Reflections on a difficult 2015...and hope for the new year

Well hello again blog reading friends! It's been a long time. I took a break from blogging for a few months. It wasn't intentional really, I've been consumed with other things. 2015 was a rough year, but I am ready to put it behind me and move on into 2016. Are you ready?

There's just something about opening a fresh new planner at the beginning of the year. It is completely empty, unmarked by the previous year's disappointments. It is free from heartache, cancelled plans, and unreached goals. A clean slate. A chance to start over. On those fresh, blank pages lie endless possibilities. What will you do? Where will you go? What surprises will lurk in those pages this year? What story will you write? I simply love leafing through those blank pages, wondering what will fill them, imagining what my life will be like in the coming months. I love to set new goals and have hope for a better year. Ahhh. It is so refreshing. So full of hope.

2015 was a difficult year for me. It started the first week of January and never let up. My grandma, with whom I was very close, fell in January and it began a downward spiral. The next six months would be a wild rollercoaster. In June, Jesus finally called her home. While I was at peace with her passing, knowing that she had lived a good life and was ready to go, I was also devastated. I realized that it doesn't matter if a death is sudden and tragic, or if you've known it was coming for a long time. To those left behind, it hurts. It changes you. You find yourself lost, searching for a way to go on without your loved one, trying to find a new normal. You gain friends, you lose friends. Death can bring out the worst in people.

I've been wanting to write about my grandma's passing for a while...but I just haven't found the right words to say. I have at least 5 blog posts sitting in my drafts folder, all unfinished. None of them with quite the right words to describe how special she was to me, how amazing of a person she was. Perhaps the right words will come this year and I'll be able to share with the world about her incredible life and the many lives she touched. But for now, I continue to search for the new normal, to muster through all the holidays and special moments with watery eyes, remembering the immeasurable joy she brought to my life.

There were other things that happened in 2015, but to be honest I don't remember much else. I know there were wins and losses, victories and failures. I set goals that I didn't achieve. I was going to lose weight, my husband and I were going to revisit the fertility clinic. Neither of those things really happened. Truth be told, I spent most of the year so consumed with family stuff that we barely thought about trying for a baby again. What little effort we did make, whether it be healthy eating or baby making or anything else, it was half-hearted. There wasn't much room for anything else this year.

This is why I am so happy to pick up that blank planner today. It feels refreshing. Those crisp, white, untouched pages are filled with hope. Hope for a better year, for a chance to write a new story, to live a life filled with joy and a sense of accomplishment. Today is completely untarnished. Anything can happen. It feels like a huge dose of grace has just been poured over me, allowing me to forget the past and move forward.

As you've probably noticed, I've changed the name of my blog to "Living in Your Grace." Why the change? Because WAITING for grace just didn't seem right to me. We don't have to wait for God's grace - it's already here! This started as an infertility blog, and I will still write about our journey, but it has morphed into more than that. And while we wait for the child that God has promised to us, we will live in the grace He gives us NOW. Every day He showers us with His grace. There are stories of grace to be told as we travel this road and continue to praise Him. There are victories to be celebrated along this road, and there are moments when we will really need His grace. Even though our child is not yet here, God's grace IS.

I wish all of you dear readers a wonderful 2016. My hope is that it is better than 2015. There will be ups and downs, victories and defeats. But know this - there is a God who loves you more than you can imagine, and He will walk with you through all the hills and valleys this year. He will show you grace when you need it most, and even when you don't deserve it. Because He is just that awesome!

Go make 2016 a good year friends!

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9

Finding God at the Office

I'm not much of a believer in coincidences. I believe that God puts us in exactly the right place at exactly the right time, whether we want to recognize it or not. Sometimes, when we think we're supposed to do one thing, God has a different plan that unfolds. Today was one of those days.

Today was a slow day at work. This morning my boss was in meetings and didn't have much work for me to do, so I sat around doing nothing for most of the morning. Now if you know me, you know that sitting around doing nothing isn't exactly my thing. I need to be doing something. Always. I couldn't have my cell phone because A. it was in my boss's office and B. I'm not really supposed to have it while I'm working anyway. So, I was sent to a room to sit and wait for something to do (this sort of thing drives me insane). When I walked in the room there was a girl I recognized who works in another part of the building. She had been hurt on the job and put on doctor's restrictions for the next few days. I asked her how she was feeling and she said she was still in some pain. We joked about how getting hurt sucks. She was bored doing mundane busywork...also the type of person who can't sit still. Haha!

