The other day I read this wonderful article about a baby who was born because of a uterus transplant. Yes, you read that right. Medical science has now figured out how transplant a uterus into another woman's body. This gives so many women who have lost their uterus for various reasons a new hope. This surgery is still in its early trial stages, and the success rate is not high at all, but it is progress. It is hope. And I celebrate it, as I celebrate any progress in the science of infertility, because it gives me and other infertile women hope that someday infertility can be a thing of the past.
I am a believer that God gives us the ability to discover new medical technologies to do His work here on Earth. Both my husband and I do not believe that faith and science have to be mutually exclusive. God can work miracles through medical science. I have seen it over and over again. I am a living testimony to the wonders of medical science and, hopefully some day soon, so will be my children. Reading articles like this give me so much hope for the future. What a beautiful thing to be able to give women the gift of producing new life! It was a wonderfully beautiful article.
And then I made a mistake. I read the comments.
So much hate. So much judgement. The comments were bile, angry, full of some of the most awful things I've ever heard. I won't repeat the comments, because they are too awful to bear repeating. The happy tears that had begun to fall reading the article quickly turned to painful tears. Perfect strangers throwing awful words and awful comments towards each other. People who thought that others were selfish for wanting children, that they should be more worried about other problems in the world, that they weren't justified in their feelings of despair at not being able to have children. I felt personally attacked.
At one point, I started to write a response to one of the comments. I got a few sentences in and then I thought, what am I doing? Why am I adding fuel to the fire? These people don't know me nor do I know them. It's not worth it. So I erased it, closed the page, and moved on. But I just couldn't shake how hateful and hurtful these people were to others who are going through a very difficult time.
Here's the point: Everyone is fighting something. Everyone has a battle raging inside of them. Everyone has different priorities and different ways they go about things and different beliefs. What may be important to you may not be important to someone else. That does not make your battle unjustified nor anyone else's. We all have inner demons we fight, and we all handle them differently. When did we become a society that cannot tolerate people with different ideas and values? When did it become ok to sit behind a computer screen and type bile comments to strangers and call them harsh names?
I could write a whole other series of blogs on why our society is the way it is. But I will say one thing here...our society is lacking a whole lot of COMPASSION. People have become so consumed with themselves that they have stopped LISTENING. I have two friends who started a non-profit organization simply because they saw a need for "compassionate listening" in our world. And sometimes, all someone needs is an ear to listen. Those ears are hard to come by these days.
Mom was right. If you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all.
If you wouldn't say it to their face, don't type it in a comment on an article, or on Facebook, or Twitter, or anywhere else in cyber world. And if it's mean and you would say it to their face, you should probably reconsider whether it should be said at all. Because as momma said, some things are better left unsaid.
Put yourself in their shoes. If you were fighting a hopeless battle, would you want to hear all those hateful things from people who didn't understand? Definitely not. Be gracious, be compassionate. Someday you might need someone to be compassionate towards you. Chances are, if you weren't compassionate towards someone in their time of need they aren't going to return the favor.
Protect yourself (and your heart and your soul) from the naysayers. If you have people in your life that are constantly ridiculing you, questioning your lifestyle or motives, etc., it may be time to distance yourself from them. I have unfollower, defriended, and blocked many people on social media because I just can't handle their negativity. I am better off not having those types of people in my life. I still love them, I still pray for them, but sometimes it is just better to step away from the toxic people in your life. You will be better for it.
Do yourself a favor and take a break from technology once in awhile. I am a lover of all kinds of technology (my house is full of all kinds of iStuff), but I have come to realize that I need a break from it from time to time. It is addicting to me, and it is a great time waster! I don't know what it is about technology, but it does things to us. It turns us into people we aren't. I've been doing this thing where I spend the first hour of the day and the last hour before I go to bed unplugged. No phone, no iPad, no computer or TV. I take that time to read a book (yes an actual book!) or journal or spend time with God. Is it hard? Yup. Do I do it every day? Nope. But the days I do start and/or finish my day unplugged are wonderful. I am more productive, I sleep better, and I actually stay off technology more throughout the day. Facebook will go on without you, I promise. There will be plenty of drama to read later.
********************
When I was a young girl, and I would complain about something, my grandmother would always tell me "no matter how hard things get for you, there is always someone else somewhere in the world who has it worse than you." Smart woman that old lady is. She is a genuinely compassionate, generous person with a heart for helping people, always putting others before herself. She never talks bad about someone, even if they're someone that irritates her. She always looks for the good in people. I would love to have a world full of people like my grandmother with compassionate hearts. Our world would be so much better. Instead, we have a world full of self-centered people who measure their self-worth by Facebook likes and have no problem calling perfect strangers awful names. I am glad my grandmother will never see the world of Facebook, because it would break her heart to see what society has really become.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Monday, September 22, 2014
Our Life's Jigsaw Puzzle
I've been pretty silent on the blog for the past few months, and for good reason. My husband and I had an insanely busy summer - 4 weddings, 2 family reunions, me going back to grad school, family and friends visiting, a vacation, and more places to be than I can even begin to remember. Whew! We made it though, and for a few weeks this month my husband and I were able to slow down and breathe. It was so nice...we even got to spend a weekend alone! This week my usual fall mayhem begins meaning I'm pretty much booked solid until Christmas. Being both in direct sales and a musician, this time of year is always crazy. I love my busy life though, and I wouldn't want it any other way!
In between all the insanity of our summer schedule, I also spent a lot of time in prayer and reflection. So many unanswered questions, so many choices to make and things to discern. I'll be honest, there were days I didn't want to get out of bed. I was on an emotional roller coaster. There were days I'd think one answer was absolutely the correct one, and other days I thought the complete opposite. I was in a whirlwind of unanswered questions and grabbing on to whatever answer felt right at the moment...and then I began to listen. I mean REALLY LISTEN to what God was telling me. Sometimes His voice is loud making it blatantly clear what He wants you to do. And other times, more often than not, His voice is quiet. You have to listen carefully to what He's telling you. I think God does this on purpose, to really make us tune into Him and His purpose. Because if God was constantly yelling in your face, you wouldn't have to listen so intently...and you'd probably end up tuning out the yelling eventually and stop listening altogether. I mean, that's what I do when I have someone yelling in my face! So this summer I listened. I waited. I listened some more. I started journaling in a private journal that revealed some things about myself, both beautiful and ugly.
A friend of mine got me into this jigsaw iPad app. This app has tons of cool puzzles, and it also has a "puzzle of the day." The picture of the day puzzle doesn't show the picture beforehand like all the other puzzles do. You just have to click on the puzzle of the day, and as you're putting the pieces together the picture slowly reveals itself. Some are pretty easy to figure out, others not so much. And when there are more pieces to put together, it takes longer and is increases the difficulty. Isn't our life with God just like a jigsaw puzzle? God already knows what the picture in the end will look like. He knows how every single piece of our life's puzzle will fit together long before we're even born. Every second of our life here on Earth, in Heaven, and for all Eternity has already been mapped out. And I know, just like everyone else, that sometimes we try to put two pieces of our life's puzzle together that don't fit. They belong in another part of our puzzle...or maybe they've found their way to the wrong box and don't fit in our puzzle at all. It's hard sometimes, especially when we want those pieces to fit so badly...or when two puzzle pieces are so similar that they LOOK like they should fit, but they don't. Putting together puzzles is challenging, frustrating, but also rewarding. You are putting together a beautiful picture. You have no idea what it is going to look like in the end, but you know it will be wonderful.
Every time we pick up a piece of our life's puzzle, we have to ask ourselves, "where does this piece go? Is it time to add this piece to my puzzle? Is it even MY puzzle piece?" and wait for God to answer. Patience. Oh my do I ever struggle with patience! I want things to be done MY way and NOW! Why won't God give me what I want this very second??? Story. Of. My. Life. But I'm working on it. I'll never completely get there, because it's in my nature to be strong-willed and stubborn (hey, God made me that way, so He knows how to deal with me, right?) ;-) But all kidding aside, I try. Some days are better than others, and that's ok. We weren't made to be perfect. We were just made to worship God and try and put the pieces of our life's puzzle together the best we can. If we listen, honestly listen, God will help us put those pieces together.
In the end, our life's picture will be beautiful. Yes there are ugly parts, but the overall picture is going to be so wonderful we will wonder why we spent so much time complaining about it. I imagine myself when I get to heaven standing next to Jesus, looking at my completed picture hanging in God's picture gallery in total awe and amazement. Then He says to me, "See? I told you it would be beautiful."
In between all the insanity of our summer schedule, I also spent a lot of time in prayer and reflection. So many unanswered questions, so many choices to make and things to discern. I'll be honest, there were days I didn't want to get out of bed. I was on an emotional roller coaster. There were days I'd think one answer was absolutely the correct one, and other days I thought the complete opposite. I was in a whirlwind of unanswered questions and grabbing on to whatever answer felt right at the moment...and then I began to listen. I mean REALLY LISTEN to what God was telling me. Sometimes His voice is loud making it blatantly clear what He wants you to do. And other times, more often than not, His voice is quiet. You have to listen carefully to what He's telling you. I think God does this on purpose, to really make us tune into Him and His purpose. Because if God was constantly yelling in your face, you wouldn't have to listen so intently...and you'd probably end up tuning out the yelling eventually and stop listening altogether. I mean, that's what I do when I have someone yelling in my face! So this summer I listened. I waited. I listened some more. I started journaling in a private journal that revealed some things about myself, both beautiful and ugly.
A friend of mine got me into this jigsaw iPad app. This app has tons of cool puzzles, and it also has a "puzzle of the day." The picture of the day puzzle doesn't show the picture beforehand like all the other puzzles do. You just have to click on the puzzle of the day, and as you're putting the pieces together the picture slowly reveals itself. Some are pretty easy to figure out, others not so much. And when there are more pieces to put together, it takes longer and is increases the difficulty. Isn't our life with God just like a jigsaw puzzle? God already knows what the picture in the end will look like. He knows how every single piece of our life's puzzle will fit together long before we're even born. Every second of our life here on Earth, in Heaven, and for all Eternity has already been mapped out. And I know, just like everyone else, that sometimes we try to put two pieces of our life's puzzle together that don't fit. They belong in another part of our puzzle...or maybe they've found their way to the wrong box and don't fit in our puzzle at all. It's hard sometimes, especially when we want those pieces to fit so badly...or when two puzzle pieces are so similar that they LOOK like they should fit, but they don't. Putting together puzzles is challenging, frustrating, but also rewarding. You are putting together a beautiful picture. You have no idea what it is going to look like in the end, but you know it will be wonderful.
