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When God asks something of you

It seems appropriate that today's post is about sacrifice, as today is the first day of Lent. 10 days ago I made a decision to stop eating gluten, dairy, soy, and processed sugars. This decision has been a long time coming, and the series of events that led up to the final decision were truly divine.

Do you ever have moments when you feel God speaking to you? I try to look for God's direction in every aspect of my life; through other people, things I read, things that happen to me, etc. Towards the beginning of this year I felt God starting to whisper in my ear about changing my diet. First it was a blog post by another infertility blogger I follow. Then it was a conference call. And finally, a book I was reading late one night. It all sort of fell into place quickly and then I knew - it was time to give up some of the foods I love. But not just for Lent, for much longer. Maybe even forever.

Women with PCOS struggle a lot with diet. Our bodies do not respond to certain foods in the same way that a "normal" body does. There are certain foods that wreak havoc on our bodies, spike our blood sugar, inhibit insulin production, and make our hormones go wild (as if we need any more help with that!). I have done loads of research on diet and PCOS over the years, and I've dabbled in different diets. It's not that I don't know what works for my body...it's that I'm too darn stubborn to give up the unhealthy foods that I love! I wanted to keep eating them because darn it! Other people can so why can't I? I LOVE sugar and carbs and I especially love cheese! It's not fair that I should have to give them up - or is it?

I recently read a book titled Greater by Steven Furtick. It is a quick but excellent read and really makes you think. I highly recommend it! As I was reading this book, I also read a blog post about being obedient and giving up the things that God has asked you to and having faith, even when it doesn't make sense. This particular blogger, a fellow PCOS sister, had decided to give up gluten and dairy and wrote about how it made a huge impact on her health. It got me thinking. And then I was on a conference call with some fellow businesswomen discussing similar things - making small sacrifices to obtain big rewards, listening and being obedient to what God is telling us to do. It was then that I thought, "maybe God is trying to tell me something?"

And then, after several more signs came my way, I had my "a ha" moment. I was reading Greater one night, and Furtick was talking about the story of Naaman in the Bible. He had Leprosy, and said he would do anything to be healed...except he refused to do the one thing that he was told to do; bathe in the Jordan river. And Furtick asked the question (I'm paraphrasing) what is the one thing that God has asked you to do that you refuse to do?

Ouch. That stings, doesn't it?

I instantly knew the answer. It was as if the Holy Spirit and reached down from heaven and smacked me upside the head. In that very moment I knew that I knew that I knew it was time to make a drastic change to my diet. It wasn't going to be easy, but it was going to be worth it.

You see, for over 4 years now I have said I would do anything to have a baby. I'd give up anything to hold that precious bundle of joy in my arms. But would I really? Was I really being honest with myself? The sad truth is no, I wasn't. Because it was easier to throw money at the problem. It was easier to take supplements and medication and consult with fertility doctors and give myself shots and hope to find a solution that didn't involve me giving up my favorite foods. Sure I've toyed around with several diets over the past 4 years, but I've never REALLY been serious about it. Not until now. Because you know what? It's time to be honest with myself. It's time to give up the one thing that God has been asking me to give up all along. Besides, nothing else has worked! I have nothing to lose, right?

So I prayed. I asked God to give me the strength to give up the things I need to. I asked forgiveness for being so stubborn and not listening to Him all these years. I asked for guidance and a sense of peace in my decision. I asked Him for the strength to say no to the things I needed to say no to. And I thanked Him for putting the people and circumstances in my path over the past few weeks that led me to this decision.

I have now been eating a gluten-free, dairy-free, soy-free, low-sugar diet for 10 days. And you know what? I actually feel really good! Not just physically, but mentally and spiritually as well. And you know the funny thing? I don't feel like I've sacrificed anything! Perhaps it's because I know that I am doing what God wants me to do. I have finally let go of my selfish stubbornness and submitted to God's will and it feels great! I know this isn't always going to be easy (because let's be real here. I have a huge weakness for baked goods and cheese), but I know in the end it will be worth it. And for once, I don't feel like I'm on a diet at all. I haven't even noticed what I'm missing, because I don't feel like I'm missing anything (ask me this again after I go on a business trip next month to one of my favorite cities and all its glorious foods! HA!).

For some, it may seem silly that I'm making such a big deal out of food. But for me, someone who struggles with an eating disorder and food addiction, this is a HUGE step. I am truly making a small sacrifice for something greater. Because if this sacrifice results in me getting pregnant and holding a precious baby in my arms, I don't think I'll really care about how many cupcakes I missed out on or the cheese dip I passed up at the last party, or how I'm more careful about what I order at a restaurant. Nope, I imagine none of that will matter much. And can I tell you something? I know without a doubt that this is the right thing for me. I know that this sacrifice is getting me one step closer to holding that sweet baby in my arms. How do I know? Because for once, I've actually listened and obeyed God's orders, and I feel so convicted that He has asked this of me. I am at complete peace with this decision, and my oh my it feels good!

So now I ask you - what is the one thing in your life that you KNOW God has asked you to do and/or sacrifice that you keep refusing? What's that one thing you'd do anything for - except the one thing that God is asking you to do?

Pray about it, meditate on it, and ask God for the strength to act on it. Chances are you already know what it is, and you've been pushing it to the back of your mind like I did. If that's the case, then bring it forward and force yourself to face it. It's a scary thing to do, but I promise you will feel so much better when you deal with it. And when you do, lean into God and immerse yourself in His power. Things like these are impossible to do alone, but the wonderful thing is, you don't have to!

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." -Philippians 4:13 (NLT)

A New Calling

Well friends, I've been promising you a big announcement is coming and I don't want to disappoint! We've been waiting for all the i's to be dotted and t's to be crossed before making this public announcement.

My husband and I are going to be foster parents!

This has been a long time coming. We started the approval process back in the spring. We had hoped to start fostering by the fall but life got in the way. My grandma passed away, we got a puppy (he's an adorable little devil), we added a bathroom to our house...

Anyway, that's the big news! How did we get here? Well, that's a long story. Had you asked me a year ago if I'd ever considered being a foster parent, I would've told you no way. I've taught in low-income schools, where I saw many foster children and how it affected them. My mom was a child psychiatric nurse for over 20 years and I have heard the stories. I was warned over and over that taking in troubled children would wreak havoc on my life, and I should leave that up to someone else.

Well, my husband and I are that someone else.

About two years ago, right around the time we were considering starting fertility treatments, my husband and I had a conversation about adoption. We did a lot of research, and even went so far as to meet with two agencies. However, as we were going through this process and saw the gigantic price tag for a private infant adoption, we decided to give fertility treatments a try. After several failed fertility treatments we again considered adoption...but again, the price tag was just too much for us to stomach (for those that don't know, we're talking on average $30,000-40,000 once all is said and done). Yes, funding is available and yes, you get a lot back with the adoption tax credit. But there is also a requirement for most adoption agencies that you stop trying for a biological child if your reason for adopting is infertility. And that was the nail in the coffin for us. We don't want to give up on that, not yet, not ever. Not until my body has had its final menstural cycle and there is absolutely no possible way I can conceive a biological child. And I still have more than a few years to go until we cross that bridge. ;-) We both know several people who have adopted through private agencies and we and are in full support of their decision! But for us, it just wasn't right. So instead, we bought a house. :-)

So let's fast forward to spring 2015. We originally had plans to go back to the fertility clinic at the end of the summer. But, something inside me just didn't feel that was the right thing to do. Not yet.

Then one Sunday morning there was an ad in our church bulletin for a local foster agency in need of foster families. A fleeting thought passed through my mind, "what if we did this?" The ad stayed in our church bulletin for several more weeks. Each week, I found myself thinking about it more and more. I got online and researched the agency, and several others (because, why not?). And then I finally brought it up to my husband - "what if?"

We talked about it. We Weighed all the pros and cons. We went to an information meeting, and next thing we knew we were in orientation. Our heads were swirling with information and we were learning about things we hardly knew existed. It was crazy! Through this process, I have learned so much. My perspective on foster parenting and the whole foster care system in general has changed. There are so many stigmas associated with it...but that's a whole other blog post!

The approval process was nerve-wracking. The agency dug deep into our personal lives and got to know who we really are. We had to get references and write things about ourselves and answer very personal questions. We had to prepare our home for inspection, and think about safety protocols that normal families don't necessarily think about.

On the day of our home study, I was more nervous than I had been on my wedding day! Here a social worker was coming into our home to inspect it, ask us lots of very personal questions, and decide whether or not we were fit to be parents. And since we were also seeking approval to potentially adopt, it was even more intense. Every aspect of our lives was analyzed. Old wounds were opened. All this to potentially provide a temporary home to a child in need who, if all goes well, we might even get to call our own someday.

So now, we wait. I've been getting pretty good at waiting over the years, but this time it's a little different. We don't know if we'll get a call today or tomorrow or next month. It all depends on what comes through the agency and if the powers that be think a particular child would be a good fit for our family. In other words, it is completely out of our hands.

