I've always had a love-hate relationship with the Holiday season. Christmas is absolutely, by far my most favorite holiday of the year. I simply love the magic of Christmas, the lights, decorating the tree, baking cookies, shopping for gifts for my loved ones...all of it. LOVE. IT. I also hate the Holiday season. As a musician and music teacher it has always brought on tremendous stress. Getting ready for holiday concerts, packing in every last bit of instruction before winter break (and hoping they'll remember at least some of it in January), and the inevitable phone calls and emails from parents having wars on religions that they don't practice. Ugh! I don't have nearly the holiday stress anymore since I left teaching, and I can actually enjoy the holidays more than I have in many years. But, the Holidays also bring on memories. Some of them good memories, and some of them not so good.
I don't think it's any big secret that the Holidays can be depressing for some people. I also don't think it's any big secret that the suicide rate is higher around the Holidays. Why is that? We miss people more around the Holidays. This season is a daily reminder of those we lost, of ways our lives have changed since the year before (or perhaps many years before). My grandfather passed away 9 years ago, and there are still difficult moments around this time of year. This year, the Holiday season is bringing up a lot of difficult emotions for me. This is the second Christmas in a row that I had been planning to be pregnant. This year, I should be well into my 3rd trimester. I should be Christmas shopping for our baby arriving in early February! But, I'm not. Our first baby would have been 8 months old this Christmas. This would have been our first Christmas as parents. The first year we got to send OUR family photo card with OUR baby. The first Christmas we got to see our little son or daughter's eyes light up with delight on Christmas morning (even if he or she didn't understand it quite yet). The first year we got to take him or her to Hersheypark's Christmas Candylane, and sit on Santa's lap, and...well, you get the picture.
It is bittersweet really. I adore the magic of Christmas. I'm having the greatest time shopping for my niece and nephews this year...maybe a little too good of a time. I bought more for them then I usually do this year. Perhaps it's because, well, if I can't spoil my own child I might as well spoil someone else's. But even that has it's tough moments. I was in Old Navy the other day buying presents for my niece and nephews, and back in the baby section I almost lost it. I saw the most adorable clothes that I wanted to buy for my own children. I quickly composed myself to so I could finish my shopping and not look like a total idiot bawling in the middle of a store.
I happened to pass by a Hallmark keepsake ornament the other day that said "the ones we love never really leave us." I teared up when I saw it...because I believe it to be true. I know I'll get to meet my angel babies some day. I know my cousin Nikki is looking down on us. I know because she visits me in my dreams sometimes. I know all these people we have lost are in a better place, and out of pain and not having to deal with the crappy world we live in. But it still hurts. I still want them here. ALL of them. My angel babies, my cousin, my grandfather...everyone I've ever lost. It is difficult to let go and want at the same time.
So how do we cope with all this grief around the Holidays? Well, I don't know if I really have the answer to that. There are moments where it's ok to cry, and to remember. But I also think it's important to focus on the good things in our lives, and the people that we DO have with us. For example, I am not looking forward to Christmas night. Tradition in our family is to get together on Christmas night with my cousins who are local (and anyone else close to our family or who may be visiting) and play games. I'm not sure how many years we've been doing this, but it's been for a long time...like easily more than a decade. My cousin Nikki always organized a "Yankee Swap" game (a sort of white elephant gift exchange). She really got into it, too! She would send out an email every year with the rules (which were always different), and Nikki always came up with the funniest gifts. It was her thing. I asked her sister if we are still going to do Christmas game night this year. She said yes, it will be difficult but we are doing it because Nikki would want us to. It is traditions like family game night that bring me both joy and sorrow. Joy because I will be with family and people I love, sorrow because one of us will never join us for game night again. But we push through, and we try to make some normalcy of the situation. I am sure there will be tears shed on Christmas night. It is inevitable. But we will all be surrounded by people we love, and that is what will help us get through it.