Every time we pick up a piece of our life's puzzle, we have to ask ourselves, "where does this piece go? Is it time to add this piece to my puzzle? Is it even MY puzzle piece?" and wait for God to answer. Patience. Oh my do I ever struggle with patience! I want things to be done MY way and NOW! Why won't God give me what I want this very second??? Story. Of. My. Life. But I'm working on it. I'll never completely get there, because it's in my nature to be strong-willed and stubborn (hey, God made me that way, so He knows how to deal with me, right?) ;-) But all kidding aside, I try. Some days are better than others, and that's ok. We weren't made to be perfect. We were just made to worship God and try and put the pieces of our life's puzzle together the best we can. If we listen, honestly listen, God will help us put those pieces together.
In the end, our life's picture will be beautiful. Yes there are ugly parts, but the overall picture is going to be so wonderful we will wonder why we spent so much time complaining about it. I imagine myself when I get to heaven standing next to Jesus, looking at my completed picture hanging in God's picture gallery in total awe and amazement. Then He says to me, "See? I told you it would be beautiful."
Friday, June 13, 2014
In the Waiting
This has been a tough week for me. I have come full-circle on one of the most difficult years of my life. This time last year, I was pregnant for the second time...and in a few days we would lose that baby too. We had lost our first baby just 9 months earlier. We would try again several times with the help of fertility drugs and IUI (artificial insemination) before deciding to take a break at the end of November last year. We were emotionally and physically spent. I had nothing left in me to keep trying, and felt God telling us to rest a while and regain some strength. Our fertility doctor wanted us to consider IVF (in-vitro fertilization), but after much prayer and discussion decided that wasn't right for us. We looked into adoption agencies and talked to adoptive parents...but that wasn't right for us at the time either. And so we waited...and waited...and waited some more. Still, God told us to rest. This winter, I felt myself slipping into depression. The deadness and darkness of winter overcame me. I withdrew from everything...from people, from my music, from my career...and sat day after day crying out "why??" I didn't want to face my problems. I didn't want to face my fears. I would much rather sit in the dark and not deal with anything. I certainly didn't want to hear what God had to say. I was angry, I was depressed, I wanted Him to solve all my problems NOW or leave me alone.
When spring came, I felt the fog start to lift and, like the buds on the trees beginning to emerge, I felt myself start to come back to life. I could feel my lungs breathing in a new kind of air. It was fresh, full of life and possibilities. I began to eat right and exercise again. I got a new haircut and a pedicure. I was starting to feel small glimpses of my former self come back to life. I was starting to feel good about myself again.
As I was pulling out of the funk that I had been in for months, I started listening to God more. I always thought I had listened, but I realized I had been listening like a teenager listens to her parents. My answers were more like "sure, ok God. Whatever you say," as I ran out the door to do something completely different. It wasn't so much that I was being defiant, it was more that I only heard what I wanted to hear. My mother calls it "selective hearing" (she claims my father has had this since the day they married. haha!). I have recently started listening more...really listening. I realized that I was doing things that God didn't intend for me to do. I was on a career path that He had not intended for me, at least not at this time in my life. And so I did a complete 180 and am now on a completely different path...but the right path. And it feels so good, so right. THIS is what God has intended for me!
This winter, my husband and I decided to give ourselves until June to make any further decisions about having a baby. We needed to focus on ourselves for awhile. I needed to focus on my health, specifically. June has come, and God is still saying WAIT. I don't know why, but He is. I know I'm getting older, and in 6 months I'll be at that magic age of 35 when the fertility world starts to panic. I'll have all sorts of labels plastered on me that make me high risk (but after two miscarriages, I probably have that label anyway). But, God wants us to wait just a little while longer. I'm not gonna lie - it is HARD! But I know that we are getting there. We are doing things now that will give us a better chance of having a baby later. My spontaneous personality is having a lot of trouble with that. I want all my wants and needs fulfilled NOW, not later! But we will get there. We still have hope. We know God always fulfills his promises, and we know that, in some way or another, we will be parents.
God is starting to reveal little things to us, and we know we have many decisions to make over the summer about many things. Not only do we have baby-making decisions to make, but we have career, house, financial, and other decisions to make. We have been in a period of waiting for a very long time...but we feel the time for action drawing nearer. Little by little, God is revealing to us our next course of action. We are trying to be obedient and do what He has called us to do. We know we won't have to wait forever, even when sometimes it feels that way.
When spring came, I felt the fog start to lift and, like the buds on the trees beginning to emerge, I felt myself start to come back to life. I could feel my lungs breathing in a new kind of air. It was fresh, full of life and possibilities. I began to eat right and exercise again. I got a new haircut and a pedicure. I was starting to feel small glimpses of my former self come back to life. I was starting to feel good about myself again.
As I was pulling out of the funk that I had been in for months, I started listening to God more. I always thought I had listened, but I realized I had been listening like a teenager listens to her parents. My answers were more like "sure, ok God. Whatever you say," as I ran out the door to do something completely different. It wasn't so much that I was being defiant, it was more that I only heard what I wanted to hear. My mother calls it "selective hearing" (she claims my father has had this since the day they married. haha!). I have recently started listening more...really listening. I realized that I was doing things that God didn't intend for me to do. I was on a career path that He had not intended for me, at least not at this time in my life. And so I did a complete 180 and am now on a completely different path...but the right path. And it feels so good, so right. THIS is what God has intended for me!
This winter, my husband and I decided to give ourselves until June to make any further decisions about having a baby. We needed to focus on ourselves for awhile. I needed to focus on my health, specifically. June has come, and God is still saying WAIT. I don't know why, but He is. I know I'm getting older, and in 6 months I'll be at that magic age of 35 when the fertility world starts to panic. I'll have all sorts of labels plastered on me that make me high risk (but after two miscarriages, I probably have that label anyway). But, God wants us to wait just a little while longer. I'm not gonna lie - it is HARD! But I know that we are getting there. We are doing things now that will give us a better chance of having a baby later. My spontaneous personality is having a lot of trouble with that. I want all my wants and needs fulfilled NOW, not later! But we will get there. We still have hope. We know God always fulfills his promises, and we know that, in some way or another, we will be parents.
God is starting to reveal little things to us, and we know we have many decisions to make over the summer about many things. Not only do we have baby-making decisions to make, but we have career, house, financial, and other decisions to make. We have been in a period of waiting for a very long time...but we feel the time for action drawing nearer. Little by little, God is revealing to us our next course of action. We are trying to be obedient and do what He has called us to do. We know we won't have to wait forever, even when sometimes it feels that way.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. -Romans 8:28
Friday, June 6, 2014
On the Road to Recovery - Mary's Story
Struggles. We all have them. Everyone struggles with SOMETHING. No one is perfect, no one has it all together despite what they may portray to the rest of the world. Everyone has an inner struggle that they are so desperately trying to overcome.
Let me tell you about my friend Mary. I met Mary about 4 years ago at my former church. The first time I saw Mary, before we even said one word to each other, I knew we had something in common. You see, Mary is not what we would consider a "normal" size. She isn't even what most would consider "fairly large." Mary is extremely obese. So large in fact, that her life is in danger. Her body is failing her, her organs are straining to support her, and she is on borrowed time. The moment I first saw her my heart ached for her, because I knew her struggle. I knew that deep down something was troubling her, and her inner struggle was showing on her outside. That morning, I prayed that God would connect me to Mary somehow. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to help her. But I didn't know how, and I certainly didn't want to offend her by approaching a very delicate subject. So I waited, and eventually Mary ended up coming to our community group, and our friendship began.
I haven't written about my struggle with my weight on this blog. Five years ago I weighed 374 pounds. I was miserable. I couldn't walk very far, and I could barely make it up one flight of steps without gasping for air. In August 2009 I had Lap Band surgery and my life began to change. I lost 162 pounds, and with that regained my life (and in the process got married to the love of my life!). I remember the night I made the decision to change my life. It was Christmas Eve 2008. I had thoroughly enjoyed my Christmas Eve...and by thoroughly enjoy I mean I was stuffed so full I could barely move. I felt sick. By then I had been researching weight loss surgeries for over a year, but was determined I was going to lose the weight by myself. I didn't want to be "one of those people" who needed surgery to lose weight. But that Christmas Eve, it became very clear to me that I needed to do something drastic or I was not going to live a very long life. The tears started to fall as I realized how sick I really was, and how much I needed help. In that moment, I decided I was going to have the Lap Band surgery. I cried myself to sleep that night. It was one of the lowest points in my life.
As I began the process to have the surgery, and following my surgery, I had to face many demons. I physically could not overeat anymore, so I was forced to deal with my struggles in other ways. I talked to counselors and went to Overeaters Anonymous, and finally began to piece my life back together. It was a brutal process, but it was a necessary one.
Eating disorders are scary. We talk often about anorexia and bulimia, which are very serious life-threatening diseases...but we rarely talk about compulsive overeating and food addiction. We brush off overweight people as lazy and tell them that they just need to eat less and exercise. Sometimes this is the case...but in my friend Mary's case, and in my case, it is far from it. My friend Mary and I suffer from an eating disorder. One that most of the medical community does not even recognize as a real disorder. It is just as serious and life-threatening as anorexia or bulimia. If someone can starve themselves because of a mental illness, why is it so difficult for us to believe that someone can do the opposite? Why must we belittle overweight people and brush off their obesity as just eating too much? My friends, compulsive overeating/food addiction is not really about the food. Let me give you a little glimpse into my (and my friend Mary's) life:
-An anorexic/bulimic has a distorted body image. They see themselves as fat, when in reality they are extremely thin. A compulsive overeater/food addict also has a distorted body image. They see themselves as thin when in reality they are extremely obese.
-An anorexic/bulimic starves themselves or vomits as a coping mechanism. A compulsive overeater/food addict copes by eating more (and almost always unhealthy) food.
-A bulimic can't stop themselves from throwing up food. A compulsive overeater cannot stop themselves from eating.
-An alcoholic is addicted to alcohol. Even one sip will trigger an alcoholic into relapse. A food addict is addicted to food (almost always multiple foods, or even just food in general). Even one bite of a certain food will send them into relapse. I once ate one cupcake that sent me into a 4-month relapse. ONE CUPCAKE.
