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Saturday, February 20, 2016
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
When God asks something of you
It seems appropriate that today's post is about sacrifice, as today is the first day of Lent. 10 days ago I made a decision to stop eating gluten, dairy, soy, and processed sugars. This decision has been a long time coming, and the series of events that led up to the final decision were truly divine.
Do you ever have moments when you feel God speaking to you? I try to look for God's direction in every aspect of my life; through other people, things I read, things that happen to me, etc. Towards the beginning of this year I felt God starting to whisper in my ear about changing my diet. First it was a blog post by another infertility blogger I follow. Then it was a conference call. And finally, a book I was reading late one night. It all sort of fell into place quickly and then I knew - it was time to give up some of the foods I love. But not just for Lent, for much longer. Maybe even forever.
Women with PCOS struggle a lot with diet. Our bodies do not respond to certain foods in the same way that a "normal" body does. There are certain foods that wreak havoc on our bodies, spike our blood sugar, inhibit insulin production, and make our hormones go wild (as if we need any more help with that!). I have done loads of research on diet and PCOS over the years, and I've dabbled in different diets. It's not that I don't know what works for my body...it's that I'm too darn stubborn to give up the unhealthy foods that I love! I wanted to keep eating them because darn it! Other people can so why can't I? I LOVE sugar and carbs and I especially love cheese! It's not fair that I should have to give them up - or is it?
I recently read a book titled Greater by Steven Furtick. It is a quick but excellent read and really makes you think. I highly recommend it! As I was reading this book, I also read a blog post about being obedient and giving up the things that God has asked you to and having faith, even when it doesn't make sense. This particular blogger, a fellow PCOS sister, had decided to give up gluten and dairy and wrote about how it made a huge impact on her health. It got me thinking. And then I was on a conference call with some fellow businesswomen discussing similar things - making small sacrifices to obtain big rewards, listening and being obedient to what God is telling us to do. It was then that I thought, "maybe God is trying to tell me something?"
And then, after several more signs came my way, I had my "a ha" moment. I was reading Greater one night, and Furtick was talking about the story of Naaman in the Bible. He had Leprosy, and said he would do anything to be healed...except he refused to do the one thing that he was told to do; bathe in the Jordan river. And Furtick asked the question (I'm paraphrasing) what is the one thing that God has asked you to do that you refuse to do?
Ouch. That stings, doesn't it?
I instantly knew the answer. It was as if the Holy Spirit and reached down from heaven and smacked me upside the head. In that very moment I knew that I knew that I knew it was time to make a drastic change to my diet. It wasn't going to be easy, but it was going to be worth it.
You see, for over 4 years now I have said I would do anything to have a baby. I'd give up anything to hold that precious bundle of joy in my arms. But would I really? Was I really being honest with myself? The sad truth is no, I wasn't. Because it was easier to throw money at the problem. It was easier to take supplements and medication and consult with fertility doctors and give myself shots and hope to find a solution that didn't involve me giving up my favorite foods. Sure I've toyed around with several diets over the past 4 years, but I've never REALLY been serious about it. Not until now. Because you know what? It's time to be honest with myself. It's time to give up the one thing that God has been asking me to give up all along. Besides, nothing else has worked! I have nothing to lose, right?
So I prayed. I asked God to give me the strength to give up the things I need to. I asked forgiveness for being so stubborn and not listening to Him all these years. I asked for guidance and a sense of peace in my decision. I asked Him for the strength to say no to the things I needed to say no to. And I thanked Him for putting the people and circumstances in my path over the past few weeks that led me to this decision.
I have now been eating a gluten-free, dairy-free, soy-free, low-sugar diet for 10 days. And you know what? I actually feel really good! Not just physically, but mentally and spiritually as well. And you know the funny thing? I don't feel like I've sacrificed anything! Perhaps it's because I know that I am doing what God wants me to do. I have finally let go of my selfish stubbornness and submitted to God's will and it feels great! I know this isn't always going to be easy (because let's be real here. I have a huge weakness for baked goods and cheese), but I know in the end it will be worth it. And for once, I don't feel like I'm on a diet at all. I haven't even noticed what I'm missing, because I don't feel like I'm missing anything (ask me this again after I go on a business trip next month to one of my favorite cities and all its glorious foods! HA!).
