Carry Each Other's Burdens

My husband and I attended a fundraising dinner over the weekend for a non-profit organization founded by two of our good friends. Their mission is to offer a safe place for people to go where they can talk to someone about their struggles. It's a wonderful organization that has helped so many people, and I admire our friends' strength as they listen to the world's burdens and, I imagine, hear some really painful stories. It takes very special people to do what they do. They have helped me in my own struggles as well.

The speaker for the evening was phenomenal. Deeply profound, yet able to put a hilarious twist on every day life. He talked about how important it is for people to have someone they can talk to. How important the connections we have as humans are. His whole speech was centered around this one Bible verse:

Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. -Galatians 6:2

The speaker kept coming back to this verse, repeating it several times throughout his speech. He drove the point home: We are to take part in carrying each other's burdens. This is part of being a child of God. No one should be left to carry life's burdens alone.

Too often we get so caught up in our own lives and our own struggles that we fail to see the people around us who are also struggling. I am guilty of this myself, we all are. Life gets busy, we focus on our own needs and where we have to get to next. I heard a story this weekend of someone that was so wrapped up in his own work that he failed to see that someone was reaching to him for help...and that person later took their own life. When I heard that, I thought wow, how many times have I failed to see past my own busy life and take the time to listen to someone who really needed help? I could tell you a handful of times this has happened...but I am sure there are many more times of which I am completely unaware.

So how do we become more mindful of others' struggles? How do we help them carry their burdens, as God intended for us to do? It starts with being more observant - seeing the world with open eyes, past our own struggles and the worries of every day life. It means taking the time to listen, to ask that question "do you need to talk?", even when it means putting our own lives aside for a moment. It means letting people know you care. It means taking the time even when you don't think you have the time. It means praying with people or for people (yes, even those you don't particularly like!). Sometimes it's just a hug, or a smile. But always, it's doing things for people with LOVE.

I was reminded today of the reason why I started this blog. HOPE. I didn't start it to get attention, or sympathy, or anything of a sort. I didn't start it to cause arguments with people who don't understand my struggles (though this once in awhile has been an unfortunate side effect). No, I started this blog because when I was facing the road of infertility, I discovered it was a long, lonely road. Many people stand on the side of the road and try to help, but they don't really know how. Once in awhile I come across someone else walking the road with me, and we connect in a way that I can't connect with anyone else. But those people are few and far between...although I know there are others. There are others who feel like they are alone, navigating a confusing and often hopeless road that offers very few (if any) answers. I want those people to know they are not alone. I am walking with you, right beside you, holding your hand, grabbing your arm and letting you lean on me when you're too weak to walk on your own. Sometimes I'm leaning right back against you, and we slowly move forward leaning on each other. We are helping each other carry this burden. And when the burden becomes too heavy for the both of us to carry, God reaches down and carries it for us. Sometimes He carries US, because we are just too devastated and broken to walk at all. 

But it is my hope that this blog will reach far beyond the world of infertility. I write about it because it is my burden, and others who feel lonely will now have someone to share that burden. But my hope is that others who are struggling will find this blog and be able to find hope and love here as well.

We are not alone in our struggles. We carry each others' burdens, because we are God's children and that is how He meant it to be.

Beautiful Things

As I was on the treadmill this afternoon, the song "Beautiful Things" starting playing in my earbuds. Normally this isn't the type of song I would play when working out. It's not exactly an upbeat go get 'em pump it up type of song. But I was in the middle of one of my runs when it came on and struggling to get through it, and I didn't want to waste any energy picking up my iPhone and hitting the "next" button. I needed all the energy I could muster to get through my workout today.

I often think that God gives me exactly the song I need to hear at exactly the right moment. This was one of those moments. As crazy as it sounds, this afternoon I believe was a turning point for me. All it took was a song you say? Well, I AM a musician after all! In all seriousness though, sometimes it's a small moment in time that makes the biggest difference. It's not always a huge event. Sometimes it's just 3 minutes on a treadmill on an ordinary day.