You see where I'm going with this. This is not just having an inkling towards candy bars or emotional eating when you have a bad day. This is a serious mental illness. I have been in recovery from compulsive overeating and food addiction for 5 years. I have relapsed multiple times. I have gained weight and lost weight. I am currently not at my lowest weight in the last 5 years because of multiple relapses due to the tremendous stress I've been under with infertility and miscarriage. But I'll get there, and I'll be ok. But it is a struggle every single day. Every meal, every hour I have to make conscious decisions about what I am going to eat. I have to be more careful than most people because, if I am not careful, even the tiniest bite of something can send me into a full-out relapse and I will be back where I started. I have an eating disorder. It is a mental illness, and one which most of the world does not understand.
I did not mean to make this blog entry all about me, but I wanted to give you all some insight into what daily life is like for me and my friend Mary. Now, back to Mary. As I got to know Mary, I learned more about her. She is an incredible person. When I met her, she was homeless and jobless. She now has her own apartment and has a career as a freelance artist and graphic designer. Despite her success as an artist, she still struggles to make ends meet. But because of her size and condition, she cannot work a full-time job. It is not because she does not want to, it's because she is physically unable. She runs tech for her church and blesses more people than I can count with her talents. She is a very humble person, and she has a heart of gold. She would do anything for anybody. She has traveled a rough road and has overcome more than most of us will in an entire lifetime. But what amazes me the most about Mary is her humbleness and incredible generosity.
Now, after Mary has helped so many people, it is our turn to help her. Mary's condition is far worse than mine (and mine is/was pretty bad!). She needs help, and she has taken a huge step to get that help. In a couple weeks Mary will be heading down to a treatment center for eating disorders in Florida. She does not know how long she will be there...it could be 3 months, it could be longer. She is being sent to the Florida center instead of the one here in Pennsylvania because her condition is so severe. It is scary for her, but she knows this is where she needs to be. At this center she will receive intensive inpatient treatment for her eating disorder and, God-willing, learn how to live a life free from compulsive overeating and food addiction.
While this center is going to give her the best possible chance to have a long, healthy life, it also comes with a price. A price that Mary cannot pay on her own. It is expensive, even for someone like me who has an average middle-class income. Mary has reached out to ask for money to help her on this journey, which I know was extremely hard for her to do. If you feel it in your heart to help this amazing woman, please click on the link below to access her fundraising page. Every little bit helps, and every dollar gets her closer to recovery. Please consider a donation. If you cannot give money, please pray for her on this journey. She will not have access to internet while she is there, but one of her friends has created a Facebook page for her and will be updating it while Mary is at the center. I will leave that link below also so you can follow her road to recovery.
I know this was a long entry, and if you have read this far - thank you! As Christians we are called to help one another, and this particular situation has been weighing very heavy on my heart. Mary is a beautiful person, inside and out. She has a long journey ahead of her, and I cannot wait for the day when her body is healthy again and can support her stunning inner beauty and her gorgeous soul. :-)
Let me tell you about my friend Mary. I met Mary about 4 years ago at my former church. The first time I saw Mary, before we even said one word to each other, I knew we had something in common. You see, Mary is not what we would consider a "normal" size. She isn't even what most would consider "fairly large." Mary is extremely obese. So large in fact, that her life is in danger. Her body is failing her, her organs are straining to support her, and she is on borrowed time. The moment I first saw her my heart ached for her, because I knew her struggle. I knew that deep down something was troubling her, and her inner struggle was showing on her outside. That morning, I prayed that God would connect me to Mary somehow. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to help her. But I didn't know how, and I certainly didn't want to offend her by approaching a very delicate subject. So I waited, and eventually Mary ended up coming to our community group, and our friendship began.
I haven't written about my struggle with my weight on this blog. Five years ago I weighed 374 pounds. I was miserable. I couldn't walk very far, and I could barely make it up one flight of steps without gasping for air. In August 2009 I had Lap Band surgery and my life began to change. I lost 162 pounds, and with that regained my life (and in the process got married to the love of my life!). I remember the night I made the decision to change my life. It was Christmas Eve 2008. I had thoroughly enjoyed my Christmas Eve...and by thoroughly enjoy I mean I was stuffed so full I could barely move. I felt sick. By then I had been researching weight loss surgeries for over a year, but was determined I was going to lose the weight by myself. I didn't want to be "one of those people" who needed surgery to lose weight. But that Christmas Eve, it became very clear to me that I needed to do something drastic or I was not going to live a very long life. The tears started to fall as I realized how sick I really was, and how much I needed help. In that moment, I decided I was going to have the Lap Band surgery. I cried myself to sleep that night. It was one of the lowest points in my life.
As I began the process to have the surgery, and following my surgery, I had to face many demons. I physically could not overeat anymore, so I was forced to deal with my struggles in other ways. I talked to counselors and went to Overeaters Anonymous, and finally began to piece my life back together. It was a brutal process, but it was a necessary one.
Eating disorders are scary. We talk often about anorexia and bulimia, which are very serious life-threatening diseases...but we rarely talk about compulsive overeating and food addiction. We brush off overweight people as lazy and tell them that they just need to eat less and exercise. Sometimes this is the case...but in my friend Mary's case, and in my case, it is far from it. My friend Mary and I suffer from an eating disorder. One that most of the medical community does not even recognize as a real disorder. It is just as serious and life-threatening as anorexia or bulimia. If someone can starve themselves because of a mental illness, why is it so difficult for us to believe that someone can do the opposite? Why must we belittle overweight people and brush off their obesity as just eating too much? My friends, compulsive overeating/food addiction is not really about the food. Let me give you a little glimpse into my (and my friend Mary's) life:
-An anorexic/bulimic has a distorted body image. They see themselves as fat, when in reality they are extremely thin. A compulsive overeater/food addict also has a distorted body image. They see themselves as thin when in reality they are extremely obese.
-An anorexic/bulimic starves themselves or vomits as a coping mechanism. A compulsive overeater/food addict copes by eating more (and almost always unhealthy) food.
-A bulimic can't stop themselves from throwing up food. A compulsive overeater cannot stop themselves from eating.
-An alcoholic is addicted to alcohol. Even one sip will trigger an alcoholic into relapse. A food addict is addicted to food (almost always multiple foods, or even just food in general). Even one bite of a certain food will send them into relapse. I once ate one cupcake that sent me into a 4-month relapse. ONE CUPCAKE.
You see where I'm going with this. This is not just having an inkling towards candy bars or emotional eating when you have a bad day. This is a serious mental illness. I have been in recovery from compulsive overeating and food addiction for 5 years. I have relapsed multiple times. I have gained weight and lost weight. I am currently not at my lowest weight in the last 5 years because of multiple relapses due to the tremendous stress I've been under with infertility and miscarriage. But I'll get there, and I'll be ok. But it is a struggle every single day. Every meal, every hour I have to make conscious decisions about what I am going to eat. I have to be more careful than most people because, if I am not careful, even the tiniest bite of something can send me into a full-out relapse and I will be back where I started. I have an eating disorder. It is a mental illness, and one which most of the world does not understand.
I did not mean to make this blog entry all about me, but I wanted to give you all some insight into what daily life is like for me and my friend Mary. Now, back to Mary. As I got to know Mary, I learned more about her. She is an incredible person. When I met her, she was homeless and jobless. She now has her own apartment and has a career as a freelance artist and graphic designer. Despite her success as an artist, she still struggles to make ends meet. But because of her size and condition, she cannot work a full-time job. It is not because she does not want to, it's because she is physically unable. She runs tech for her church and blesses more people than I can count with her talents. She is a very humble person, and she has a heart of gold. She would do anything for anybody. She has traveled a rough road and has overcome more than most of us will in an entire lifetime. But what amazes me the most about Mary is her humbleness and incredible generosity.
Now, after Mary has helped so many people, it is our turn to help her. Mary's condition is far worse than mine (and mine is/was pretty bad!). She needs help, and she has taken a huge step to get that help. In a couple weeks Mary will be heading down to a treatment center for eating disorders in Florida. She does not know how long she will be there...it could be 3 months, it could be longer. She is being sent to the Florida center instead of the one here in Pennsylvania because her condition is so severe. It is scary for her, but she knows this is where she needs to be. At this center she will receive intensive inpatient treatment for her eating disorder and, God-willing, learn how to live a life free from compulsive overeating and food addiction.
While this center is going to give her the best possible chance to have a long, healthy life, it also comes with a price. A price that Mary cannot pay on her own. It is expensive, even for someone like me who has an average middle-class income. Mary has reached out to ask for money to help her on this journey, which I know was extremely hard for her to do. If you feel it in your heart to help this amazing woman, please click on the link below to access her fundraising page. Every little bit helps, and every dollar gets her closer to recovery. Please consider a donation. If you cannot give money, please pray for her on this journey. She will not have access to internet while she is there, but one of her friends has created a Facebook page for her and will be updating it while Mary is at the center. I will leave that link below also so you can follow her road to recovery.
I know this was a long entry, and if you have read this far - thank you! As Christians we are called to help one another, and this particular situation has been weighing very heavy on my heart. Mary is a beautiful person, inside and out. She has a long journey ahead of her, and I cannot wait for the day when her body is healthy again and can support her stunning inner beauty and her gorgeous soul. :-)
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| Mary "before." Can't wait to see the "after!" |
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Donate to support Mary's journey here:
http://www.gofundme.com/HalfMySize
http://www.gofundme.com/HalfMySize
Follow Mary's journey here:
https://www.facebook.com/HalfMySizeMary
https://www.facebook.com/HalfMySizeMary
Monday, May 5, 2014
Mother's Day
Mother's Day is this week. I dread it. All the happy celebration of moms, the overwhelming TV ads, store displays, emails and Hallmark cards. I am bombarded by reminders that I have no living children. It pierces through my soul like a hot knife. A day that is so happy for so many, and should be happy for me, is a painful reminder of what should have been. Mother's Day is a day of celebration and joy for most people - and it should be! But for some of us, it is a very difficult day. It comes with pain and tears, and memories of the babies we once carried in our wombs. As Mother's Day approaches, I find myself filling up with anxiety. I am surrounded by pregnant women and new moms celebrating their very first Mother's Day. I can't even go to church this Sunday. Being at a new church I don't know how they handle Mother's Day...but I know from 34 years of experience that churches tend to make a big deal of it. And they should. Moms are the ones who give us life, and that is to be celebrated! But I can't handle it. I can't sit there and watch all the other women be celebrated while I suffer in silence. It is too painful.