Remember your friends who are grieving and/or struggling this Holiday season. Whether it be someone they lost, or someone struggling with infertility, or someone who can't get home to see their family, or some other reason. Maybe they lost a job, maybe times are really tough and/or money is tight. Whatever the reason, be compassionate. Do something special for them...or better yet, with them! It doesn't have to cost a lot of money. One of my closet friend's family lives 8 hours away and she can't always get home to see them on Holidays. I always extend an offer for her to have dinner with my family. A visit, a phone call, a card...keep in touch with your grieving and struggling friends. I discussed in my last post the power of a simple phone call. Just keeping in touch and letting them know you care says more than any material gift can ever say. If you don't have any grieving and/or struggling friends, consider adopting a family. Bless someone who has less than you. My cousin Nikki always kept several change jars throughout the year, and then right around Christmas would deliver the jar anonymously to someone's house that they knew were in need. Find simple ways to bless people, and find pleasure in the simple joys of Christmas.
Also remember Christmas is a celebration of the One who came to save us. God came down to Earth in the form of Jesus, to experience life as a human and to die for our sins. God knows human pain because He has experienced human pain. He knows the sorrow of losing a child because he lost his only son. Jesus gave his life so that we don't have to be perfect. How amazing is that?! At Christmas, we celebrate how it all started. Mary and Joseph paid many a sacrifice to bring Jesus into our world. Bask in the glory and the peace and the love of God and his Son. Know that our struggles will pass, and God has a plan that is bigger and better than ours. Know that those that are not longer with us are with Him, and they are doing just fine. We miss them, yes, we will always miss them. But as the ornament said, they will never really leave us.
Blessings,
Adrianne
Monday, December 9, 2013
Sunday, December 8, 2013
When God Says, "Not Now."
I have not felt compelled to write in a while, which is weird for me. My head is usually spinning with ideas to write about, eager for my fingers to type it out and share. Such has not been the case lately. I finally felt the urge to write again about a week or so ago, but naturally with the craziness of the Holiday season this is the first time I've actually had time to sit down and write (late at night when I can't sleep. haha).
The past month or so has been difficult. Until recently, I was in a low place and keeping mostly to myself. I was beginning to lose all hope that I'd ever be a mother. I've regained some of that hope, with a heavy dose of skepticism attached. We went through another insemination (IUI) cycle that failed, and that sent me into a pretty deep depression for about a week. We had another consult with our fertility doctor to discuss where to go from here, and during that consult was given a new sense of hope that this fight is not over yet. God hasn't told us NO yet. So we press on and pray for His guidance.
What God HAS told us is that it's time to take a break from all this insanity. During our last treatment cycle, I kept getting this nagging feeling that if I didn't get pregnant this time we needed to take a break for a cycle. Not-so-coincidentally, we were forced to take a break as our doctor wanted to meet with us and regroup and discuss our options. It was the best thing that could've happened to me. I simply needed time to be "normal" again. To not have to live by the calendar, to not rearrange my schedule for doctor's visits, to not have my one good vein abused several times a week and not have someone looking up my skirt at my ovaries again. The physical exhaustion is just as bad as the emotional exhaustion. And I am exhausted. WE are exhausted. It's a monthly reminder that we're not parents yet, and this month with Christmas fast approaching there's enough other stuff to give us that reminder. I don't need needles and ultrasound wands and medications to remind me right now, too.
It's very freeing not having a care in the world about when your next doctor's visit will be, or when your husband will have to take the morning off work again because it's "go time." I don't know how long this break will last. It might be just one month, it might be more. But what I do know is God has been telling us to rest and to focus on our own health. Both my husband and I have seen our bodies change over the past year (mine more than his). It has not been a good year for us emotionally, and that shows in our appearance. We recently made a commitment to each other to start eating better and going back to the gym regularly (a place neither of us have seen in quite some time). And I don't have to worry about exercising too hard because it's around ovulation time, or taking meds that cause me to gain weigh, or not eating or drinking something because there may or may not be a baby inside me. AHHHH! It's just all too much sometimes!
I think just about every couple who has gone through fertility treatments has taken a break at some point. And that's ok. We need it. We are no good to ourselves when we press on under tremendous emotional and physical stress. Sometimes it's ok, as bad as you may want something, to say "not now." I have no doubt that Sean and I will be parents eventually, whenever and however God chooses for that to happen for us. I didn't have that dream years ago for no reason. God didn't place it on my heart the desire to be a mother for nothing. He is in control, and He will decide when and how the time is right. It's not easy to remember that all the time. Heck, sometimes it's downright impossible. I admit I have plenty of screaming matches with God over my struggle to become a mother. That's OK too. God still loves all of us. We don't stop loving those we care about just because they get mad at us, do we? Neither does God. I have to remind myself of this frequently.
