piece?" and wait for God to answer. Patience. Oh my do I ever struggle with patience! I want things to be done MY way and NOW! Why won't God give me what I want this very second??? Story. Of. My. Life. But I'm working on it. I'll never completely get there, because it's in my nature to be strong-willed and stubborn (hey, God made me that way, so He knows how to deal with me, right?) ;-) But all kidding aside, I try. Some days are better than others, and that's ok. We weren't made to be perfect. We were just made to worship God and try and put the pieces of our life's puzzle together the best we can. If we listen, honestly listen, God will help us put those pieces together.

In the end, our life's picture will be beautiful. Yes there are ugly parts, but the overall picture is going to be so wonderful we will wonder why we spent so much time complaining about it. I imagine myself when I get to heaven standing next to Jesus, looking at my completed picture hanging in God's picture gallery in total awe and amazement. Then He says to me, "See? I told you it would be beautiful."

In the Waiting

This has been a tough week for me. I have come full-circle on one of the most difficult years of my life. This time last year, I was pregnant for the second time...and in a few days we would lose that baby too. We had lost our first baby just 9 months earlier. We would try again several times with the help of fertility drugs and IUI (artificial insemination) before deciding to take a break at the end of November last year. We were emotionally and physically spent. I had nothing left in me to keep trying, and felt God telling us to rest a while and regain some strength. Our fertility doctor wanted us to consider IVF (in-vitro fertilization), but after much prayer and discussion decided that wasn't right for us. We looked into adoption agencies and talked to adoptive parents...but that wasn't right for us at the time either. And so we waited...and waited...and waited some more. Still, God told us to rest. This winter, I felt myself slipping into depression. The deadness and darkness of winter overcame me. I withdrew from everything...from people, from my music, from my career...and sat day after day crying out "why??" I didn't want to face my problems. I didn't want to face my fears. I would much rather sit in the dark and not deal with anything. I certainly didn't want to hear what God had to say. I was angry, I was depressed, I wanted Him to solve all my problems NOW or leave me alone.

When spring came, I felt the fog start to lift and, like the buds on the trees beginning to emerge, I felt myself start to come back to life. I could feel my lungs breathing in a new kind of air. It was fresh, full of life and possibilities. I began to eat right and exercise again. I got a new haircut and a pedicure.  I was starting to feel small glimpses of my former self come back to life. I was starting to feel good about myself again.

As I was pulling out of the funk that I had been in for months, I started listening to God more. I always thought I had listened, but I realized I had been listening like a teenager listens to her parents. My answers were more like "sure, ok God. Whatever you say," as I ran out the door to do something completely different. It wasn't so much that I was being defiant, it was more that I only heard what I wanted to hear. My mother calls it "selective hearing" (she claims my father has had this since the day they married. haha!). I have recently started listening more...really listening. I realized that I was doing things that God didn't intend for me to do. I was on a career path that He had not intended for me, at least not at this time in my life. And so I did a complete 180 and am now on a completely different path...but the right path. And it feels so good, so right. THIS is what God has intended for me!

This winter, my husband and I decided to give ourselves until June to make any further decisions about having a baby. We needed to focus on ourselves for awhile. I needed to focus on my health, specifically. June has come, and God is still saying WAIT. I don't know why, but He is. I know I'm getting older, and in 6 months I'll be at that magic age of 35 when the fertility world starts to panic. I'll have all sorts of labels plastered on me that make me high risk (but after two miscarriages, I probably have that label anyway). But, God wants us to wait just a little while longer. I'm not gonna lie - it is HARD! But I know that we are getting there. We are doing things now that will give us a better chance of having a baby later. My spontaneous personality is having a lot of trouble with that. I want all my wants and needs fulfilled NOW, not later! But we will get there. We still have hope. We know God always fulfills his promises, and we know that, in some way or another, we will be parents.

God is starting to reveal little things to us, and we know we have many decisions to make over the summer about many things. Not only do we have baby-making decisions to make, but we have career, house, financial, and other decisions to make. We have been in a period of waiting for a very long time...but we feel the time for action drawing nearer. Little by little, God is revealing to us our next course of action. We are trying to be obedient and do what He has called us to do. We know we won't have to wait forever, even when sometimes it feels that way.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. -Romans 8:28

On the Road to Recovery - Mary's Story

Struggles. We all have them. Everyone struggles with SOMETHING. No one is perfect, no one has it all together despite what they may portray to the rest of the world. Everyone has an inner struggle that they are so desperately trying to overcome.

Let me tell you about my friend Mary. I met Mary about 4 years ago at my former church. The first time I saw Mary, before we even said one word to each other, I knew we had something in common. You see, Mary is not what we would consider a "normal" size. She isn't even what most would consider "fairly large." Mary is extremely obese. So large in fact, that her life is in danger. Her body is failing her, her organs are straining to support her, and she is on borrowed time. The moment I first saw her my heart ached for her, because I knew her struggle. I knew that deep down something was troubling her, and her inner struggle was showing on her outside. That morning, I prayed that God would connect me to Mary somehow. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to help her. But I didn't know how, and I certainly didn't want to offend her by approaching a very delicate subject. So I waited, and eventually Mary ended up coming to our community group, and our friendship began.