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us.

As I listened, I knew that God was...IS going to make something beautiful out of me, out of my life. We are human, which means there is a lot of ugliness inside us. It is our nature. But God takes that ugliness and shapes it into something beautiful. He takes our trials and pain and turns it into something good. He loves ALL of us, including every little imperfection in us. It's hard to remember this sometimes. It's hard to remember that even our ugly imperfections are a part of who we are, who God made us to be. Sometimes it's hard not to focus on the ugliness. Sometimes it consumes you.

I realized today that I've been letting FEAR consume me. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. What if I'm never a mom? What if I don't meet my business goals? What if I can't lose weight again? What if I never do anything with my music again? I've had days these past few weeks when I couldn't leave the couch. I've ignored phone calls because I simply don't want to talk to anyone. Days have gone by where the only things I accomplished were waking up and feeding myself. To say I've been in a real funk and have had trouble pulling myself out of it. Why have I let this happen? HOW did I let it happen? Fear sneaks up on you sometimes. First it's just little things...and then it slowly builds. It snowballs into a giant avalanche until you realize you're about to fall off a very high cliff. Hopefully you wake up and climb back up the mountain. Sometimes it takes someone else to help you climb...or even to help you realize where you are.

My husband, God bless him, is a very quiet and patient man. On days when I just can't seem to do anything, he picks up the slack and does things like cook dinner and go on ice cream runs. It must be difficult as a husband to know when to say something to your wife, especially since we women tend to be a tad bit (ok a lot) more emotional than men. My husband wants to be sympathetic and just give me a shoulder to cry on. I appreciate that so much. But over the weekend, my husband finally said something to me about this funk I've been in...and that I appreciate so much more. We had a lengthy discussion about it, which turned into another lengthy discussion about what to do about having a baby. We now we have a new plan, and a new deadline for pursuing fertility treatments that I am comfortable with. We are holding off a little bit longer because we realize that I need to take care of myself right now. That was a difficult decision to make, but we both know it is the right one. Kudos to my husband for having the courage to say what I needed to hear, even if I didn't want to hear it at the time.

Fear holds us back. It consumes us if we let it. We have faith in God but are consumed by fear...but fear does not come from God. Fear is from the enemy. The enemy does not want you to win. The enemy doesn't want you to succeed. The enemy doesn't want you to do God's will. The enemy plants fears into our hearts and minds to hold us back from what God wants us to do. But you know what?

FEAR AND FAITH CANNOT LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE!!!

We all have, and will have in the future, battles with fear. I am in the midst of a huge battle with fear. But I will not let fear win. I can choose to wallow in my own self-pity about the past few weeks, or I can get up and dust myself off and move forward. I choose to move forward. 

God will make beautiful things out of us if we only let Him. God will put the pieces in front of us, he will lay out the path...but it is our choice whether or not we pick up those pieces and walk that path. That's the beauty of the free will God gave us. We don't always know what He is doing. We can't see His plan for us...but we can open our eyes to the things He lays before us.

Sometimes, it's just a song you hear while running on a treadmill.

In His Hands

This song has been running on a continuous loop in my head for the past week or so:

Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm

Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn

In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands

All my life
All of me
Held in your hands

All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands

"Sovereign" by Chris Tomlin

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This song has been speaking to me for days. It's been a rough couple of weeks...I haven't been myself lately. God is asking me to do things I'm not sure I can do. He's asking me to do things that I have no idea HOW to do. There are obstacles, HUGE OBSTACLES, in my way and I have no idea how I'll overcome them. But then I listen to this song, and I remember - GOD ALREADY KNOWS!! He knows what your obstacles are. He knows how you will overcome them. He will prepare the way for you if you only let Him. How will these things He is asking me to do come to pass? I have absolutely NO IDEA. But if I just trust in the Lord, and truly put it in HIS hands, it will all be ok. Listening to this song reminds me that I am EXACTLY where I am supposed to be. God put me in this exact place, at this exact point in my life, because he knew I needed to be here to get there. He knew the people that needed to cross my path and the events that needed to occur. I am where I am supposed to be. As I listen to this song, I am reminded of these things:

Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
God is everywhere, from the highest mountain to the deepest valley. He is with you.
 