Friends, could I ask you to pray for us during this time? God has put a calling on our hearts that is so great, yet so overwhelming. It is exciting and terrifying and wildly unpredictable. Our lives have already changed so much, and that is before we even have a child in our home! This is a difficult road that many people don't...can't travel. We were told several times in our trainings that if God has not clearly called you to be a foster parent, then don't do it. But we do believe He has called us to this and that He has equipped us. Because God does not call the equipped! He equips the called!

We have a lot of love to give, and our goal is to show at least one child that the world is not a horrible place. There is love, there is Christ, there is hope and redemption. Perhaps God has been preparing us for this all along. It is going to be an adventure like no other, but in the end I truly believe it will be the best thing we ever did.

I, of course, will be blogging about our foster parenting journey. I'll share as much as I am legally allowed to. :-) Maybe you have felt this calling on your heart, too. If you have, please listen to it. There are so many children who are in need of good homes. I am happy to talk to you about it and help navigate through the process.

"May He equip you with all you need for doing His will. May He produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to Him. All the glory to Him forever and ever! Amen." -Hebrews 13:21 (NLT)

What a difference a year makes

I love the Timehop app. I think it's really neat to be able to see exactly what you were doing, or what was going through your mind, on this day years ago. It's also neat to see how much you have changed over the years. At the top of my Timehop this morning was a day I spent with my grandma a year ago. It was fun, and tearful, to reminisce spending time with her.

As I scrolled down there were some other memories (something about cats and laser pointers - I'm sure that was fun!), and then there was a memory of going to a bridal show 5 years ago. I was engaged to my husband at the time, and loved going to bridal shows, scoping out vendors, and of course getting free stuff. ;-) I remember that season of my life being on of the happiest! Being engaged, planning your wedding, and knowing that you had finally found "the one" is an exhilarating time in life.

I kept scrolling, and the last Timehop memory that appeared was six years ago.

It read: "is beginning to wonder if it's ever going to be her turn."

(side note: this must've been back when we all still talked about ourselves in 3rd person on Facebook). But I know what this memory is about. I had just turned 30 a week prior to this status update. I was still single, and hadn't been on a date since my previous engagement ended badly 3 years before that. Most of my friends were already married (I had been to many weddings without a date), many of them were already starting families. And here I was, alone with very little hope that I would ever find anyone. For the moment, I had forgotten God's promise and was laying pity on myself for not being married...or even having a boyfriend.

But would you believe that about a month later, on Valentine's Day, I went on my first date with my husband? Crazy, right!? A couple months later we were talking about getting married, and 8 months later we were engaged! And then a year later I was rounding up free goodies at a bridal show.

What a difference a year makes.

I'm sure you can imagine how I felt at age 30 being the single one among lots of married friends. I felt alone. I felt forgotten. I didn't understand why God would let other people get married and not me. I'm a good person! I do everything right! What's wrong with me?? WHY NOT ME?!? I was angry, confused, and hurting. But God had promised me a husband. I remember one night collapsing on my bed in tears, crying out to God, angry that I hadn't found a husband yet. And in that moment, I heard an audible voice say, "don't worry, he's coming." It startled me and reassured me at the same time. If I could go back and talk to 30 year old me, I'd tell her to be patient. I'd tell her to hold on to that voice that told you he was coming...because he was. He did. God always delivers on His promises. Sometimes, often times, His timeline is different than ours.

A couple years after my husband and I were married I found myself in the same angry, lonely, forgotten place. But this time it was not having the baby we so desired. 36 year old me is wondering when it will be her turn to be a mom. 36 year old me is sometimes angry, confused, and crying out to God WHY NOT ME?!? But I know that God made me a promise years ago. I KNOW that I will have a daughter. And it may not happen today, or tomorrow, or next month, or even next year. But it WILL happen. Because God promised me it would, and God ALWAYS keeps His promises!

I'm getting better at it, slowly. The other day a friend told me his girlfriend is pregnant, unexpectedly of course. And I was happy for him. Truly happy! It's been a long time since I could be truly happy for someone who got pregnant without trying. Did I still have a twinge of jealousy? You bet I did. Did I was it was me making that announcement? Of course. But I was able to take the news without tears, and congratulate my friend with no hard feelings, and even pray for them. That is major progress. I never thought I'd be able to get to that point.

But while the tears still sometimes flow, and I still get angry and have tantrums that can rival a toddler, I also know that God is working on our miracle. And some day...maybe it will even be next year...I'll scroll through my Timehop app and see a day when I was frustrated with infertility. And then I'll see a post of my newborn baby, or a fun day with my kids. And I'll remember being in this place and how the struggle changed who I am.

And I'll remember that it was all worth it. My husband was well worth the wait. My kids will be well worth the wait, too. And when they're old enough I'll tell them all about our struggles, and I'll tell them the same thing I told my husband: If I had to go back and do it all again to be with you, I would. Because you are worth every single tear, and every moment of struggle.

Reflections on a difficult 2015...and hope for the new year

Well hello again blog reading friends! It's been a long time. I took a break from blogging for a few months. It wasn't intentional really, I've been consumed with other things. 2015 was a rough year, but I am ready to put it behind me and move on into 2016. Are you ready?

There's just something about opening a fresh new planner at the beginning of the year. It is completely empty, unmarked by the previous year's disappointments. It is free from heartache, cancelled plans, and unreached goals. A clean slate. A chance to start over. On those fresh, blank pages lie endless possibilities. What will you do? Where will you go? What surprises will lurk in those pages this year? What story will you write? I simply love leafing through those blank pages, wondering what will fill them, imagining what my life will be like in the coming months. I love to set new goals and have hope for a better year. Ahhh. It is so refreshing. So full of hope.

2015 was a difficult year for me. It started the first week of January and never let up. My grandma, with whom I was very close, fell in January and it began a downward spiral. The next six months would be a wild rollercoaster. In June, Jesus finally called her home. While I was at peace with her passing, knowing that she had lived a good life and was ready to go, I was also devastated. I realized that it doesn't matter if a death is sudden and tragic, or if you've known it was coming for a long time. To those left behind, it hurts. It changes you. You find yourself lost, searching for a way to go on without your loved one, trying to find a new normal. You gain friends, you lose friends. Death can bring out the worst in people.

I've been wanting to write about my grandma's passing for a while...but I just haven't found the right words to say. I have at least 5 blog posts sitting in my drafts folder, all unfinished. None of them with quite the right words to describe how special she was to me, how amazing of a person she was. Perhaps the right words will come this year and I'll be able to share with the world about her incredible life and the many lives she touched. But for now, I continue to search for the new normal, to muster through all the holidays and special moments with watery eyes, remembering the immeasurable joy she brought to my life.

There were other things that happened in 2015, but to be honest I don't remember much else. I know there were wins and losses, victories and failures. I set goals that I didn't achieve. I was going to lose weight, my husband and I were going to revisit the fertility clinic. Neither of those things really happened. Truth be told, I spent most of the year so consumed with family stuff that we barely thought about trying for a baby again. What little effort we did make, whether it be healthy eating or baby making or anything else, it was half-hearted. There wasn't much room for anything else this year.

This is why I am so happy to pick up that blank planner today. It feels refreshing. Those crisp, white, untouched pages are filled with hope. Hope for a better year, for a chance to write a new story, to live a life filled with joy and a sense of accomplishment. Today is completely untarnished. Anything can happen. It feels like a huge dose of grace has just been poured over me, allowing me to forget the past and move forward.

As you've probably noticed, I've changed the name of my blog to "Living in Your Grace." Why the change? Because WAITING for grace just didn't seem right to me. We don't have to wait for God's grace - it's already here! This started as an infertility blog, and I will still write about our journey, but it has morphed into more than that. And while we wait for the child that God has promised to us, we will live in the grace He gives us NOW. Every day He showers us with His grace. There are stories of grace to be told as we travel this road and continue to praise Him. There are victories to be celebrated along this road, and there are moments when we will really need His grace. Even though our child is not yet here, God's grace IS.

I wish all of you dear readers a wonderful 2016. My hope is that it is better than 2015. There will be ups and downs, victories and defeats. But know this - there is a God who loves you more than you can imagine, and He will walk with you through all the hills and valleys this year. He will show you grace when you need it most, and even when you don't deserve it. Because He is just that awesome!

Go make 2016 a good year friends!

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9

Finding God at the Office

I'm not much of a believer in coincidences. I believe that God puts us in exactly the right place at exactly the right time, whether we want to recognize it or not. Sometimes, when we think we're supposed to do one thing, God has a different plan that unfolds. Today was one of those days.

