Letting Go

I've been putting off writing this blog...because it's a difficult one for me to write. It's not even one that I necessarily WANT to write, but I know I have to. I've started writing this several times over the past few weeks and never quite got through it until now.

Let me back up a bit, so you all understand where I'm coming from. It is amazing to me how God puts us in exactly the right situation at exactly the right time. This past fall, my husband and I made a heart-wrenching decision to leave our church. It was a church that we both loved and had helped us grow in our faith tremendously. We were married in that church and met some of our closest friends at that church. The worship team that I was a part of there was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. But as much as we loved it there, we also knew it wasn't the right place for us anymore. So with heavy hearts we said our goodbyes and ventured out into the world of what I call "church shopping."

It took awhile, but in January my husband and I finally felt like we had found our new church home. I can't quite explain it, but at some point my husband and I just looked at each other and said, "we belong here." This church has challenged our faith in so many ways in the short time we've been there, and every single sermon has spoken to us in a unique way. Through this season of our lives, we have been led through some tough questions, challenges, and revelations given to us by God through the pastors on Sunday mornings. My husband and I have worked through a lot over the past few months. There is no doubt in our mind that God brought us to this particular church, at this particular time in our lives, to listen to these particular people speak, to work through these particular obstacles that we are facing.

About a month ago I experienced one of the most powerful services I can remember in my lifetime. I've certainly had my share of grief over the past two years. I knew the topic of the sermon going in, and expected I might shed a few tears...but I was in no way prepared for what happened to me in that hour.

Our pastor spoke about grief, and how we deal with grief when we've experienced loss and "hit the wall" of faith so to speak. How sometimes we have to sit at that wall for awhile before we can push through it, and then how we push through it to experience God on a whole new level. I've been sitting at this wall for quite awhile, afraid of what might happen if I push through. I've pushed through walls of faith before, I've been through times of darkness. But this time has been so different for so many reasons. I've been afraid to walk through that wall. I'm still afraid, but as an act of obedience to God I have started to push through this wall. It's not easy, but it is making me grow as a person.

During the service, our pastor had us reflect on our losses. There was a little survey in the bulletin where we were to write (fill in the blank style) about our losses. What our loss was. How we felt when we experienced that loss. Those were easy to fill out. When I lost my babies, I was angry, hurt, sad, confused, questioning "why," betrayed...basically every negative emotion a human can feel. Writing these things down brought all the emotions back to the forefront of my mind. Tears began to fall. Our pastor spoke a little more, telling the story of when he lost his father and helping us work through the emotions we were all feeling. How we had to let go of our losses and give the to God in order to be able to move on. It doesn't mean we don't love the people we lost. It doesn't mean we never think about them. It doesn't even mean we're ever done saying goodbye. I don't think there was a dry eye in the room.

And then came the hard part. Letting go. I remember this moment clear as day. The sentence read "Now, I am letting go. I am saying goodbye to                     ." As the tears started streaming down my cheeks, I knew I had to write it. But I didn't WANT to write it. My hands trembled. I felt my husband put his arm around me. We hadn't spoken one word since the service started, but we both knew what the other was thinking. In that moment, I let God's spirit take over me and I felt him say to me, "you have to write this. I know you don't want to, but you have to. It's ok, I've got you." My pen hovered over that blank line for what felt like an eternity. Finally, as the music began to play, and as an act of obedience to God, I wrote it: "my babies."

I don't remember much of the next few minutes. I know there was music, and I know I couldn't sing because every time I tried more tears came. I know I felt the spirit of God surrounding me like I hadn't felt in a long time. There were hundreds of people in the room, but at that very moment it felt like it was just me, my husband, and God. I pictured my babies being scooped up into God's loving arms. I said a silent prayer, telling God that I trusted Him to take care of them until I came home to meet them. Even now as I write this, tears are streaming down my cheeks once again.

I know I was supposed to be in that very place on that Sunday morning. God had work to do with me and my husband that day. My husband and I came home that afternoon and we wrote a note to our angel babies. We told them that we love them, and that we look forward to meeting them in heaven. We told them that they have people in heaven that love them, and people here on Earth that love them. And we told them that God will take care of them while we are still here on Earth. We signed it "Mommy & Daddy" and sealed it in an envelope.

I received a Chinese lantern at a conference in January. I was never sure how I was going to use it until that morning. My husband and I have decided that, as a symbol of releasing our angel babies to God in heaven, we are going to release this Chinese lantern with the note we wrote to our babies. Because of our schedules and this crazy weather we've been having, we haven't yet found a night that we have been able to do it. But we will. It is something that will help us in the healing process, since we never got to have funerals for our babies. There was never anything we did that symbolized them going to heaven so that we could say goodbye and have closure. Now we have that.

