2014 was a year of change for me. Looking back at the past year, my husband and I are definitely in a much different place than we were this time last year. We are living in a new home - our home. We are finally not at the mercy of landlords and enjoying the wonders (and DIY projects) of homeownership. Early in 2014 we found a new church home. A place that has led us closer to Jesus, that has helped us work through some issues we didn't even know we had in the first place (crazy how God does that, right?!). We took our first trip out of the country, experiencing an act of generosity that I still can't quite wrap my head around (and will be the subject of at least one blog post in the near future). After much debate and prayer, I finally figured out what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life...at least for this particular season. Embarking on new business ventures and enjoying all it has to offer. And near the end of 2014, I made the decision to be baptized as an adult. It was a decision that I did not take lightly, but for me was a symbol of a new chapter in my life.
Yes, it has been a roller coaster, both physically and emotionally. I had many moments in 2014 when I felt like I could conquer anything and I was full of hope. I also had many moments when I felt defeated, drug through the mud and kicked down, unable to get up. I am forever grateful for the people that have been there to pick me up this past year when I couldn't get up myself. I am forever grateful for a loving God who has carried me when I couldn't walk myself. I'm not so sure I would be here if it weren't for those people and our loving Father.
Over the Holidays we were blessed to be able to see most of our family and friends, including all their little ones. I'll be honest - it was hard at times. Oh how I wanted to be chasing after a little one of my own, or excusing myself to go breastfeed my baby. I wanted to be able to join in the conversations of how tired I am or how my child is sleeping at night, telling stories of the messes my kids made and swapping child-rearing advice with the other moms. I wanted to have people fawning all over my baby and wanted to hold him or her, handing the baby back when he/she got fussy. I wanted to send out a Christmas card with our family. Our complete family - me, my husband, and our two kids.
The other day my husband and I were with a group of close friends, and I realized how much has changed in just a few short years. 5 years ago most of the people in this particular group were single, and only one couple had one child. This year, everyone was married and most of the couples have at least one child - some have 2 or 3. This year, I was in the minority. While everyone else was having conversations amidst tending to their children's needs, I was the childless one with no one to look after. Joining in on conversations has gotten more difficult. I can only offer so much to a conversation about kids. Yes I am a former teacher and an aunt, and I have plenty of stories to share about my nieces and nephews. But it's different. I don't know what it's like to be sleep deprived because my child won't sleep. I don't know what it's like to worry every single moment of the day about my child's safety. I don't know the guilt mothers carry that they're doing the right thing for their child. I want sleepless nights. I want guilt. I want to worry.
I was prepared for the onslaught of pregnancy announcements on Christmas day, and this year did not disappoint! I am truly happy for all of these people...and some year, maybe even next year, that happiness won't be accompanied by tears of sadness and jealousy, but rather tears of joy. Some year. Not this year. Each Christmas since 2011 I have thought, "well next year we're certain to have a baby by this time!" Four Christmases now that I've had those thoughts. The first one wasn't so bad, we had only been trying a few months. The next one hurt pretty bad, as we had experienced our first miscarriage only 3 months before. 2013 was even worse, after another loss and multiple failed fertility treatments. And this year, 2014, it was almost like a routine feeling. This year I found myself having more cautious thoughts. My thoughts this Christmas were hopeful but guarded. Maybe God will bless us with a baby this year, but maybe He won't. I continue to have faith. I continue to have hope. But I have to put my trust in God to give my husband and I exactly what we need. I don't know why we haven't been given children yet. I don't know why it is so easy for others and so hard for us.
What I do know is this. I serve a loving God who has different plans for every person. I know that struggle leads to triumph, and if we listen closely we will hear God telling us exactly how to find victory. I know there is a reason why some people have children easily and others don't. I don't know what that reason is, and I don't pretend to understand it in the least. I know that my struggles have led to some good things, and to friendships I wouldn't have otherwise. I know that I am not alone. If you are struggling, neither are you.
My resolution this year is simple. I want to be closer to God, and more in tune with His will for me. Whatever that is, however much sense His plan makes or doesn't make, I will do my best to listen and follow. Because it is only through Him that the impossible is made possible. Only through Him can my PCOS be healed. Only through Him can my husband and I be parents. I know without a doubt that it is God's will for us to have children. God revealed this to me in a dream many years ago. I will hold fast to His promise, and I will follow His guidance. Because when there is no hope, when all seems lost, when you think God has forgotten you...know that He hasn't. He will reveal himself in His perfect timing. And someday, maybe while we're here on Earth and maybe not until we meet God again in heaven, we will understand.
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