Today was a slow day at work. This morning my boss was in meetings and didn't have much work for me to do, so I sat around doing nothing for most of the morning. Now if you know me, you know that sitting around doing nothing isn't exactly my thing. I need to be doing something. Always. I couldn't have my cell phone because A. it was in my boss's office and B. I'm not really supposed to have it while I'm working anyway. So, I was sent to a room to sit and wait for something to do (this sort of thing drives me insane). When I walked in the room there was a girl I recognized who works in another part of the building. She had been hurt on the job and put on doctor's restrictions for the next few days. I asked her how she was feeling and she said she was still in some pain. We joked about how getting hurt sucks. She was bored doing mundane busywork...also the type of person who can't sit still. Haha!

We talked for a bit. At first it was the usual stuff...work, the weather, car trouble, etc. Then she asked me if I have kids, and I gave her my usual reply as of late "not yet, but we're trying!" I asked her about her kids and she started talking about them. Then she starting talking about how frustrated she was with her youngest, who she thinks has sensory issues. I'm currently finishing my master's degree in special education and writing my thesis about using music to help kids with Autism. Coincidence that this girl just opened up to me about her daughter who might be on the spectrum? I don't think so! So we talked a bit about sensory issues and resources available and I gave her some (hopefully helpful) advice.

Then she really opened up. I don't know why, maybe the talk about her daughter established a level of trust. But she started talking about her living situation and her fiancé and how it's not a good relationship. She was thinking of leaving him but needed money to take care of her kids, hence the new job. It was like she opened up more with every sentence that came out of her mouth. And I listened. Because it was clear that she needed sometime to talk to. It was clear that she was in a situation she saw no way out of and needed to tell someone about it. It was clear that she needed affirmation that she was doing the right thing for her kids with the decisions she is making. Sometimes all someone needs is a friendly, trustworthy ear.

You see, I can relate to this young girl. I've been at such a low point in my life that I didn't know where to go. I've been engaged to a verbally abusive man who tried to control me. I've been to a place where I saw no way out. When I finally did get out...alone, broke, and nowhere to go but back to my parents...it was one of the scariest moments of my life. But I survived, and I can help other young women who see no way out of a bad relationship. I can help moms who are so stressed with their young kids with special needs that they can't even think straight. I can listen, and give advice when appropriate, and be someone that a person in need can trust.

It had to be divine intervention that we were both but in that very room at that very moment. I was thinking "great I'll be bored all morning" and she was probably thinking it sucked that she got hurt and stuck in an office all day. But God had plans for the both of us this morning, and I'm glad we got to talk. I prayed for this young girl on my way home today. Still this evening our conversation is weighing heavy on my heart. Part of me hopes I have another slow work day next week and she still has to sit in that room and do mundane busywork so we can talk again. But if not, I can rest in the thought that maybe...just maybe...I made a small difference in a young woman's life today. Maybe she'll go home tonight and be a little more patient with her daughter. Maybe she'll finally get the courage to get out of a bad relationship. Maybe, when life keeps throwing punches at her, she'll know that she is not alone and there is someone out there who will listen.

You never know when you will have an influence on someone's life. Take time to listen. Instead of getting frustrated that things aren't going your way, ask God what He is doing in that particular situation. Maybe he's trying to teach you something. Maybe there is someone that needs you more than you need whatever it is you were trying to do. God always puts us in the exactly the right place, at the exactly the right moment, with exactly the right people. How awesome would it be if we embraced that instead of fighting it?

New Level, New Devil

I've been feeling very spiritually attacked lately. Things have been happening...people have been saying things...that just makes me go what the?!? I've been feeling this overwhelming sense of divisiveness among people I know. An overwhelming sense of judgement and hypocrisy and hatred towards others. It saddens me. As I scroll through my Facebook newsfeed and read comments, my stomach turns. People argue with perfect strangers. Make assumptions about people they've never met based on one or two comments. What was once healthy debate has become a game of name-calling and refusal to accept that there may be more than one way to think about things. What has this world come to? The "unfollow" button has been getting many clicks...weeding out those who spew so much negativity I wonder if they ever have a positive thought. On one hand, it's so sad. On the other, I feel the need to guard my own fragile heart from the evils of social media.

In the "real world," outside of social media I feel the enemy trying to attack me more than ever. The enemy sneaks in like a thief in the night, telling us lie after lie over and over until we start to believe it. I've caught myself believing some of those lies lately...and then I say to myself, "what am I doing??" I KNOW that is not true! God himself has told me the truth! I started to believe that my husband and I would never be parents...but then I remembered that God made a promise to me years ago, and that God always keeps his promises. Just because it hasn't happened yet, and just because we are taking a break (again) from trying, doesn't mean that our promise won't be fulfilled. It will be. In God's time. He will bring a child (or children) to us and all this pain, all these excruciating years of waiting, they will all be worth it. I know this. God has promised this.

I have a friend who has a phrase she repeats over and over when she feels the enemy attacking her: "new level, new devil!" she says. She believes (as do I) that when God is about to make something big happen in your life, Satan tries to destroy it. He does everything he can to make sure you don't succeed, that you don't fulfill God's plan. Well there must be something HUGE coming my way, because Satan has been very prominent lately! So much so that I can literally feel evil all around me at times. It's scary and exhilarating at the same time! It means that there are big changes coming my way, that God has a new plan for me and I need to hold steadfast to Him.

I know changes are coming. I've been shown a new potential career opportunity that gets me incredibly excited. It's a process and it won't happen overnight, but it means I'll be making music with kids again...which I know is what I was made to do. My husband and I have also been given another opportunity that we've been praying over. We aren't yet ready to make the specifics public, but could you pray for us friends? Pray that we are able to discern God's plan and submit to his will for our lives and our marriage and family. Pray for the choices we are about to make and the directions we go. It's exciting and scary at the same time, but we feel God may be leading us to a new role in ministry

So yes, new level, new devil indeed! But you know what? God has you. He will take care of you, no matter what. Hold onto your loving God and His word. Pour yourself into Him and He will protect you.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing, and perfect will." -Romans 12:2

The other day I was particularly upset over a stranger calling a relative of mine a "bigoted Christian freak" (or something like that). This is someone I've admired my whole life, and is one of the kindest, most generous people I know. How can someone be so hateful? I truly don't understand. And boy, did the devil enter in and take advantage of that moment! I started questioning everything...I was angry, and hurt, and having my own little temper tantrum/pity party/fight with God in my car. Then a song came on that reminded me that this world isn't what really matters. I am not a slave of this world - I am a servant of the living God. I turned up the volume as loud as I could and sang at the top of my lungs, raising my hand in the air and singing praises to the Almighty. (I probably looked like a total nut case to people driving by, but I didn't care). I felt on top of the world at that very moment! I may have played the song a few more times. Over and over I sang:

I hear a voice and he calls me redeemed
When others say I'll never be enough
And greater is the one living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world.*

Say that again. Out loud.

Greater is the one living inside of me, than he who is living in the world.

My spirit had been lifted, and I remembered that God is the one who matters! It doesn't matter what other people think or say about me! I may not be able to change them, but I can change how I react to them. I can be a person who responds in a loving manner. I can be a person who prays day in and day out. A person who yearns for and pursues a closer relationship with God and doesn't let this world define who she is. YESSSS!!!

God has already redeemed you! YOU. ARE. ENOUGH!!!

And then, my favorite part. The part that brings it all together and reminds me that nothing, no one, is perfect...and that is OK!

There'll be days I lose the battle
Grace says that it doesn't matter
'Cause the cross already won the war*

Ahhhh! Doesn't that just sum it up perfectly?

'Cause the cross already won the war!

Christ has already won! And in turn, YOU have already won! Can you feel it?? Isn't it simply AMAZING???

GOD MATTERS. No one else. Not any person or thing. It's about your relationship with God, and pursuing God's will for your life. It's how you choose to interact with people and how you react to them. It's leaving your life and your sin at the cross, and running into God's arms when Satan tries to pursue you. It's not caring how crazy people think you are because you know what? God is crazy. He is crazy for you and he wants only the best for you. And if you mess up? Guess what? IT'S OK!! God is so gracious that he gave up His only son for you! You don't have to be perfect!


Turn up the volume. Sing your heart out. Raise your hands up in glory. Dance around your living room like a little kid. Relish in the moment and the knowledge that our God is greater...because He has already won.

*lyrics from the song "Greater" by Mercy Me

The Ugly Things People Say

My apologies (once again) for the lack of recent blog posts. Someday I'll learn to be more consistent (or not. It's me we're talking about here).

I've hopped on the blog today because I need to address something. Something I've lost sleep over. Something that turns my stomach to the point I can't stand it. Something that my brain just cannot understand.

Do you know why so many women stay silent about infertility? Aside from the shame of not being able to reproduce, and the stigma surrounding infertility and loss, it really boils down to this:

Because of what people say.

Because of the backlash of horrific comments people make.

Because for whatever reason, when someone is having trouble conceiving, people seem to think that our desire to have children is selfish and unwarranted.

Because people think we should just accept it and not seek help.

Because people are heartless, cruel, and lack compassion for those going through a horrific experience.