And I admit I have not been listening to God much lately. Rather, I've been yelling at him, asking him "WHY?" and trying to come up with my own solutions. A couple weeks ago I told Sean that's it, we're adopting and sent for info from several agencies. Now I'm not so sure about that...not yet, anyway. I started listening this week, and a sense of calm finally came over me. God is in control. "Relax, Ade," He says, "I've got this all taken care of." You see, God already knows the outcome of this struggle. He knows the outcome of all of your struggles, too. Isn't that wonderful? Sometimes I think, when you're about to go through a trial in your life, God is up there in heaven saying "this is going to hurt, I know. It will hurt me seeing you go through it more than it will hurt you. But I promise it is for a reason and it will all be worth it in the end, you'll see."
God loves you, and He has a plan for you. The more you soak yourself in His presence and submit to His plan for your life, the more at peace you will be. I know it isn't always easy, believe me, I know! But it is worth every small glimpse of peace you may get, even if only for a second.
Blessings,
Adrianne
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Slices of Hope
Another month, another failed fertility treatment. This month hit me really hard. It was supposed to work this time. My body was finally doing what it was supposed to do, the stars had all aligned and this was going to be the month. I could feel it. Except it wasn't. Now what? Do we shell out more money to maybe have better results next month? How many months can we afford to keep going until our debt limit is reached? We're not the government, we can't just raise our debt ceiling and keep going until something works. I'll be honest, I cried a lot today. I knew even before going in to the doctor what the results were going to be. All the signs that my monthly visitor was on it's way arrived late last night. My body knew. My heart knew. And so it was confirmed. No baby this month. No, you're not going to be parents yet. Another slice of my pie of hope was cut away today. Every month more slices get taken away. I'm not sure how much pie is left...I'm not sure how much hope is left.
I'm going to be real here for a minute. There are a lot of things wrong with this world. There is a lot of evil out there. And most of it, I can accept. I know we're all part of a bigger story, of God's "grand design" if you will. I accept that bad things happen to good people, and there are wars and evil dictators and people who want to hurt others. I don't like any of it of course, but somehow I can accept that it's a part of living here on Earth. But there's one thing I can NOT accept, and that's how good people, people who want nothing more than to have children and would be wonderful parents, struggle so much to have children when there are so many unwanted and unloved children in the world. The Christian woman in me wants to say it's ok and God has a plan and yadda yadda yadda...but I can't. I'm sorry, I just can't. I've seen too many hurting children. As a teacher for 9 years, I saw children who only got a good meal at school. The only people who they felt loved by were their teachers and classmates. The only place they felt safe was at school. I taught children who were abused, neglected, and treated horribly by selfish parents who put their needs ahead of their children's needs. People who throw around the word "abortion" like it's some sort of fashion statement...what I would give to take the "burden" of having a child from them. My mom was a child psychiatry nurse for over 20 years and saw the worst of the worst...far worse cases than I had ever seen. WHY? Why do these horrible people get to have kids without even trying and here I am spending thousands of dollars struggling to have children when I KNOW I would be the best parents I knew how to be?
I don't understand. And I'm not going to try to understand. This is something I have to give to Jesus to understand and accept, because I can not. And I'm finally starting to realize, that's OK. He will take the burdens that you cannot bear. This is a burden I cannot bear, and a journey I cannot walk alone. This is a paradox of the universe that is beyond my comprehension. I will never understand it, I will never accept it. Perhaps someday when Jesus and I meet I can ask him why. Maybe it's not His doing at all...maybe it's the enemy's doing. I don't know and I will never pretend to know.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30
This is where I am right now. I am using Jesus to shoulder my burden. I am holding on to that last sliver of hope. It's small, but it's there. I have to dig very deep to find it some days...like today. That's ok too. Because when you are losing hope, God hopes for you. Others hope for you. Maybe if everyone contributes a tiny piece of hope to someone else's pie, we could all have more hope again. Do you know someone who is hurting who could use a tiny slice of your hope? Do you need a tiny slice of hope from someone? I will admit, I could use some of those slices if you have them, at least where pregnancy and children are concerned. I have slices of hope to give back in other areas and will happily give you hope! Maybe if we all share the slices of hope we do have we could all end up with pies full of hope!