We talked for a bit. At first it was the usual stuff...work, the weather, car trouble, etc. Then she asked me if I have kids, and I gave her my usual reply as of late "not yet, but we're trying!" I asked her about her kids and she started talking about them. Then she starting talking about how frustrated she was with her youngest, who she thinks has sensory issues. I'm currently finishing my master's degree in special education and writing my thesis about using music to help kids with Autism. Coincidence that this girl just opened up to me about her daughter who might be on the spectrum? I don't think so! So we talked a bit about sensory issues and resources available and I gave her some (hopefully helpful) advice.

Then she really opened up. I don't know why, maybe the talk about her daughter established a level of trust. But she started talking about her living situation and her fiancé and how it's not a good relationship. She was thinking of leaving him but needed money to take care of her kids, hence the new job. It was like she opened up more with every sentence that came out of her mouth. And I listened. Because it was clear that she needed sometime to talk to. It was clear that she was in a situation she saw no way out of and needed to tell someone about it. It was clear that she needed affirmation that she was doing the right thing for her kids with the decisions she is making. Sometimes all someone needs is a friendly, trustworthy ear.

You see, I can relate to this young girl. I've been at such a low point in my life that I didn't know where to go. I've been engaged to a verbally abusive man who tried to control me. I've been to a place where I saw no way out. When I finally did get out...alone, broke, and nowhere to go but back to my parents...it was one of the scariest moments of my life. But I survived, and I can help other young women who see no way out of a bad relationship. I can help moms who are so stressed with their young kids with special needs that they can't even think straight. I can listen, and give advice when appropriate, and be someone that a person in need can trust.

It had to be divine intervention that we were both but in that very room at that very moment. I was thinking "great I'll be bored all morning" and she was probably thinking it sucked that she got hurt and stuck in an office all day. But God had plans for the both of us this morning, and I'm glad we got to talk. I prayed for this young girl on my way home today. Still this evening our conversation is weighing heavy on my heart. Part of me hopes I have another slow work day next week and she still has to sit in that room and do mundane busywork so we can talk again. But if not, I can rest in the thought that maybe...just maybe...I made a small difference in a young woman's life today. Maybe she'll go home tonight and be a little more patient with her daughter. Maybe she'll finally get the courage to get out of a bad relationship. Maybe, when life keeps throwing punches at her, she'll know that she is not alone and there is someone out there who will listen.

You never know when you will have an influence on someone's life. Take time to listen. Instead of getting frustrated that things aren't going your way, ask God what He is doing in that particular situation. Maybe he's trying to teach you something. Maybe there is someone that needs you more than you need whatever it is you were trying to do. God always puts us in the exactly the right place, at the exactly the right moment, with exactly the right people. How awesome would it be if we embraced that instead of fighting it?

New Level, New Devil

I've been feeling very spiritually attacked lately. Things have been happening...people have been saying things...that just makes me go what the?!? I've been feeling this overwhelming sense of divisiveness among people I know. An overwhelming sense of judgement and hypocrisy and hatred towards others. It saddens me. As I scroll through my Facebook newsfeed and read comments, my stomach turns. People argue with perfect strangers. Make assumptions about people they've never met based on one or two comments. What was once healthy debate has become a game of name-calling and refusal to accept that there may be more than one way to think about things. What has this world come to? The "unfollow" button has been getting many clicks...weeding out those who spew so much negativity I wonder if they ever have a positive thought. On one hand, it's so sad. On the other, I feel the need to guard my own fragile heart from the evils of social media.

In the "real world," outside of social media I feel the enemy trying to attack me more than ever. The enemy sneaks in like a thief in the night, telling us lie after lie over and over until we start to believe it. I've caught myself believing some of those lies lately...and then I say to myself, "what am I doing??" I KNOW that is not true! God himself has told me the truth! I started to believe that my husband and I would never be parents...but then I remembered that God made a promise to me years ago, and that God always keeps his promises. Just because it hasn't happened yet, and just because we are taking a break (again) from trying, doesn't mean that our promise won't be fulfilled. It will be. In God's time. He will bring a child (or children) to us and all this pain, all these excruciating years of waiting, they will all be worth it. I know this. God has promised this.