For some, it may seem silly that I'm making such a big deal out of food. But for me, someone who struggles with an eating disorder and food addiction, this is a HUGE step. I am truly making a small sacrifice for something greater. Because if this sacrifice results in me getting pregnant and holding a precious baby in my arms, I don't think I'll really care about how many cupcakes I missed out on or the cheese dip I passed up at the last party, or how I'm more careful about what I order at a restaurant. Nope, I imagine none of that will matter much. And can I tell you something? I know without a doubt that this is the right thing for me. I know that this sacrifice is getting me one step closer to holding that sweet baby in my arms. How do I know? Because for once, I've actually listened and obeyed God's orders, and I feel so convicted that He has asked this of me. I am at complete peace with this decision, and my oh my it feels good!
So now I ask you - what is the one thing in your life that you KNOW God has asked you to do and/or sacrifice that you keep refusing? What's that one thing you'd do anything for - except the one thing that God is asking you to do?
Pray about it, meditate on it, and ask God for the strength to act on it. Chances are you already know what it is, and you've been pushing it to the back of your mind like I did. If that's the case, then bring it forward and force yourself to face it. It's a scary thing to do, but I promise you will feel so much better when you deal with it. And when you do, lean into God and immerse yourself in His power. Things like these are impossible to do alone, but the wonderful thing is, you don't have to!
"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." -Philippians 4:13 (NLT)
Do you ever have moments when you feel God speaking to you? I try to look for God's direction in every aspect of my life; through other people, things I read, things that happen to me, etc. Towards the beginning of this year I felt God starting to whisper in my ear about changing my diet. First it was a blog post by another infertility blogger I follow. Then it was a conference call. And finally, a book I was reading late one night. It all sort of fell into place quickly and then I knew - it was time to give up some of the foods I love. But not just for Lent, for much longer. Maybe even forever.
Women with PCOS struggle a lot with diet. Our bodies do not respond to certain foods in the same way that a "normal" body does. There are certain foods that wreak havoc on our bodies, spike our blood sugar, inhibit insulin production, and make our hormones go wild (as if we need any more help with that!). I have done loads of research on diet and PCOS over the years, and I've dabbled in different diets. It's not that I don't know what works for my body...it's that I'm too darn stubborn to give up the unhealthy foods that I love! I wanted to keep eating them because darn it! Other people can so why can't I? I LOVE sugar and carbs and I especially love cheese! It's not fair that I should have to give them up - or is it?
I recently read a book titled Greater by Steven Furtick. It is a quick but excellent read and really makes you think. I highly recommend it! As I was reading this book, I also read a blog post about being obedient and giving up the things that God has asked you to and having faith, even when it doesn't make sense. This particular blogger, a fellow PCOS sister, had decided to give up gluten and dairy and wrote about how it made a huge impact on her health. It got me thinking. And then I was on a conference call with some fellow businesswomen discussing similar things - making small sacrifices to obtain big rewards, listening and being obedient to what God is telling us to do. It was then that I thought, "maybe God is trying to tell me something?"
And then, after several more signs came my way, I had my "a ha" moment. I was reading Greater one night, and Furtick was talking about the story of Naaman in the Bible. He had Leprosy, and said he would do anything to be healed...except he refused to do the one thing that he was told to do; bathe in the Jordan river. And Furtick asked the question (I'm paraphrasing) what is the one thing that God has asked you to do that you refuse to do?
Ouch. That stings, doesn't it?
I instantly knew the answer. It was as if the Holy Spirit and reached down from heaven and smacked me upside the head. In that very moment I knew that I knew that I knew it was time to make a drastic change to my diet. It wasn't going to be easy, but it was going to be worth it.
You see, for over 4 years now I have said I would do anything to have a baby. I'd give up anything to hold that precious bundle of joy in my arms. But would I really? Was I really being honest with myself? The sad truth is no, I wasn't. Because it was easier to throw money at the problem. It was easier to take supplements and medication and consult with fertility doctors and give myself shots and hope to find a solution that didn't involve me giving up my favorite foods. Sure I've toyed around with several diets over the past 4 years, but I've never REALLY been serious about it. Not until now. Because you know what? It's time to be honest with myself. It's time to give up the one thing that God has been asking me to give up all along. Besides, nothing else has worked! I have nothing to lose, right?