With me in the calm
With me in the storm
When the waters are still, He is with you. When life brings you a hurricane, He is with you. 

Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
He is with you when you experience joy, and He is with you when you are experiencing great sorrow. He is even with you when you've cried so much that you have no tears left.
 
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn
He will walk with you through your darkest times, and He will be there to greet you when the darkness lifts and the sun rises. Even when you can't see the light coming, He is walking along side you, guiding you through the dark and towards the light.

In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
He has designed your whole life. From the time you were born until the time you return back to Him, He has every detail worked out. Trust in Him. Wrap yourself in His arms and trust that He already knows what the final puzzle looks like.

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God will never stop loving you. He ALWAYS LOVES YOU. No matter what. Even when life is hard, in the long run it will work out for good. Trust that the trials He has put you through are for a reason and will make you stronger.

All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands

All my life
All of me
Held in your hands

All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands
Everything is in HIS hands. Everything. Release all your hopes, your fears, your dreams, your worries, your sorrows...all of it release into God's loving hands. Reach up and receive His blessings upon you. Feel Him take your hands and work in your life.

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You are a beautiful, blessed, and LOVED child of God.  Never, ever forget that. We all know that life isn't always easy. We all have trials, we all experience pain and loss. But God knows what we have been through...He knows what we will be going through. The more we say, "God, I give my life to you" and mean it, the more we will find peace in our lives. Hold onto the hope that God has bigger, better plans for your life. Trust in Him and remember, He already has it all figured out. Isn't that wonderful?

Click below to listen to "Sovereign"

Nobody Expects to be Here

It's amazing how some people think that we expect hard times to fall on us. That somewhere along the way, deep down we expect to hear those devastating words - you can't have kids. You have cancer. A loved one has died. Just because we learn to live with these life-changing words does not mean that we ever expected to be in this situation. I never in a million years would have pictured myself at age 34 without kids, struggling to come to terms with the fact that I can't have kids normally like everyone else, and starting to consider that I may never have kids. No, that wasn't exactly part of the dreams I had for my life. Get married, have babies, live happily ever after. Isn't that what normal people do? Why am I so abnormal? Why is it so easy for everyone else and so hard for me? Some people talk to me like this was always a part of the plan...like I expected trouble. Like I budgeted for the thousands of dollars it would take to possibly conceive a child. But the fact of the matter is, I didn't expect it. Nobody expects it.

A friend of mine recently found out that she'll never be able to have kids. She's not even at a point in her life where she's thinking about having kids yet. She just went in for a routine yearly exam and came out with the most devastating news a woman can get - you'll never be able to bear your own child. An old high school friend and I recently reconnected because she is now seeing a fertility specialist after years of trying. Every conversation we have has some element of "I didn't expect it to be like this."

Whatever your struggle, whatever your pain, you didn't expect it to happen to you. When we were kids, we dreamed of a life full of happiness. We get married, we have kids, maybe a dog (or cats in our case!), and we all live happily ever after like they do in Disney movies. But that's not how life really ends up, is it? Somewhere along the way a huge wrench will be thrown into your plan. Suddenly you're thrown into a world where everything is upside down, nothing is going right. Suddenly the things you once thought important don't seem to matter as much anymore because you have to focus on this new, painful, path that has been laid out in front of you. It is filled with thorns to prick you, rocks to trip over, and ditches to fall in. It gets muddy sometimes and you feel stuck. You feel like you can't move anywhere - or maybe it's that you can't decide whether it's better to get pricked or to fall again. You know there's a clear path somewhere in the distance, but you can't always see it. Even when you get a glimpse of it, you wonder if you'll ever get there.