I have a friend who has a phrase she repeats over and over when she feels the enemy attacking her: "new level, new devil!" she says. She believes (as do I) that when God is about to make something big happen in your life, Satan tries to destroy it. He does everything he can to make sure you don't succeed, that you don't fulfill God's plan. Well there must be something HUGE coming my way, because Satan has been very prominent lately! So much so that I can literally feel evil all around me at times. It's scary and exhilarating at the same time! It means that there are big changes coming my way, that God has a new plan for me and I need to hold steadfast to Him.

I know changes are coming. I've been shown a new potential career opportunity that gets me incredibly excited. It's a process and it won't happen overnight, but it means I'll be making music with kids again...which I know is what I was made to do. My husband and I have also been given another opportunity that we've been praying over. We aren't yet ready to make the specifics public, but could you pray for us friends? Pray that we are able to discern God's plan and submit to his will for our lives and our marriage and family. Pray for the choices we are about to make and the directions we go. It's exciting and scary at the same time, but we feel God may be leading us to a new role in ministry

So yes, new level, new devil indeed! But you know what? God has you. He will take care of you, no matter what. Hold onto your loving God and His word. Pour yourself into Him and He will protect you.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing, and perfect will." -Romans 12:2

The other day I was particularly upset over a stranger calling a relative of mine a "bigoted Christian freak" (or something like that). This is someone I've admired my whole life, and is one of the kindest, most generous people I know. How can someone be so hateful? I truly don't understand. And boy, did the devil enter in and take advantage of that moment! I started questioning everything...I was angry, and hurt, and having my own little temper tantrum/pity party/fight with God in my car. Then a song came on that reminded me that this world isn't what really matters. I am not a slave of this world - I am a servant of the living God. I turned up the volume as loud as I could and sang at the top of my lungs, raising my hand in the air and singing praises to the Almighty. (I probably looked like a total nut case to people driving by, but I didn't care). I felt on top of the world at that very moment! I may have played the song a few more times. Over and over I sang:

I hear a voice and he calls me redeemed
When others say I'll never be enough
And greater is the one living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world.*

Say that again. Out loud.

Greater is the one living inside of me, than he who is living in the world.

My spirit had been lifted, and I remembered that God is the one who matters! It doesn't matter what other people think or say about me! I may not be able to change them, but I can change how I react to them. I can be a person who responds in a loving manner. I can be a person who prays day in and day out. A person who yearns for and pursues a closer relationship with God and doesn't let this world define who she is. YESSSS!!!

God has already redeemed you! YOU. ARE. ENOUGH!!!

And then, my favorite part. The part that brings it all together and reminds me that nothing, no one, is perfect...and that is OK!

There'll be days I lose the battle
Grace says that it doesn't matter
'Cause the cross already won the war*

Ahhhh! Doesn't that just sum it up perfectly?

'Cause the cross already won the war!

Christ has already won! And in turn, YOU have already won! Can you feel it?? Isn't it simply AMAZING???

GOD MATTERS. No one else. Not any person or thing. It's about your relationship with God, and pursuing God's will for your life. It's how you choose to interact with people and how you react to them. It's leaving your life and your sin at the cross, and running into God's arms when Satan tries to pursue you. It's not caring how crazy people think you are because you know what? God is crazy. He is crazy for you and he wants only the best for you. And if you mess up? Guess what? IT'S OK!! God is so gracious that he gave up His only son for you! You don't have to be perfect!


Turn up the volume. Sing your heart out. Raise your hands up in glory. Dance around your living room like a little kid. Relish in the moment and the knowledge that our God is greater...because He has already won.

*lyrics from the song "Greater" by Mercy Me

The Ugly Things People Say

My apologies (once again) for the lack of recent blog posts. Someday I'll learn to be more consistent (or not. It's me we're talking about here).

I've hopped on the blog today because I need to address something. Something I've lost sleep over. Something that turns my stomach to the point I can't stand it. Something that my brain just cannot understand.