I'm going to be real here for a minute. There are a lot of things wrong with this world. There is a lot of evil out there. And most of it, I can accept. I know we're all part of a bigger story, of God's "grand design" if you will. I accept that bad things happen to good people, and there are wars and evil dictators and people who want to hurt others. I don't like any of it of course, but somehow I can accept that it's a part of living here on Earth. But there's one thing I can NOT accept, and that's how good people, people who want nothing more than to have children and would be wonderful parents, struggle so much to have children when there are so many unwanted and unloved children in the world. The Christian woman in me wants to say it's ok and God has a plan and yadda yadda yadda...but I can't. I'm sorry, I just can't. I've seen too many hurting children. As a teacher for 9 years, I saw children who only got a good meal at school. The only people who they felt loved by were their teachers and classmates. The only place they felt safe was at school. I taught children who were abused, neglected, and treated horribly by selfish parents who put their needs ahead of their children's needs. People who throw around the word "abortion" like it's some sort of fashion statement...what I would give to take the "burden" of having a child from them. My mom was a child psychiatry nurse for over 20 years and saw the worst of the worst...far worse cases than I had ever seen. WHY? Why do these horrible people get to have kids without even trying and here I am spending thousands of dollars struggling to have children when I KNOW I would be the best parents I knew how to be?
I don't understand. And I'm not going to try to understand. This is something I have to give to Jesus to understand and accept, because I can not. And I'm finally starting to realize, that's OK. He will take the burdens that you cannot bear. This is a burden I cannot bear, and a journey I cannot walk alone. This is a paradox of the universe that is beyond my comprehension. I will never understand it, I will never accept it. Perhaps someday when Jesus and I meet I can ask him why. Maybe it's not His doing at all...maybe it's the enemy's doing. I don't know and I will never pretend to know.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30
This is where I am right now. I am using Jesus to shoulder my burden. I am holding on to that last sliver of hope. It's small, but it's there. I have to dig very deep to find it some days...like today. That's ok too. Because when you are losing hope, God hopes for you. Others hope for you. Maybe if everyone contributes a tiny piece of hope to someone else's pie, we could all have more hope again. Do you know someone who is hurting who could use a tiny slice of your hope? Do you need a tiny slice of hope from someone? I will admit, I could use some of those slices if you have them, at least where pregnancy and children are concerned. I have slices of hope to give back in other areas and will happily give you hope! Maybe if we all share the slices of hope we do have we could all end up with pies full of hope!
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
The Tears Behind the Smile
Someone told me recently that they admire my attitude during this infertility process. Meaning (I think) that they admire how I've been able to find the bright spots in this journey and show gratitude for things I normally wouldn't. Oh, if they only knew! If they only knew how many times I've cried myself to sleep. How sometimes even the sight of anything baby-related brings tears to my eyes. How the smallest thing can turn into a gigantic emotional breakdown. If they only knew the fortress I've had to build around my heart to prevent it from breaking even further. The conversations I've had to excuse myself from because they were too much to handle. How I struggle to be happy for pregnant women and newborn babies. Oh yes, if they only knew the flood of tears that were being held back by that smile.
From a fairly early age I learned to put on a happy face when life got my down. My very first job was a ride operator at Hersheypark, where I learned to be "Hersheypark Happy" even when I was having a bad day. Tourists don't care what's going on in your life, they just want to enjoy their vacation. And it was my job to make sure that happened. After college I went on to be a music teacher. There's very little room for having a bad day when you're in front of a room full of eager young faces ready to learn. It is the teacher's job to be positive and encouraging. It's no business of the students' how bad your life is at that moment. I lived through a school tragedy where I had to be strong for my students mourning the loss of their classmates, and put my own sorrows aside until the students left and I could get in my car and cry all the way home. And now as a Mary Kay consultant, it is important to be positive always for my customers so that I can provide the best possible customer service for them. Even as a worship leader at my church, it is important to stay positive as we draw the congregation into worship. Yes, I am very experienced at putting on a happy face when I am feeling the complete opposite.