So I prayed. I asked God to give me the strength to give up the things I need to. I asked forgiveness for being so stubborn and not listening to Him all these years. I asked for guidance and a sense of peace in my decision. I asked Him for the strength to say no to the things I needed to say no to. And I thanked Him for putting the people and circumstances in my path over the past few weeks that led me to this decision.
I have now been eating a gluten-free, dairy-free, soy-free, low-sugar diet for 10 days. And you know what? I actually feel really good! Not just physically, but mentally and spiritually as well. And you know the funny thing? I don't feel like I've sacrificed anything! Perhaps it's because I know that I am doing what God wants me to do. I have finally let go of my selfish stubbornness and submitted to God's will and it feels great! I know this isn't always going to be easy (because let's be real here. I have a huge weakness for baked goods and cheese), but I know in the end it will be worth it. And for once, I don't feel like I'm on a diet at all. I haven't even noticed what I'm missing, because I don't feel like I'm missing anything (ask me this again after I go on a business trip next month to one of my favorite cities and all its glorious foods! HA!).
For some, it may seem silly that I'm making such a big deal out of food. But for me, someone who struggles with an eating disorder and food addiction, this is a HUGE step. I am truly making a small sacrifice for something greater. Because if this sacrifice results in me getting pregnant and holding a precious baby in my arms, I don't think I'll really care about how many cupcakes I missed out on or the cheese dip I passed up at the last party, or how I'm more careful about what I order at a restaurant. Nope, I imagine none of that will matter much. And can I tell you something? I know without a doubt that this is the right thing for me. I know that this sacrifice is getting me one step closer to holding that sweet baby in my arms. How do I know? Because for once, I've actually listened and obeyed God's orders, and I feel so convicted that He has asked this of me. I am at complete peace with this decision, and my oh my it feels good!
So now I ask you - what is the one thing in your life that you KNOW God has asked you to do and/or sacrifice that you keep refusing? What's that one thing you'd do anything for - except the one thing that God is asking you to do?
Pray about it, meditate on it, and ask God for the strength to act on it. Chances are you already know what it is, and you've been pushing it to the back of your mind like I did. If that's the case, then bring it forward and force yourself to face it. It's a scary thing to do, but I promise you will feel so much better when you deal with it. And when you do, lean into God and immerse yourself in His power. Things like these are impossible to do alone, but the wonderful thing is, you don't have to!
"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." -Philippians 4:13 (NLT)
Thursday, February 4, 2016
A New Calling
Well friends, I've been promising you a big announcement is coming and I don't want to disappoint! We've been waiting for all the i's to be dotted and t's to be crossed before making this public announcement.
My husband and I are going to be foster parents!
This has been a long time coming. We started the approval process back in the spring. We had hoped to start fostering by the fall but life got in the way. My grandma passed away, we got a puppy (he's an adorable little devil), we added a bathroom to our house...
Anyway, that's the big news! How did we get here? Well, that's a long story. Had you asked me a year ago if I'd ever considered being a foster parent, I would've told you no way. I've taught in low-income schools, where I saw many foster children and how it affected them. My mom was a child psychiatric nurse for over 20 years and I have heard the stories. I was warned over and over that taking in troubled children would wreak havoc on my life, and I should leave that up to someone else.
Well, my husband and I are that someone else.
About two years ago, right around the time we were considering starting fertility treatments, my husband and I had a conversation about adoption. We did a lot of research, and even went so far as to meet with two agencies. However, as we were going through this process and saw the gigantic price tag for a private infant adoption, we decided to give fertility treatments a try. After several failed fertility treatments we again considered adoption...but again, the price tag was just too much for us to stomach (for those that don't know, we're talking on average $30,000-40,000 once all is said and done). Yes, funding is available and yes, you get a lot back with the adoption tax credit. But there is also a requirement for most adoption agencies that you stop trying for a biological child if your reason for adopting is infertility. And that was the nail in the coffin for us. We don't want to give up on that, not yet, not ever. Not until my body has had its final menstural cycle and there is absolutely no possible way I can conceive a biological child. And I still have more than a few years to go until we cross that bridge. ;-) We both know several people who have adopted through private agencies and we and are in full support of their decision! But for us, it just wasn't right. So instead, we bought a house. :-)
So let's fast forward to spring 2015. We originally had plans to go back to the fertility clinic at the end of the summer. But, something inside me just didn't feel that was the right thing to do. Not yet.