I read an excellent article yesterday about why fertility treatments should be covered by insurance (you can read it here). Some (not many) insurances will cover parts of treatment. A rare few will even fully cover them. Most though, will not cover anything. Instead couples are left to scrounge every penny, take out loans and credit cards, and rack up tremendous debt all in the hopes of having what everyone else got for free: a family. The average cost of one cycle of artificial insemination (IUI) is over $1,000. For ONE MONTH. We did two of those. The average cost of in-vitro fertilization (IVF) is over $10,000. EACH. And there are no guarantees. A couple can easily spend upwards of $50,000 and have nothing to show for it. But it is human nature to want to try. A couple who goes through fertility treatments has a very strong desire for children, and would do anything in their power to have a child.

I should really learn not to read comments on articles related to infertility, or any article for that matter. It's bad for my mental health. This society has become a bunch of anonymous jerks hiding behind a computer screen typing out insults to strangers. It's disgusting and it makes me fear for the future of our world. Here are some of the responses to that article that almost made me vomit:

The world is overpopulated and we shouldn't be helping people have kids and causing more population problems.

If you can't naturally conceive and don't want to adopt, you're not fit to be a parent.

Infertility is not a disease and has no effect on a person's health.

If you're infertile, you should just accept it and move on. Not everyone should be able to have kids.

Having insurance coverage for fertility treatments is comparable to covering plastic surgery. It's elective.

I don't want my money going toward people having more kids that are just gonna mess things up.

Infertility treatments cause babies to be born that shouldn't be born and they have multiple health issues because they were conceived through IVF.

And my favorite:
People who go through infertility treatments are mostly wealthy people who have the money anyway.

*sigh*

I am not making these up. I paraphrased, but you can read them for yourself below the article. Disgusting. Repulsive. Bordering on inhuman. None of these comments have any basis in fact either.

I couldn't sleep last night because I just couldn't get my brain to understand how horrible people can be. How cruel and unforgiving this world is. As I was thinking about it again this afternoon (because I haven't been able to let it go) I realized that part of the reason people are so heartless about infertility is because they are so uneducated about it. Most people have no idea how horrible it is to go through, what it all involves, the physical and emotional pain, the yearning for something that is so natural yet so difficult to attain. Perhaps if people were more educated about infertility they wouldn't be so quick to judge and would show more compassion. Perhaps this is why I am so open about it, because I hate seeing people be so cruel to those who are already in so much pain.

I also realized something else.

This world needs Jesus.

More than ever, more people than ever, need Jesus to enter their lives. More people need to know a loving, forgiving, gracious savior. More people need to pour over God's word and look to Him for guidance. More people need to strive to live a more Christ-like life, in a more loving, compassionate manner. Less judgement. Less criticism. More love.

I don't know when exactly we became this world with so much awfulness. There has always been evil in the world, and it will always be here until Jesus returns. But I feel like the way we interact with each other has changed dramatically over my 35 years here on Earth. People used to be more kind, more helpful, less concerned with their own selfishness and more concerned with others' well-being. When did we stop listening to one another? Why must we argue so much and judge people for their believes and decisions? It saddens me that respect no longer seems to be important.

I don't know how to change this...I don't know if it CAN be changed. But what I do know how to do is be as loving, compassionate, and respectful of a person as I can. I know how to model in my own actions how I would want to be treated by others. I know how to put others first, I know how to listen.  And that, well, that's at least a start.

And I know how to pray, and to talk to Jesus about my problems and desires. I know how to pour over God's word and see the truth when the enemy tries to get me to believe lies. I know our God is a loving God and He will not fail me! I am not perfect by any means. Somedays I can be a horrible person too! But thank you Jesus that I don't have to be.

And thank you Jesus that, on those days when I am feeling attacked by horrible words said by people who clearly don't know You, that I can come to you. You will comfort me and hold me, and lay peace on my troubled heart. You will wash away the tears the enemy has brought on me, and remind me that You are the Way, the Truth, and the Life.

Soak in His presence.

When the world troubles you, find peace in the One who made you.

And perhaps even pray for those that don't know Him. Because everyone needs more Jesus. Everyone.

40 Days Without Facebook

Well friends, I did it. I survived 40 days without Facebook. 40 days without scrolling endlessly through my newsfeed, without likes and pictures of cats and gourmet dinners and selfies and strangers getting into virtual arguments. And you know what? It wasn't all that bad. In fact, I found it quite refreshing. To tell you the truth, I wish it would've been longer. On Saturday evening I was actually a bit bummed that I was getting back on Facebook the next day. For a bit I actually considered not reactivating my account. But alas, I did and I'm back.

So why the Facebook fast? Well, leading up to Lent this year I really prayed about what to give up for the 40 days of Lent. Most years I give something up, but it's trivial like chocolate or something. One year I gave up swearing (that one didn't last long! Haha!). But as my faith has grown this past year and my relationship with God continues to change, I really wanted to make this Lenten season sacrificial. I wanted to give up something I rely on, something that would truly be a struggle and would change how I live my every day life. It wasn't until a few days before Lent that the idea to give up Facebook came to me from someone else who attends our church. At first I thought it was impossible. How will I communicate with people that I only talk to through Facebook? What about my business? I do use Facebook quite extensively for business. I also admin a couple groups. What would happen to those? But God kept saying to me, "give it up." And so I obeyed. And I'm glad I did.

I wish I could tell you that during my Facebook-free time I became a completely different person who lost a ton of weight, invented a miracle cure, became a millionaire, found the solution to world peace and discovered the meaning of life...but a las life without Facebook did not solve any world problems. It didn't solve any problems really. But I did learn a few things I'd like to share:

1. I can find plenty of ways to waste time.

At first it was Pinterest. I think I pinned more things in the first week than I have the entire time I've been on Pinterest. Oh the things I was going to do! Yeah, none of those happened. Pinterest became my new newsfeed. I also crocheted a bunch of stuff and signed up for Etsy with the intention of selling crocheted baby hats (I still haven't opened the shop). I also did quite a number working through my Netflix queue. I spent a lot of time planning what I was going to do...but not a lot of time doing it. I don't really think I accomplished any more without Facebook than I did with it.

2. People will freak out that you're not on Facebook

Seriously. It was almost comical the way people reacted. I actually got phone calls and/or text messages from friends asking me why I de-friended and blocked them on Facebook. Really?!? First, I don't play the passive-aggressive game of de-friending and blocking. I talk to people directly if/when I have an issue with them. Second, I did post a status update saying I was deactivating my account until Easter and if you wanted to keep in touch with me, message me for my email/phone #. I got exactly ZERO responses from that post. You would think that if people really wanted to talk to me that don't already have my info, they would've responded. Perhaps people didn't see it, I don't know. But either way, it just goes to show you how differently we communicate these days. When I posted my first status on Easter Sunday, there was a plethora of "I missed you" type comments. I just shook my head. If you really missed me all that much, I have a phone and email. Use it. It all felt so superficial (minus a few folks who just missed my sarcastic updates and I actually talked to during Lent).

3. You will miss some stuff...but most of it is worth missing

Some of the stuff I missed was superficial, like the blue & black/gold & white dress (for the record, I saw blue & black). You won't get some of the jokes on TV because you haven't seen what's gone viral that week (or that day). Oh well. Tomorrow the social media world will be onto something else anyway. Some of it was more serious, like my cousin being in the hospital. Thankfully I have a great family who kept me informed and *gasp* I actually talked to my cousin directly to tell her I was praying for her. You know what I didn't miss? All the negativity. The rants. The hatred for people who don't have the same beliefs as you. The shaming and the defamation. The calling perfect strangers horrible names. And all the other trash that is out there in Facebook land. Nope, I didn't miss all that crap one bit!

4. Facebook is an invaluable business tool

When I decided to give up Facebook I considered just keeping my business maintained, but then decided this had to be an all or nothing thing. I have a business Facebook page and a private group for my preferred customers, and both went away during Lent. I wish now I would've kept them. Normally I would not admit this, but my business took a hit while I was away from Facebook. I never realized how much Facebook really has done for my business. Many of my customers communicate with me via Facebook, and I have obtained probably about a third of my regular customers through Facebook in some way. I did run a couple promotions through email with my customers during Lent, but did not get the response that I can get on Facebook. In business, you communicate with your customers in the way that they respond best. I've learned that my customers respond best through Facebook. Who would've thought? A valuable lesson learned that will help my business grow in the future.

5. Without an audience, my life is boring

No really, I am not an exciting person. At all. We all make our lives seem better than they really are with witty status updates and comments. But in reality, none of us have lives that are THAT cool. Most of us are just living our everyday lives and watching everyone's highlight reels unfold on social media. Don't compare yourself to others' Facebook highlight reels. You most likely don't know what is going on the rest of the time. That said...