I quite often wonder if there are tears behind a person's smile when I talk to them. Maybe it's because the past couple years have been filled with tears of my own. I also wonder if people can see that my smile is fake, or if they think I'm genuinely happy. Have I had moments of genuine happiness over the past year? Of course I have! I have so many things to be grateful for and so many people and things that bring happiness into my life. But there are sometimes when I don't know if it's possible anymore to be genuinely happy without that nagging, sinking feeling inside me. There are days when my emptiness consumes me. Some days are filled with more tears than others.
But perhaps my friend was on to something when they spoke of my attitude. I saw a quote once that said something like life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. Your attitude can make a BIG difference. So I choose to focus on the positive things in my life. Those good things that keep me going. My husband, my niece and nephews, my amazing friends, my cats (yes, my cats!), my music, and so much more. There are days when I fail at this miserably, and fall back down into the deep abyss of sorrow, swimming through my lake of tears. And that's OK. Sometimes you just have to let it all out. Sometimes the world throws so many things at you all at once and you just need to sit and cry. But I often feel like I can't cry in front of people, so I put on my Hersheypark Happy face and act like all is well and good with the world. How does one find that balance between happiness and sharing your sorrow?
I invite you to cry. Whatever is going on in your life, whatever your current struggle, just give yourself the time to sit and cry. It's ok. You don't always have to be strong. It's ok to be weak when life gets the best of you. And after you've cried, reach down and find the smile behind the tears. It's there, you just have to reach for it. Because behind all those tears is a God who loves you and will never leave you. He knows sorrow. He knows the greatest sorrow of losing a child, as He gave up His only son for you. And He still loves you and He still loves this world, despite how humans make every attempt to hurt Him. And when you find this inner peace that God gave you, and you find that smile behind all those tears, maybe, just maybe, that smile can be a genuine happiness...even if only for a moment.
From a fairly early age I learned to put on a happy face when life got my down. My very first job was a ride operator at Hersheypark, where I learned to be "Hersheypark Happy" even when I was having a bad day. Tourists don't care what's going on in your life, they just want to enjoy their vacation. And it was my job to make sure that happened. After college I went on to be a music teacher. There's very little room for having a bad day when you're in front of a room full of eager young faces ready to learn. It is the teacher's job to be positive and encouraging. It's no business of the students' how bad your life is at that moment. I lived through a school tragedy where I had to be strong for my students mourning the loss of their classmates, and put my own sorrows aside until the students left and I could get in my car and cry all the way home. And now as a Mary Kay consultant, it is important to be positive always for my customers so that I can provide the best possible customer service for them. Even as a worship leader at my church, it is important to stay positive as we draw the congregation into worship. Yes, I am very experienced at putting on a happy face when I am feeling the complete opposite.
I quite often wonder if there are tears behind a person's smile when I talk to them. Maybe it's because the past couple years have been filled with tears of my own. I also wonder if people can see that my smile is fake, or if they think I'm genuinely happy. Have I had moments of genuine happiness over the past year? Of course I have! I have so many things to be grateful for and so many people and things that bring happiness into my life. But there are sometimes when I don't know if it's possible anymore to be genuinely happy without that nagging, sinking feeling inside me. There are days when my emptiness consumes me. Some days are filled with more tears than others.
But perhaps my friend was on to something when they spoke of my attitude. I saw a quote once that said something like life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. Your attitude can make a BIG difference. So I choose to focus on the positive things in my life. Those good things that keep me going. My husband, my niece and nephews, my amazing friends, my cats (yes, my cats!), my music, and so much more. There are days when I fail at this miserably, and fall back down into the deep abyss of sorrow, swimming through my lake of tears. And that's OK. Sometimes you just have to let it all out. Sometimes the world throws so many things at you all at once and you just need to sit and cry. But I often feel like I can't cry in front of people, so I put on my Hersheypark Happy face and act like all is well and good with the world. How does one find that balance between happiness and sharing your sorrow?