Then one Sunday morning there was an ad in our church bulletin for a local foster agency in need of foster families. A fleeting thought passed through my mind, "what if we did this?" The ad stayed in our church bulletin for several more weeks. Each week, I found myself thinking about it more and more. I got online and researched the agency, and several others (because, why not?). And then I finally brought it up to my husband - "what if?"
We talked about it. We Weighed all the pros and cons. We went to an information meeting, and next thing we knew we were in orientation. Our heads were swirling with information and we were learning about things we hardly knew existed. It was crazy! Through this process, I have learned so much. My perspective on foster parenting and the whole foster care system in general has changed. There are so many stigmas associated with it...but that's a whole other blog post!
The approval process was nerve-wracking. The agency dug deep into our personal lives and got to know who we really are. We had to get references and write things about ourselves and answer very personal questions. We had to prepare our home for inspection, and think about safety protocols that normal families don't necessarily think about.
On the day of our home study, I was more nervous than I had been on my wedding day! Here a social worker was coming into our home to inspect it, ask us lots of very personal questions, and decide whether or not we were fit to be parents. And since we were also seeking approval to potentially adopt, it was even more intense. Every aspect of our lives was analyzed. Old wounds were opened. All this to potentially provide a temporary home to a child in need who, if all goes well, we might even get to call our own someday.
So now, we wait. I've been getting pretty good at waiting over the years, but this time it's a little different. We don't know if we'll get a call today or tomorrow or next month. It all depends on what comes through the agency and if the powers that be think a particular child would be a good fit for our family. In other words, it is completely out of our hands.
Friends, could I ask you to pray for us during this time? God has put a calling on our hearts that is so great, yet so overwhelming. It is exciting and terrifying and wildly unpredictable. Our lives have already changed so much, and that is before we even have a child in our home! This is a difficult road that many people don't...can't travel. We were told several times in our trainings that if God has not clearly called you to be a foster parent, then don't do it. But we do believe He has called us to this and that He has equipped us. Because God does not call the equipped! He equips the called!
We have a lot of love to give, and our goal is to show at least one child that the world is not a horrible place. There is love, there is Christ, there is hope and redemption. Perhaps God has been preparing us for this all along. It is going to be an adventure like no other, but in the end I truly believe it will be the best thing we ever did.
I, of course, will be blogging about our foster parenting journey. I'll share as much as I am legally allowed to. :-) Maybe you have felt this calling on your heart, too. If you have, please listen to it. There are so many children who are in need of good homes. I am happy to talk to you about it and help navigate through the process.
"May He equip you with all you need for doing His will. May He produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to Him. All the glory to Him forever and ever! Amen." -Hebrews 13:21 (NLT)
My husband and I are going to be foster parents!
This has been a long time coming. We started the approval process back in the spring. We had hoped to start fostering by the fall but life got in the way. My grandma passed away, we got a puppy (he's an adorable little devil), we added a bathroom to our house...
Anyway, that's the big news! How did we get here? Well, that's a long story. Had you asked me a year ago if I'd ever considered being a foster parent, I would've told you no way. I've taught in low-income schools, where I saw many foster children and how it affected them. My mom was a child psychiatric nurse for over 20 years and I have heard the stories. I was warned over and over that taking in troubled children would wreak havoc on my life, and I should leave that up to someone else.
Well, my husband and I are that someone else.
About two years ago, right around the time we were considering starting fertility treatments, my husband and I had a conversation about adoption. We did a lot of research, and even went so far as to meet with two agencies. However, as we were going through this process and saw the gigantic price tag for a private infant adoption, we decided to give fertility treatments a try. After several failed fertility treatments we again considered adoption...but again, the price tag was just too much for us to stomach (for those that don't know, we're talking on average $30,000-40,000 once all is said and done). Yes, funding is available and yes, you get a lot back with the adoption tax credit. But there is also a requirement for most adoption agencies that you stop trying for a biological child if your reason for adopting is infertility. And that was the nail in the coffin for us. We don't want to give up on that, not yet, not ever. Not until my body has had its final menstural cycle and there is absolutely no possible way I can conceive a biological child. And I still have more than a few years to go until we cross that bridge. ;-) We both know several people who have adopted through private agencies and we and are in full support of their decision! But for us, it just wasn't right. So instead, we bought a house. :-)
So let's fast forward to spring 2015. We originally had plans to go back to the fertility clinic at the end of the summer. But, something inside me just didn't feel that was the right thing to do. Not yet.