Do you know why so many women stay silent about infertility? Aside from the shame of not being able to reproduce, and the stigma surrounding infertility and loss, it really boils down to this:

Because of what people say.

Because of the backlash of horrific comments people make.

Because for whatever reason, when someone is having trouble conceiving, people seem to think that our desire to have children is selfish and unwarranted.

Because people think we should just accept it and not seek help.

Because people are heartless, cruel, and lack compassion for those going through a horrific experience.

I read an excellent article yesterday about why fertility treatments should be covered by insurance (you can read it here). Some (not many) insurances will cover parts of treatment. A rare few will even fully cover them. Most though, will not cover anything. Instead couples are left to scrounge every penny, take out loans and credit cards, and rack up tremendous debt all in the hopes of having what everyone else got for free: a family. The average cost of one cycle of artificial insemination (IUI) is over $1,000. For ONE MONTH. We did two of those. The average cost of in-vitro fertilization (IVF) is over $10,000. EACH. And there are no guarantees. A couple can easily spend upwards of $50,000 and have nothing to show for it. But it is human nature to want to try. A couple who goes through fertility treatments has a very strong desire for children, and would do anything in their power to have a child.

I should really learn not to read comments on articles related to infertility, or any article for that matter. It's bad for my mental health. This society has become a bunch of anonymous jerks hiding behind a computer screen typing out insults to strangers. It's disgusting and it makes me fear for the future of our world. Here are some of the responses to that article that almost made me vomit:

The world is overpopulated and we shouldn't be helping people have kids and causing more population problems.

If you can't naturally conceive and don't want to adopt, you're not fit to be a parent.

Infertility is not a disease and has no effect on a person's health.

If you're infertile, you should just accept it and move on. Not everyone should be able to have kids.

Having insurance coverage for fertility treatments is comparable to covering plastic surgery. It's elective.

I don't want my money going toward people having more kids that are just gonna mess things up.

Infertility treatments cause babies to be born that shouldn't be born and they have multiple health issues because they were conceived through IVF.

And my favorite:
People who go through infertility treatments are mostly wealthy people who have the money anyway.

*sigh*

I am not making these up. I paraphrased, but you can read them for yourself below the article. Disgusting. Repulsive. Bordering on inhuman. None of these comments have any basis in fact either.

I couldn't sleep last night because I just couldn't get my brain to understand how horrible people can be. How cruel and unforgiving this world is. As I was thinking about it again this afternoon (because I haven't been able to let it go) I realized that part of the reason people are so heartless about infertility is because they are so uneducated about it. Most people have no idea how horrible it is to go through, what it all involves, the physical and emotional pain, the yearning for something that is so natural yet so difficult to attain. Perhaps if people were more educated about infertility they wouldn't be so quick to judge and would show more compassion. Perhaps this is why I am so open about it, because I hate seeing people be so cruel to those who are already in so much pain.

I also realized something else.

This world needs Jesus.

More than ever, more people than ever, need Jesus to enter their lives. More people need to know a loving, forgiving, gracious savior. More people need to pour over God's word and look to Him for guidance. More people need to strive to live a more Christ-like life, in a more loving, compassionate manner. Less judgement. Less criticism. More love.

I don't know when exactly we became this world with so much awfulness. There has always been evil in the world, and it will always be here until Jesus returns. But I feel like the way we interact with each other has changed dramatically over my 35 years here on Earth. People used to be more kind, more helpful, less concerned with their own selfishness and more concerned with others' well-being. When did we stop listening to one another? Why must we argue so much and judge people for their believes and decisions? It saddens me that respect no longer seems to be important.

I don't know how to change this...I don't know if it CAN be changed. But what I do know how to do is be as loving, compassionate, and respectful of a person as I can. I know how to model in my own actions how I would want to be treated by others. I know how to put others first, I know how to listen.  And that, well, that's at least a start.

And I know how to pray, and to talk to Jesus about my problems and desires. I know how to pour over God's word and see the truth when the enemy tries to get me to believe lies. I know our God is a loving God and He will not fail me! I am not perfect by any means. Somedays I can be a horrible person too! But thank you Jesus that I don't have to be.