I have promised to be gentle with myself this week. It may be that I'll be able to go about my week and be fine. But it may also be that I will need to take moments to take a step back. To sit and cry, to write, to sing, or to do whatever will help me through the tough moments. I don't know when or if those moments will come, but if they do I have given myself permission to take the time I need to endure them. And I just want all my friends and family to know, that if I don't seem particularly excited, or even interested, in Mother's Day it's not because I don't love and honor mothers. It's not because I am selfish or want attention or anything of a sort. It's because Sunday is a day that is just downright painful for me. I haven't quite figured out how to handle it, either. And that's ok. If people have a problem with it, well, to be honest that's their problem not mine. I deal with this week and this day as it comes, and sometimes I am ok and sometimes I am not. And this week, I am giving myself permission to be whatever I am at the moment. If you are a bereaved momma, please give yourself the same permission. Nobody but you knows what you feel inside. Nobody but you knows how easy or difficult Mother's Day might be for you. Nobody can tell you how to handle it. Be gentle with yourself dear momma, and take the moments you need to help yourself through this week.
I also want to tell the world one more thing...and you may think I am crazy, but frankly I don't really care what anyone else thinks. What I want to tell the world is this:
I have promised to be gentle with myself this week. It may be that I'll be able to go about my week and be fine. But it may also be that I will need to take moments to take a step back. To sit and cry, to write, to sing, or to do whatever will help me through the tough moments. I don't know when or if those moments will come, but if they do I have given myself permission to take the time I need to endure them. And I just want all my friends and family to know, that if I don't seem particularly excited, or even interested, in Mother's Day it's not because I don't love and honor mothers. It's not because I am selfish or want attention or anything of a sort. It's because Sunday is a day that is just downright painful for me. I haven't quite figured out how to handle it, either. And that's ok. If people have a problem with it, well, to be honest that's their problem not mine. I deal with this week and this day as it comes, and sometimes I am ok and sometimes I am not. And this week, I am giving myself permission to be whatever I am at the moment. If you are a bereaved momma, please give yourself the same permission. Nobody but you knows what you feel inside. Nobody but you knows how easy or difficult Mother's Day might be for you. Nobody can tell you how to handle it. Be gentle with yourself dear momma, and take the moments you need to help yourself through this week.
I also want to tell the world one more thing...and you may think I am crazy, but frankly I don't really care what anyone else thinks. What I want to tell the world is this:
I AM A MOTHER.
My children aren't here on Earth, but God gave me the honor and the responsibility to carry two beautiful souls inside me. Even if it was only for a short time, they were here. I saw them both on an ultrasound screen. I heard our first baby's heart beat. God entrusted them to me for a time, and then He called them home. With both of those tiny babies, my body labored. I was in tremendous pain for days as my body tried to expel them. I delivered both of them at home, privately in my bathroom, with only my husband nearby. I cried in agony, both from the tremendous physical pain, and from the emotional pain. I cried out to God, asking him WHY?!? It is a pain I do not wish on anyone.
But the fact remains. I AM A MOTHER. If you have had a miscarriage, or a stillborn baby, or lost a baby after birth - YOU are also a MOTHER. I am tired of having to pretend that my babies weren't significant. I will meet them one day, I am sure of it. I pray that God also gives me children to tend to and love while here on Earth and watch them grow into adults. I will not give up on that. But I love my angel babies in heaven just the same.
I can't tell you how to treat your bereaved momma friends this Mother's Day, because every bereaved momma handles it differently. For me, I will celebrate with my mother, for she is the one who gave me life! I love my mother for the beautiful woman she is, and I will celebrate her. I will celebrate my grandmother, who has always been like a second mother to me. But outside of my immediate family, while the rest of the world is telling all the women of the world how wonderful they are because they are mothers, I will simply stay away. Away from the media, away from Facebook, away from all the reminders that the world shoves onto me that my motherhood will not be celebrated. Instead, I will sit quietly in prayer and talk to my angel babies, telling them that their Earthly mother loves them and I look forward to meeting them someday. And I will thank God for entrusting me to care for them for a short time, and thank Him for taking care of them in Heaven while I finish what He has for me to do on Earth. That is how I will celebrate my motherhood and honor my heavenly children this Mother's Day.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
God Heals the Broken
This weekend was joyful and painful at the same time. Joyful celebrating my grandmother's 90th birthday, and seeing family I haven't seen in a long time. Joyful celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ in the most powerful and uplifting Easter Sunday service I've ever been honored to be a part of. Yes, there was much joy and celebration this weekend!
But there was also pain. This weekend we should have been celebrating our first child's first birthday. He or she was supposed to arrive around April 21st. Instead, our family remains incomplete and childless.
God has kept me busy around my would-be due date the past two years. Last year, on the day I should have been delivering a baby, I ran my 2nd 5K. I didn't have time to think about what was missing because I was too busy trying to make it to the finish line. This year I was consumed with planning my grandmother's 90th birthday party and preparing for Easter Sunday services. Thank you Lord for keeping me occupied during this time!
There were a few moments this weekend when I felt the tears well up behind my eyes. I remember watching my nephews & niece play in my parents' backyard, wondering what it would be like with my son or daughter playing with them. I remember holding my 10 month old nephew, seeing such joy in his eyes and laughter in his voice. I looked for signs of my sister and my brother-in-law in him, wondering what our baby would look like. Would he/she have my nose? My husband's eyes? Whose hair would he/she get? It's crazy to think that twice now, there has been life inside me, being stitched together by God, just the perfect fusion of me and my husband...that was taken away all too soon.
There was a moment this weekend when I was reminded that God has the power to heal. Our church showed a video of several people facing battles and how God has restored them. Naturally, there was a couple in the video who had battled infertility and miscarriage and are now pregnant. The tears came, of course, but in that moment I was reminded that we are not done fighting this battle. We press on, despite the challenges. We keep going, we keep trying, we keep believing that at the end of this long road there is a child waiting for us. In the midst of this battle it is often hard to keep going. So many times I have wanted to give up. So many times I have thought, "is this really worth it?" The answer to that is yes, it is worth it. It is worth every agonizing moment.
My husband and I started watching a series called "The Bible" on Netflix last night (the same series that aired sometime last year). In the very first episode, they portrayed the story of Abraham and Sarah. God promised Abraham that Sarah would bear a son, and He did. Sarah waited many, many years for her son, but God fulfilled His promise. I was reminded last night of the dream I had years ago of my daughter Elizabeth Grace. I know that God has made me a promise, and I know that He will fulfill it. God will heal my womb, I am certain of it. I just have to have faith that He knows what He is doing. Is it always easy? No. Sometimes it seems downright impossible. But I know without a doubt that God is already working on healing me. He already knows when my husband and I will have children, and who they will be and what THEY will have to eventually overcome. He knows, because He has already written our story.
The other day I was again pondering why it is that my husband and I have been put through this struggle. It is painful, it is agonizing, it makes me question everything I believe in. It has strained relationships...some of which have not survived. It has made me see the world much differently than I did 2 years ago. I am different because of what I have gone through. God has cleansed my soul and made me new. He knew that I would be broken into a million pieces, and slowly be put back together, each piece stronger than it was before. God knew this would be hard on me, but He also knew I was strong enough to endure it. And I also know that He heals, and I have more faith than ever before that He is already healing me. It just took me this long to believe it.
Whatever you are facing, GOD IS WITH YOU.
He is guiding you - TRUST Him
He has created a path for you - FOLLOW Him.
He says He will heal you - BELIEVE Him.
He knows what is best for you - Have FAITH in Him.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Letting Go
I've been putting off writing this blog...because it's a difficult one for me to write. It's not even one that I necessarily WANT to write, but I know I have to. I've started writing this several times over the past few weeks and never quite got through it until now.
Let me back up a bit, so you all understand where I'm coming from. It is amazing to me how God puts us in exactly the right situation at exactly the right time. This past fall, my husband and I made a heart-wrenching decision to leave our church. It was a church that we both loved and had helped us grow in our faith tremendously. We were married in that church and met some of our closest friends at that church. The worship team that I was a part of there was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. But as much as we loved it there, we also knew it wasn't the right place for us anymore. So with heavy hearts we said our goodbyes and ventured out into the world of what I call "church shopping."
It took awhile, but in January my husband and I finally felt like we had found our new church home. I can't quite explain it, but at some point my husband and I just looked at each other and said, "we belong here." This church has challenged our faith in so many ways in the short time we've been there, and every single sermon has spoken to us in a unique way. Through this season of our lives, we have been led through some tough questions, challenges, and revelations given to us by God through the pastors on Sunday mornings. My husband and I have worked through a lot over the past few months. There is no doubt in our mind that God brought us to this particular church, at this particular time in our lives, to listen to these particular people speak, to work through these particular obstacles that we are facing.
About a month ago I experienced one of the most powerful services I can remember in my lifetime. I've certainly had my share of grief over the past two years. I knew the topic of the sermon going in, and expected I might shed a few tears...but I was in no way prepared for what happened to me in that hour.
Our pastor spoke about grief, and how we deal with grief when we've experienced loss and "hit the wall" of faith so to speak. How sometimes we have to sit at that wall for awhile before we can push through it, and then how we push through it to experience God on a whole new level. I've been sitting at this wall for quite awhile, afraid of what might happen if I push through. I've pushed through walls of faith before, I've been through times of darkness. But this time has been so different for so many reasons. I've been afraid to walk through that wall. I'm still afraid, but as an act of obedience to God I have started to push through this wall. It's not easy, but it is making me grow as a person.
During the service, our pastor had us reflect on our losses. There was a little survey in the bulletin where we were to write (fill in the blank style) about our losses. What our loss was. How we felt when we experienced that loss. Those were easy to fill out. When I lost my babies, I was angry, hurt, sad, confused, questioning "why," betrayed...basically every negative emotion a human can feel. Writing these things down brought all the emotions back to the forefront of my mind. Tears began to fall. Our pastor spoke a little more, telling the story of when he lost his father and helping us work through the emotions we were all feeling. How we had to let go of our losses and give the to God in order to be able to move on. It doesn't mean we don't love the people we lost. It doesn't mean we never think about them. It doesn't even mean we're ever done saying goodbye. I don't think there was a dry eye in the room.
And then came the hard part. Letting go. I remember this moment clear as day. The sentence read "Now, I am letting go. I am saying goodbye to ." As the tears started streaming down my cheeks, I knew I had to write it. But I didn't WANT to write it. My hands trembled. I felt my husband put his arm around me. We hadn't spoken one word since the service started, but we both knew what the other was thinking. In that moment, I let God's spirit take over me and I felt him say to me, "you have to write this. I know you don't want to, but you have to. It's ok, I've got you." My pen hovered over that blank line for what felt like an eternity. Finally, as the music began to play, and as an act of obedience to God, I wrote it: "my babies."