I told my friend the other day that, while I hate the fact that people have to go through struggles, I'm glad that there are people I can talk to that are going through (or have gone through) the same (or similar) thing. It's a paradox of sorts I guess. I don't wish infertility on anyone...it is just one of the most awful things to endure. But if I have to go through it...if someone else has to go through it...I'm thankful that we have each other to lean on. Is it fair? No way. I wish I could be like those people who pop out babies without even trying. I should have two kids by now...one would have either just been born or about to be born, and the other should be coming up on their 1st birthday in April. But they're not here. They're in God's hands right now - and so are you. You see, while we're going through these difficult times in our lives we do have one person we can ALWAYS rely on. God may not stop bad things from happening to you, but He WILL walk beside you - or even carry you - when they happen.

Earlier this week I had a particularly difficult day. Just one of those days where nothing went right and negative people kept interfering in my life. As a musician, it is music that soothes my soul and what makes me feel closest to God. So I sat down at my piano, opened my notebook full of worship songs, and played. I don't know how long I sat there and played and sang, but it was a while. A peace started to come over me, and I felt God reaching down and touching my heart. In that moment, I knew He was there and things would be ok.

We don't expect struggle. We don't expect bad things to happen to us. But when they do, God is with you. We will get bruised and broken...but when we begin to heal, the bruises fade and the bones strengthen. Be gentle with those who are experiencing the unexpected struggles. Be the kind of person that reaches out, lets them know you'll hold their hand while they walk this rocky, prickly, muddy path, and helps them to put back together the pieces of their torn soul.

Let's Talk About Sex

Well hello readers! I have not been keeping up very well with this blog, and I apologize. I started the "Waiting for Grace" project to bring hope to those who are suffering, and I feel like I have let you down lately. I really have no excuse, and I am sorry. Please forgive me for my negligence, I will try to do better!

Now, to the topic for today. I had a couple conversations with someone recently about how our society is so reluctant to talk about infertility, miscarriage, and infant loss. I recently read an EXCELLENT article on the topic, which you can find here. We live in this age where people feel the need to share just about everything. Social media has made us an over-sharing society, where we are able to know every minute of everyone's lives. Never before has there been a generation that shares so much. The age of anonymity is gone. Of all my 300+ Facebook friends, I could probably tell you almost every single one of their political affiliations, religions, where they live, what vacations they've been on, who's married or single (and who they're dating), their occupation (and what their company is currently promoting), and so on and so forth. And hey, I'm no different! I love sharing what's going on in my life, and I love seeing what's going on in others' lives. I advertise my business with pride. I've connected with some pretty awesome people through Facebook...and in case you didn't know the story, Facebook is the vehicle through which my husband and I reconnected over 4 years ago. The reason this very blog was started was because of people I've connected with through Facebook! I'm not knocking it at all - I'm just as addicted as the rest of you. BUT, with all this over-sharing, we still can't talk about the hard stuff.

I know people (myself included) who have shared struggles on Facebook that have been criticized for it. And not just criticized, downright ridiculed and *gasp* DE-FRIENDED!! I'm sorry, REALLY?!? We have created this culture that doesn't even require TALKING TO PEOPLE. You don't agree with someone? De-friend them! Heaven forbid you actually TALK to someone about what's bothering you. No, that would mean actually HAVING A CONVERSATION, and it might even require some COMPRISE or COMPASSION. OH THE HORROR!!! /End mini-rant.