I've realized through all this that I haven't been able to move on and heal because I haven't been able to close the door to the past. I love the babies we lost, but dwelling on the losses will not help me heal. I have come full-circle on one of the most difficult years of my life...two miscarriages and losing my cousin. It was rough. I've finally been able to let go and say goodbye. Does it mean I'll never grieve again? No. Grief can last a lifetime. There will always be reminders around us of those we lost. There will be times we wish we could share moments with them. We will always miss them. But to be able to move on is important. To say goodbye is important. I said goodbye to my babies as an act of obedience...it wasn't because I wanted to. But God knew I needed to, and God always knows better than I do!

I'm in a better place of healing now. I'm listening to God better now. I am pushing through the wall of faith that I've been sitting at for so long, afraid of what's on the other side. And you know what? I'm liking what's on the other side. I'm not quite there yet, but I am seeing glimpses of what is coming...and it is wonderful. God will provide, and if you only just take the time to listen to Him, He will guide you through. Rarely is it ever easy, but always it is worth it.

"Come near to God and he will come near to you." -James 4:8

Carry Each Other's Burdens

My husband and I attended a fundraising dinner over the weekend for a non-profit organization founded by two of our good friends. Their mission is to offer a safe place for people to go where they can talk to someone about their struggles. It's a wonderful organization that has helped so many people, and I admire our friends' strength as they listen to the world's burdens and, I imagine, hear some really painful stories. It takes very special people to do what they do. They have helped me in my own struggles as well.

The speaker for the evening was phenomenal. Deeply profound, yet able to put a hilarious twist on every day life. He talked about how important it is for people to have someone they can talk to. How important the connections we have as humans are. His whole speech was centered around this one Bible verse:

Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. -Galatians 6:2

The speaker kept coming back to this verse, repeating it several times throughout his speech. He drove the point home: We are to take part in carrying each other's burdens. This is part of being a child of God. No one should be left to carry life's burdens alone.

Too often we get so caught up in our own lives and our own struggles that we fail to see the people around us who are also struggling. I am guilty of this myself, we all are. Life gets busy, we focus on our own needs and where we have to get to next. I heard a story this weekend of someone that was so wrapped up in his own work that he failed to see that someone was reaching to him for help...and that person later took their own life. When I heard that, I thought wow, how many times have I failed to see past my own busy life and take the time to listen to someone who really needed help? I could tell you a handful of times this has happened...but I am sure there are many more times of which I am completely unaware.

So how do we become more mindful of others' struggles? How do we help them carry their burdens, as God intended for us to do? It starts with being more observant - seeing the world with open eyes, past our own struggles and the worries of every day life. It means taking the time to listen, to ask that question "do you need to talk?", even when it means putting our own lives aside for a moment. It means letting people know you care. It means taking the time even when you don't think you have the time. It means praying with people or for people (yes, even those you don't particularly like!). Sometimes it's just a hug, or a smile. But always, it's doing things for people with LOVE.

I was reminded today of the reason why I started this blog. HOPE. I didn't start it to get attention, or sympathy, or anything of a sort. I didn't start it to cause arguments with people who don't understand my struggles (though this once in awhile has been an unfortunate side effect). No, I started this blog because when I was facing the road of infertility, I discovered it was a long, lonely road. Many people stand on the side of the road and try to help, but they don't really know how. Once in awhile I come across someone else walking the road with me, and we connect in a way that I can't connect with anyone else. But those people are few and far between...although I know there are others. There are others who feel like they are alone, navigating a confusing and often hopeless road that offers very few (if any) answers. I want those people to know they are not alone. I am walking with you, right beside you, holding your hand, grabbing your arm and letting you lean on me when you're too weak to walk on your own. Sometimes I'm leaning right back against you, and we slowly move forward leaning on each other. We are helping each other carry this burden. And when the burden becomes too heavy for the both of us to carry, God reaches down and carries it for us. Sometimes He carries US, because we are just too devastated and broken to walk at all. 

But it is my hope that this blog will reach far beyond the world of infertility. I write about it because it is my burden, and others who feel lonely will now have someone to share that burden. But my hope is that others who are struggling will find this blog and be able to find hope and love here as well.

We are not alone in our struggles. We carry each others' burdens, because we are God's children and that is how He meant it to be.

Beautiful Things

As I was on the treadmill this afternoon, the song "Beautiful Things" starting playing in my earbuds. Normally this isn't the type of song I would play when working out. It's not exactly an upbeat go get 'em pump it up type of song. But I was in the middle of one of my runs when it came on and struggling to get through it, and I didn't want to waste any energy picking up my iPhone and hitting the "next" button. I needed all the energy I could muster to get through my workout today.