I don't remember much of the next few minutes. I know there was music, and I know I couldn't sing because every time I tried more tears came. I know I felt the spirit of God surrounding me like I hadn't felt in a long time. There were hundreds of people in the room, but at that very moment it felt like it was just me, my husband, and God. I pictured my babies being scooped up into God's loving arms. I said a silent prayer, telling God that I trusted Him to take care of them until I came home to meet them. Even now as I write this, tears are streaming down my cheeks once again.
I know I was supposed to be in that very place on that Sunday morning. God had work to do with me and my husband that day. My husband and I came home that afternoon and we wrote a note to our angel babies. We told them that we love them, and that we look forward to meeting them in heaven. We told them that they have people in heaven that love them, and people here on Earth that love them. And we told them that God will take care of them while we are still here on Earth. We signed it "Mommy & Daddy" and sealed it in an envelope.
I received a Chinese lantern at a conference in January. I was never sure how I was going to use it until that morning. My husband and I have decided that, as a symbol of releasing our angel babies to God in heaven, we are going to release this Chinese lantern with the note we wrote to our babies. Because of our schedules and this crazy weather we've been having, we haven't yet found a night that we have been able to do it. But we will. It is something that will help us in the healing process, since we never got to have funerals for our babies. There was never anything we did that symbolized them going to heaven so that we could say goodbye and have closure. Now we have that.
I've realized through all this that I haven't been able to move on and heal because I haven't been able to close the door to the past. I love the babies we lost, but dwelling on the losses will not help me heal. I have come full-circle on one of the most difficult years of my life...two miscarriages and losing my cousin. It was rough. I've finally been able to let go and say goodbye. Does it mean I'll never grieve again? No. Grief can last a lifetime. There will always be reminders around us of those we lost. There will be times we wish we could share moments with them. We will always miss them. But to be able to move on is important. To say goodbye is important. I said goodbye to my babies as an act of obedience...it wasn't because I wanted to. But God knew I needed to, and God always knows better than I do!
I'm in a better place of healing now. I'm listening to God better now. I am pushing through the wall of faith that I've been sitting at for so long, afraid of what's on the other side. And you know what? I'm liking what's on the other side. I'm not quite there yet, but I am seeing glimpses of what is coming...and it is wonderful. God will provide, and if you only just take the time to listen to Him, He will guide you through. Rarely is it ever easy, but always it is worth it.
"Come near to God and he will come near to you." -James 4:8
Let me back up a bit, so you all understand where I'm coming from. It is amazing to me how God puts us in exactly the right situation at exactly the right time. This past fall, my husband and I made a heart-wrenching decision to leave our church. It was a church that we both loved and had helped us grow in our faith tremendously. We were married in that church and met some of our closest friends at that church. The worship team that I was a part of there was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. But as much as we loved it there, we also knew it wasn't the right place for us anymore. So with heavy hearts we said our goodbyes and ventured out into the world of what I call "church shopping."
It took awhile, but in January my husband and I finally felt like we had found our new church home. I can't quite explain it, but at some point my husband and I just looked at each other and said, "we belong here." This church has challenged our faith in so many ways in the short time we've been there, and every single sermon has spoken to us in a unique way. Through this season of our lives, we have been led through some tough questions, challenges, and revelations given to us by God through the pastors on Sunday mornings. My husband and I have worked through a lot over the past few months. There is no doubt in our mind that God brought us to this particular church, at this particular time in our lives, to listen to these particular people speak, to work through these particular obstacles that we are facing.
About a month ago I experienced one of the most powerful services I can remember in my lifetime. I've certainly had my share of grief over the past two years. I knew the topic of the sermon going in, and expected I might shed a few tears...but I was in no way prepared for what happened to me in that hour.
Our pastor spoke about grief, and how we deal with grief when we've experienced loss and "hit the wall" of faith so to speak. How sometimes we have to sit at that wall for awhile before we can push through it, and then how we push through it to experience God on a whole new level. I've been sitting at this wall for quite awhile, afraid of what might happen if I push through. I've pushed through walls of faith before, I've been through times of darkness. But this time has been so different for so many reasons. I've been afraid to walk through that wall. I'm still afraid, but as an act of obedience to God I have started to push through this wall. It's not easy, but it is making me grow as a person.
During the service, our pastor had us reflect on our losses. There was a little survey in the bulletin where we were to write (fill in the blank style) about our losses. What our loss was. How we felt when we experienced that loss. Those were easy to fill out. When I lost my babies, I was angry, hurt, sad, confused, questioning "why," betrayed...basically every negative emotion a human can feel. Writing these things down brought all the emotions back to the forefront of my mind. Tears began to fall. Our pastor spoke a little more, telling the story of when he lost his father and helping us work through the emotions we were all feeling. How we had to let go of our losses and give the to God in order to be able to move on. It doesn't mean we don't love the people we lost. It doesn't mean we never think about them. It doesn't even mean we're ever done saying goodbye. I don't think there was a dry eye in the room.
And then came the hard part. Letting go. I remember this moment clear as day. The sentence read "Now, I am letting go. I am saying goodbye to ." As the tears started streaming down my cheeks, I knew I had to write it. But I didn't WANT to write it. My hands trembled. I felt my husband put his arm around me. We hadn't spoken one word since the service started, but we both knew what the other was thinking. In that moment, I let God's spirit take over me and I felt him say to me, "you have to write this. I know you don't want to, but you have to. It's ok, I've got you." My pen hovered over that blank line for what felt like an eternity. Finally, as the music began to play, and as an act of obedience to God, I wrote it: "my babies."
I don't remember much of the next few minutes. I know there was music, and I know I couldn't sing because every time I tried more tears came. I know I felt the spirit of God surrounding me like I hadn't felt in a long time. There were hundreds of people in the room, but at that very moment it felt like it was just me, my husband, and God. I pictured my babies being scooped up into God's loving arms. I said a silent prayer, telling God that I trusted Him to take care of them until I came home to meet them. Even now as I write this, tears are streaming down my cheeks once again.
I know I was supposed to be in that very place on that Sunday morning. God had work to do with me and my husband that day. My husband and I came home that afternoon and we wrote a note to our angel babies. We told them that we love them, and that we look forward to meeting them in heaven. We told them that they have people in heaven that love them, and people here on Earth that love them. And we told them that God will take care of them while we are still here on Earth. We signed it "Mommy & Daddy" and sealed it in an envelope.
I received a Chinese lantern at a conference in January. I was never sure how I was going to use it until that morning. My husband and I have decided that, as a symbol of releasing our angel babies to God in heaven, we are going to release this Chinese lantern with the note we wrote to our babies. Because of our schedules and this crazy weather we've been having, we haven't yet found a night that we have been able to do it. But we will. It is something that will help us in the healing process, since we never got to have funerals for our babies. There was never anything we did that symbolized them going to heaven so that we could say goodbye and have closure. Now we have that.
I've realized through all this that I haven't been able to move on and heal because I haven't been able to close the door to the past. I love the babies we lost, but dwelling on the losses will not help me heal. I have come full-circle on one of the most difficult years of my life...two miscarriages and losing my cousin. It was rough. I've finally been able to let go and say goodbye. Does it mean I'll never grieve again? No. Grief can last a lifetime. There will always be reminders around us of those we lost. There will be times we wish we could share moments with them. We will always miss them. But to be able to move on is important. To say goodbye is important. I said goodbye to my babies as an act of obedience...it wasn't because I wanted to. But God knew I needed to, and God always knows better than I do!
I'm in a better place of healing now. I'm listening to God better now. I am pushing through the wall of faith that I've been sitting at for so long, afraid of what's on the other side. And you know what? I'm liking what's on the other side. I'm not quite there yet, but I am seeing glimpses of what is coming...and it is wonderful. God will provide, and if you only just take the time to listen to Him, He will guide you through. Rarely is it ever easy, but always it is worth it.
"Come near to God and he will come near to you." -James 4:8
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Carry Each Other's Burdens
My husband and I attended a fundraising dinner over the weekend for a non-profit organization founded by two of our good friends. Their mission is to offer a safe place for people to go where they can talk to someone about their struggles. It's a wonderful organization that has helped so many people, and I admire our friends' strength as they listen to the world's burdens and, I imagine, hear some really painful stories. It takes very special people to do what they do. They have helped me in my own struggles as well.
The speaker for the evening was phenomenal. Deeply profound, yet able to put a hilarious twist on every day life. He talked about how important it is for people to have someone they can talk to. How important the connections we have as humans are. His whole speech was centered around this one Bible verse:
The speaker for the evening was phenomenal. Deeply profound, yet able to put a hilarious twist on every day life. He talked about how important it is for people to have someone they can talk to. How important the connections we have as humans are. His whole speech was centered around this one Bible verse:
Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. -Galatians 6:2
The speaker kept coming back to this verse, repeating it several times throughout his speech. He drove the point home: We are to take part in carrying each other's burdens. This is part of being a child of God. No one should be left to carry life's burdens alone.
Too often we get so caught up in our own lives and our own struggles that we fail to see the people around us who are also struggling. I am guilty of this myself, we all are. Life gets busy, we focus on our own needs and where we have to get to next. I heard a story this weekend of someone that was so wrapped up in his own work that he failed to see that someone was reaching to him for help...and that person later took their own life. When I heard that, I thought wow, how many times have I failed to see past my own busy life and take the time to listen to someone who really needed help? I could tell you a handful of times this has happened...but I am sure there are many more times of which I am completely unaware.
So how do we become more mindful of others' struggles? How do we help them carry their burdens, as God intended for us to do? It starts with being more observant - seeing the world with open eyes, past our own struggles and the worries of every day life. It means taking the time to listen, to ask that question "do you need to talk?", even when it means putting our own lives aside for a moment. It means letting people know you care. It means taking the time even when you don't think you have the time. It means praying with people or for people (yes, even those you don't particularly like!). Sometimes it's just a hug, or a smile. But always, it's doing things for people with LOVE.