Ok, back to my point. Even if Facebook weren't around, even if we weren't living in this over-sharing society, infertility/miscarriage/infant loss still would be a taboo subject. I imagine it has been that way for centuries. And I think it's time for that to change. We don't even like to talk about how babies are made. Ok yeah, we all know boy and girl have sex and 9 months later a baby comes. But in all honesty, until my husband and I started trying to make a baby, we didn't know just how complicated it really was. When we started to think about trying, we both just thought "Yeah! We'll just have lots and lots of sex and eventually Ade will get pregnant!" (my husband was very excited about the lots and lots of sex!) Then someone recommended a book to me called "Taking Charge of Your Fertility." Whoa. As I read through this book, I was shocked. SHOCKED I tell you! I had no idea that there were only a couple days a month you could actually get pregnant, and all the stuff about ovulation and what to look for and taking temperatures and...wow. Talk about overwhelming! Even through all the high school sex-ed classes and the "birds and the bees" talks, no one ever mentioned how to get pregnant. All the focus was on how NOT to get pregnant, which, when you're young and single is of the utmost importance. But where are the classes that teach you about what to do when you actually WANT to get pregnant? I've never seen one. We don't want to talk about that part. No, that would mean actually talking about sex and *gasp* encouraging that married people actually have sex! Oh my non-virgin ears, please stop!

So even when you've figured out exactly what to do to get pregnant (and maybe someone was even kind enough to talk to you about it), and you've tried and tried and done everything right, sometimes it still doesn't work out. Then what? Typical OB/GYNs will tell you to keep trying, and that you're young and have time, yadda yadda yadda. Some will run some basic blood tests, and some will even test your husband. But if you aren't an advocate for your own reproductive health, it can be years before you get referred to a fertility doctor. And then, even if you have the best fertility doctors (which I very fortunately do), there is still a whole new world to navigate with very little (if any) help. You have no other choice but to trust what the doctor is telling you...but what if they're wrong? What if they don't have your best interest in mind? This happens, and it causes even more hurt, pain, and frustration to add to the already painful struggle with infertility. Where do fertility patients find help? Where do we find other alternatives when traditional treatments aren't working? Who do we talk to when we just need to cry? Most of our friends don't understand. Some will tell you they can't listen because it's too much for them. Others will try to listen but just repeat the same stuff you've heard everywhere else. It's ok. Your time will come. God has a plan. And then you're stuck in the loneliest of lonely places, thinking that there's no one else that could possibly understand your struggle. You feel ashamed that you can't get pregnant, even though millions of other women have. What's wrong with you??

Yes, it's extremely difficult to talk about these things. But don't you think it's also extremely difficult to experience them? Why should women be left to mourn their babies (or the thought of their babies) alone? Society puts a lid on infertility and loss, and makes women experiencing these things to feel shamed. Shame in the fact that I have trouble getting pregnant, and shame in the fact that both times I got pregnant I lost my babies in the first trimester. It shouldn't be this way. It's not our fault. If we were able to talk about these things, and if we were able to share with others our struggles, we might not feel so alone. There is no shame in infertility, and there is no shame in losing a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. The only shame is that society sweeps these conversations under the carpet and acts like it doesn't happen. We as women are told to move on and try again, and treat our losses as if they were just a small stumbling block on the road to motherhood. It makes me want to scream.

We as a society refuse to delve into the world of infertility and loss, because it's just too hard. Why do I talk about it? Because I know there are other women out there who are struggling, too. I know other women who, like me, still dream of holding their babies in their arms after many years of trying. I know other women who, like me, have lost babies before they even knew their gender or their bellies began to grow. I know women who have given birth to babies that never took a breath in this world. There are too many women in this world who never heard their babies cry.

No one LIKES talking about the innocent lives that should have been. But you know what? It's high time we started talking about it. It is painful. It is recognizing that sometimes even the most natural of things don't work the way they should...that not everyone gets to have the children they've dreamed of. That sometimes even in the most perfect of circumstances, bad things happen.

So I'm gonna talk until I have no voice left (if you know me, you know I'll be talking for a very long time! Haha). I'm gonna write until my fingers fall off. I am tearing off the lid of silence that has been sealed shut for way too long. I'm gonna tell the world that it is NOT OK to pretend infertility, miscarriage, and infant loss don't happen. I'm gonna tell the women who struggle with these things that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Do not be ashamed because the world tells you that's how you should feel. Many women are struggling along with you. And if by talking and writing and spreading this message of hope I have helped only one woman, it will have all been worth it.

No one should be left to suffer alone.