The past month or so has been difficult. Until recently, I was in a low place and keeping mostly to myself. I was beginning to lose all hope that I'd ever be a mother. I've regained some of that hope, with a heavy dose of skepticism attached. We went through another insemination (IUI) cycle that failed, and that sent me into a pretty deep depression for about a week. We had another consult with our fertility doctor to discuss where to go from here, and during that consult was given a new sense of hope that this fight is not over yet. God hasn't told us NO yet. So we press on and pray for His guidance.
What God HAS told us is that it's time to take a break from all this insanity. During our last treatment cycle, I kept getting this nagging feeling that if I didn't get pregnant this time we needed to take a break for a cycle. Not-so-coincidentally, we were forced to take a break as our doctor wanted to meet with us and regroup and discuss our options. It was the best thing that could've happened to me. I simply needed time to be "normal" again. To not have to live by the calendar, to not rearrange my schedule for doctor's visits, to not have my one good vein abused several times a week and not have someone looking up my skirt at my ovaries again. The physical exhaustion is just as bad as the emotional exhaustion. And I am exhausted. WE are exhausted. It's a monthly reminder that we're not parents yet, and this month with Christmas fast approaching there's enough other stuff to give us that reminder. I don't need needles and ultrasound wands and medications to remind me right now, too.
It's very freeing not having a care in the world about when your next doctor's visit will be, or when your husband will have to take the morning off work again because it's "go time." I don't know how long this break will last. It might be just one month, it might be more. But what I do know is God has been telling us to rest and to focus on our own health. Both my husband and I have seen our bodies change over the past year (mine more than his). It has not been a good year for us emotionally, and that shows in our appearance. We recently made a commitment to each other to start eating better and going back to the gym regularly (a place neither of us have seen in quite some time). And I don't have to worry about exercising too hard because it's around ovulation time, or taking meds that cause me to gain weigh, or not eating or drinking something because there may or may not be a baby inside me. AHHHH! It's just all too much sometimes!
I think just about every couple who has gone through fertility treatments has taken a break at some point. And that's ok. We need it. We are no good to ourselves when we press on under tremendous emotional and physical stress. Sometimes it's ok, as bad as you may want something, to say "not now." I have no doubt that Sean and I will be parents eventually, whenever and however God chooses for that to happen for us. I didn't have that dream years ago for no reason. God didn't place it on my heart the desire to be a mother for nothing. He is in control, and He will decide when and how the time is right. It's not easy to remember that all the time. Heck, sometimes it's downright impossible. I admit I have plenty of screaming matches with God over my struggle to become a mother. That's OK too. God still loves all of us. We don't stop loving those we care about just because they get mad at us, do we? Neither does God. I have to remind myself of this frequently.
And I admit I have not been listening to God much lately. Rather, I've been yelling at him, asking him "WHY?" and trying to come up with my own solutions. A couple weeks ago I told Sean that's it, we're adopting and sent for info from several agencies. Now I'm not so sure about that...not yet, anyway. I started listening this week, and a sense of calm finally came over me. God is in control. "Relax, Ade," He says, "I've got this all taken care of." You see, God already knows the outcome of this struggle. He knows the outcome of all of your struggles, too. Isn't that wonderful? Sometimes I think, when you're about to go through a trial in your life, God is up there in heaven saying "this is going to hurt, I know. It will hurt me seeing you go through it more than it will hurt you. But I promise it is for a reason and it will all be worth it in the end, you'll see."
God loves you, and He has a plan for you. The more you soak yourself in His presence and submit to His plan for your life, the more at peace you will be. I know it isn't always easy, believe me, I know! But it is worth every small glimpse of peace you may get, even if only for a second.
Blessings,
Adrianne
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