Then one Sunday morning there was an ad in our church bulletin for a local foster agency in need of foster families. A fleeting thought passed through my mind, "what if we did this?" The ad stayed in our church bulletin for several more weeks. Each week, I found myself thinking about it more and more. I got online and researched the agency, and several others (because, why not?). And then I finally brought it up to my husband - "what if?"
We talked about it. We Weighed all the pros and cons. We went to an information meeting, and next thing we knew we were in orientation. Our heads were swirling with information and we were learning about things we hardly knew existed. It was crazy! Through this process, I have learned so much. My perspective on foster parenting and the whole foster care system in general has changed. There are so many stigmas associated with it...but that's a whole other blog post!
The approval process was nerve-wracking. The agency dug deep into our personal lives and got to know who we really are. We had to get references and write things about ourselves and answer very personal questions. We had to prepare our home for inspection, and think about safety protocols that normal families don't necessarily think about.
On the day of our home study, I was more nervous than I had been on my wedding day! Here a social worker was coming into our home to inspect it, ask us lots of very personal questions, and decide whether or not we were fit to be parents. And since we were also seeking approval to potentially adopt, it was even more intense. Every aspect of our lives was analyzed. Old wounds were opened. All this to potentially provide a temporary home to a child in need who, if all goes well, we might even get to call our own someday.
So now, we wait. I've been getting pretty good at waiting over the years, but this time it's a little different. We don't know if we'll get a call today or tomorrow or next month. It all depends on what comes through the agency and if the powers that be think a particular child would be a good fit for our family. In other words, it is completely out of our hands.
Friends, could I ask you to pray for us during this time? God has put a calling on our hearts that is so great, yet so overwhelming. It is exciting and terrifying and wildly unpredictable. Our lives have already changed so much, and that is before we even have a child in our home! This is a difficult road that many people don't...can't travel. We were told several times in our trainings that if God has not clearly called you to be a foster parent, then don't do it. But we do believe He has called us to this and that He has equipped us. Because God does not call the equipped! He equips the called!
We have a lot of love to give, and our goal is to show at least one child that the world is not a horrible place. There is love, there is Christ, there is hope and redemption. Perhaps God has been preparing us for this all along. It is going to be an adventure like no other, but in the end I truly believe it will be the best thing we ever did.
I, of course, will be blogging about our foster parenting journey. I'll share as much as I am legally allowed to. :-) Maybe you have felt this calling on your heart, too. If you have, please listen to it. There are so many children who are in need of good homes. I am happy to talk to you about it and help navigate through the process.
"May He equip you with all you need for doing His will. May He produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to Him. All the glory to Him forever and ever! Amen." -Hebrews 13:21 (NLT)
Saturday, January 9, 2016
What a difference a year makes
I love the Timehop app. I think it's really neat to be able to see exactly what you were doing, or what was going through your mind, on this day years ago. It's also neat to see how much you have changed over the years. At the top of my Timehop this morning was a day I spent with my grandma a year ago. It was fun, and tearful, to reminisce spending time with her.
As I scrolled down there were some other memories (something about cats and laser pointers - I'm sure that was fun!), and then there was a memory of going to a bridal show 5 years ago. I was engaged to my husband at the time, and loved going to bridal shows, scoping out vendors, and of course getting free stuff. ;-) I remember that season of my life being on of the happiest! Being engaged, planning your wedding, and knowing that you had finally found "the one" is an exhilarating time in life.
I kept scrolling, and the last Timehop memory that appeared was six years ago.
It read: "is beginning to wonder if it's ever going to be her turn."
(side note: this must've been back when we all still talked about ourselves in 3rd person on Facebook). But I know what this memory is about. I had just turned 30 a week prior to this status update. I was still single, and hadn't been on a date since my previous engagement ended badly 3 years before that. Most of my friends were already married (I had been to many weddings without a date), many of them were already starting families. And here I was, alone with very little hope that I would ever find anyone. For the moment, I had forgotten God's promise and was laying pity on myself for not being married...or even having a boyfriend.