I was reminded today of the reason why I started this blog. HOPE. I didn't start it to get attention, or sympathy, or anything of a sort. I didn't start it to cause arguments with people who don't understand my struggles (though this once in awhile has been an unfortunate side effect). No, I started this blog because when I was facing the road of infertility, I discovered it was a long, lonely road. Many people stand on the side of the road and try to help, but they don't really know how. Once in awhile I come across someone else walking the road with me, and we connect in a way that I can't connect with anyone else. But those people are few and far between...although I know there are others. There are others who feel like they are alone, navigating a confusing and often hopeless road that offers very few (if any) answers. I want those people to know they are not alone. I am walking with you, right beside you, holding your hand, grabbing your arm and letting you lean on me when you're too weak to walk on your own. Sometimes I'm leaning right back against you, and we slowly move forward leaning on each other. We are helping each other carry this burden. And when the burden becomes too heavy for the both of us to carry, God reaches down and carries it for us. Sometimes He carries US, because we are just too devastated and broken to walk at all.
But it is my hope that this blog will reach far beyond the world of infertility. I write about it because it is my burden, and others who feel lonely will now have someone to share that burden. But my hope is that others who are struggling will find this blog and be able to find hope and love here as well.
We are not alone in our struggles. We carry each others' burdens, because we are God's children and that is how He meant it to be.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Beautiful Things
As I was on the treadmill this afternoon, the song "Beautiful Things" starting playing in my earbuds. Normally this isn't the type of song I would play when working out. It's not exactly an upbeat go get 'em pump it up type of song. But I was in the middle of one of my runs when it came on and struggling to get through it, and I didn't want to waste any energy picking up my iPhone and hitting the "next" button. I needed all the energy I could muster to get through my workout today.
I often think that God gives me exactly the song I need to hear at exactly the right moment. This was one of those moments. As crazy as it sounds, this afternoon I believe was a turning point for me. All it took was a song you say? Well, I AM a musician after all! In all seriousness though, sometimes it's a small moment in time that makes the biggest difference. It's not always a huge event. Sometimes it's just 3 minutes on a treadmill on an ordinary day.
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us.
As I listened, I knew that God was...IS going to make something beautiful out of me, out of my life. We are human, which means there is a lot of ugliness inside us. It is our nature. But God takes that ugliness and shapes it into something beautiful. He takes our trials and pain and turns it into something good. He loves ALL of us, including every little imperfection in us. It's hard to remember this sometimes. It's hard to remember that even our ugly imperfections are a part of who we are, who God made us to be. Sometimes it's hard not to focus on the ugliness. Sometimes it consumes you.
I realized today that I've been letting FEAR consume me. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. What if I'm never a mom? What if I don't meet my business goals? What if I can't lose weight again? What if I never do anything with my music again? I've had days these past few weeks when I couldn't leave the couch. I've ignored phone calls because I simply don't want to talk to anyone. Days have gone by where the only things I accomplished were waking up and feeding myself. To say I've been in a real funk and have had trouble pulling myself out of it. Why have I let this happen? HOW did I let it happen? Fear sneaks up on you sometimes. First it's just little things...and then it slowly builds. It snowballs into a giant avalanche until you realize you're about to fall off a very high cliff. Hopefully you wake up and climb back up the mountain. Sometimes it takes someone else to help you climb...or even to help you realize where you are.
My husband, God bless him, is a very quiet and patient man. On days when I just can't seem to do anything, he picks up the slack and does things like cook dinner and go on ice cream runs. It must be difficult as a husband to know when to say something to your wife, especially since we women tend to be a tad bit (ok a lot) more emotional than men. My husband wants to be sympathetic and just give me a shoulder to cry on. I appreciate that so much. But over the weekend, my husband finally said something to me about this funk I've been in...and that I appreciate so much more. We had a lengthy discussion about it, which turned into another lengthy discussion about what to do about having a baby. We now we have a new plan, and a new deadline for pursuing fertility treatments that I am comfortable with. We are holding off a little bit longer because we realize that I need to take care of myself right now. That was a difficult decision to make, but we both know it is the right one. Kudos to my husband for having the courage to say what I needed to hear, even if I didn't want to hear it at the time.
Fear holds us back. It consumes us if we let it. We have faith in God but are consumed by fear...but fear does not come from God. Fear is from the enemy. The enemy does not want you to win. The enemy doesn't want you to succeed. The enemy doesn't want you to do God's will. The enemy plants fears into our hearts and minds to hold us back from what God wants us to do. But you know what?
I often think that God gives me exactly the song I need to hear at exactly the right moment. This was one of those moments. As crazy as it sounds, this afternoon I believe was a turning point for me. All it took was a song you say? Well, I AM a musician after all! In all seriousness though, sometimes it's a small moment in time that makes the biggest difference. It's not always a huge event. Sometimes it's just 3 minutes on a treadmill on an ordinary day.
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us.
As I listened, I knew that God was...IS going to make something beautiful out of me, out of my life. We are human, which means there is a lot of ugliness inside us. It is our nature. But God takes that ugliness and shapes it into something beautiful. He takes our trials and pain and turns it into something good. He loves ALL of us, including every little imperfection in us. It's hard to remember this sometimes. It's hard to remember that even our ugly imperfections are a part of who we are, who God made us to be. Sometimes it's hard not to focus on the ugliness. Sometimes it consumes you.
I realized today that I've been letting FEAR consume me. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. What if I'm never a mom? What if I don't meet my business goals? What if I can't lose weight again? What if I never do anything with my music again? I've had days these past few weeks when I couldn't leave the couch. I've ignored phone calls because I simply don't want to talk to anyone. Days have gone by where the only things I accomplished were waking up and feeding myself. To say I've been in a real funk and have had trouble pulling myself out of it. Why have I let this happen? HOW did I let it happen? Fear sneaks up on you sometimes. First it's just little things...and then it slowly builds. It snowballs into a giant avalanche until you realize you're about to fall off a very high cliff. Hopefully you wake up and climb back up the mountain. Sometimes it takes someone else to help you climb...or even to help you realize where you are.
My husband, God bless him, is a very quiet and patient man. On days when I just can't seem to do anything, he picks up the slack and does things like cook dinner and go on ice cream runs. It must be difficult as a husband to know when to say something to your wife, especially since we women tend to be a tad bit (ok a lot) more emotional than men. My husband wants to be sympathetic and just give me a shoulder to cry on. I appreciate that so much. But over the weekend, my husband finally said something to me about this funk I've been in...and that I appreciate so much more. We had a lengthy discussion about it, which turned into another lengthy discussion about what to do about having a baby. We now we have a new plan, and a new deadline for pursuing fertility treatments that I am comfortable with. We are holding off a little bit longer because we realize that I need to take care of myself right now. That was a difficult decision to make, but we both know it is the right one. Kudos to my husband for having the courage to say what I needed to hear, even if I didn't want to hear it at the time.
Fear holds us back. It consumes us if we let it. We have faith in God but are consumed by fear...but fear does not come from God. Fear is from the enemy. The enemy does not want you to win. The enemy doesn't want you to succeed. The enemy doesn't want you to do God's will. The enemy plants fears into our hearts and minds to hold us back from what God wants us to do. But you know what?
FEAR AND FAITH CANNOT LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE!!!
We all have, and will have in the future, battles with fear. I am in the midst of a huge battle with fear. But I will not let fear win. I can choose to wallow in my own self-pity about the past few weeks, or I can get up and dust myself off and move forward. I choose to move forward.
God will make beautiful things out of us if we only let Him. God will put the pieces in front of us, he will lay out the path...but it is our choice whether or not we pick up those pieces and walk that path. That's the beauty of the free will God gave us. We don't always know what He is doing. We can't see His plan for us...but we can open our eyes to the things He lays before us.
Sometimes, it's just a song you hear while running on a treadmill.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
In His Hands
This song has been running on a continuous loop in my head for the past week or so:
Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm
Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn
In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands
All my life
All of me
Held in your hands
All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands
"Sovereign" by Chris Tomlin
---------------------------------------------
This song has been speaking to me for days. It's been a rough couple of weeks...I haven't been myself lately. God is asking me to do things I'm not sure I can do. He's asking me to do things that I have no idea HOW to do. There are obstacles, HUGE OBSTACLES, in my way and I have no idea how I'll overcome them. But then I listen to this song, and I remember - GOD ALREADY KNOWS!! He knows what your obstacles are. He knows how you will overcome them. He will prepare the way for you if you only let Him. How will these things He is asking me to do come to pass? I have absolutely NO IDEA. But if I just trust in the Lord, and truly put it in HIS hands, it will all be ok. Listening to this song reminds me that I am EXACTLY where I am supposed to be. God put me in this exact place, at this exact point in my life, because he knew I needed to be here to get there. He knew the people that needed to cross my path and the events that needed to occur. I am where I am supposed to be. As I listen to this song, I am reminded of these things:
Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
God is everywhere, from the highest mountain to the deepest valley. He is with you.
With me in the calm
With me in the storm
When the waters are still, He is with you. When life brings you a hurricane, He is with you.
Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
He is with you when you experience joy, and He is with you when you are experiencing great sorrow. He is even with you when you've cried so much that you have no tears left.
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn
He will walk with you through your darkest times, and He will be there to greet you when the darkness lifts and the sun rises. Even when you can't see the light coming, He is walking along side you, guiding you through the dark and towards the light.
In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
He has designed your whole life. From the time you were born until the time you return back to Him, He has every detail worked out. Trust in Him. Wrap yourself in His arms and trust that He already knows what the final puzzle looks like.
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God will never stop loving you. He ALWAYS LOVES YOU. No matter what. Even when life is hard, in the long run it will work out for good. Trust that the trials He has put you through are for a reason and will make you stronger.
All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands
All my life
All of me
Held in your hands
All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands
Everything is in HIS hands. Everything. Release all your hopes, your fears, your dreams, your worries, your sorrows...all of it release into God's loving hands. Reach up and receive His blessings upon you. Feel Him take your hands and work in your life.
-------------------------
You are a beautiful, blessed, and LOVED child of God. Never, ever forget that. We all know that life isn't always easy. We all have trials, we all experience pain and loss. But God knows what we have been through...He knows what we will be going through. The more we say, "God, I give my life to you" and mean it, the more we will find peace in our lives. Hold onto the hope that God has bigger, better plans for your life. Trust in Him and remember, He already has it all figured out. Isn't that wonderful?