6. Facebook can mask what is really going on in your life

What I wasn't prepared for during my Facebook fast was the onslaught of emotional turmoil that surfaced. I am (or was) admittedly a Facebook junkie. I spent a TON of time scrolling through newsfeed, Facebook stalking people, commenting on stuff, etc. I was spending so much time with my nose in other people's lives that I wasn't paying attention to my own needs. When the drug of Facebook was removed, my own life hit me. Hard. I realized that I have some things that I really need to work though...some of which will probably take professional help. It took me having the time to sit alone with myself in silence to realize that some of my issues are deep. And it's ok, I have no shame in admitting I need help to work through those issues. But I may not have realized I needed that help when I was paying more attention to others than I was to myself.

7. Facebook is a fantastic communication tool

Sometimes it's just easier to post something on Facebook when you have a question, or to send a group message to discuss something. And the Facebook event tool is awesome. Facebook has made it a lot easier to communicate with a lot of people in a short amount of time. I am glad for it. I've reconnected with people from my past on Facebook. Just last year I reconnected with my childhood best friend who I hadn't spoken to in over 20 years. If it weren't for Facebook, I wouldn't have reconnected to the trumpet player/football stud/geek guy from high school and married him. :-) I think personal communication is and always will be important, but Facebook can be a vehicle for both personal and mass communication.

8. We talk a lot about what is posted on Facebook

I noticed so many of my conversations with people were centered around something that was posted on Facebook (and that I of course had no idea what they were talking about!). So many conversations started with "did you see that...on Facebook?" It has become a part of our every day conversation. I don't think that is necessarily bad, but it's annoying sometimes when people just automatically assume that you sit all day and scroll through your newsfeed for conversation starters. 

9. You can find both great support and great criticism on Facebook

Our society today is very quick to judge others. Facebook just makes it easier because you can hide behind a screen and type words that you aren't actually speaking. It is unnerving to see how critical people are of others who have never walked in your shoes. I should know, I've experienced it first-hand. On the other hand though, you can also find people who will support you and walk with you. Through Facebook, I reconnected with an old friend a couple years ago who was also walking the infertility road. We've become close friends and still talk on a regular basis. I am in a couple infertility groups on Facebook where I can "talk" freely about my journey among people who truly understand and are walking similar roads. I would not have gotten through some of my struggles without these people, and I am forever grateful for them.

10. Like everything else in life, it's all about balance

Facebook, like most things, has its pros and cons. I think it can be a very addictive thing. I was addicted before I gave it up for Lent, and I think going without it for 40 days was a great way to break that addiction. I definitely plan to keep using Facebook regularly, but I no longer have no qualms about hiding posts and/or people that are offensive or hurtful to me (or honestly just plain annoying). I plan to be more intentional about what I post and more intentional about contacting the people I want to talk to directly. Facebook is great, but it's not the be all end all that some people make it out to be. Take a break from it. Go outside. Read a book. Call someone. Down time is important. Face to face time with people is important. Building relationships is important. The time you spend scrolling through your newsfeed is not time you're going to get back. If you have your eyes constantly on a screen you might miss what's going on around you. Life is better than that. You are worth more than that. So spend less time scrolling the screen and more time scrolling the life happening around you. :-)

Aruba

I don't know about you, but where I live it's been pretty darn cold. We've had near record-breaking low temperatures, snow, freezing rain, high winds, and just all-around winter ugliness. I love winter, but right now I'm ready for some warm air and green grass! So, I figured this is as good a time as any to tell you about our recent trip to a tropical island. Let's take a trip down memory lane to paradise. :-)

Sometime last year (spring I think), my husband came home with news that his parents wanted to take us to Aruba...and they wanted to pay for it. I was shocked. Floored. I'm pretty sure I didn't speak for a few minutes (if you know me, you know that I am rarely at a loss for words!). My in-laws felt bad that the family vacation to the Outer Banks they had planned fell through, and thought we really deserved a vacation after all we'd been through over the past two years. I didn't know how to react, and my first instinct was to say no. We couldn't possibly take a trip out of the country, could we? Who are we to deserve this? What will people think? (That's always a question, isn't it?)

We almost said no to the trip of a lifetime.

I know, you're thinking we were crazy for even thinking of turning it down, right? Well, when you're in our position, it's not so crazy. You see, when you're battling infertility you live in constant limbo. Every decision comes with a set of "what ifs?" and planning long-term is difficult. What if we're in the middle of a treatment cycle? What if I'm pregnant? What if I'm high-risk? What will the doctors say? What if we decide to adopt and we're waiting for "the call?" So many questions that are impossible to answer. After about a week or so of praying and considering these questions, I finally said to my husband, "are we crazy? Who turns down a free trip to a tropical paradise?? We need to go." So we said yes, purchased the trip insurance "just in case," and started to look forward to a week in tropical paradise.

In between saying yes to Aruba and actually going on the trip, a lot happened. We made decisions regarding trying for a baby and began trying again on our own with the help of natural remedies, and we bought a house (a whole other story in itself). I carried an immense feeling of guilt about taking this trip. It was difficult for me to get excited about it, and I couldn't figure out why. And then someone said the most awful thing to me:

At least you can still go on trips like this because you don't have kids.

And I lost it. Just when I had been beginning to accept that we were going on this trip, I completely broke down. Didn't people understand that I didn't care about Aruba as much as I cared about having kids?? How could someone be so cruel to tell me a vacation is better than having a family? I would trade a free trip to anywhere for children! And then it hit me, the reason I was having trouble getting excited about this trip wasn't because I didn't want to go...it was because I didn't want to be able to go. I wanted to be at home with my babies. I didn't want to be able to have the opportunity to take exotic vacations, because I'd rather spend my time at home with my kids. I'd rather my in-laws be giving us money to spoil their grandkids than to pay for a vacation. I begged my husband to cancel the trip. I told him he could go if he wanted but I was staying home. I was a hot mess. But in the end, my husband convinced me that we needed this trip. That it would be good for us. I was reluctant, but I said ok and off to paradise we went.

It was the best decision we've made in a long time.

Oh, did I mention we moved into our new house less than two weeks before we left for Aruba? Yeah, we don't do things easy around here. Haha.

Once we got to Aruba and were able to relax (and had a few cocktails in us) ;), I realized just how much weight I had been carrying. I was more stressed than I realized. For one week, I forgot about all our troubles. The resort we stayed at had very few kids, so we were away from the constant reminder of our empty arms. I had no connections to the outside world. No phone, no internet, I didn't even watch the news. It was so wonderful. Most days I sat on the beach all day, drink in hand, and read. I read 2 1/2 books during that week. I wrote. I took time to see sights in one of the most beautiful places on earth. I snorkeled and took a jeep tour and sailed. My husband and I had several date nights, and were able to spend time together without worry. We were able to not worry about whether or not it was "time" to do the baby dance. It was truly an escape from reality. We just enjoyed ourselves and everything Aruba had to offer for a week. It was incredible.

In the end, I realized that we needed that trip to Aruba more than anything. It came at the perfect time, and while it certainly didn't solve all our problems, it at least allowed us to forget them for a while. It rekindled our marriage, and filled up our souls in a way that is difficult to describe. I came back from Aruba feeling refreshed and renewed (and desperately wanting to see sunshine again...it was 20 degrees when we got off the plane in the US!). Would I go back? Absolutely.

I still struggle with the act of generosity given to us from my husband's parents. Who are we to deserve such a large gift? Well, we're nobody really. But sometimes we are given things we don't deserve. Sometimes acts of generosity, no matter how big or small, are difficult for us to accept. But clearly someone saw in us the struggle and pain we've been facing, and knew we needed a break. They knew, even if we didn't, that a week in abundant sunshine would be good for us. And they were right. And really, in comparison to the huge act of generosity that God gave us through Jesus, a free vacation is a small thing to accept, isn't it? We are all worth more than we realize, even when we don't feel worthy.

And someday, when the time is right and we are able, we will pay it forward. 

Besides, where else in the world do you get to see sunsets like THIS?

When I'm 90

Well you know what they say, when it rains it pours. These past two weeks have been especially trying for me. A lot of stuff has been going on, and as it always seems to be the case everything happened all at once. I have been physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. Most days I've been home only to sleep, and most nights I've tossed and turned unable to turn off my brain. God doesn't give us any more than we can handle, but boy has He been pushing my limits these past two weeks!

My family is enduring some big changes, none of which are easy ones. We've moved one grandma to an assisted living facility, and said goodbye to my other grandma who we are laying to rest this weekend. I've played the middle man to doctors and family members while my parents were on the other side of the country. I've put hundreds of miles on my car driving back and forth to the hospital and homes and stores and everywhere else. My life was put on hold for a week while I cared for my grandma, and then helped her transition to her new assisted living home. And of course, where there are family emergencies there is family drama. Emotionally, I am spent.

