The Tears Behind the Smile

Someone told me recently that they admire my attitude during this infertility process. Meaning (I think) that they admire how I've been able to find the bright spots in this journey and show gratitude for things I normally wouldn't. Oh, if they only knew! If they only knew how many times I've cried myself to sleep. How sometimes even the sight of anything baby-related brings tears to my eyes. How the smallest thing can turn into a gigantic emotional breakdown. If they only knew the fortress I've had to build around my heart to prevent it from breaking even further. The conversations I've had to excuse myself from because they were too much to handle. How I struggle to be happy for pregnant women and newborn babies. Oh yes, if they only knew the flood of tears that were being held back by that smile.

From a fairly early age I learned to put on a happy face when life got my down. My very first job was a ride operator at Hersheypark, where I learned to be "Hersheypark Happy" even when I was having a bad day. Tourists don't care what's going on in your life, they just want to enjoy their vacation. And it was my job to make sure that happened. After college I went on to be a music teacher. There's very little room for having a bad day when you're in front of a room full of eager young faces ready to learn. It is the teacher's job to be positive and encouraging. It's no business of the students' how bad your life is at that moment. I lived through a school tragedy where I had to be strong for my students mourning the loss of their classmates, and put my own sorrows aside until the students left and I could get in my car and cry all the way home. And now as a Mary Kay consultant, it is important to be positive always for my customers so that I can provide the best possible customer service for them. Even as a worship leader at my church, it is important to stay positive as we draw the congregation into worship. Yes, I am very experienced at putting on a happy face when I am feeling the complete opposite.

I quite often wonder if there are tears behind a person's smile when I talk to them. Maybe it's because the past couple years have been filled with tears of my own. I also wonder if people can see that my smile is fake, or if they think I'm genuinely happy. Have I had moments of genuine happiness over the past year? Of course I have! I have so many things to be grateful for and so many people and things that bring happiness into my life. But there are sometimes when I don't know if it's possible anymore to be genuinely happy without that nagging, sinking feeling inside me. There are days when my emptiness consumes me. Some days are filled with more tears than others.

But perhaps my friend was on to something when they spoke of my attitude. I saw a quote once that said something like life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. Your attitude can make a BIG difference. So I choose to focus on the positive things in my life. Those good things that keep me going. My husband, my niece and nephews, my amazing friends, my cats (yes, my cats!), my music, and so much more. There are days when I fail at this miserably, and fall back down into the deep abyss of sorrow, swimming through my lake of tears. And that's OK. Sometimes you just have to let it all out. Sometimes the world throws so many things at you all at once and you just need to sit and cry. But I often feel like I can't cry in front of people, so I put on my Hersheypark Happy face and act like all is well and good with the world. How does one find that balance between happiness and sharing your sorrow?

I invite you to cry. Whatever is going on in your life, whatever your current struggle, just give yourself the time to sit and cry. It's ok. You don't always have to be strong. It's ok to be weak when life gets the best of you. And after you've cried, reach down and find the smile behind the tears. It's there, you just have to reach for it. Because behind all those tears is a God who loves you and will never leave you. He knows sorrow. He knows the greatest sorrow of losing a child, as He gave up His only son for you. And He still loves you and He still loves this world, despite how humans make every attempt to hurt Him. And when you find this inner peace that God gave you, and you find that smile behind all those tears, maybe, just maybe, that smile can be a genuine happiness...even if only for a moment.