How to Talk to Your Infertile Friends

There are so many things I want to write about, I have a list that keeps growing. But I feel like this needs to come first. I've come to realize that we infertile people are a small and specialized group. Infertility is a lonely place. Those of us struggling with infertility are faced with decisions that the majority of the world never has to think about, and discuss options that most people don't even know exist. We have our own language of acronyms and sayings. It is difficult for us to discuss what we are going through with people who have never been there, because while they are well-meaning people they just have no clue as to all that is involved in the world of infertility. Many times when I am discussing my infertility journey with people I end up spending most of the time explaining the various things we have done, or will be doing, the options and exactly what this medication or this procedure does, etc. etc. It is exhausting when all you want to do is cry on someone's shoulder.

While most of our friends are well-meaning people, I have been told some pretty crazy things in the past couple years. I don't blame people (well, most of them anyway. I have heard some hurtful things from people who should know better, but I digress). In any situation, people who have not been in your shoes probably don't know how to handle talking to you. So I've put together a list of  "do's and don'ts" when talking to your infertile friends. I give you this list with love, in hopes that you will have a better understanding of what it's like to hear these things and in turn be a more compassionate person toward them (not that you aren't compassionate already, I am sure you are!). But like I said, infertility is a very lonely and VERY emotional place to be.

So first, here are some things you can do to help your infertile friend:

LISTEN.
Sometimes all we need is a friendly ear. Even if you can't possibly understand where we are coming from, just listening can mean the world to someone.

BE COMPASSIONATE.
You have to understand that we are struggling with the most natural thing in the world - creating life. God created us to procreate, and for whatever reason we are having trouble doing what God created our bodies to do. That is a difficult thing to swallow (and when I get to heaven, it's going to be my very first question!). Be compassionate about your friend's struggles, and give them grace when they fall off the deep end (which can happen at any given moment...especially right after she's had yet another negative pregnancy test).

RESPECT THEIR CHOICES.
Respect that your friend can't handle certain situations right now. When she tells you that she can't handle going to your baby shower, or your kid's first birthday party, or will break down if she walks down the baby aisle at Target, just say "ok" and leave it at that. Celebrations of babies and children are just about unbearable when you're going through infertility. If she can't handle discussing babies and children, change the subject. Also, please please please respect the choices they are making regarding fertility treatments. When it comes to having a family, only the parents have the right to make the decisions about how they will bring children into this world. No one else but their fertility doctor has the right to voice their opinion on the matter. You may or may not agree with what they are doing, but please keep it to yourself. Chances are you've never been in their position, and never had to face their decisions.

PRAY FOR THEM.
When people ask me how they can help, most of the time I tell them just to pray for us. It means so much more to me that someone is praying for us than anything else, and I will be more apt to talk to you about it if I know you are invested in praying for me. Keep your infertile friend in your prayers - pray for guidance in the decisions they have to make, for emotional health, and for comfort when they have a miscarriage or infant loss.


Ok, now here's what NOT to say and/or do to your infertile friend:

DON'T OFFER ADVICE UNLESS ASKED.
I cannot tell you how much unwarranted advice I have gotten in the past two years. People want to tell me how they got pregnant in 3 months, or what diet they ate, or what sexual position is best, and yadda yadda yadda. Someone always has a story of someone they know who struggled to get pregnant and now has 5 kids because they did (blank). They ask me if I've done this that or the other thing. Trust me, we've tried it all. We have a team of fertility specialists working with us who have helped thousands of couples get pregnant. They know what they're doing, and we trust them. Please don't make our decisions any more complicated by offering your non-expert advice.

DON'T TELL US TO RELAX.
Relaxing is impossible when going through fertility treatments. We are at the fertility clinic at least once a week getting blood taken or having internal ultrasounds, getting poked and prodded in all sorts of places by all sorts of people. Then we're told exactly what days (and sometimes even what times) we have to get it on with our husbands, and sometimes there are shots involved that we have to administer ourselves (or our husbands have to give us). Some of your friends may be trying to get pregnant by artificial insemination or in-vitro fertilization. There is nothing relaxing about trying to get pregnant in a doctor's office or lab. Nothing at all.