But through all the miles, and the phone calls and texts, and the drama and the tears, God has shown me plenty of good. He has shown me so many things to be grateful for. I spent a lot of time with my grandma this past week, reminiscing about days gone by. We talked about my grandpa and how good of a man he was. His humor, and his wit, his love of family (especially his grandchildren), his days playing football, and his love of hunting. And while he's been gone for more than 10 years, I realized he lived a full life and left all of us with so many good memories. My grandma talks about him in such a way that it's hard to describe. Her face lights up talking about her memories of him. She tells anybody who will listen how good of a husband he was to her. And then her face lands on his picture, and she says, "you stinker! Why did you have to leave me?" Her face temporarily saddens, remembering how much she misses him, and then she'll remember another good memory and she's all smiles again.

Grandma will tell you the same story 100 times over, but I don't mind. I never get enough of hearing how she met grandpa, or that one time they went for ice cream, or how she almost dated his brother but fell in love with grandpa the minute she met him. How he was so popular with the ladies, but for whatever reason he chose her. She'll never know why, but she's glad he did. It's a love story for the ages. Their story was even on the front page of the local newspaper many years ago as a featured Valentine's Day story. What love they had! And as my grandpa's health declined from multiple strokes, grandma never left his side. Grandma has taught me so much about life and love.

Helping to move grandma to assisted living was unexpectedly one of the hardest things I've done. I didn't think it would be hard, I've known for awhile now that this day would come. But as I was helping my parents pack up her belongings, helping to decide what to take and what to leave behind, I could feel tears forming behind my eyes. I didn't dare let one shed at the time. I had to be strong. I had to show grandma that this was the right decision, that she was going to love her new home. Every time I picked something up, there was a memory attached to it. Sometimes it was something I gave her, sometimes it was something someone else gave her and it sparked a memory of that person. I remembered sleepovers with cousins in grandma's house, making crafts and baking cakes, polka dancing and sick days on her couch. Oh the memories! I can see why this move is so hard for her. 55 years of memories in that house. I've moved 11 times, and even some of the moves where I lived somewhere only a year were tough ones. I can't imagine leaving 55 years of memories.

Yes, it has been a tough couple of weeks. Yes, we have a large, stubborn, opinionated family (we're Polish, we can't help it!). But through it all, I realized that we have a GOOD family. We have more LOVE in our family than most people ever find. While we may fight, we are always there for each other. But isn't that sort of normal? Families don't aways get along. Gosh, I don't think I can remember a holiday gone by that somebody wasn't arguing with someone about something. But isn't that the case with everyone? Maybe we're not as weird as we think! Yes, we are a family like none other. But gosh darn it, we have it pretty good! I am sure that grandpa is watching over us and is proud of the family he left behind. He taught us well. And grandma, well, she taught us all how to love.

Earlier this week I found myself giving grandma her own advice. Whenever I am upset about something, grandma reminds me that no matter how bad I have it, there is always someone else, somewhere, that has it worse than you. And you know what? She is right! All things considered, I have it pretty good. I have a wonderful loving husband, a gorgeous house, two cuddly kitties, a career I love, wonderful friends, and very large, very loving family. I could go on and on. Life is pretty good, all things considered.

When I am 90, and I am sitting in a nursing home with my granddaughter reminiscing about the old days, I hope I have good stories to tell her. I hope I leave a house full of memories of children and grandchildren, stories filled with love and laughter and all around good times. I hope she doesn't mind hearing the story of how I met my husband 100 times a day, or how it was in "the good old days." Yes, when I am 90 I hope my life was just as full as my grandma's has been. Because it doesn't matter where you live, or what you have, or who your friends are. What matters is the memories you make and the love you share. And when I am 90, I hope I can look back and know that the memories were good and the love was abundant.

Someday...

I have been intentionally quiet on the blog for a while now. Partly because I needed a break, and partially because this fall was incredibly busy. We bought a house, took a vacation to Aruba, and had a calendar that was more full than usual. I've been doing some writing, and I have some things to share in the coming weeks. But first, a 2014 recap.

2014 was a year of change for me. Looking back at the past year, my husband and I are definitely in a much different place than we were this time last year. We are living in a new home - our home. We are finally not at the mercy of landlords and enjoying the wonders (and DIY projects) of homeownership. Early in 2014 we found a new church home. A place that has led us closer to Jesus, that has helped us work through some issues we didn't even know we had in the first place (crazy how God does that, right?!). We took our first trip out of the country, experiencing an act of generosity that I still can't quite wrap my head around (and will be the subject of at least one blog post in the near future). After much debate and prayer, I finally figured out what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life...at least for this particular season. Embarking on new business ventures and enjoying all it has to offer. And near the end of 2014, I made the decision to be baptized as an adult. It was a decision that I did not take lightly, but for me was a symbol of a new chapter in my life.

Yes, it has been a roller coaster, both physically and emotionally. I had many moments in 2014 when I felt like I could conquer anything and I was full of hope. I also had many moments when I felt defeated, drug through the mud and kicked down, unable to get up. I am forever grateful for the people that have been there to pick me up this past year when I couldn't get up myself. I am forever grateful for a loving God who has carried me when I couldn't walk myself. I'm not so sure I would be here if it weren't for those people and our loving Father.

Over the Holidays we were blessed to be able to see most of our family and friends, including all their little ones. I'll be honest - it was hard at times. Oh how I wanted to be chasing after a little one of my own, or excusing myself to go breastfeed my baby. I wanted to be able to join in the conversations of how tired I am or how my child is sleeping at night, telling stories of the messes my kids made and swapping child-rearing advice with the other moms. I wanted to have people fawning all over my baby and wanted to hold him or her, handing the baby back when he/she got fussy. I wanted to send out a Christmas card with our family. Our complete family - me, my husband, and our two kids.

The other day my husband and I were with a group of close friends, and I realized how much has changed in just a few short years. 5 years ago most of the people in this particular group were single, and only one couple had one child. This year, everyone was married and most of the couples have at least one child - some have 2 or 3. This year, I was in the minority. While everyone else was having conversations amidst tending to their children's needs, I was the childless one with no one to look after. Joining in on conversations has gotten more difficult. I can only offer so much to a conversation about kids. Yes I am a former teacher and an aunt, and I have plenty of stories to share about my nieces and nephews. But it's different. I don't know what it's like to be sleep deprived because my child won't sleep. I don't know what it's like to worry every single moment of the day about my child's safety. I don't know the guilt mothers carry that they're doing the right thing for their child. I want sleepless nights. I want guilt. I want to worry.

I was prepared for the onslaught of pregnancy announcements on Christmas day, and this year did not disappoint! I am truly happy for all of these people...and some year, maybe even next year, that happiness won't be accompanied by tears of sadness and jealousy, but rather tears of joy. Some year. Not this year. Each Christmas since 2011 I have thought, "well next year we're certain to have a baby by this time!" Four Christmases now that I've had those thoughts. The first one wasn't so bad, we had only been trying a few months. The next one hurt pretty bad, as we had experienced our first miscarriage only 3 months before. 2013 was even worse, after another loss and multiple failed fertility treatments. And this year, 2014, it was almost like a routine feeling. This year I found myself having more cautious thoughts. My thoughts this Christmas were hopeful but guarded. Maybe God will bless us with a baby this year, but maybe He won't. I continue to have faith. I continue to have hope. But I have to put my trust in God to give my husband and I exactly what we need. I don't know why we haven't been given children yet. I don't know why it is so easy for others and so hard for us. 

What I do know is this. I serve a loving God who has different plans for every person. I know that struggle leads to triumph, and if we listen closely we will hear God telling us exactly how to find victory. I know there is a reason why some people have children easily and others don't. I don't know what that reason is, and I don't pretend to understand it in the least. I know that my struggles have led to some good things, and to friendships I wouldn't have otherwise. I know that I am not alone. If you are struggling, neither are you. 

My resolution this year is simple. I want to be closer to God, and more in tune with His will for me. Whatever that is, however much sense His plan makes or doesn't make, I will do my best to listen and follow. Because it is only through Him that the impossible is made possible. Only through Him can my PCOS be healed. Only through Him can my husband and I be parents. I know without a doubt that it is God's will for us to have children. God revealed this to me in a dream many years ago. I will hold fast to His promise, and I will follow His guidance. Because when there is no hope, when all seems lost, when you think God has forgotten you...know that He hasn't. He will reveal himself in His perfect timing. And someday, maybe while we're here on Earth and maybe not until we meet God again in heaven, we will understand. 

Mom Was Right: Lessons in Compassion

The other day I read this wonderful article about a baby who was born because of a uterus transplant. Yes, you read that right. Medical science has now figured out how transplant a uterus into another woman's body. This gives so many women who have lost their uterus for various reasons a new hope. This surgery is still in its early trial stages, and the success rate is not high at all, but it is progress. It is hope. And I celebrate it, as I celebrate any progress in the science of infertility, because it gives me and other infertile women hope that someday infertility can be a thing of the past.

I am a believer that God gives us the ability to discover new medical technologies to do His work here on Earth. Both my husband and I do not believe that faith and science have to be mutually exclusive. God can work miracles through medical science. I have seen it over and over again. I am a living testimony to the wonders of medical science and, hopefully some day soon, so will be my children. Reading articles like this give me so much hope for the future. What a beautiful thing to be able to give women the gift of producing new life! It was a wonderfully beautiful article.