And thank you Jesus that, on those days when I am feeling attacked by horrible words said by people who clearly don't know You, that I can come to you. You will comfort me and hold me, and lay peace on my troubled heart. You will wash away the tears the enemy has brought on me, and remind me that You are the Way, the Truth, and the Life.

Soak in His presence.

When the world troubles you, find peace in the One who made you.

And perhaps even pray for those that don't know Him. Because everyone needs more Jesus. Everyone.

40 Days Without Facebook

Well friends, I did it. I survived 40 days without Facebook. 40 days without scrolling endlessly through my newsfeed, without likes and pictures of cats and gourmet dinners and selfies and strangers getting into virtual arguments. And you know what? It wasn't all that bad. In fact, I found it quite refreshing. To tell you the truth, I wish it would've been longer. On Saturday evening I was actually a bit bummed that I was getting back on Facebook the next day. For a bit I actually considered not reactivating my account. But alas, I did and I'm back.

So why the Facebook fast? Well, leading up to Lent this year I really prayed about what to give up for the 40 days of Lent. Most years I give something up, but it's trivial like chocolate or something. One year I gave up swearing (that one didn't last long! Haha!). But as my faith has grown this past year and my relationship with God continues to change, I really wanted to make this Lenten season sacrificial. I wanted to give up something I rely on, something that would truly be a struggle and would change how I live my every day life. It wasn't until a few days before Lent that the idea to give up Facebook came to me from someone else who attends our church. At first I thought it was impossible. How will I communicate with people that I only talk to through Facebook? What about my business? I do use Facebook quite extensively for business. I also admin a couple groups. What would happen to those? But God kept saying to me, "give it up." And so I obeyed. And I'm glad I did.

I wish I could tell you that during my Facebook-free time I became a completely different person who lost a ton of weight, invented a miracle cure, became a millionaire, found the solution to world peace and discovered the meaning of life...but a las life without Facebook did not solve any world problems. It didn't solve any problems really. But I did learn a few things I'd like to share:

1. I can find plenty of ways to waste time.

At first it was Pinterest. I think I pinned more things in the first week than I have the entire time I've been on Pinterest. Oh the things I was going to do! Yeah, none of those happened. Pinterest became my new newsfeed. I also crocheted a bunch of stuff and signed up for Etsy with the intention of selling crocheted baby hats (I still haven't opened the shop). I also did quite a number working through my Netflix queue. I spent a lot of time planning what I was going to do...but not a lot of time doing it. I don't really think I accomplished any more without Facebook than I did with it.

2. People will freak out that you're not on Facebook

Seriously. It was almost comical the way people reacted. I actually got phone calls and/or text messages from friends asking me why I de-friended and blocked them on Facebook. Really?!? First, I don't play the passive-aggressive game of de-friending and blocking. I talk to people directly if/when I have an issue with them. Second, I did post a status update saying I was deactivating my account until Easter and if you wanted to keep in touch with me, message me for my email/phone #. I got exactly ZERO responses from that post. You would think that if people really wanted to talk to me that don't already have my info, they would've responded. Perhaps people didn't see it, I don't know. But either way, it just goes to show you how differently we communicate these days. When I posted my first status on Easter Sunday, there was a plethora of "I missed you" type comments. I just shook my head. If you really missed me all that much, I have a phone and email. Use it. It all felt so superficial (minus a few folks who just missed my sarcastic updates and I actually talked to during Lent).

3. You will miss some stuff...but most of it is worth missing

Some of the stuff I missed was superficial, like the blue & black/gold & white dress (for the record, I saw blue & black). You won't get some of the jokes on TV because you haven't seen what's gone viral that week (or that day). Oh well. Tomorrow the social media world will be onto something else anyway. Some of it was more serious, like my cousin being in the hospital. Thankfully I have a great family who kept me informed and *gasp* I actually talked to my cousin directly to tell her I was praying for her. You know what I didn't miss? All the negativity. The rants. The hatred for people who don't have the same beliefs as you. The shaming and the defamation. The calling perfect strangers horrible names. And all the other trash that is out there in Facebook land. Nope, I didn't miss all that crap one bit!