I invite you to cry. Whatever is going on in your life, whatever your current struggle, just give yourself the time to sit and cry. It's ok. You don't always have to be strong. It's ok to be weak when life gets the best of you. And after you've cried, reach down and find the smile behind the tears. It's there, you just have to reach for it. Because behind all those tears is a God who loves you and will never leave you. He knows sorrow. He knows the greatest sorrow of losing a child, as He gave up His only son for you. And He still loves you and He still loves this world, despite how humans make every attempt to hurt Him. And when you find this inner peace that God gave you, and you find that smile behind all those tears, maybe, just maybe, that smile can be a genuine happiness...even if only for a moment.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Jericho
When I was a little girl, my Dad would tell me Bible stories before bed time. The Battle of Jericho was always one of my favorites. I would ask him to tell me the story, and then we would dance around the room singing the song "Joshua Fit the Battle of Jericho" pretending to play the trumpet. (It's no wonder where I got my goofy side from.) ;-) My dad always talked about putting on the armor of God and fighting battles. Little did I know how true this story would ring for me one day.
You're probably familiar with the story. In the book of Joshua, God asks the Israelites to march around the city of Jericho once every day for 7 days. On the 7th day they sound the trumpets and the walls of Jericho fall down so the Israelites can enter the city. Crazy impossible story, right? I guess I love to believe in the impossible, because to this day it's still one of my favorite stories of the Bible.
My pastor spoke about the story of Jericho this past Sunday. He is doing a sermon series about God doing impossible things in our lives. Needless to say, I have been intently listening to this series as my husband and I are in the midst of an impossible situation, waiting for God to reveal the impossible things He is doing for us. Many of the points in our pastor's sermons have really hit home over the past couple weeks. As he was talking this past Sunday about how ridiculous it must have felt (and looked to those watching!) to keep circling a city in hopes that the walls would magically fall down at the sound of trumpets, I turned to my husband and said, "I feel like we've been walking around Jericho for two years."
God often asks us to do crazy things. My husband and I have been wandering around for the past two years, sometimes feeling like we're walking in circles trying to discern where to go next. But we keep waiting, we keep having to go back to square one. Every month is another lap around a city built with a fortress that we can't get into. Twice we have come close...so close...we've been standing at the door knocking, only to be thrown back out to continue circling. When will the walls fall? When do our trumpets sound? Will it be fertility drugs that knock the walls down? Will it be more intensive treatment such as artificial insemination or donor eggs or *gulp* adoption? When does this never-ending circle end?
It must look ridiculous to a fly on the wall to watch us do some of the things infertile couples do. Sex during fertile times is about the farthest thing from romantic a married couple can get. I take medications and take frequent trips to the fertility clinic where they analyze my blood and my ovaries and my uterus. I take my temperature every morning and pee on sticks to determine just when it's the right time. We discuss things like whether or not to go away for weekends because we might miss a window, or I might have to go to the fertility clinic for monitoring. Yes, we probably look like crazy people. But these are things that we believe God has asked us to do. He has asked us to put our trust in Him, and He has led us down this path. We haven't made any decisions about fertility treatments without first praying and asking God what He wanted us to do. Have we always made the right choice? I honestly have no idea. But somehow God continues to lead us through it.
Unlike the Israelites, who were told it would happen for them on the 7th time around, we don't know what time will be ours. But we keep walking. We keep moving on and having faith. I don't know why God has asked us to fight this battle...perhaps I'll never know. I don't know why we can't get through the fortress of fertility or how many times we will have to circle that fortress until we are finally allowed to enter. What I do know is God is always with us, and He will never abandon us. Sometimes God gives us solutions that make no sense, and that we never would have expected. I know He will work it out somehow. Maybe my idea of it working out and God's idea of working it out are different. Our pastor shared a wonderful quote on Sunday that helped to put things in perspective:
"Jesus will always give you what you would have prayed for if you knew everything He knows." -Timothy Keller
Obviously, I don't know what Jesus knows about my life or my situation. Nobody does. But I still believe that fortress will come down somehow. It has to. I can't live the rest of my life like this.
A dear friend gave me this scripture yesterday:
"We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but NEVER ABANDONED by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed." - 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (NLT)
GOD WILL NEVER ABANDON YOU. No matter what your struggle, how bad your pain is, or how tough your battle. He will NEVER LEAVE YOU. Sometimes, that is the only comfort I have to hold on to. As you circle your own Jericho, waiting for your own walls to fall down, God is walking with you. He knows your struggles, and He knows your heart. And the beautiful thing is, He already knows how and when it will work out. Just keep walking.