DON'T MENTION ADOPTION
If your friend is going through fertility treatments, it means that they haven't given up on having their own biological children. Adoption may be in back of their mind (and they may have even researched it), but they are not ready to go that route yet. Most adoption agencies won't let infertile couples adopt until they have stopped fertility treatments, so for your infertile friend to consider adopting, it means they have to come to terms with the fact that they will never give birth to a child biologically. It takes a long time, and a lot of prayer, to get to that place.

DON'T CRACK JOKES ABOUT IT.
While comments like "do you need some sperm?" or "you can have my eggs" or "you want my kids?" or the worst one "are you sure you want kids?" may seem harmless, they hit us like a knife through the heart. No, I don't want your kids. I want my own. I don't want your eggs, I want mine to work they way they're supposed to. Am I sure I want kids? No, I'm going through all these tests and treatments (some of them quite painful), taking meds that make me crazy, crying my eyes out every single month when I'm not pregnant, because I'm just not sure I want to have kids. Don't be insensitive.

DON'T SAY "AT LEAST YOU KNOW YOU CAN GET PREGNANT" AFTER A MISCARRIAGE.
I heard this phrase from more people than I care to count after both of my miscarriages. In fact, after the first miscarriage it was one of the first things the doctor said to me (not my fertility doctor). How insensitive!!! Yes, I know I CAN get pregnant. I've been pregnant twice...but I've never made it past 8 weeks. Getting pregnant doesn't do me a whole lot of good if I can't carry a baby to term, now does it? If my body is incapable of carrying and delivering a live, healthy baby, then I'd rather never get pregnant again. I don't want to live the horror of losing a baby for the 3rd time. So yes while it's true I can get pregnant, I don't need anyone to remind me that my body has failed me in pregnancy twice.

ABOVE ALL, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS, DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR KIDS OR YOUR PREGNANCY!!!
If you don't listen to anything of my other advice, listen to this. I am constantly bombarded by people complaining about their kids. I use the "hide" button on Facebook very liberally because people seem to think it's a forum to b*%# about what their kids are doing, or how they can't stand being pregnant anymore. Look, I have more friends with kids than not. I get that parenting is difficult. I know there are bad days that you want to throw your kids out the window. When I am a mom, I am sure I'll have those days too. My sister had two very difficult pregnancies and was on bed rest for most of them, I get that pregnancy isn't a walk in the park and can wreak havoc on your body. But you know what? I would LOVE to have those kids you complain about. I would LOVE to have every ache and pain you ever had while pregnant if it meant having my own baby. I can't wait to be up every hour throughout the night because my baby won't sleep, and feel like a zombie for 6 months. I don't care how difficult my pregnancy is, or how difficult my kids are. I just want them. So complain all you want to someone else, just don't complain to your infertile friend. Please.

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As I was writing this list, I realized that this list of do's and don'ts could be applied to anyone going through difficult times. If your friend has cancer, don't complain to them about stubbing your toe. If your friend lost his or her job, don't complain to them about not having the money to buy an iPad. We all have our struggles, and it is most important to LISTEN and BE COMPASSIONATE. Remember in my first blog, I said that everyone has a story, and until you take the time to listen you'll never know why someone is the way they are. It may sound cliche, but God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. Advice is warranted when someone asks for it. This is something that I need to work on myself, as I am a person who likes to help others. I am sure I have offered unwanted advice more than once! But isn't it beautiful that God made us all imperfect in our own ways, and that life is a continuing journey of learning and experiencing?

I hope this list has helped to shed some light on what is going through the mind of a person struggling with infertility. Hopefully it will help you to be a more compassionate person to your infertile friends, and to anyone in general who is facing a struggle. It is always best to think before your speak! In general, being a good listener and being compassionate to someone facing a struggle is the best thing you can do, even if you can't understand it. HOPE is found amidst our struggles when we are surrounded with compassionate people to lean on.

Blessings,

Adrianne