Click below to listen to "Sovereign"
Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm
Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn
In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands
All my life
All of me
Held in your hands
All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands
"Sovereign" by Chris Tomlin
---------------------------------------------
This song has been speaking to me for days. It's been a rough couple of weeks...I haven't been myself lately. God is asking me to do things I'm not sure I can do. He's asking me to do things that I have no idea HOW to do. There are obstacles, HUGE OBSTACLES, in my way and I have no idea how I'll overcome them. But then I listen to this song, and I remember - GOD ALREADY KNOWS!! He knows what your obstacles are. He knows how you will overcome them. He will prepare the way for you if you only let Him. How will these things He is asking me to do come to pass? I have absolutely NO IDEA. But if I just trust in the Lord, and truly put it in HIS hands, it will all be ok. Listening to this song reminds me that I am EXACTLY where I am supposed to be. God put me in this exact place, at this exact point in my life, because he knew I needed to be here to get there. He knew the people that needed to cross my path and the events that needed to occur. I am where I am supposed to be. As I listen to this song, I am reminded of these things:
Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
God is everywhere, from the highest mountain to the deepest valley. He is with you.
With me in the calm
With me in the storm
When the waters are still, He is with you. When life brings you a hurricane, He is with you.
Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
He is with you when you experience joy, and He is with you when you are experiencing great sorrow. He is even with you when you've cried so much that you have no tears left.
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn
He will walk with you through your darkest times, and He will be there to greet you when the darkness lifts and the sun rises. Even when you can't see the light coming, He is walking along side you, guiding you through the dark and towards the light.
In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
He has designed your whole life. From the time you were born until the time you return back to Him, He has every detail worked out. Trust in Him. Wrap yourself in His arms and trust that He already knows what the final puzzle looks like.
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God will never stop loving you. He ALWAYS LOVES YOU. No matter what. Even when life is hard, in the long run it will work out for good. Trust that the trials He has put you through are for a reason and will make you stronger.
All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands
All my life
All of me
Held in your hands
All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands
Everything is in HIS hands. Everything. Release all your hopes, your fears, your dreams, your worries, your sorrows...all of it release into God's loving hands. Reach up and receive His blessings upon you. Feel Him take your hands and work in your life.
-------------------------
You are a beautiful, blessed, and LOVED child of God. Never, ever forget that. We all know that life isn't always easy. We all have trials, we all experience pain and loss. But God knows what we have been through...He knows what we will be going through. The more we say, "God, I give my life to you" and mean it, the more we will find peace in our lives. Hold onto the hope that God has bigger, better plans for your life. Trust in Him and remember, He already has it all figured out. Isn't that wonderful?
Click below to listen to "Sovereign"
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Nobody Expects to be Here
It's amazing how some people think that we expect hard times to fall on us. That somewhere along the way, deep down we expect to hear those devastating words - you can't have kids. You have cancer. A loved one has died. Just because we learn to live with these life-changing words does not mean that we ever expected to be in this situation. I never in a million years would have pictured myself at age 34 without kids, struggling to come to terms with the fact that I can't have kids normally like everyone else, and starting to consider that I may never have kids. No, that wasn't exactly part of the dreams I had for my life. Get married, have babies, live happily ever after. Isn't that what normal people do? Why am I so abnormal? Why is it so easy for everyone else and so hard for me? Some people talk to me like this was always a part of the plan...like I expected trouble. Like I budgeted for the thousands of dollars it would take to possibly conceive a child. But the fact of the matter is, I didn't expect it. Nobody expects it.
A friend of mine recently found out that she'll never be able to have kids. She's not even at a point in her life where she's thinking about having kids yet. She just went in for a routine yearly exam and came out with the most devastating news a woman can get - you'll never be able to bear your own child. An old high school friend and I recently reconnected because she is now seeing a fertility specialist after years of trying. Every conversation we have has some element of "I didn't expect it to be like this."
Whatever your struggle, whatever your pain, you didn't expect it to happen to you. When we were kids, we dreamed of a life full of happiness. We get married, we have kids, maybe a dog (or cats in our case!), and we all live happily ever after like they do in Disney movies. But that's not how life really ends up, is it? Somewhere along the way a huge wrench will be thrown into your plan. Suddenly you're thrown into a world where everything is upside down, nothing is going right. Suddenly the things you once thought important don't seem to matter as much anymore because you have to focus on this new, painful, path that has been laid out in front of you. It is filled with thorns to prick you, rocks to trip over, and ditches to fall in. It gets muddy sometimes and you feel stuck. You feel like you can't move anywhere - or maybe it's that you can't decide whether it's better to get pricked or to fall again. You know there's a clear path somewhere in the distance, but you can't always see it. Even when you get a glimpse of it, you wonder if you'll ever get there.
I told my friend the other day that, while I hate the fact that people have to go through struggles, I'm glad that there are people I can talk to that are going through (or have gone through) the same (or similar) thing. It's a paradox of sorts I guess. I don't wish infertility on anyone...it is just one of the most awful things to endure. But if I have to go through it...if someone else has to go through it...I'm thankful that we have each other to lean on. Is it fair? No way. I wish I could be like those people who pop out babies without even trying. I should have two kids by now...one would have either just been born or about to be born, and the other should be coming up on their 1st birthday in April. But they're not here. They're in God's hands right now - and so are you. You see, while we're going through these difficult times in our lives we do have one person we can ALWAYS rely on. God may not stop bad things from happening to you, but He WILL walk beside you - or even carry you - when they happen.
Earlier this week I had a particularly difficult day. Just one of those days where nothing went right and negative people kept interfering in my life. As a musician, it is music that soothes my soul and what makes me feel closest to God. So I sat down at my piano, opened my notebook full of worship songs, and played. I don't know how long I sat there and played and sang, but it was a while. A peace started to come over me, and I felt God reaching down and touching my heart. In that moment, I knew He was there and things would be ok.
We don't expect struggle. We don't expect bad things to happen to us. But when they do, God is with you. We will get bruised and broken...but when we begin to heal, the bruises fade and the bones strengthen. Be gentle with those who are experiencing the unexpected struggles. Be the kind of person that reaches out, lets them know you'll hold their hand while they walk this rocky, prickly, muddy path, and helps them to put back together the pieces of their torn soul.
A friend of mine recently found out that she'll never be able to have kids. She's not even at a point in her life where she's thinking about having kids yet. She just went in for a routine yearly exam and came out with the most devastating news a woman can get - you'll never be able to bear your own child. An old high school friend and I recently reconnected because she is now seeing a fertility specialist after years of trying. Every conversation we have has some element of "I didn't expect it to be like this."
Whatever your struggle, whatever your pain, you didn't expect it to happen to you. When we were kids, we dreamed of a life full of happiness. We get married, we have kids, maybe a dog (or cats in our case!), and we all live happily ever after like they do in Disney movies. But that's not how life really ends up, is it? Somewhere along the way a huge wrench will be thrown into your plan. Suddenly you're thrown into a world where everything is upside down, nothing is going right. Suddenly the things you once thought important don't seem to matter as much anymore because you have to focus on this new, painful, path that has been laid out in front of you. It is filled with thorns to prick you, rocks to trip over, and ditches to fall in. It gets muddy sometimes and you feel stuck. You feel like you can't move anywhere - or maybe it's that you can't decide whether it's better to get pricked or to fall again. You know there's a clear path somewhere in the distance, but you can't always see it. Even when you get a glimpse of it, you wonder if you'll ever get there.
I told my friend the other day that, while I hate the fact that people have to go through struggles, I'm glad that there are people I can talk to that are going through (or have gone through) the same (or similar) thing. It's a paradox of sorts I guess. I don't wish infertility on anyone...it is just one of the most awful things to endure. But if I have to go through it...if someone else has to go through it...I'm thankful that we have each other to lean on. Is it fair? No way. I wish I could be like those people who pop out babies without even trying. I should have two kids by now...one would have either just been born or about to be born, and the other should be coming up on their 1st birthday in April. But they're not here. They're in God's hands right now - and so are you. You see, while we're going through these difficult times in our lives we do have one person we can ALWAYS rely on. God may not stop bad things from happening to you, but He WILL walk beside you - or even carry you - when they happen.
Earlier this week I had a particularly difficult day. Just one of those days where nothing went right and negative people kept interfering in my life. As a musician, it is music that soothes my soul and what makes me feel closest to God. So I sat down at my piano, opened my notebook full of worship songs, and played. I don't know how long I sat there and played and sang, but it was a while. A peace started to come over me, and I felt God reaching down and touching my heart. In that moment, I knew He was there and things would be ok.
We don't expect struggle. We don't expect bad things to happen to us. But when they do, God is with you. We will get bruised and broken...but when we begin to heal, the bruises fade and the bones strengthen. Be gentle with those who are experiencing the unexpected struggles. Be the kind of person that reaches out, lets them know you'll hold their hand while they walk this rocky, prickly, muddy path, and helps them to put back together the pieces of their torn soul.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Let's Talk About Sex
Well hello readers! I have not been keeping up very well with this blog, and I apologize. I started the "Waiting for Grace" project to bring hope to those who are suffering, and I feel like I have let you down lately. I really have no excuse, and I am sorry. Please forgive me for my negligence, I will try to do better!
Now, to the topic for today. I had a couple conversations with someone recently about how our society is so reluctant to talk about infertility, miscarriage, and infant loss. I recently read an EXCELLENT article on the topic, which you can find here. We live in this age where people feel the need to share just about everything. Social media has made us an over-sharing society, where we are able to know every minute of everyone's lives. Never before has there been a generation that shares so much. The age of anonymity is gone. Of all my 300+ Facebook friends, I could probably tell you almost every single one of their political affiliations, religions, where they live, what vacations they've been on, who's married or single (and who they're dating), their occupation (and what their company is currently promoting), and so on and so forth. And hey, I'm no different! I love sharing what's going on in my life, and I love seeing what's going on in others' lives. I advertise my business with pride. I've connected with some pretty awesome people through Facebook...and in case you didn't know the story, Facebook is the vehicle through which my husband and I reconnected over 4 years ago. The reason this very blog was started was because of people I've connected with through Facebook! I'm not knocking it at all - I'm just as addicted as the rest of you. BUT, with all this over-sharing, we still can't talk about the hard stuff.
I know people (myself included) who have shared struggles on Facebook that have been criticized for it. And not just criticized, downright ridiculed and *gasp* DE-FRIENDED!! I'm sorry, REALLY?!? We have created this culture that doesn't even require TALKING TO PEOPLE. You don't agree with someone? De-friend them! Heaven forbid you actually TALK to someone about what's bothering you. No, that would mean actually HAVING A CONVERSATION, and it might even require some COMPRISE or COMPASSION. OH THE HORROR!!! /End mini-rant.