And of course, I simply cannot write a blog about the Battle of Jericho without including the song! My favorite arrangement from my elementary chorus director days. How appropriate that this video is of kids singing it when my Jericho is trying to have children! Enjoy! ;-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji-0CjCKHi8
You're probably familiar with the story. In the book of Joshua, God asks the Israelites to march around the city of Jericho once every day for 7 days. On the 7th day they sound the trumpets and the walls of Jericho fall down so the Israelites can enter the city. Crazy impossible story, right? I guess I love to believe in the impossible, because to this day it's still one of my favorite stories of the Bible.
My pastor spoke about the story of Jericho this past Sunday. He is doing a sermon series about God doing impossible things in our lives. Needless to say, I have been intently listening to this series as my husband and I are in the midst of an impossible situation, waiting for God to reveal the impossible things He is doing for us. Many of the points in our pastor's sermons have really hit home over the past couple weeks. As he was talking this past Sunday about how ridiculous it must have felt (and looked to those watching!) to keep circling a city in hopes that the walls would magically fall down at the sound of trumpets, I turned to my husband and said, "I feel like we've been walking around Jericho for two years."
God often asks us to do crazy things. My husband and I have been wandering around for the past two years, sometimes feeling like we're walking in circles trying to discern where to go next. But we keep waiting, we keep having to go back to square one. Every month is another lap around a city built with a fortress that we can't get into. Twice we have come close...so close...we've been standing at the door knocking, only to be thrown back out to continue circling. When will the walls fall? When do our trumpets sound? Will it be fertility drugs that knock the walls down? Will it be more intensive treatment such as artificial insemination or donor eggs or *gulp* adoption? When does this never-ending circle end?
It must look ridiculous to a fly on the wall to watch us do some of the things infertile couples do. Sex during fertile times is about the farthest thing from romantic a married couple can get. I take medications and take frequent trips to the fertility clinic where they analyze my blood and my ovaries and my uterus. I take my temperature every morning and pee on sticks to determine just when it's the right time. We discuss things like whether or not to go away for weekends because we might miss a window, or I might have to go to the fertility clinic for monitoring. Yes, we probably look like crazy people. But these are things that we believe God has asked us to do. He has asked us to put our trust in Him, and He has led us down this path. We haven't made any decisions about fertility treatments without first praying and asking God what He wanted us to do. Have we always made the right choice? I honestly have no idea. But somehow God continues to lead us through it.
Unlike the Israelites, who were told it would happen for them on the 7th time around, we don't know what time will be ours. But we keep walking. We keep moving on and having faith. I don't know why God has asked us to fight this battle...perhaps I'll never know. I don't know why we can't get through the fortress of fertility or how many times we will have to circle that fortress until we are finally allowed to enter. What I do know is God is always with us, and He will never abandon us. Sometimes God gives us solutions that make no sense, and that we never would have expected. I know He will work it out somehow. Maybe my idea of it working out and God's idea of working it out are different. Our pastor shared a wonderful quote on Sunday that helped to put things in perspective:
"Jesus will always give you what you would have prayed for if you knew everything He knows." -Timothy Keller
Obviously, I don't know what Jesus knows about my life or my situation. Nobody does. But I still believe that fortress will come down somehow. It has to. I can't live the rest of my life like this.
A dear friend gave me this scripture yesterday:
"We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but NEVER ABANDONED by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed." - 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (NLT)
GOD WILL NEVER ABANDON YOU. No matter what your struggle, how bad your pain is, or how tough your battle. He will NEVER LEAVE YOU. Sometimes, that is the only comfort I have to hold on to. As you circle your own Jericho, waiting for your own walls to fall down, God is walking with you. He knows your struggles, and He knows your heart. And the beautiful thing is, He already knows how and when it will work out. Just keep walking.
And of course, I simply cannot write a blog about the Battle of Jericho without including the song! My favorite arrangement from my elementary chorus director days. How appropriate that this video is of kids singing it when my Jericho is trying to have children! Enjoy! ;-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji-0CjCKHi8
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