I often think that God gives me exactly the song I need to hear at exactly the right moment. This was one of those moments. As crazy as it sounds, this afternoon I believe was a turning point for me. All it took was a song you say? Well, I AM a musician after all! In all seriousness though, sometimes it's a small moment in time that makes the biggest difference. It's not always a huge event. Sometimes it's just 3 minutes on a treadmill on an ordinary day.

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us.

As I listened, I knew that God was...IS going to make something beautiful out of me, out of my life. We are human, which means there is a lot of ugliness inside us. It is our nature. But God takes that ugliness and shapes it into something beautiful. He takes our trials and pain and turns it into something good. He loves ALL of us, including every little imperfection in us. It's hard to remember this sometimes. It's hard to remember that even our ugly imperfections are a part of who we are, who God made us to be. Sometimes it's hard not to focus on the ugliness. Sometimes it consumes you.

I realized today that I've been letting FEAR consume me. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. What if I'm never a mom? What if I don't meet my business goals? What if I can't lose weight again? What if I never do anything with my music again? I've had days these past few weeks when I couldn't leave the couch. I've ignored phone calls because I simply don't want to talk to anyone. Days have gone by where the only things I accomplished were waking up and feeding myself. To say I've been in a real funk and have had trouble pulling myself out of it. Why have I let this happen? HOW did I let it happen? Fear sneaks up on you sometimes. First it's just little things...and then it slowly builds. It snowballs into a giant avalanche until you realize you're about to fall off a very high cliff. Hopefully you wake up and climb back up the mountain. Sometimes it takes someone else to help you climb...or even to help you realize where you are.

My husband, God bless him, is a very quiet and patient man. On days when I just can't seem to do anything, he picks up the slack and does things like cook dinner and go on ice cream runs. It must be difficult as a husband to know when to say something to your wife, especially since we women tend to be a tad bit (ok a lot) more emotional than men. My husband wants to be sympathetic and just give me a shoulder to cry on. I appreciate that so much. But over the weekend, my husband finally said something to me about this funk I've been in...and that I appreciate so much more. We had a lengthy discussion about it, which turned into another lengthy discussion about what to do about having a baby. We now we have a new plan, and a new deadline for pursuing fertility treatments that I am comfortable with. We are holding off a little bit longer because we realize that I need to take care of myself right now. That was a difficult decision to make, but we both know it is the right one. Kudos to my husband for having the courage to say what I needed to hear, even if I didn't want to hear it at the time.

Fear holds us back. It consumes us if we let it. We have faith in God but are consumed by fear...but fear does not come from God. Fear is from the enemy. The enemy does not want you to win. The enemy doesn't want you to succeed. The enemy doesn't want you to do God's will. The enemy plants fears into our hearts and minds to hold us back from what God wants us to do. But you know what?

FEAR AND FAITH CANNOT LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE!!!

We all have, and will have in the future, battles with fear. I am in the midst of a huge battle with fear. But I will not let fear win. I can choose to wallow in my own self-pity about the past few weeks, or I can get up and dust myself off and move forward. I choose to move forward. 

God will make beautiful things out of us if we only let Him. God will put the pieces in front of us, he will lay out the path...but it is our choice whether or not we pick up those pieces and walk that path. That's the beauty of the free will God gave us. We don't always know what He is doing. We can't see His plan for us...but we can open our eyes to the things He lays before us.

Sometimes, it's just a song you hear while running on a treadmill.

In His Hands

This song has been running on a continuous loop in my head for the past week or so:

Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm

Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn

In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands

All my life
All of me
Held in your hands

All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands

"Sovereign" by Chris Tomlin

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This song has been speaking to me for days. It's been a rough couple of weeks...I haven't been myself lately. God is asking me to do things I'm not sure I can do. He's asking me to do things that I have no idea HOW to do. There are obstacles, HUGE OBSTACLES, in my way and I have no idea how I'll overcome them. But then I listen to this song, and I remember - GOD ALREADY KNOWS!! He knows what your obstacles are. He knows how you will overcome them. He will prepare the way for you if you only let Him. How will these things He is asking me to do come to pass? I have absolutely NO IDEA. But if I just trust in the Lord, and truly put it in HIS hands, it will all be ok. Listening to this song reminds me that I am EXACTLY where I am supposed to be. God put me in this exact place, at this exact point in my life, because he knew I needed to be here to get there. He knew the people that needed to cross my path and the events that needed to occur. I am where I am supposed to be. As I listen to this song, I am reminded of these things:

Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
God is everywhere, from the highest mountain to the deepest valley. He is with you.
 
With me in the calm
With me in the storm
When the waters are still, He is with you. When life brings you a hurricane, He is with you. 

Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
He is with you when you experience joy, and He is with you when you are experiencing great sorrow. He is even with you when you've cried so much that you have no tears left.
 
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn
He will walk with you through your darkest times, and He will be there to greet you when the darkness lifts and the sun rises. Even when you can't see the light coming, He is walking along side you, guiding you through the dark and towards the light.

