Mother's Day

Mother's Day is this week. I dread it. All the happy celebration of moms, the overwhelming TV ads, store displays, emails and Hallmark cards. I am bombarded by reminders that I have no living children. It pierces through my soul like a hot knife. A day that is so happy for so many, and should be happy for me, is a painful reminder of what should have been. Mother's Day is a day of celebration and joy for most people - and it should be! But for some of us, it is a very difficult day. It comes with pain and tears, and memories of the babies we once carried in our wombs. As Mother's Day approaches, I find myself filling up with anxiety. I am surrounded by pregnant women and new moms celebrating their very first Mother's Day. I can't even go to church this Sunday. Being at a new church I don't know how they handle Mother's Day...but I know from 34 years of experience that churches tend to make a big deal of it. And they should. Moms are the ones who give us life, and that is to be celebrated! But I can't handle it. I can't sit there and watch all the other women be celebrated while I suffer in silence. It is too painful.

I have promised to be gentle with myself this week. It may be that I'll be able to go about my week and be fine. But it may also be that I will need to take moments to take a step back. To sit and cry, to write, to sing, or to do whatever will help me through the tough moments. I don't know when or if those moments will come, but if they do I have given myself permission to take the time I need to endure them. And I just want all my friends and family to know, that if I don't seem particularly excited, or even interested, in Mother's Day it's not because I don't love and honor mothers. It's not because I am selfish or want attention or anything of a sort. It's because Sunday is a day that is just downright painful for me. I haven't quite figured out how to handle it, either. And that's ok. If people have a problem with it, well, to be honest that's their problem not mine. I deal with this week and this day as it comes, and sometimes I am ok and sometimes I am not. And this week, I am giving myself permission to be whatever I am at the moment. If you are a bereaved momma, please give yourself the same permission. Nobody but you knows what you feel inside. Nobody but you knows how easy or difficult Mother's Day might be for you. Nobody can tell you how to handle it. Be gentle with yourself dear momma, and take the moments you need to help yourself through this week.

I also want to tell the world one more thing...and you may think I am crazy, but frankly I don't really care what anyone else thinks. What I want to tell the world is this:

I AM A MOTHER.

My children aren't here on Earth, but God gave me the honor and the responsibility to carry two beautiful souls inside me. Even if it was only for a short time, they were here. I saw them both on an ultrasound screen. I heard our first baby's heart beat. God entrusted them to me for a time, and then He called them home. With both of those tiny babies, my body labored. I was in tremendous pain for days as my body tried to expel them. I delivered both of them at home, privately in my bathroom, with only my husband nearby. I cried in agony, both from the tremendous physical pain, and from the emotional pain. I cried out to God, asking him WHY?!? It is a pain I do not wish on anyone.

But the fact remains. I AM A MOTHER. If you have had a miscarriage, or a stillborn baby, or lost a baby after birth - YOU are also a MOTHER. I am tired of having to pretend that my babies weren't significant. I will meet them one day, I am sure of it. I pray that God also gives me children to tend to and love while here on Earth and watch them grow into adults. I will not give up on that. But I love my angel babies in heaven just the same.

I can't tell you how to treat your bereaved momma friends this Mother's Day, because every bereaved momma handles it differently. For me, I will celebrate with my mother, for she is the one who gave me life! I love my mother for the beautiful woman she is, and I will celebrate her. I will celebrate my grandmother, who has always been like a second mother to me. But outside of my immediate family, while the rest of the world is telling all the women of the world how wonderful they are because they are mothers, I will simply stay away. Away from the media, away from Facebook, away from all the reminders that the world shoves onto me that my motherhood will not be celebrated. Instead, I will sit quietly in prayer and talk to my angel babies, telling them that their Earthly mother loves them and I look forward to meeting them someday. And I will thank God for entrusting me to care for them for a short time, and thank Him for taking care of them in Heaven while I finish what He has for me to do on Earth. That is how I will celebrate my motherhood and honor my heavenly children this Mother's Day.