What if it Doesn't?

"It will happen." If I could count the number of times I've heard this phrase (or some version of it) in the past two years, I'd be rich. Filthy rich. I'd be living in a giant mansion on the top of a hill overlooking a gorgeous view without a care in the world. The harsh reality is though, that when you are struggling with infertility you are facing the very real possibility that it WON'T happen. My body does not function the way it is supposed to. I did not choose for my body to be this way, but it is nonetheless. The possibility of me getting pregnant without medical intervention is pretty much slim to none...and even then there are no guarantees. So why do people feel the need to tell me "It will happen" when neither they nor I really know that to be true?

I know people are just trying to be helpful, comforting me with some sort of optimism. Many people have quoted "God's plan" to me...but what if God's plan doesn't include children? What then? How do I, after wanting children my entire life, come to terms with that? It is always in the back of my mind and something I wrestle with every day.

Every month is another reminder that my body is failing me. Every month I face decisions about things that most of the rest of the world doesn't even know exist, or if they do they know little about. I have a friend who has had four failed artificial inseminations. I have another friend who, after years of treatments and several failed in-vitro attempts, gave up on having biological children and adopted. Recently, I read a book written by a women who has been trying for over 10 years and finally came to the acceptance that she would never have children. This is reality for us infertile people.

So when you tell a couple struggling with infertility that "it will happen," as well-meaning as those words may be, they are often hurting more than helping. At least that's my experience. Have I lost all hope that I'll ever be a mother? No. Not yet. I still WANT to believe that "it will happen." But as the months go by and I'm still not holding a baby in my arms, that hope starts to fade. I am a firm believer in God and His plan, but I don't yet know if His plan for me includes children. I hope and pray that it does...but if it doesn't, that will be something I will have to eventually come to terms with. That is not easy.

What DO you say? Well, sometimes nothing. Sometimes people just want someone to listen, no matter what struggle they are facing. We are such a problem-solving society that we immediately feel the need to put a Band-Aid on every situation. We have to justify someone's situation, we have to compare it to everyone else's and tell someone's story of this that or the other thing. We have to ask a million questions to get to the bottom of things. All this has a time and a place. If a struggling person wants to go into detail, let them take the lead. It's ok to ask questions and try to problem solve when warranted. But sometimes...sometimes the best thing you can say to someone is "I love you and I am praying for you."

Those words mean more to me than anything else. Just LOVE. Just PRAY. Just allow them to BE wherever they ARE, however they FEEL.

Blessings,

Adrianne