But would you believe that about a month later, on Valentine's Day, I went on my first date with my husband? Crazy, right!? A couple months later we were talking about getting married, and 8 months later we were engaged! And then a year later I was rounding up free goodies at a bridal show.
What a difference a year makes.
I'm sure you can imagine how I felt at age 30 being the single one among lots of married friends. I felt alone. I felt forgotten. I didn't understand why God would let other people get married and not me. I'm a good person! I do everything right! What's wrong with me?? WHY NOT ME?!? I was angry, confused, and hurting. But God had promised me a husband. I remember one night collapsing on my bed in tears, crying out to God, angry that I hadn't found a husband yet. And in that moment, I heard an audible voice say, "don't worry, he's coming." It startled me and reassured me at the same time. If I could go back and talk to 30 year old me, I'd tell her to be patient. I'd tell her to hold on to that voice that told you he was coming...because he was. He did. God always delivers on His promises. Sometimes, often times, His timeline is different than ours.
A couple years after my husband and I were married I found myself in the same angry, lonely, forgotten place. But this time it was not having the baby we so desired. 36 year old me is wondering when it will be her turn to be a mom. 36 year old me is sometimes angry, confused, and crying out to God WHY NOT ME?!? But I know that God made me a promise years ago. I KNOW that I will have a daughter. And it may not happen today, or tomorrow, or next month, or even next year. But it WILL happen. Because God promised me it would, and God ALWAYS keeps His promises!
I'm getting better at it, slowly. The other day a friend told me his girlfriend is pregnant, unexpectedly of course. And I was happy for him. Truly happy! It's been a long time since I could be truly happy for someone who got pregnant without trying. Did I still have a twinge of jealousy? You bet I did. Did I was it was me making that announcement? Of course. But I was able to take the news without tears, and congratulate my friend with no hard feelings, and even pray for them. That is major progress. I never thought I'd be able to get to that point.
But while the tears still sometimes flow, and I still get angry and have tantrums that can rival a toddler, I also know that God is working on our miracle. And some day...maybe it will even be next year...I'll scroll through my Timehop app and see a day when I was frustrated with infertility. And then I'll see a post of my newborn baby, or a fun day with my kids. And I'll remember being in this place and how the struggle changed who I am.
And I'll remember that it was all worth it. My husband was well worth the wait. My kids will be well worth the wait, too. And when they're old enough I'll tell them all about our struggles, and I'll tell them the same thing I told my husband: If I had to go back and do it all again to be with you, I would. Because you are worth every single tear, and every moment of struggle.
As I scrolled down there were some other memories (something about cats and laser pointers - I'm sure that was fun!), and then there was a memory of going to a bridal show 5 years ago. I was engaged to my husband at the time, and loved going to bridal shows, scoping out vendors, and of course getting free stuff. ;-) I remember that season of my life being on of the happiest! Being engaged, planning your wedding, and knowing that you had finally found "the one" is an exhilarating time in life.
I kept scrolling, and the last Timehop memory that appeared was six years ago.
It read: "is beginning to wonder if it's ever going to be her turn."
(side note: this must've been back when we all still talked about ourselves in 3rd person on Facebook). But I know what this memory is about. I had just turned 30 a week prior to this status update. I was still single, and hadn't been on a date since my previous engagement ended badly 3 years before that. Most of my friends were already married (I had been to many weddings without a date), many of them were already starting families. And here I was, alone with very little hope that I would ever find anyone. For the moment, I had forgotten God's promise and was laying pity on myself for not being married...or even having a boyfriend.
But would you believe that about a month later, on Valentine's Day, I went on my first date with my husband? Crazy, right!? A couple months later we were talking about getting married, and 8 months later we were engaged! And then a year later I was rounding up free goodies at a bridal show.
What a difference a year makes.
I'm sure you can imagine how I felt at age 30 being the single one among lots of married friends. I felt alone. I felt forgotten. I didn't understand why God would let other people get married and not me. I'm a good person! I do everything right! What's wrong with me?? WHY NOT ME?!? I was angry, confused, and hurting. But God had promised me a husband. I remember one night collapsing on my bed in tears, crying out to God, angry that I hadn't found a husband yet. And in that moment, I heard an audible voice say, "don't worry, he's coming." It startled me and reassured me at the same time. If I could go back and talk to 30 year old me, I'd tell her to be patient. I'd tell her to hold on to that voice that told you he was coming...because he was. He did. God always delivers on His promises. Sometimes, often times, His timeline is different than ours.