Ok, back to my point. Even if Facebook weren't around, even if we weren't living in this over-sharing society, infertility/miscarriage/infant loss still would be a taboo subject. I imagine it has been that way for centuries. And I think it's time for that to change. We don't even like to talk about how babies are made. Ok yeah, we all know boy and girl have sex and 9 months later a baby comes. But in all honesty, until my husband and I started trying to make a baby, we didn't know just how complicated it really was. When we started to think about trying, we both just thought "Yeah! We'll just have lots and lots of sex and eventually Ade will get pregnant!" (my husband was very excited about the lots and lots of sex!) Then someone recommended a book to me called "Taking Charge of Your Fertility." Whoa. As I read through this book, I was shocked. SHOCKED I tell you! I had no idea that there were only a couple days a month you could actually get pregnant, and all the stuff about ovulation and what to look for and taking temperatures and...wow. Talk about overwhelming! Even through all the high school sex-ed classes and the "birds and the bees" talks, no one ever mentioned how to get pregnant. All the focus was on how NOT to get pregnant, which, when you're young and single is of the utmost importance. But where are the classes that teach you about what to do when you actually WANT to get pregnant? I've never seen one. We don't want to talk about that part. No, that would mean actually talking about sex and *gasp* encouraging that married people actually have sex! Oh my non-virgin ears, please stop!
So even when you've figured out exactly what to do to get pregnant (and maybe someone was even kind enough to talk to you about it), and you've tried and tried and done everything right, sometimes it still doesn't work out. Then what? Typical OB/GYNs will tell you to keep trying, and that you're young and have time, yadda yadda yadda. Some will run some basic blood tests, and some will even test your husband. But if you aren't an advocate for your own reproductive health, it can be years before you get referred to a fertility doctor. And then, even if you have the best fertility doctors (which I very fortunately do), there is still a whole new world to navigate with very little (if any) help. You have no other choice but to trust what the doctor is telling you...but what if they're wrong? What if they don't have your best interest in mind? This happens, and it causes even more hurt, pain, and frustration to add to the already painful struggle with infertility. Where do fertility patients find help? Where do we find other alternatives when traditional treatments aren't working? Who do we talk to when we just need to cry? Most of our friends don't understand. Some will tell you they can't listen because it's too much for them. Others will try to listen but just repeat the same stuff you've heard everywhere else. It's ok. Your time will come. God has a plan. And then you're stuck in the loneliest of lonely places, thinking that there's no one else that could possibly understand your struggle. You feel ashamed that you can't get pregnant, even though millions of other women have. What's wrong with you??
Yes, it's extremely difficult to talk about these things. But don't you think it's also extremely difficult to experience them? Why should women be left to mourn their babies (or the thought of their babies) alone? Society puts a lid on infertility and loss, and makes women experiencing these things to feel shamed. Shame in the fact that I have trouble getting pregnant, and shame in the fact that both times I got pregnant I lost my babies in the first trimester. It shouldn't be this way. It's not our fault. If we were able to talk about these things, and if we were able to share with others our struggles, we might not feel so alone. There is no shame in infertility, and there is no shame in losing a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. The only shame is that society sweeps these conversations under the carpet and acts like it doesn't happen. We as women are told to move on and try again, and treat our losses as if they were just a small stumbling block on the road to motherhood. It makes me want to scream.
We as a society refuse to delve into the world of infertility and loss, because it's just too hard. Why do I talk about it? Because I know there are other women out there who are struggling, too. I know other women who, like me, still dream of holding their babies in their arms after many years of trying. I know other women who, like me, have lost babies before they even knew their gender or their bellies began to grow. I know women who have given birth to babies that never took a breath in this world. There are too many women in this world who never heard their babies cry.
No one LIKES talking about the innocent lives that should have been. But you know what? It's high time we started talking about it. It is painful. It is recognizing that sometimes even the most natural of things don't work the way they should...that not everyone gets to have the children they've dreamed of. That sometimes even in the most perfect of circumstances, bad things happen.
So I'm gonna talk until I have no voice left (if you know me, you know I'll be talking for a very long time! Haha). I'm gonna write until my fingers fall off. I am tearing off the lid of silence that has been sealed shut for way too long. I'm gonna tell the world that it is NOT OK to pretend infertility, miscarriage, and infant loss don't happen. I'm gonna tell the women who struggle with these things that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Do not be ashamed because the world tells you that's how you should feel. Many women are struggling along with you. And if by talking and writing and spreading this message of hope I have helped only one woman, it will have all been worth it.
No one should be left to suffer alone.
Now, to the topic for today. I had a couple conversations with someone recently about how our society is so reluctant to talk about infertility, miscarriage, and infant loss. I recently read an EXCELLENT article on the topic, which you can find here. We live in this age where people feel the need to share just about everything. Social media has made us an over-sharing society, where we are able to know every minute of everyone's lives. Never before has there been a generation that shares so much. The age of anonymity is gone. Of all my 300+ Facebook friends, I could probably tell you almost every single one of their political affiliations, religions, where they live, what vacations they've been on, who's married or single (and who they're dating), their occupation (and what their company is currently promoting), and so on and so forth. And hey, I'm no different! I love sharing what's going on in my life, and I love seeing what's going on in others' lives. I advertise my business with pride. I've connected with some pretty awesome people through Facebook...and in case you didn't know the story, Facebook is the vehicle through which my husband and I reconnected over 4 years ago. The reason this very blog was started was because of people I've connected with through Facebook! I'm not knocking it at all - I'm just as addicted as the rest of you. BUT, with all this over-sharing, we still can't talk about the hard stuff.
I know people (myself included) who have shared struggles on Facebook that have been criticized for it. And not just criticized, downright ridiculed and *gasp* DE-FRIENDED!! I'm sorry, REALLY?!? We have created this culture that doesn't even require TALKING TO PEOPLE. You don't agree with someone? De-friend them! Heaven forbid you actually TALK to someone about what's bothering you. No, that would mean actually HAVING A CONVERSATION, and it might even require some COMPRISE or COMPASSION. OH THE HORROR!!! /End mini-rant.
Ok, back to my point. Even if Facebook weren't around, even if we weren't living in this over-sharing society, infertility/miscarriage/infant loss still would be a taboo subject. I imagine it has been that way for centuries. And I think it's time for that to change. We don't even like to talk about how babies are made. Ok yeah, we all know boy and girl have sex and 9 months later a baby comes. But in all honesty, until my husband and I started trying to make a baby, we didn't know just how complicated it really was. When we started to think about trying, we both just thought "Yeah! We'll just have lots and lots of sex and eventually Ade will get pregnant!" (my husband was very excited about the lots and lots of sex!) Then someone recommended a book to me called "Taking Charge of Your Fertility." Whoa. As I read through this book, I was shocked. SHOCKED I tell you! I had no idea that there were only a couple days a month you could actually get pregnant, and all the stuff about ovulation and what to look for and taking temperatures and...wow. Talk about overwhelming! Even through all the high school sex-ed classes and the "birds and the bees" talks, no one ever mentioned how to get pregnant. All the focus was on how NOT to get pregnant, which, when you're young and single is of the utmost importance. But where are the classes that teach you about what to do when you actually WANT to get pregnant? I've never seen one. We don't want to talk about that part. No, that would mean actually talking about sex and *gasp* encouraging that married people actually have sex! Oh my non-virgin ears, please stop!
So even when you've figured out exactly what to do to get pregnant (and maybe someone was even kind enough to talk to you about it), and you've tried and tried and done everything right, sometimes it still doesn't work out. Then what? Typical OB/GYNs will tell you to keep trying, and that you're young and have time, yadda yadda yadda. Some will run some basic blood tests, and some will even test your husband. But if you aren't an advocate for your own reproductive health, it can be years before you get referred to a fertility doctor. And then, even if you have the best fertility doctors (which I very fortunately do), there is still a whole new world to navigate with very little (if any) help. You have no other choice but to trust what the doctor is telling you...but what if they're wrong? What if they don't have your best interest in mind? This happens, and it causes even more hurt, pain, and frustration to add to the already painful struggle with infertility. Where do fertility patients find help? Where do we find other alternatives when traditional treatments aren't working? Who do we talk to when we just need to cry? Most of our friends don't understand. Some will tell you they can't listen because it's too much for them. Others will try to listen but just repeat the same stuff you've heard everywhere else. It's ok. Your time will come. God has a plan. And then you're stuck in the loneliest of lonely places, thinking that there's no one else that could possibly understand your struggle. You feel ashamed that you can't get pregnant, even though millions of other women have. What's wrong with you??
Yes, it's extremely difficult to talk about these things. But don't you think it's also extremely difficult to experience them? Why should women be left to mourn their babies (or the thought of their babies) alone? Society puts a lid on infertility and loss, and makes women experiencing these things to feel shamed. Shame in the fact that I have trouble getting pregnant, and shame in the fact that both times I got pregnant I lost my babies in the first trimester. It shouldn't be this way. It's not our fault. If we were able to talk about these things, and if we were able to share with others our struggles, we might not feel so alone. There is no shame in infertility, and there is no shame in losing a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. The only shame is that society sweeps these conversations under the carpet and acts like it doesn't happen. We as women are told to move on and try again, and treat our losses as if they were just a small stumbling block on the road to motherhood. It makes me want to scream.
We as a society refuse to delve into the world of infertility and loss, because it's just too hard. Why do I talk about it? Because I know there are other women out there who are struggling, too. I know other women who, like me, still dream of holding their babies in their arms after many years of trying. I know other women who, like me, have lost babies before they even knew their gender or their bellies began to grow. I know women who have given birth to babies that never took a breath in this world. There are too many women in this world who never heard their babies cry.
No one LIKES talking about the innocent lives that should have been. But you know what? It's high time we started talking about it. It is painful. It is recognizing that sometimes even the most natural of things don't work the way they should...that not everyone gets to have the children they've dreamed of. That sometimes even in the most perfect of circumstances, bad things happen.
So I'm gonna talk until I have no voice left (if you know me, you know I'll be talking for a very long time! Haha). I'm gonna write until my fingers fall off. I am tearing off the lid of silence that has been sealed shut for way too long. I'm gonna tell the world that it is NOT OK to pretend infertility, miscarriage, and infant loss don't happen. I'm gonna tell the women who struggle with these things that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Do not be ashamed because the world tells you that's how you should feel. Many women are struggling along with you. And if by talking and writing and spreading this message of hope I have helped only one woman, it will have all been worth it.
No one should be left to suffer alone.
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