I haven't written about my struggle with my weight on this blog. Five years ago I weighed 374 pounds. I was miserable. I couldn't walk very far, and I could barely make it up one flight of steps without gasping for air. In August 2009 I had Lap Band surgery and my life began to change. I lost 162 pounds, and with that regained my life (and in the process got married to the love of my life!). I remember the night I made the decision to change my life. It was Christmas Eve 2008. I had thoroughly enjoyed my Christmas Eve...and by thoroughly enjoy I mean I was stuffed so full I could barely move. I felt sick. By then I had been researching weight loss surgeries for over a year, but was determined I was going to lose the weight by myself. I didn't want to be "one of those people" who needed surgery to lose weight. But that Christmas Eve, it became very clear to me that I needed to do something drastic or I was not going to live a very long life. The tears started to fall as I realized how sick I really was, and how much I needed help. In that moment, I decided I was going to have the Lap Band surgery. I cried myself to sleep that night. It was one of the lowest points in my life.

As I began the process to have the surgery, and following my surgery, I had to face many demons. I physically could not overeat anymore, so I was forced to deal with my struggles in other ways. I talked to counselors and went to Overeaters Anonymous, and finally began to piece my life back together. It was a brutal process, but it was a necessary one.

Eating disorders are scary. We talk often about anorexia and bulimia, which are very serious life-threatening diseases...but we rarely talk about compulsive overeating and food addiction. We brush off overweight people as lazy and tell them that they just need to eat less and exercise. Sometimes this is the case...but in my friend Mary's case, and in my case, it is far from it. My friend Mary and I suffer from an eating disorder. One that most of the medical community does not even recognize as a real disorder. It is just as serious and life-threatening as anorexia or bulimia. If someone can starve themselves because of a mental illness, why is it so difficult for us to believe that someone can do the opposite? Why must we belittle overweight people and brush off their obesity as just eating too much? My friends, compulsive overeating/food addiction is not really about the food. Let me give you a little glimpse into my (and my friend Mary's) life:

-An anorexic/bulimic has a distorted body image. They see themselves as fat, when in reality they are extremely thin. A compulsive overeater/food addict also has a distorted body image. They see themselves as thin when in reality they are extremely obese.

-An anorexic/bulimic starves themselves or vomits as a coping mechanism. A compulsive overeater/food addict copes by eating more (and almost always unhealthy) food.

-A bulimic can't stop themselves from throwing up food. A compulsive overeater cannot stop themselves from eating.

-An alcoholic is addicted to alcohol. Even one sip will trigger an alcoholic into relapse. A food addict is addicted to food (almost always multiple foods, or even just food in general). Even one bite of a certain food will send them into relapse. I once ate one cupcake that sent me into a 4-month relapse. ONE CUPCAKE.

You see where I'm going with this. This is not just having an inkling towards candy bars or emotional eating when you have a bad day. This is a serious mental illness. I have been in recovery from compulsive overeating and food addiction for 5 years. I have relapsed multiple times. I have gained weight and lost weight. I am currently not at my lowest weight in the last 5 years because of multiple relapses due to the tremendous stress I've been under with infertility and miscarriage. But I'll get there, and I'll be ok. But it is a struggle every single day. Every meal, every hour I have to make conscious decisions about what I am going to eat. I have to be more careful than most people because, if I am not careful, even the tiniest bite of something can send me into a full-out relapse and I will be back where I started. I have an eating disorder. It is a mental illness, and one which most of the world does not understand.

I did not mean to make this blog entry all about me, but I wanted to give you all some insight into what daily life is like for me and my friend Mary. Now, back to Mary. As I got to know Mary, I learned more about her. She is an incredible person. When I met her, she was homeless and jobless. She now has her own apartment and has a career as a freelance artist and graphic designer. Despite her success as an artist, she still struggles to make ends meet. But because of her size and condition, she cannot work a full-time job. It is not because she does not want to, it's because she is physically unable. She runs tech for her church and blesses more people than I can count with her talents. She is a very humble person, and she has a heart of gold. She would do anything for anybody. She has traveled a rough road and has overcome more than most of us will in an entire lifetime. But what amazes me the most about Mary is her humbleness and incredible generosity.

Now, after Mary has helped so many people, it is our turn to help her. Mary's condition is far worse than mine (and mine is/was pretty bad!). She needs help, and she has taken a huge step to get that help. In a couple weeks Mary will be heading down to a treatment center for eating disorders in Florida. She does not know how long she will be there...it could be 3 months, it could be longer. She is being sent to the Florida center instead of the one here in Pennsylvania because her condition is so severe. It is scary for her, but she knows this is where she needs to be. At this center she will receive intensive inpatient treatment for her eating disorder and, God-willing, learn how to live a life free from compulsive overeating and food addiction.

While this center is going to give her the best possible chance to have a long, healthy life, it also comes with a price. A price that Mary cannot pay on her own. It is expensive, even for someone like me who has an average middle-class income. Mary has reached out to ask for money to help her on this journey, which I know was extremely hard for her to do. If you feel it in your heart to help this amazing woman, please click on the link below to access her fundraising page. Every little bit helps, and every dollar gets her closer to recovery. Please consider a donation. If you cannot give money, please pray for her on this journey. She will not have access to internet while she is there, but one of her friends has created a Facebook page for her and will be updating it while Mary is at the center. I will leave that link below also so you can follow her road to recovery.

I know this was a long entry, and if you have read this far - thank you! As Christians we are called to help one another, and this particular situation has been weighing very heavy on my heart. Mary is a beautiful person, inside and out. She has a long journey ahead of her, and I cannot wait for the day when her body is healthy again and can support her stunning inner beauty and her gorgeous soul. :-)

Mary "before." Can't wait to see the "after!"

Donate to support Mary's journey here:
http://www.gofundme.com/HalfMySize

Follow Mary's journey here:
https://www.facebook.com/HalfMySizeMary