A couple years after my husband and I were married I found myself in the same angry, lonely, forgotten place. But this time it was not having the baby we so desired. 36 year old me is wondering when it will be her turn to be a mom. 36 year old me is sometimes angry, confused, and crying out to God WHY NOT ME?!? But I know that God made me a promise years ago. I KNOW that I will have a daughter. And it may not happen today, or tomorrow, or next month, or even next year. But it WILL happen. Because God promised me it would, and God ALWAYS keeps His promises!
I'm getting better at it, slowly. The other day a friend told me his girlfriend is pregnant, unexpectedly of course. And I was happy for him. Truly happy! It's been a long time since I could be truly happy for someone who got pregnant without trying. Did I still have a twinge of jealousy? You bet I did. Did I was it was me making that announcement? Of course. But I was able to take the news without tears, and congratulate my friend with no hard feelings, and even pray for them. That is major progress. I never thought I'd be able to get to that point.
But while the tears still sometimes flow, and I still get angry and have tantrums that can rival a toddler, I also know that God is working on our miracle. And some day...maybe it will even be next year...I'll scroll through my Timehop app and see a day when I was frustrated with infertility. And then I'll see a post of my newborn baby, or a fun day with my kids. And I'll remember being in this place and how the struggle changed who I am.
And I'll remember that it was all worth it. My husband was well worth the wait. My kids will be well worth the wait, too. And when they're old enough I'll tell them all about our struggles, and I'll tell them the same thing I told my husband: If I had to go back and do it all again to be with you, I would. Because you are worth every single tear, and every moment of struggle.
Friday, January 1, 2016
Reflections on a difficult 2015...and hope for the new year
Well hello again blog reading friends! It's been a long time. I took a break from blogging for a few months. It wasn't intentional really, I've been consumed with other things. 2015 was a rough year, but I am ready to put it behind me and move on into 2016. Are you ready?
There's just something about opening a fresh new planner at the beginning of the year. It is completely empty, unmarked by the previous year's disappointments. It is free from heartache, cancelled plans, and unreached goals. A clean slate. A chance to start over. On those fresh, blank pages lie endless possibilities. What will you do? Where will you go? What surprises will lurk in those pages this year? What story will you write? I simply love leafing through those blank pages, wondering what will fill them, imagining what my life will be like in the coming months. I love to set new goals and have hope for a better year. Ahhh. It is so refreshing. So full of hope.
2015 was a difficult year for me. It started the first week of January and never let up. My grandma, with whom I was very close, fell in January and it began a downward spiral. The next six months would be a wild rollercoaster. In June, Jesus finally called her home. While I was at peace with her passing, knowing that she had lived a good life and was ready to go, I was also devastated. I realized that it doesn't matter if a death is sudden and tragic, or if you've known it was coming for a long time. To those left behind, it hurts. It changes you. You find yourself lost, searching for a way to go on without your loved one, trying to find a new normal. You gain friends, you lose friends. Death can bring out the worst in people.
I've been wanting to write about my grandma's passing for a while...but I just haven't found the right words to say. I have at least 5 blog posts sitting in my drafts folder, all unfinished. None of them with quite the right words to describe how special she was to me, how amazing of a person she was. Perhaps the right words will come this year and I'll be able to share with the world about her incredible life and the many lives she touched. But for now, I continue to search for the new normal, to muster through all the holidays and special moments with watery eyes, remembering the immeasurable joy she brought to my life.
There were other things that happened in 2015, but to be honest I don't remember much else. I know there were wins and losses, victories and failures. I set goals that I didn't achieve. I was going to lose weight, my husband and I were going to revisit the fertility clinic. Neither of those things really happened. Truth be told, I spent most of the year so consumed with family stuff that we barely thought about trying for a baby again. What little effort we did make, whether it be healthy eating or baby making or anything else, it was half-hearted. There wasn't much room for anything else this year.
This is why I am so happy to pick up that blank planner today. It feels refreshing. Those crisp, white, untouched pages are filled with hope. Hope for a better year, for a chance to write a new story, to live a life filled with joy and a sense of accomplishment. Today is completely untarnished. Anything can happen. It feels like a huge dose of grace has just been poured over me, allowing me to forget the past and move forward.
