Beautiful Things

As I was on the treadmill this afternoon, the song "Beautiful Things" starting playing in my earbuds. Normally this isn't the type of song I would play when working out. It's not exactly an upbeat go get 'em pump it up type of song. But I was in the middle of one of my runs when it came on and struggling to get through it, and I didn't want to waste any energy picking up my iPhone and hitting the "next" button. I needed all the energy I could muster to get through my workout today.

I often think that God gives me exactly the song I need to hear at exactly the right moment. This was one of those moments. As crazy as it sounds, this afternoon I believe was a turning point for me. All it took was a song you say? Well, I AM a musician after all! In all seriousness though, sometimes it's a small moment in time that makes the biggest difference. It's not always a huge event. Sometimes it's just 3 minutes on a treadmill on an ordinary day.

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us.

As I listened, I knew that God was...IS going to make something beautiful out of me, out of my life. We are human, which means there is a lot of ugliness inside us. It is our nature. But God takes that ugliness and shapes it into something beautiful. He takes our trials and pain and turns it into something good. He loves ALL of us, including every little imperfection in us. It's hard to remember this sometimes. It's hard to remember that even our ugly imperfections are a part of who we are, who God made us to be. Sometimes it's hard not to focus on the ugliness. Sometimes it consumes you.

I realized today that I've been letting FEAR consume me. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. What if I'm never a mom? What if I don't meet my business goals? What if I can't lose weight again? What if I never do anything with my music again? I've had days these past few weeks when I couldn't leave the couch. I've ignored phone calls because I simply don't want to talk to anyone. Days have gone by where the only things I accomplished were waking up and feeding myself. To say I've been in a real funk and have had trouble pulling myself out of it. Why have I let this happen? HOW did I let it happen? Fear sneaks up on you sometimes. First it's just little things...and then it slowly builds. It snowballs into a giant avalanche until you realize you're about to fall off a very high cliff. Hopefully you wake up and climb back up the mountain. Sometimes it takes someone else to help you climb...or even to help you realize where you are.

My husband, God bless him, is a very quiet and patient man. On days when I just can't seem to do anything, he picks up the slack and does things like cook dinner and go on ice cream runs. It must be difficult as a husband to know when to say something to your wife, especially since we women tend to be a tad bit (ok a lot) more emotional than men. My husband wants to be sympathetic and just give me a shoulder to cry on. I appreciate that so much. But over the weekend, my husband finally said something to me about this funk I've been in...and that I appreciate so much more. We had a lengthy discussion about it, which turned into another lengthy discussion about what to do about having a baby. We now we have a new plan, and a new deadline for pursuing fertility treatments that I am comfortable with. We are holding off a little bit longer because we realize that I need to take care of myself right now. That was a difficult decision to make, but we both know it is the right one. Kudos to my husband for having the courage to say what I needed to hear, even if I didn't want to hear it at the time.

Fear holds us back. It consumes us if we let it. We have faith in God but are consumed by fear...but fear does not come from God. Fear is from the enemy. The enemy does not want you to win. The enemy doesn't want you to succeed. The enemy doesn't want you to do God's will. The enemy plants fears into our hearts and minds to hold us back from what God wants us to do. But you know what?

FEAR AND FAITH CANNOT LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE!!!

We all have, and will have in the future, battles with fear. I am in the midst of a huge battle with fear. But I will not let fear win. I can choose to wallow in my own self-pity about the past few weeks, or I can get up and dust myself off and move forward. I choose to move forward. 

God will make beautiful things out of us if we only let Him. God will put the pieces in front of us, he will lay out the path...but it is our choice whether or not we pick up those pieces and walk that path. That's the beauty of the free will God gave us. We don't always know what He is doing. We can't see His plan for us...but we can open our eyes to the things He lays before us.

Sometimes, it's just a song you hear while running on a treadmill.