And then I made a mistake. I read the comments.

So much hate. So much judgement. The comments were bile, angry, full of some of the most awful things I've ever heard. I won't repeat the comments, because they are too awful to bear repeating. The happy tears that had begun to fall reading the article quickly turned to painful tears. Perfect strangers throwing awful words and awful comments towards each other. People who thought that others were selfish for wanting children, that they should be more worried about other problems in the world, that they weren't justified in their feelings of despair at not being able to have children. I felt personally attacked.

At one point, I started to write a response to one of the comments. I got a few sentences in and then I thought, what am I doing? Why am I adding fuel to the fire? These people don't know me nor do I know them. It's not worth it. So I erased it, closed the page, and moved on. But I just couldn't shake how hateful and hurtful these people were to others who are going through a very difficult time.

Here's the point: Everyone is fighting something. Everyone has a battle raging inside of them. Everyone has different priorities and different ways they go about things and different beliefs. What may be important to you may not be important to someone else. That does not make your battle unjustified nor anyone else's. We all have inner demons we fight, and we all handle them differently. When did we become a society that cannot tolerate people with different ideas and values? When did it become ok to sit behind a computer screen and type bile comments to strangers and call them harsh names?

I could write a whole other series of blogs on why our society is the way it is. But I will say one thing here...our society is lacking a whole lot of COMPASSION. People have become so consumed with themselves that they have stopped LISTENING. I have two friends who started a non-profit organization simply because they saw a need for "compassionate listening" in our world. And sometimes, all someone needs is an ear to listen. Those ears are hard to come by these days.

Mom was right. If you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all.

If you wouldn't say it to their face, don't type it in a comment on an article, or on Facebook, or Twitter, or anywhere else in cyber world. And if it's mean and you would say it to their face, you should probably reconsider whether it should be said at all. Because as momma said, some things are better left unsaid.

Put yourself in their shoes. If you were fighting a hopeless battle, would you want to hear all those hateful things from people who didn't understand? Definitely not. Be gracious, be compassionate. Someday you might need someone to be compassionate towards you. Chances are, if you weren't compassionate towards someone in their time of need they aren't going to return the favor.

Protect yourself (and your heart and your soul) from the naysayers. If you have people in your life that are constantly ridiculing you, questioning your lifestyle or motives, etc., it may be time to distance yourself from them. I have unfollower, defriended, and blocked many people on social media because I just can't handle their negativity. I am better off not having those types of people in my life. I still love them, I still pray for them, but sometimes it is just better to step away from the toxic people in your life. You will be better for it.

Do yourself a favor and take a break from technology once in awhile. I am a lover of all kinds of technology (my house is full of all kinds of iStuff), but I have come to realize that I need a break from it from time to time. It is addicting to me, and it is a great time waster! I don't know what it is about technology, but it does things to us. It turns us into people we aren't. I've been doing this thing where I spend the first hour of the day and the last hour before I go to bed unplugged. No phone, no iPad, no computer or TV. I take that time to read a book (yes an actual book!) or journal or spend time with God. Is it hard? Yup. Do I do it every day? Nope. But the days I do start and/or finish my day unplugged are wonderful. I am more productive, I sleep better, and I actually stay off technology more throughout the day. Facebook will go on without you, I promise. There will be plenty of drama to read later.

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When I was a young girl, and I would complain about something, my grandmother would always tell me "no matter how hard things get for you, there is always someone else somewhere in the world who has it worse than you." Smart woman that old lady is. She is a genuinely compassionate, generous person with a heart for helping people, always putting others before herself. She never talks bad about someone, even if they're someone that irritates her. She always looks for the good in people. I would love to have a world full of people like my grandmother with compassionate hearts. Our world would be so much better. Instead, we have a world full of self-centered people who measure their self-worth by Facebook likes and have no problem calling perfect strangers awful names. I am glad my grandmother will never see the world of Facebook, because it would break her heart to see what society has really become.

Our Life's Jigsaw Puzzle

I've been pretty silent on the blog for the past few months, and for good reason. My husband and I had an insanely busy summer - 4 weddings, 2 family reunions, me going back to grad school, family and friends visiting, a vacation, and more places to be than I can even begin to remember. Whew! We made it though, and for a few weeks this month my husband and I were able to slow down and breathe. It was so nice...we even got to spend a weekend alone! This week my usual fall mayhem begins meaning I'm pretty much booked solid until Christmas. Being both in direct sales and a musician, this time of year is always crazy. I love my busy life though, and I wouldn't want it any other way!

In between all the insanity of our summer schedule, I also spent a lot of time in prayer and reflection. So many unanswered questions, so many choices to make and things to discern. I'll be honest, there were days I didn't want to get out of bed. I was on an emotional roller coaster. There were days I'd think one answer was absolutely the correct one, and other days I thought the complete opposite. I was in a whirlwind of unanswered questions and grabbing on to whatever answer felt right at the moment...and then I began to listen. I mean REALLY LISTEN to what God was telling me. Sometimes His voice is loud making it blatantly clear what He wants you to do. And other times, more often than not, His voice is quiet. You have to listen carefully to what He's telling you. I think God does this on purpose, to really make us tune into Him and His purpose. Because if God was constantly yelling in your face, you wouldn't have to listen so intently...and you'd probably end up tuning out the yelling eventually and stop listening altogether. I mean, that's what I do when I have someone yelling in my face! So this summer I listened. I waited. I listened some more. I started journaling in a private journal that revealed some things about myself, both beautiful and ugly.

A friend of mine got me into this jigsaw iPad app. This app has tons of cool puzzles, and it also has a "puzzle of the day." The picture of the day puzzle doesn't show the picture beforehand like all the other puzzles do. You just have to click on the puzzle of the day, and as you're putting the pieces together the picture slowly reveals itself. Some are pretty easy to figure out, others not so much. And when there are more pieces to put together, it takes longer and is increases the difficulty. Isn't our life with God just like a jigsaw puzzle? God already knows what the picture in the end will look like. He knows how every single piece of our life's puzzle will fit together long before we're even born. Every second of our life here on Earth, in Heaven, and for all Eternity has already been mapped out. And I know, just like everyone else, that sometimes we try to put two pieces of our life's puzzle together that don't fit. They belong in another part of our puzzle...or maybe they've found their way to the wrong box and don't fit in our puzzle at all. It's hard sometimes, especially when we want those pieces to fit so badly...or when two puzzle pieces are so similar that they LOOK like they should fit, but they don't. Putting together puzzles is challenging, frustrating, but also rewarding. You are putting together a beautiful picture. You have no idea what it is going to look like in the end, but you know it will be wonderful.

Every time we pick up a piece of our life's puzzle, we have to ask ourselves, "where does this piece go? Is it time to add this piece to my puzzle? Is it even MY puzzle piece?" and wait for God to answer. Patience. Oh my do I ever struggle with patience! I want things to be done MY way and NOW! Why won't God give me what I want this very second??? Story. Of. My. Life. But I'm working on it. I'll never completely get there, because it's in my nature to be strong-willed and stubborn (hey, God made me that way, so He knows how to deal with me, right?) ;-) But all kidding aside, I try. Some days are better than others, and that's ok. We weren't made to be perfect. We were just made to worship God and try and put the pieces of our life's puzzle together the best we can. If we listen, honestly listen, God will help us put those pieces together.

In the end, our life's picture will be beautiful. Yes there are ugly parts, but the overall picture is going to be so wonderful we will wonder why we spent so much time complaining about it. I imagine myself when I get to heaven standing next to Jesus, looking at my completed picture hanging in God's picture gallery in total awe and amazement. Then He says to me, "See? I told you it would be beautiful."

In the Waiting

This has been a tough week for me. I have come full-circle on one of the most difficult years of my life. This time last year, I was pregnant for the second time...and in a few days we would lose that baby too. We had lost our first baby just 9 months earlier. We would try again several times with the help of fertility drugs and IUI (artificial insemination) before deciding to take a break at the end of November last year. We were emotionally and physically spent. I had nothing left in me to keep trying, and felt God telling us to rest a while and regain some strength. Our fertility doctor wanted us to consider IVF (in-vitro fertilization), but after much prayer and discussion decided that wasn't right for us. We looked into adoption agencies and talked to adoptive parents...but that wasn't right for us at the time either. And so we waited...and waited...and waited some more. Still, God told us to rest. This winter, I felt myself slipping into depression. The deadness and darkness of winter overcame me. I withdrew from everything...from people, from my music, from my career...and sat day after day crying out "why??" I didn't want to face my problems. I didn't want to face my fears. I would much rather sit in the dark and not deal with anything. I certainly didn't want to hear what God had to say. I was angry, I was depressed, I wanted Him to solve all my problems NOW or leave me alone.

