But there was also pain. This weekend we should have been celebrating our first child's first birthday. He or she was supposed to arrive around April 21st. Instead, our family remains incomplete and childless.
God has kept me busy around my would-be due date the past two years. Last year, on the day I should have been delivering a baby, I ran my 2nd 5K. I didn't have time to think about what was missing because I was too busy trying to make it to the finish line. This year I was consumed with planning my grandmother's 90th birthday party and preparing for Easter Sunday services. Thank you Lord for keeping me occupied during this time!
There were a few moments this weekend when I felt the tears well up behind my eyes. I remember watching my nephews & niece play in my parents' backyard, wondering what it would be like with my son or daughter playing with them. I remember holding my 10 month old nephew, seeing such joy in his eyes and laughter in his voice. I looked for signs of my sister and my brother-in-law in him, wondering what our baby would look like. Would he/she have my nose? My husband's eyes? Whose hair would he/she get? It's crazy to think that twice now, there has been life inside me, being stitched together by God, just the perfect fusion of me and my husband...that was taken away all too soon.
There was a moment this weekend when I was reminded that God has the power to heal. Our church showed a video of several people facing battles and how God has restored them. Naturally, there was a couple in the video who had battled infertility and miscarriage and are now pregnant. The tears came, of course, but in that moment I was reminded that we are not done fighting this battle. We press on, despite the challenges. We keep going, we keep trying, we keep believing that at the end of this long road there is a child waiting for us. In the midst of this battle it is often hard to keep going. So many times I have wanted to give up. So many times I have thought, "is this really worth it?" The answer to that is yes, it is worth it. It is worth every agonizing moment.
My husband and I started watching a series called "The Bible" on Netflix last night (the same series that aired sometime last year). In the very first episode, they portrayed the story of Abraham and Sarah. God promised Abraham that Sarah would bear a son, and He did. Sarah waited many, many years for her son, but God fulfilled His promise. I was reminded last night of the dream I had years ago of my daughter Elizabeth Grace. I know that God has made me a promise, and I know that He will fulfill it. God will heal my womb, I am certain of it. I just have to have faith that He knows what He is doing. Is it always easy? No. Sometimes it seems downright impossible. But I know without a doubt that God is already working on healing me. He already knows when my husband and I will have children, and who they will be and what THEY will have to eventually overcome. He knows, because He has already written our story.
The other day I was again pondering why it is that my husband and I have been put through this struggle. It is painful, it is agonizing, it makes me question everything I believe in. It has strained relationships...some of which have not survived. It has made me see the world much differently than I did 2 years ago. I am different because of what I have gone through. God has cleansed my soul and made me new. He knew that I would be broken into a million pieces, and slowly be put back together, each piece stronger than it was before. God knew this would be hard on me, but He also knew I was strong enough to endure it. And I also know that He heals, and I have more faith than ever before that He is already healing me. It just took me this long to believe it.
Whatever you are facing, GOD IS WITH YOU.
He is guiding you - TRUST Him
He has created a path for you - FOLLOW Him.
He says He will heal you - BELIEVE Him.
He knows what is best for you - Have FAITH in Him.
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