As you've probably noticed, I've changed the name of my blog to "Living in Your Grace." Why the change? Because WAITING for grace just didn't seem right to me. We don't have to wait for God's grace - it's already here! This started as an infertility blog, and I will still write about our journey, but it has morphed into more than that. And while we wait for the child that God has promised to us, we will live in the grace He gives us NOW. Every day He showers us with His grace. There are stories of grace to be told as we travel this road and continue to praise Him. There are victories to be celebrated along this road, and there are moments when we will really need His grace. Even though our child is not yet here, God's grace IS.
I wish all of you dear readers a wonderful 2016. My hope is that it is better than 2015. There will be ups and downs, victories and defeats. But know this - there is a God who loves you more than you can imagine, and He will walk with you through all the hills and valleys this year. He will show you grace when you need it most, and even when you don't deserve it. Because He is just that awesome!
Go make 2016 a good year friends!
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9
There's just something about opening a fresh new planner at the beginning of the year. It is completely empty, unmarked by the previous year's disappointments. It is free from heartache, cancelled plans, and unreached goals. A clean slate. A chance to start over. On those fresh, blank pages lie endless possibilities. What will you do? Where will you go? What surprises will lurk in those pages this year? What story will you write? I simply love leafing through those blank pages, wondering what will fill them, imagining what my life will be like in the coming months. I love to set new goals and have hope for a better year. Ahhh. It is so refreshing. So full of hope.
2015 was a difficult year for me. It started the first week of January and never let up. My grandma, with whom I was very close, fell in January and it began a downward spiral. The next six months would be a wild rollercoaster. In June, Jesus finally called her home. While I was at peace with her passing, knowing that she had lived a good life and was ready to go, I was also devastated. I realized that it doesn't matter if a death is sudden and tragic, or if you've known it was coming for a long time. To those left behind, it hurts. It changes you. You find yourself lost, searching for a way to go on without your loved one, trying to find a new normal. You gain friends, you lose friends. Death can bring out the worst in people.
I've been wanting to write about my grandma's passing for a while...but I just haven't found the right words to say. I have at least 5 blog posts sitting in my drafts folder, all unfinished. None of them with quite the right words to describe how special she was to me, how amazing of a person she was. Perhaps the right words will come this year and I'll be able to share with the world about her incredible life and the many lives she touched. But for now, I continue to search for the new normal, to muster through all the holidays and special moments with watery eyes, remembering the immeasurable joy she brought to my life.
There were other things that happened in 2015, but to be honest I don't remember much else. I know there were wins and losses, victories and failures. I set goals that I didn't achieve. I was going to lose weight, my husband and I were going to revisit the fertility clinic. Neither of those things really happened. Truth be told, I spent most of the year so consumed with family stuff that we barely thought about trying for a baby again. What little effort we did make, whether it be healthy eating or baby making or anything else, it was half-hearted. There wasn't much room for anything else this year.
This is why I am so happy to pick up that blank planner today. It feels refreshing. Those crisp, white, untouched pages are filled with hope. Hope for a better year, for a chance to write a new story, to live a life filled with joy and a sense of accomplishment. Today is completely untarnished. Anything can happen. It feels like a huge dose of grace has just been poured over me, allowing me to forget the past and move forward.
As you've probably noticed, I've changed the name of my blog to "Living in Your Grace." Why the change? Because WAITING for grace just didn't seem right to me. We don't have to wait for God's grace - it's already here! This started as an infertility blog, and I will still write about our journey, but it has morphed into more than that. And while we wait for the child that God has promised to us, we will live in the grace He gives us NOW. Every day He showers us with His grace. There are stories of grace to be told as we travel this road and continue to praise Him. There are victories to be celebrated along this road, and there are moments when we will really need His grace. Even though our child is not yet here, God's grace IS.
I wish all of you dear readers a wonderful 2016. My hope is that it is better than 2015. There will be ups and downs, victories and defeats. But know this - there is a God who loves you more than you can imagine, and He will walk with you through all the hills and valleys this year. He will show you grace when you need it most, and even when you don't deserve it. Because He is just that awesome!
Go make 2016 a good year friends!
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9
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