When spring came, I felt the fog start to lift and, like the buds on the trees beginning to emerge, I felt myself start to come back to life. I could feel my lungs breathing in a new kind of air. It was fresh, full of life and possibilities. I began to eat right and exercise again. I got a new haircut and a pedicure.  I was starting to feel small glimpses of my former self come back to life. I was starting to feel good about myself again.

As I was pulling out of the funk that I had been in for months, I started listening to God more. I always thought I had listened, but I realized I had been listening like a teenager listens to her parents. My answers were more like "sure, ok God. Whatever you say," as I ran out the door to do something completely different. It wasn't so much that I was being defiant, it was more that I only heard what I wanted to hear. My mother calls it "selective hearing" (she claims my father has had this since the day they married. haha!). I have recently started listening more...really listening. I realized that I was doing things that God didn't intend for me to do. I was on a career path that He had not intended for me, at least not at this time in my life. And so I did a complete 180 and am now on a completely different path...but the right path. And it feels so good, so right. THIS is what God has intended for me!

This winter, my husband and I decided to give ourselves until June to make any further decisions about having a baby. We needed to focus on ourselves for awhile. I needed to focus on my health, specifically. June has come, and God is still saying WAIT. I don't know why, but He is. I know I'm getting older, and in 6 months I'll be at that magic age of 35 when the fertility world starts to panic. I'll have all sorts of labels plastered on me that make me high risk (but after two miscarriages, I probably have that label anyway). But, God wants us to wait just a little while longer. I'm not gonna lie - it is HARD! But I know that we are getting there. We are doing things now that will give us a better chance of having a baby later. My spontaneous personality is having a lot of trouble with that. I want all my wants and needs fulfilled NOW, not later! But we will get there. We still have hope. We know God always fulfills his promises, and we know that, in some way or another, we will be parents.

God is starting to reveal little things to us, and we know we have many decisions to make over the summer about many things. Not only do we have baby-making decisions to make, but we have career, house, financial, and other decisions to make. We have been in a period of waiting for a very long time...but we feel the time for action drawing nearer. Little by little, God is revealing to us our next course of action. We are trying to be obedient and do what He has called us to do. We know we won't have to wait forever, even when sometimes it feels that way.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. -Romans 8:28

On the Road to Recovery - Mary's Story

Struggles. We all have them. Everyone struggles with SOMETHING. No one is perfect, no one has it all together despite what they may portray to the rest of the world. Everyone has an inner struggle that they are so desperately trying to overcome.

Let me tell you about my friend Mary. I met Mary about 4 years ago at my former church. The first time I saw Mary, before we even said one word to each other, I knew we had something in common. You see, Mary is not what we would consider a "normal" size. She isn't even what most would consider "fairly large." Mary is extremely obese. So large in fact, that her life is in danger. Her body is failing her, her organs are straining to support her, and she is on borrowed time. The moment I first saw her my heart ached for her, because I knew her struggle. I knew that deep down something was troubling her, and her inner struggle was showing on her outside. That morning, I prayed that God would connect me to Mary somehow. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to help her. But I didn't know how, and I certainly didn't want to offend her by approaching a very delicate subject. So I waited, and eventually Mary ended up coming to our community group, and our friendship began.

I haven't written about my struggle with my weight on this blog. Five years ago I weighed 374 pounds. I was miserable. I couldn't walk very far, and I could barely make it up one flight of steps without gasping for air. In August 2009 I had Lap Band surgery and my life began to change. I lost 162 pounds, and with that regained my life (and in the process got married to the love of my life!). I remember the night I made the decision to change my life. It was Christmas Eve 2008. I had thoroughly enjoyed my Christmas Eve...and by thoroughly enjoy I mean I was stuffed so full I could barely move. I felt sick. By then I had been researching weight loss surgeries for over a year, but was determined I was going to lose the weight by myself. I didn't want to be "one of those people" who needed surgery to lose weight. But that Christmas Eve, it became very clear to me that I needed to do something drastic or I was not going to live a very long life. The tears started to fall as I realized how sick I really was, and how much I needed help. In that moment, I decided I was going to have the Lap Band surgery. I cried myself to sleep that night. It was one of the lowest points in my life.

As I began the process to have the surgery, and following my surgery, I had to face many demons. I physically could not overeat anymore, so I was forced to deal with my struggles in other ways. I talked to counselors and went to Overeaters Anonymous, and finally began to piece my life back together. It was a brutal process, but it was a necessary one.

Eating disorders are scary. We talk often about anorexia and bulimia, which are very serious life-threatening diseases...but we rarely talk about compulsive overeating and food addiction. We brush off overweight people as lazy and tell them that they just need to eat less and exercise. Sometimes this is the case...but in my friend Mary's case, and in my case, it is far from it. My friend Mary and I suffer from an eating disorder. One that most of the medical community does not even recognize as a real disorder. It is just as serious and life-threatening as anorexia or bulimia. If someone can starve themselves because of a mental illness, why is it so difficult for us to believe that someone can do the opposite? Why must we belittle overweight people and brush off their obesity as just eating too much? My friends, compulsive overeating/food addiction is not really about the food. Let me give you a little glimpse into my (and my friend Mary's) life:

-An anorexic/bulimic has a distorted body image. They see themselves as fat, when in reality they are extremely thin. A compulsive overeater/food addict also has a distorted body image. They see themselves as thin when in reality they are extremely obese.

-An anorexic/bulimic starves themselves or vomits as a coping mechanism. A compulsive overeater/food addict copes by eating more (and almost always unhealthy) food.

-A bulimic can't stop themselves from throwing up food. A compulsive overeater cannot stop themselves from eating.

-An alcoholic is addicted to alcohol. Even one sip will trigger an alcoholic into relapse. A food addict is addicted to food (almost always multiple foods, or even just food in general). Even one bite of a certain food will send them into relapse. I once ate one cupcake that sent me into a 4-month relapse. ONE CUPCAKE.

You see where I'm going with this. This is not just having an inkling towards candy bars or emotional eating when you have a bad day. This is a serious mental illness. I have been in recovery from compulsive overeating and food addiction for 5 years. I have relapsed multiple times. I have gained weight and lost weight. I am currently not at my lowest weight in the last 5 years because of multiple relapses due to the tremendous stress I've been under with infertility and miscarriage. But I'll get there, and I'll be ok. But it is a struggle every single day. Every meal, every hour I have to make conscious decisions about what I am going to eat. I have to be more careful than most people because, if I am not careful, even the tiniest bite of something can send me into a full-out relapse and I will be back where I started. I have an eating disorder. It is a mental illness, and one which most of the world does not understand.

I did not mean to make this blog entry all about me, but I wanted to give you all some insight into what daily life is like for me and my friend Mary. Now, back to Mary. As I got to know Mary, I learned more about her. She is an incredible person. When I met her, she was homeless and jobless. She now has her own apartment and has a career as a freelance artist and graphic designer. Despite her success as an artist, she still struggles to make ends meet. But because of her size and condition, she cannot work a full-time job. It is not because she does not want to, it's because she is physically unable. She runs tech for her church and blesses more people than I can count with her talents. She is a very humble person, and she has a heart of gold. She would do anything for anybody. She has traveled a rough road and has overcome more than most of us will in an entire lifetime. But what amazes me the most about Mary is her humbleness and incredible generosity.

Now, after Mary has helped so many people, it is our turn to help her. Mary's condition is far worse than mine (and mine is/was pretty bad!). She needs help, and she has taken a huge step to get that help. In a couple weeks Mary will be heading down to a treatment center for eating disorders in Florida. She does not know how long she will be there...it could be 3 months, it could be longer. She is being sent to the Florida center instead of the one here in Pennsylvania because her condition is so severe. It is scary for her, but she knows this is where she needs to be. At this center she will receive intensive inpatient treatment for her eating disorder and, God-willing, learn how to live a life free from compulsive overeating and food addiction.

While this center is going to give her the best possible chance to have a long, healthy life, it also comes with a price. A price that Mary cannot pay on her own. It is expensive, even for someone like me who has an average middle-class income. Mary has reached out to ask for money to help her on this journey, which I know was extremely hard for her to do. If you feel it in your heart to help this amazing woman, please click on the link below to access her fundraising page. Every little bit helps, and every dollar gets her closer to recovery. Please consider a donation. If you cannot give money, please pray for her on this journey. She will not have access to internet while she is there, but one of her friends has created a Facebook page for her and will be updating it while Mary is at the center. I will leave that link below also so you can follow her road to recovery.

I know this was a long entry, and if you have read this far - thank you! As Christians we are called to help one another, and this particular situation has been weighing very heavy on my heart. Mary is a beautiful person, inside and out. She has a long journey ahead of her, and I cannot wait for the day when her body is healthy again and can support her stunning inner beauty and her gorgeous soul. :-)

Mary "before." Can't wait to see the "after!"

Donate to support Mary's journey here:
http://www.gofundme.com/HalfMySize

Follow Mary's journey here:
https://www.facebook.com/HalfMySizeMary