In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
He has designed your whole life. From the time you were born until the time you return back to Him, He has every detail worked out. Trust in Him. Wrap yourself in His arms and trust that He already knows what the final puzzle looks like.

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God will never stop loving you. He ALWAYS LOVES YOU. No matter what. Even when life is hard, in the long run it will work out for good. Trust that the trials He has put you through are for a reason and will make you stronger.

All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands

All my life
All of me
Held in your hands

All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands
Everything is in HIS hands. Everything. Release all your hopes, your fears, your dreams, your worries, your sorrows...all of it release into God's loving hands. Reach up and receive His blessings upon you. Feel Him take your hands and work in your life.

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You are a beautiful, blessed, and LOVED child of God.  Never, ever forget that. We all know that life isn't always easy. We all have trials, we all experience pain and loss. But God knows what we have been through...He knows what we will be going through. The more we say, "God, I give my life to you" and mean it, the more we will find peace in our lives. Hold onto the hope that God has bigger, better plans for your life. Trust in Him and remember, He already has it all figured out. Isn't that wonderful?

Click below to listen to "Sovereign"

Nobody Expects to be Here

It's amazing how some people think that we expect hard times to fall on us. That somewhere along the way, deep down we expect to hear those devastating words - you can't have kids. You have cancer. A loved one has died. Just because we learn to live with these life-changing words does not mean that we ever expected to be in this situation. I never in a million years would have pictured myself at age 34 without kids, struggling to come to terms with the fact that I can't have kids normally like everyone else, and starting to consider that I may never have kids. No, that wasn't exactly part of the dreams I had for my life. Get married, have babies, live happily ever after. Isn't that what normal people do? Why am I so abnormal? Why is it so easy for everyone else and so hard for me? Some people talk to me like this was always a part of the plan...like I expected trouble. Like I budgeted for the thousands of dollars it would take to possibly conceive a child. But the fact of the matter is, I didn't expect it. Nobody expects it.

A friend of mine recently found out that she'll never be able to have kids. She's not even at a point in her life where she's thinking about having kids yet. She just went in for a routine yearly exam and came out with the most devastating news a woman can get - you'll never be able to bear your own child. An old high school friend and I recently reconnected because she is now seeing a fertility specialist after years of trying. Every conversation we have has some element of "I didn't expect it to be like this."

Whatever your struggle, whatever your pain, you didn't expect it to happen to you. When we were kids, we dreamed of a life full of happiness. We get married, we have kids, maybe a dog (or cats in our case!), and we all live happily ever after like they do in Disney movies. But that's not how life really ends up, is it? Somewhere along the way a huge wrench will be thrown into your plan. Suddenly you're thrown into a world where everything is upside down, nothing is going right. Suddenly the things you once thought important don't seem to matter as much anymore because you have to focus on this new, painful, path that has been laid out in front of you. It is filled with thorns to prick you, rocks to trip over, and ditches to fall in. It gets muddy sometimes and you feel stuck. You feel like you can't move anywhere - or maybe it's that you can't decide whether it's better to get pricked or to fall again. You know there's a clear path somewhere in the distance, but you can't always see it. Even when you get a glimpse of it, you wonder if you'll ever get there.

I told my friend the other day that, while I hate the fact that people have to go through struggles, I'm glad that there are people I can talk to that are going through (or have gone through) the same (or similar) thing. It's a paradox of sorts I guess. I don't wish infertility on anyone...it is just one of the most awful things to endure. But if I have to go through it...if someone else has to go through it...I'm thankful that we have each other to lean on. Is it fair? No way. I wish I could be like those people who pop out babies without even trying. I should have two kids by now...one would have either just been born or about to be born, and the other should be coming up on their 1st birthday in April. But they're not here. They're in God's hands right now - and so are you. You see, while we're going through these difficult times in our lives we do have one person we can ALWAYS rely on. God may not stop bad things from happening to you, but He WILL walk beside you - or even carry you - when they happen.

Earlier this week I had a particularly difficult day. Just one of those days where nothing went right and negative people kept interfering in my life. As a musician, it is music that soothes my soul and what makes me feel closest to God. So I sat down at my piano, opened my notebook full of worship songs, and played. I don't know how long I sat there and played and sang, but it was a while. A peace started to come over me, and I felt God reaching down and touching my heart. In that moment, I knew He was there and things would be ok.

We don't expect struggle. We don't expect bad things to happen to us. But when they do, God is with you. We will get bruised and broken...but when we begin to heal, the bruises fade and the bones strengthen. Be gentle with those who are experiencing the unexpected struggles. Be the kind of person that reaches out, lets them know you'll hold their hand while they walk this rocky, prickly, muddy path, and helps them to put back together the pieces of their torn soul.