4. Facebook is an invaluable business tool

When I decided to give up Facebook I considered just keeping my business maintained, but then decided this had to be an all or nothing thing. I have a business Facebook page and a private group for my preferred customers, and both went away during Lent. I wish now I would've kept them. Normally I would not admit this, but my business took a hit while I was away from Facebook. I never realized how much Facebook really has done for my business. Many of my customers communicate with me via Facebook, and I have obtained probably about a third of my regular customers through Facebook in some way. I did run a couple promotions through email with my customers during Lent, but did not get the response that I can get on Facebook. In business, you communicate with your customers in the way that they respond best. I've learned that my customers respond best through Facebook. Who would've thought? A valuable lesson learned that will help my business grow in the future.

5. Without an audience, my life is boring

No really, I am not an exciting person. At all. We all make our lives seem better than they really are with witty status updates and comments. But in reality, none of us have lives that are THAT cool. Most of us are just living our everyday lives and watching everyone's highlight reels unfold on social media. Don't compare yourself to others' Facebook highlight reels. You most likely don't know what is going on the rest of the time. That said...

6. Facebook can mask what is really going on in your life

What I wasn't prepared for during my Facebook fast was the onslaught of emotional turmoil that surfaced. I am (or was) admittedly a Facebook junkie. I spent a TON of time scrolling through newsfeed, Facebook stalking people, commenting on stuff, etc. I was spending so much time with my nose in other people's lives that I wasn't paying attention to my own needs. When the drug of Facebook was removed, my own life hit me. Hard. I realized that I have some things that I really need to work though...some of which will probably take professional help. It took me having the time to sit alone with myself in silence to realize that some of my issues are deep. And it's ok, I have no shame in admitting I need help to work through those issues. But I may not have realized I needed that help when I was paying more attention to others than I was to myself.

7. Facebook is a fantastic communication tool

Sometimes it's just easier to post something on Facebook when you have a question, or to send a group message to discuss something. And the Facebook event tool is awesome. Facebook has made it a lot easier to communicate with a lot of people in a short amount of time. I am glad for it. I've reconnected with people from my past on Facebook. Just last year I reconnected with my childhood best friend who I hadn't spoken to in over 20 years. If it weren't for Facebook, I wouldn't have reconnected to the trumpet player/football stud/geek guy from high school and married him. :-) I think personal communication is and always will be important, but Facebook can be a vehicle for both personal and mass communication.

8. We talk a lot about what is posted on Facebook

I noticed so many of my conversations with people were centered around something that was posted on Facebook (and that I of course had no idea what they were talking about!). So many conversations started with "did you see that...on Facebook?" It has become a part of our every day conversation. I don't think that is necessarily bad, but it's annoying sometimes when people just automatically assume that you sit all day and scroll through your newsfeed for conversation starters. 

9. You can find both great support and great criticism on Facebook

Our society today is very quick to judge others. Facebook just makes it easier because you can hide behind a screen and type words that you aren't actually speaking. It is unnerving to see how critical people are of others who have never walked in your shoes. I should know, I've experienced it first-hand. On the other hand though, you can also find people who will support you and walk with you. Through Facebook, I reconnected with an old friend a couple years ago who was also walking the infertility road. We've become close friends and still talk on a regular basis. I am in a couple infertility groups on Facebook where I can "talk" freely about my journey among people who truly understand and are walking similar roads. I would not have gotten through some of my struggles without these people, and I am forever grateful for them.

10. Like everything else in life, it's all about balance

Facebook, like most things, has its pros and cons. I think it can be a very addictive thing. I was addicted before I gave it up for Lent, and I think going without it for 40 days was a great way to break that addiction. I definitely plan to keep using Facebook regularly, but I no longer have no qualms about hiding posts and/or people that are offensive or hurtful to me (or honestly just plain annoying). I plan to be more intentional about what I post and more intentional about contacting the people I want to talk to directly. Facebook is great, but it's not the be all end all that some people make it out to be. Take a break from it. Go outside. Read a book. Call someone. Down time is important. Face to face time with people is important. Building relationships is important. The time you spend scrolling through your newsfeed is not time you're going to get back. If you have your eyes constantly on a screen you might miss what's going on around you. Life is better than that. You are worth more than that. So spend less time scrolling the screen and more time scrolling the life happening around you. :-)